Hard Choices: The Toxic Ex, or The New Girl Who’s Nice To Me?

What you should do if your toxic ex, who you still love, wants another chance after dumping you, but you’re now dating a girl who’s nice to you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose toxic ex is now wanting another chance after she treated him harshly, dumped him several times, only to take him back each time telling him that she has changed and this time will be different over the past year and a half.

He is unsure of what to do because after their last breakup several months ago and her convincing him it was over and she felt nothing for him, he met and started dating a really nice girl who is falling in love with him and treats him like gold since he is applying what he learned in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man. His ex is seeing a therapist and going to church groups, and she seems different, but he is torn. He asks my opinion on whether or not to give her yet another chance that she hasn’t earned. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

The thing to keep in mind about this particular email is he has a year and a half with the toxic ex. He got dumped, he didn’t want to be dumped, and if you remember, rejection tends to breed obsession. So, because he got dumped and it wasn’t his choice, on top of the fact he’s got a year and a half with her, he’s going to be more emotionally anchored to the ex, even though she’s toxic to him.

He writes in asking, “Do I give the ex another chance?” Because the new girl sounds like she wants him to be her boyfriend and they get along great, but remember, we always make our choices based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify that. So, just because of what he’s been through with the ex, his emotions are going to be a lot stronger. But if you look at somebody’s actions and their history, if it always ended the same way, then as Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “current events form future trends.”

And if you look at what Maya Angelou said, “When people show you or tell you who they are, believe them the first time.” But in this particular instance, this woman is supposedly in counseling and therapy now, she’s also joined some different support groups in the church, and he says she seems different. But he really likes the new girl, and she’s been really nice to him. And he’s like, “Now, no matter what I do, I’m probably going to hurt somebody. But if I give this ex a chance and she’s burned me so many times,” he’s hesitant. So, he’s obviously kind of torn.

This stuff is going to happen, especially when you start applying what’s in How To Be A 3% Man, you make yourself more attractive as a man, and it gets out through the grapevine that you’re different and other women are paying attention to you, the exes that you may have wanted back. This is going to be your reality, and you’re going to be faced with these choices. But again, if you’re applying what’s in the book, now you’re able to attract much better quality women into your life. And so, it makes it easier to leave the toxic exes behind, because as I always like to say, no drama allowed, drama free zone. I’m not down with that.

You’ve got to be with women who are easygoing, easy to get along with. Because if you think about it, you’re going to have days where you’re going to come home from work or the office, you’re going to be stressed, you’re going to have a bad day, maybe you had a disagreement with a close friend or whatever, and the last thing you want to deal with is a chick that’s always ready to go off on you or create drama or create problems, because that’s the environment she grew up in.

And if she grew up in that kind of an environment — drama, yelling, screaming, not getting along, silent treatment, passive aggressive behavior — that feels normal to her. Women that come from good families just sit down, they talk things out in a calm manner and they resolve their differences through adult communication. It makes it a tough choice when you’re all emotionally wrapped up in somebody else.

The other thing is he’s taken her back several times and it always ended the same way. When you continually give somebody another chance when they just burn you mercilessly, you’re enabling their behavior. You’re communicating to them that there are no consequences — that no matter what they do, you’ll in essence, forgive them and put up with it. So on some level, even if you take her back, she knows that even if she does misbehave, you’ll probably cave and go along with it.

And quite frankly, what somebody like this needs, if they’re really, truly going to change, is they need to lose somebody like you for good. Maybe you’re the one person that helps them turn it around, because you’ve just had enough and they’re out of chances. And then they truly become remorseful. But if you keep taking her back, what’s her motivation to change?

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach, 

I’ve been following your work for a while, and it has totally changed my life. I cannot thank you enough for what you do.

Well, it’s only going to help you if you actually apply it.

I have gotten myself in a bit of a predicament with my ex and a new girl I’ve been seeing. I’m going to try and sum it up the best that I can. My ex, who has broken up with me several times, wants to get back together and is doing and saying everything I’ve ever wanted her to.

Well, of course, because she’s trying to influence you. She’s trying to sell you on why you should give her another chance, so she’s going to be on her best behavior. Remember, in the beginning of new relationships, people can hide who they really are for the first ninety days. And in the past, I’m sure she was contrite and all of those things as well. “Oh, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” But yet, she did do it again.

So, once she got comfortable, she went back to the old ways that she was, which is what’s normal to her, and she created a mess. She brought drama into your life. And if no drama is allowed, you’ve continually allowed her to come back, and yet she creates more drama, well, that’s kind of on you, because you’re enabling the behavior.

We’ve been on and off for about a year and a half and it’s been really rough on me mentally and emotionally.

So, the other thing you’ve got to ask is, how is this a net positive in your life? Are there more debits than credits? Is she taking away from your energy more than she’s adding to it? Because here’s the reality, a really great girl, a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, like my English girlfriend who I wrote about in this book, is still to this day one of the kindest, sweetest human beings I’ve ever met in my life. It’s hard to stay mad at somebody who’s always nice to you and giggly and makes you laugh, even fifteen years after you were in a relationship together.

And they call every once in a while just to say they love you or they’re thinking about you or say something silly over a messaging app just to crack you up and make you smile. Versus somebody that was always bring in grief and difficulty and just a pain in the ass in your life. When you have people in your life like that and you get to have relationships with them and they’re like that, like I wrote about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” where it’s easy and it’s effortless, women are supposed to bring joy into your life. A woman is supposed to be a man’s joy, not come into his life with a fucking attitude, like she’s owed something or she’s entitled because she’s beautiful, she’s hot, and lots of other guys who like her and want her and are throwing their dicks at her.

She has to be a net positive in your life. Because eventually, if you’re together for enough years, her hot looks are going to fade, and then you’re left with her personality. So, twenty, thirty years from now, when her looks have faded and she’s a truly foul bitch, where’s the upside? It’s nothing but downside. Now, she’s lost her looks, and on top of that, she’s a truly foul fucking bitch. Take the looks away, what are you left with? Somebody that you like being around? A woman who brings joy to your life, she lifts your heart up?

I mean, a beautiful woman can walk into a room, a woman you love and you care about, and you just feel good on the inside. Your core as a man, you just light up, you feel better. You want to work harder. You want to take on more challenges. You want to be a better man. You want to take better care of yourself. You want to talk a little nicer to her, to your mom, to the women in your life, to the people in your life, just because she makes you feel better. You feel like you want to be a better human being for the world because of the joy she brings into your life.

But somebody like the toxic ex, she’ll make you hate your fucking life and want to be pissed off at everybody. Whatever you allow into your life, not only do you tolerate it, but you invite more of it.

I’ve watched her flirt with guys in front of me…

Well, that right there, she’s out. She’s not loyal. That hoe ain’t loyal. Sorry, that’s automatic disqualification. If she’s not loyal and she flirts with other guys in front of you, whether she’s doing it because she likes the guy or she’s doing it to upset you or hurt you, that’s it. You’re disqualified. You don’t get another chance for that. Sorry. That’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. That ain’t girlfriend or wife material. End of story, right there. I’ve done thousands and thousands of phone sessions over the last sixteen, seventeen years, and I see the same patterns over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. It is what it is.

…to get attention and caught her deleting text messages with another guy.

Yeah, that bitch belongs to the streets, man. Sorry, I know you care about her, but she’s a fucking whore. She can go on down the street.

She never did anything physically with anyone else, but she definitely disrespected me and our relationship. This was after dating for a few months and I gave her another chance after she begged me to forgive her.

So, she was nice to you. She sold you on, “It’ll be different this time, for sure.”

Since then, she’s broken up with me more times than I can count just to change her mind and us be back to seeing each other.

Oh, but I thought she was really sorry before. She begged you to forgive her, and yet she did it continuously.

We also work together, so I would have to see her almost every day while this was going on.

Well, just imagine how satisfying it will be to walk into work every day with a smile on your face, knowing that the night before you got your balls sucked dry by a woman who’s actually nice to you. And you love the sound of her voice, and she’s kind and she’s sweet. And you can’t wait to get home at the end of the day to give her another proper “seeing to,” as we say in the UK. Because your ex will know that that smile is on your face, not because of her, but in spite of her, and it will be glorious.

For months it seemed like it was every week that she would change her mind.

Well, that is a woman’s prerogative, after all. Don’t get caught up in a woman’s mood. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just like getting mad at the weather. It’s like getting mad at the fact that, like, right now it’s raining out, the weather sucks, and I want to go out and do some stuff outside, but it sucks. Me getting mad about it, how is that going to fix anything? I’m just going to feel miserable. So, instead find a reason to be excited about it.

Before a lot of this, I thought she was THE ONE.

Bro, she ain’t ‘the one.’ And that’s a myth anyway.

So, I think that is why I put up with so much and forgave her for all the hurt she caused me.

Well, rejection breeds obsession. That’s really why you were doing it, because it wasn’t your idea.

It seemed like I was always fighting for the relationship when she was ready to end it.

Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. Now, granted, probably before you found my work you were doing a lot of unattractive things. But, man, she was nasty. Can you imagine having children with a woman like this? She’ll definitely go and fuck other guys behind your back. She’s already showed you she ain’t loyal.

When she wanted me, things would be fantastic, but she would always find a problem somewhere or make one up.

Yeah, because that’s how she grew up. She grew up with drama, and so drama is normal to her. Therefore, if there ain’t no drama in your relationship, guess what? She’s going to create it, because that’s the only thing that feels normal to her. That’s not your fault. It’s not your fault she grew up in a fucked up house. But it is your fault if you continue giving her chances when she doesn’t deserve them.

She then got to the point where she told me that she just didn’t see herself marrying me and couldn’t see me romantically anymore. I continued to try and pursue her for a while but finally gave up about 2 months ago and decided I would at least start seeing other people if she couldn’t give me what I wanted.

Now your talking. So, in other words, it took until about two months ago when you actually started applying what you learned in “How To Be A 3% Man.”

I started going on dates with a couple girls and one of them is really great. We’ve been seeing each other a lot and with the help from your videos and the book, she has asked me to make our relationship official in less than two months.

Well, no drama allowed, bro. Drama free zone. Sounds good so far.

She is telling me things like, “you’re the best guy I’ve ever gone out with,” and “I’ve been waiting for someone like you.”

Well duh, because it works. Even if you think I’m full of shit, if you read my book for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com, subscribe to the email newsletter and you apply what’s in here, you will see that it works. I know I don’t look like or sound like the guy that’s supposed to be an expert on this stuff, but hey man, this is just my path. This is what I do. Our purpose chooses us anyway.

She just makes everything so easy for me.

This is the way it’s supposed to be.

And I’m having a great time with her. I’m hesitant to move forward with her…

You shouldn’t be.

…because of my ex trying to come back.

Tell that toxic bitch to go on down the road. Go fuck up somebody else’s life.

She is saying that she’s changed and all she wants is me and it’s hard not to give her another chance when I’ve wanted her to be this way for so long.

Dude, it’s an act. As soon as she thinks she’s got you, something will happen and she’ll go right back to it, because she’s addicted to drama. This is how she fulfills her needs for love and connection, in a dysfunctional way. She’s done this countless times, as you put it. So, if you’re even thinking about taking this girl back, I want you to take your right hand, I want you to reach out and choke yourself.

She’s started going to counseling and joined a group at church and seems to actually be different.

Well, I’m sure she’s a great actress. Obviously. She convinced you several times to give her another chance, and she always went right back to the way she was. And I would be like, “Hey, I think it’s great, sweetie, that you’re going to counseling and that you’re going to church, and you seem different, and I’m really rooting for you and I wish all the best. But in these last couple of months, I had a couple of epiphanies, and quite frankly, I met a girl who’s really sweet to me, and she’s really nice to me, and she’s kind. She’s easygoing, she’s easy to get along with and she just thinks I’m the shit. Instead of you, in which you just think I’m shit.”

This situation is causing me a lot of stress, because I don’t want to hurt anyone.

It shouldn’t. It should be making you feel like a king. It should be like, “Now, I’ve got the toxic ex wanting to come back, but I replaced her with somebody better. And this is what Corey said would happen. I’ll either get her back, or I’ll get someone hotter and better for me.” The coach delivered, bro.

I really do love my ex, but she has just burned me a lot and I don’t know if I can trust her.

You can’t and you shouldn’t. She had enough chances. And somebody’s got to be the first guy that has the balls to stand up to her and go, “Nah, you fucked up one too many times. This girl has been sweet as pie to me, and I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to see a tear in her eye because of something I did involving you. And quite frankly, I’m going to see where it goes with her. And I wish you all the best. I hope the therapy goes great. I hope the church groups go great. Maybe you’ll meet the perfect guy in church for you. But after everything we’ve been through together, I’m going to give this new relationship a chance and I want to see where it goes. I wish you all the best.” No drama allowed.

I’m afraid that if I cut off the new girl and give my ex a shot that she’ll just do what she always has, and I’ll end up without either of them. 

Thank you for any help you can give me,

Bob

And you should trust that, because if I was a betting man, if I was in Las Vegas and the guy at the table is going, “What are you going to put your money on?” I’m going to put my money on the ex fucking you over again. And I will put my money on this new girl being sweet, because that’s what you want. But you’ve also got to remember, rejection breeds obsession. And also, you’re emotionally anchored to her. So, you’ve got to give this girl a chance to see where things go.

So if you’ve got a problem or a challenge, maybe you’re involved in some crazy situation similar to this, and your emotions have got you all bunched up and you’re going, “Man, I don’t really know. It sure would be nice to get Corey’s opinion before I pull the trigger on this thing, or serve her with divorce papers, or leave this girl, or dump this girl or respond in a certain way,” go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Trust is the hardest thing to get and the easiest thing to lose. People who continually violate your trust and mistreat you, but then try to convince you that they’ve changed, only to violate your trust and mistreat you again, should not be given unlimited chances. It’s delusional to believe someone’s words when their past actions are never congruent with them. People who have proven through their actions that they are good to you, good for you and good for your soul will probably continue to be that way in the future. People who are toxic, full of drama and continually disappoint you, most likely will continue to do so.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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