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Have Serious Talks In Person, Not Over Text

Jul 9, 2024 by Coach Corey Wayne
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Why you should have serious talks in person and not over text.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work since 2019 and read 3% Man, 10 times. He’s 24 and dating a 22 year old girl for 9 months now. However, she recently got upset at him when he wouldn’t drop what he was doing and cancel his plan to help her at the last minute. She sent him an angry text letting him know that she felt like he didn’t care enough. He is waiting until he sees her the next night to talk about this in person and asks if he did the right thing by waiting. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s members only newsletter is, “Have Serious Talks In Person, Not Over Text.

Well, this particular email is from a guy who has been following my work since 2019. He’s read 3% Man ten times. He’s 24 and dating a 22 year old for about the past nine months. He says however, she got really upset at him because I guess like a Friday night, she texted him the last minute, “hey, can you come over and help me do this thing? My aunt’s here. My family member’s here. And we could use your help.” And I don’t know how late it was, but he had plans and he couldn’t make it.

And because he’s like, he proceeds to tell her, “oh, I got Saturday morning. I got to get up early, and have to go hang out with my friends. We’re doing this, we’re doing that, blah, blah, blah.” And so, she shot back attacks a little later on, letting him know that she was really pissed off. And so he decided, “you know what? I’m not going to get into this over text”, and “I’d rather talk to her in person about it.” He’s like, “did I do the right thing?” Because he hasn’t gotten together with her yet? I mean, he has now because this was sent in several weeks ago, this email.

But I think he sent this in like the day it happened and he was going to have a date with her the next evening anyways. And so typically, especially if there’s some friction, it’s best not to have serious talks over text, especially if things can potentially be misconstrued. Because we take a step back, the real reason she’s upset is because, remember, women speak in hyperbole. Everything’s the end of the world. You never do this. You never do that. And so, what she really feels is that, she feels like he doesn’t care. That’s, deep down what it is.

She’s worried that he doesn’t care as much about her as she thought. And she even said, “oh, you should be because I’m your girlfriend. You love me. You should just drop what you’re doing and come over right away to help me.” I mean, that’s understandable. That’s what she can feel. But hey, if you got plans, if you’re a man and you commit to somebody, you got to keep your word, whether it’s to her or anybody else, so you don’t break your word to other people to please your girl, because that’s weakness. Even when she’s the one asking you for that. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Photo by iStock.com/Liderina

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve been a follower of yours since 2019 and have read your book 10 times going on the 11th now. I’m 24 and dating a fun, witty, hot 22 year old for 9 months now. From start I’ve took measured steps of keeping the mystery of alive and keeping her wanting more. Recently she has been upset of the fact we haven’t spent enough time together.

Well, it’s good that she’s getting upset that you’re not spending enough time together because it shows that she cares. It shows that you’re leaving her wanting more. Not that you’re hopefully neglecting her, but that you’re leaving her wanting more in a good way.

I am successful business owner with lots of hobbies: gym, golfing, men’s basketball league, church group, youth ministry. These are my great passions that I’m always busy with and striving to be better each day at. My girlfriend had asked me last minute in the late evening on a Friday night if I could help her and her aunt with some work at their camp site but, told me it was no big deal if I couldn’t because she realized it was last minute.

So there it is. It’s late Friday night. He’s got early plans the next day, and as a man, you got to keep your commitments to your boys, especially. Whether it’s to your girl or to your boys or a meeting, whatever happens to be. Got to keep your word. You can’t break your word because your girlfriend is like, “oh, I need help.” And so, you’ll see here in a second. She gets upset, even though she tells him, “it’s okay.” Because what she’s really upset about is deep down, she’s a little insecure because she likes him more than he likes her.

And so, what she’s really looking for is reassurance that he loves her. All this stuff this big, “Ah!” It’s just, “I fear my boyfriend doesn’t love me.” That’s where she’s coming from. So with that in mind, how do we go about reassuring her without breaking our plans and commitments to other people? Because it is on a Friday night, it’s last minute. He’s probably getting ready to turn, “oh, drop what you’re doing and drive across town to help us at the campsite.” Not going to happen. But she also says, “hey, it’s no big deal.” But women do that and then they get mad when you do what they said was no big deal because it’s like a test. It’s like, “oh, he doesn’t care about me.”

Photo by iStock.com/Prostock-Studio

Remember, women speak in hyperbole. It’s like it’s the end of the world. “You never take me anywhere. We never do anything. We never go out.” Like, “we just went out all last weekend. What are you talking about?” That’s not why she’s complaining. She’s just emoting, saying you’re not showing me enough attention. Don’t take it personally. It’s just how they talk. They speak in hyperbole, like Donald Trump, of all people. He’s the master of hyperbole.

Also, her and I already had plans for in the evening the following day to make dinner at my place. I texted her back telling her that I had plans the next morning with a great friend of mine from the gym to get coffee, workout, and talk about important things in business and our personal lives.

So he wants to be sharp. He’s got a meeting in the morning and that’s the right thing to do. I got a commitment. I can’t, I’d love to, but I can’t.

I told her I couldn’t help her as I already had these plans.

I would have said, “babe, I’d love to, but I have to get up early because I have a meeting in the morning. But if it was any other time, I definitely would.” It’s probably all you needed to say, but he probably didn’t say that. He’s like, “oh, I got all this stuff going on.” And so all she hears is, “I’m too busy for you. You’re not that important.” That’s how she takes it. Because women are emotional. It’s the way they are. I didn’t make them this way, you can complain to the big man upstairs.

She texted back with a short text saying “No problem it was a very last minute plan.”

So seemingly whatever.

I read this as a sign she was upset so I waited a minute to respond. She texted a second text right after saying things like: “I know it was last minute, but I just feel like your day you have planned out is something you can do any other day. I feel like you don’t genuinely make time for me.”

Remember, I feel like she’s all up in her feelings. “I feel like you don’t care. He doesn’t love me anymore. It’s the end of the world. Oh, you never care for me. You never show me that you love me.” All she’s really saying is, does daddy love me still? Does daddy love me? That’s all it is. People are going, guys are, this ridiculous, coach. It’s like, that’s how they are. It’s like, don’t get upset. It’s just the way they are. Hyperbole.

Photo by iStock.com/Prostock-Studio

“I never ask for your time other than on the weekends. Just don’t appreciate your friends being put above helping me and my aunt for a few hours. Especially when we’ve been seeing each other for as long as we have. When you truly love someone, you drop whatever you have going on, within reason, for them. Because I would do that for you. I’m sorry, that just rubbed me the wrong way. We don’t need your help tomorrow, we got it covered. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

Women are so cute, aren’t they?

I read this and thought it was really out of character of her because.

Yeah, she’s butthurt. Again. She just, “He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care. His friends are more important.” It’s just the way they are. Don’t take it personally. You did the right thing. I wouldn’t have given a long, drawn out response because, you know, you’re very matter. “Oh, I got all this going on with my friend.” So she hears, “oh, he’s going to hang out with his friend and go to the gym and have coffee and have fun instead of helping me at my campsite because I’m not important. I don’t matter.”

What I would have just said, “Oh babe, I would love to, but I have to get up early. I got a meeting in the morning. Friend from the gym, we’re going to be discussing business. Maybe he’s going to become a client. But I have a business meeting. Any other day, I’d be happy. Why don’t we do it Sunday? We can do it on this day.” You could have suggested that. But, you know, she gets butthurt and sends this long diatribe. It’s late at night on a Friday night. So what’s he going to do?

Everything has been really good lately. We just got done spending a 4 day weekend together, with lots of great sex, love, affection, a great conversation.

Yeah. Ha, Ha. So normally most guys, “we just spend four days together. What are you talking about? I’m never there for you?” You take a step back. I know it seems ridiculous because we’re all guys, but this is how women are. She feels like he doesn’t care because the way he phrased it, he could have artfully maybe phrased it a little better, said, “babe, if I didn’t have a business meeting tomorrow, I would totally drop what I’m doing and come over there. But I just can’t. I’m sorry. You know, we can talk about more of it. Talk more about it tomorrow night when I see you, I love you. Have a great night. Sorry I couldn’t be there for you tonight.”

She even texted me this week saying “I don’t even know how I got you. I’m so lucky.”

Photo by iStock.com/Paperkites

This is why it drives men nuts. You just told me how great I was, and now you’re going, “You never spend time with me.”

I responded to her long text saying “Okay, we’ll talk tomorrow, I love you babe, good night.”

That’s fine.

I did this because I wanted to talk to her about this in person and ask her what was really wrong so I can read her body language and tone.

Well, what’s really wrong again is like, she cares. She cares a little too much. And so she’s afraid. Probably because daddy didn’t say, “you’re a good little girl” enough in childhood. So she speaks in hyperbole. “You never show me you care.” And he’s like, “we just spent four days together.” This this is normal. This is the way they are. Hyperbole. Don’t take it personally.

I also figured this was the right move because I would be seeing her the following evening anyways. Did I make the right move here?

Yeah, it’s late at night. You don’t want to get into it. It’s like, “we’ll talk about tomorrow.” Because quite frankly, she’s being ridiculous and she’s being emotional and she’s being a girl. And you’ll see her tomorrow night. You got to keep your plans.

Or should I had called her immediately to get her to open up over the phone?

No, it’s late at night on a Friday. It’s like, she’s just going to be in a shitty mood anyways. That’s okay, let her stew and she’ll get over it.

I feel like this was a test of my strength and to see if I’d go along with what she wanted?

Thanks,

Bob

Well, you did the right thing because you got a meeting. You don’t break your meeting because she’s gonna drop what you’re doing. It’s like, “nah, it’s late at night on a Friday. He’s like, I’m sorry, babe.” So it’s okay to disappoint your girl, but you just have to understand where she’s coming from. Which is that she feels. I mean, she even used that in her text. “I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel like. I feel like. I feel like you don’t care as much.”

Photo by iStock.com/SrdjanPav

All she really wants to know is, is daddy still loves her. So when she comes over and she’s like, “babe, like, why were you saying that? Why were you saying acting like I don’t care about you? Oh, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. What else? And so that made you feel like I didn’t care. It’s like, well, I can help you Sunday. I can help you Monday. We can do it next weekend.” Whatever happens to be, “we can go over there right now!” I wouldn’t do it on your date night on Saturday.

“Just let’s do it during the day. I don’t want to do that shit at night on a Friday night. Come on.” So again, all she’s looking for is reassurance. So you did the right thing. It’s better to not get into this on a Friday night, because, quite frankly, if you had done that back and forth with her because if you’re like, “oh, I got to get up early.” And then you stay up all night texting and talking on the phone, then you don’t get sleep. It’s the same thing. And then she’ll still be pissed at you because she’ll be like, “you could have come over and helped me instead of talking on the phone.”

But instead you’re like, “I got to get up early, I love you, I’m going to bed. We’ll talk about tomorrow.” She’s just going to have to wait. Let her stew. Whatever. She’ll get over it. Then you can spend plenty of time talking. Get her to open up. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care. I probably should have phrased it differently, but I had a meeting. It was a business meeting. Yeah, he’s a friend from the gym, but I’m trying to sell this guy a big ticket item so I can’t fuck my clients over because my girlfriend needs help at a campsite late at night. So I need to be sharp for the meeting. If I had a date with you the next day and one of my friends is like, hey, drop what you’re doing, and then you stay up all night, and then I show up for my date with you the next day, and I’m like, [snoring] dragging ass. You’d be pissed at me. You’re like, you’re so inconsiderate. You went out and hung out with your friends and did stuff with them, and now you’re too tired to be present with me on the date. You got to keep your word.” So you did the right thing. Good job. Have fun working out your differences the next day.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

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Published on July 9, 2024

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