Sometimes life seems to get incredibly hard if not downright impossible. When we get into a fearful state where we are afraid we don’t have what it takes to succeed or that our peers will not love and accept us as we pursue our dreams, it can feel totally hopeless. We don’t like the pain or fear we feel so our natural instinct is to run away from what we fear and somehow end the pain. For most people this involves working jobs they hate, staying in relationships that no longer serve them, neglecting their health and generally living a life that is less than they are capable of living.
You know you want better than you have now, it just seems that what you want is way far off into the future. So far off that at times, you feel like saying “fuck it, what’s the point?” When we choose to chase after an audacious goal, it becomes easy to get discouraged with you look at the enormity of the task you have undertaken. Much of your time may be spent working on, spending money on and spending countless hours trying to figure out how to make an idea into a profitable business model. While you spend all of your valuable time and energy on these endeavors, actual results, profit and/or the reward you are seeking are years in the future. Most of the time quite frankly, it can seem like an exercise in futility. You may ask yourself “why should I spend my time and money working on something that may never come to fruition?”
Most people when faced with these challenges or emotions will give up and try to find anything that will bring them peace of mind and certainty. In the process, their dreams and goals get thrown out the window. Everyone has a struggle. One of my new clients has always wanted to be a veterinarian. He never went for it because his fear always caused him to give up before he even really got started. After high school he spent several years in the Navy and now is a truck driver driving the big rigs. He’s miserable. He’s always on the road and its not easy to meet women in his line of work. He’s also scared and fearful of the future. In his latest email he contemplates quitting and giving up because he fears he is meant to just be a loser. Here’s his email:
Corey..I don’t believe I can do any of this shit honestly.Its too hard man..I cant seem to rid myself of my loathsome dumb-ass past..I cant rid the demons and progress fwd worth a fuck..I believe I was put here to just not get much done.Yes I know,giving up is easy.I truly want a real satisfying great life so damn bad I can taste it!,but reality sets in and I realize some of us are just not meant to be great or get what we want.I only got laid 2x last year. That’s how much I’m hated.Plus,I don’t think I`ll ever get over the fact that there`s millions of dudes who never had/have to do shit and they are somehow top dogs and wanted by all the hotties. Fuckin A man,all the lucky fuckers have to do is merely exist and the world is theirs!They can have any woman they want anytime!Without question!Must be nice to live life effortlessly and get whatever and whoever you want.I`ll probably never get over that fact.Oh well,at least I gave a little effort,but then I realize over and over that all will be futile.You say do the work and itll pay off..I say bullshit some of us are actually losers.I went to see my favorite band Motorhead sat nite in Chicago,and it hit me..I`m so far behind everyone else in the game of life so why play.Im a good person and what do I get for being me? Absofuckinglutely NOTHING.I wish it was all different I truly do. I would bust my ass like no tomorrow if I knew it would pay off. Anyhow, I`ll email you next week to let you know if I decide to continue with this coaching thing.Doubt it seriously.Until then,enjoy helping others and enjoy your life because you`re one of the many lucky ones. Tom.
Here’s my response to Tom’s email:
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.” ~ Dale Carnegie
When I become fearful, discouraged at how long certain things in my life are taking to develop, etc. the thing that makes me feel better the most is… taking some kind of action. When we take action we move forward towards our goals. When we do nothing, we stay put and make NO progress.
Stop beating yourself up. Give yourself credit for the things you are changing. That includes how you think and how you act. Since we have started working together you have gotten really clear about who you are and what you really want to become in life. What was the first thing your mother said when you told her you were going to go to school to be a veterinarian? “You’ve always wanted to be a veterinarian!”
Deep down we always know what we really want and deserve in life. We just choose to let fear (false evidence appearing real) slow us down and take less action than we would if we had no fear. The more you take action, the more your confidence and courage will grow.
Take baby steps. Think of little goals. Once you apply for your GI bill and enroll full time in school, they only give you a few years to get it done. So take 1 class and pay for it on your own to test the waters.
Go to Purdue’s website and download the curriculum for veterinary school. This will list all of your pre-med/undergraduate classes you need to take. It will include english, physics, chemistry, etc. which are classes offered at every community college in the country. Go to a guidance counselor at your local community college and bring the curriculum you downloaded from Purdue. Pick one of the lower level classes like english, chemistry, etc. (classes that Purdue will accept when you transfer) that you have an interest in and register for it. I am sure they will have a night class you can take once a week on tuesday evenings. If its a 3 credit hour class it will be 2 1/2 hours long once a week usually.
You can still drive your truck during the day. Once a week you can take a class that is of interest to you. You will be surprised to see young kids, people your age and much older in your class. People go back to school all the time and change careers later in life.
Its NEVER too late to be what you might have been.
What happens before/during/after class is people form study groups at these classes that get together outside of school. This will expand your social circle and help you make some new like minded friends. People just like you who are going for their dreams. If you continue to hang out with people who have no goals and dreams, you will never go anywhere in life. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the expectations of your peer group.
You know how you have said to me many times… “I’m better than that guy, I am better looking, he has nothing on me, I deserve a great chick, etc.”? You are right. You do.
By taking only one class you can use your downtime in your truck cab to study and ace that one class. I can teach you how to study so you can be efficient and learn how to pass their tests. Being successful in college is due to your ability to pass tests, not necessarily learn stuff thats important to you.
You are not a loser, nor did God design you that way. How do I know you are not a loser? Dude, you survived boot camp. How many times did you want to quit that shit? In the Navy you can’t just say fuck it!, and then leave. You were very successful in the Navy doing something that pretty much sucked.
Just think how successful you can be at doing something that as you said you, “truly want a real satisfying great life so damn bad I can taste it!”
By the way, things don’t just fall into my lap. I’ve always had to work for the things I wanted. You are imagining things thinking that really successful people have lives filled with bliss and no challenges. They struggle just as much as you do. However, they simply REFUSE TO QUIT when things get tough or they have a bad day.
Its ok to feel the way you do Tom. As a matter of fact, its healthy. You have to feel it to heal it. You know how to ignore the urge to quit already (bootcamp).
Next time you wanna quit, just find a way to keep moving forward like you always have. Or just stop, relax and come back to it a few hours later or the next day with a fresh mind and heart. No need to feel guilty about it. Some days are better than others. Some days you will make more progress than others. Take the good with the bad.
Look at it this way. In 20 years, you are going to be someplace. Every day you choose to get up and be a truck driver. A profession you have stated you hate along with the lifestyle.
You motivate yourself to get up every day to drive a truck which you hate. You can just as easily get yourself up to go to school or study and sit next to some sweet smelling young hottie who wants you to be her study partner.
Be surrounded by an endless supply of beautiful women you can practice your skills on… or… sit in a truck by yourself hating every minute of it for the next 20 years knowing that you could be hanging out with and getting to know lots of beautiful women. You could even say to yourself… I will date no beautiful women I know… only be their friends. Only try to date their girl friends. It wont be long before they are wondering why you aren’t interested in them. That’s an effortless lifestyle. A target rich environment full of beautiful and intellectually stimulating people. You can NEVER have too many hot girls as friends. Hot girls have hot friends.
Dude, start out with one class. U got a month or more before summer school starts to enroll and pay for a class out of your own pocket (you don’t want to start GI bill until you are ready for full time classes). Worse case, just get registered and work on your body and working out until school starts for the fall semester if summer semester is too soon. After you finish that first class you can decide if you want to take another one, or stop there. You can even “audit” a class. That means you are not graded. You pay for and experience class, you just don’t have to take the tests. No pressure to pass or fail. You can even take the tests and see how you would have done had you taken the class for credit. You have tons of options!
Dude, don’t you understand? You have choices, unlike when you were in the Navy. You can do anything you want right now. Go visit a local community college and talk to a guidance counselor and tell them where you want to go to school.
You are going to be somewhere in 20 years. You have to get up everyday and be something. Why not be something you really want to be? Being something that you hate (truck driver) and that sucks is easy 4 you. Can you imagine what a breeze school will be once you get into it, studying and learning about things you have a passion for? Dude, we’re all giants inside. Once we have decided what kind of giant we want to be, we just have to take action every day to become that giant or a better version of that giant. Just imagine who you will be after 8 years of college and 12 years as a veterinarian. Think about all of the animals you will help. They are waiting for you. People are buying dogs and cats right now that will be your patients in 10-15 years! You can be there right when they need you most! That’s exciting!
Sorry dude. Quitting is for pussies. You are no pussy! Pussies never call me. Pussies never send me emails. They are too chicken shit. Its ok to have a low point and want to quit. Get used to feeling like this. Its going to happen more and more as you move forward and step outside of your comfort zone and push up against your fears. However, the more you take action, the less quitting will enter your mind.
You got this brother Tom! You can do this! I believe in you!
From my heart to yours,
PS: You got laid 2 x last year? Do you know how many guys that read my newsletters would love to have gotten laid 2 x last year? I talk to guys who are 30 years old, never been on a date with a girl, never kissed a girl, never had sex, etc. You got nothing to complain about. Be grateful for what you have and what you have accomplished. Get off your fucking cross. Way more guys have it worse than you.
Here’s his next email:
Corey..If you would kindly disregard my weak ass last email to you. It ain’t easy being me but I know I can unfuck everything from the past by just ignoring it and moving forward..like that line from the muthafuckin Bad Brains song..”yeah we got that attitude,yeah we got that PMA!!” Anyway I got to tell ya this quick and see what ya get out of it..My best friend`s girl is wantin to hook me up with her ex sis-in-law.This gal is pretty fine and prissy girly and seems like real fun.She asked for my # and started texting me. We`ve talked a few times (good conversation) and text alot. Thing is,I hope I ain’t gave too much info about me away. She flirts dirty via text and I try to keep my responses kinda aloof but fun n still direct. I`m tryin 2 build excitement here but it`s hard to not go overboard ya know? She lives out in Indiana where I wanna move to anyway and our first meeting will be in a month, unless she wants to ride up to see me. Who knows? Anything can happen. I will resist fucking her the 1st time out of respect and to remain an old-skool gentleman. It will be hard tho, if we do hit it off. Just gotta stay centered is all. She says she`s nervous but excited and I say I`m all smiles and look fwd to meeting her. She also says she thinks I will like her. Sounds great and she is making it easy in a way, but I gotta keep from going overboard with the conversation. I gotta keep it light and funny I know man, and I’ve got compliments thus far from her about my way with words. I`m really lookin forward to this Corey. She`s a knockout! Any solid ideas to keep it light and any tips for conversation starters? It`s goin good thus far and we are goofin around havin fun gettin 2 know each other. How about questions to ask her to show genuine interest (in person and by text or talkin on the phone)? This is one of the toughest things for me cuz I don’t wanna drone on about me, even though I’ve had a widely traveled and loud and unique life,and I don’t know what she`s all about. Ol` gal got 2 grown boys and is recently out of a crummy relationship.I know chivalry is dead nowadays but not for me. Like I said, I`m from an old-skool gentleman mold kinda like Clark Gable or Roger Moore 007, but I keep it modern and not stale or gay. Any input as far as this goes would be great! Thanks man. Tom.
Here’s my response to Tom’s 2nd email:
Dude, YOU’RE AWESOME!!!!! I am so proud of you.
I got your emails and will make a nice email summary of my answers which includes the notes from things we will discuss in our coaching call tomorrow.
This new chick is simply… cannon fodder. Someone to practice your skills on.
We’re gonna have a great coaching call tomorrow! Good stuff!
I told you that you could do it. Now you are. Progress. Keep moving forward. Thats all it takes. Baby steps.
From my heart to yours,
Here’s my notes after our coaching call. Tom is meeting this girl in person in about a month. She already has been sexting him. She is doing most of the pursuing which is the way you want it. They have mutual friends who introduced them via email and pictures. He also has another date lined up this weekend with another girl. He’s made a big turnaround in a few weeks!
He wanted me to give him some questions to ask her (the chick from out of town that’s sexting him already-chicks want it just as bad as men do) when he meets this other girl in person. As I say in my book, the person asking the questions is the one that is in control of the conversation. When a woman is telling you something its good to say things like… “really?” “wow!” “oh, my God” as you would say to someone who is telling you something compelling. I mean, if you like the girl you’d be excited to learn anything about her.
You could ask… “what have you always wanted a man to do to you, but were afraid to ask him?” “what is the most trouble you ever got into as a kid?” “What’s your naughtiest secret?” “What do you do when no one else is around that you would be embarrassed about if people saw you?” “What is the most public place you have ever had sex?” “What is the most fun you’ve ever had?” “What are you most proud of in your life and why are you proud of it?” “What’s your greatest accomplishment?” The key is to come up with open ended questions that she can’t give just a yes or no response to. Let her do 70%-80% of the talking, that way you remain a mystery.
These obviously are not questions you ask a woman on a first date, however, in this situation mutual friends have introduced them and made him out to be a total stud so he’s a lot further along. She has already hinted several times about sleeping with him. He’s done a great job of being a mystery and she is asking… “I hope you like me” “if you like me”, etc. He has been unclear about his feelings. This has caused her to pursue him more and more as well as causing her interest level to go up. You can’t be getting dumped when she is chasing you.
Now he’s got some success and he is building momentum. The best time to meet new women is when you’re already meeting and dating women. Be looking for the third girl to hang out with. Then the fourth, etc. Repetition is the mother of skill. Success breeds confidence. Be excited about your future and your dreams as you chase after them. This is exciting and sexy to women. A man who is pursuing his dreams that is. He seems alive and exciting. He’s going places. Chasing your dreams is fun and exciting. Working a job and living a life you hate makes it pretty hard to get excited long term. You can only fake it for about 90 days when you meet someone new until the “real you” comes out. Human beings need something to be excited about. Like it says in the bible… without a vision the people perish. You can’t fuck a woman with a limp dick. Just like you need a boner to have sex, you have to have a “boner” about your life. Masculine energy is most alive and strong when it has a purpose and a mission that is compelling. A woman wants you to fill her up with that passionate boner and purpose of yours… physically, emotionally and spiritually.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“God’s favor is greater than the obstacles you face. Remember- If God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it” – Jason Allen