This is an email question I got from a reader:
Hi, I am in a relationship for two years now and still my boyfriend tells me no marriage, no kids. I love him with all my heart, but it really hurts to see that he does not want to commit to be engaged with me. What should I do? Pam.
Here’s my response to Pam’s email:
Hi Pam, I know it hurts that he does not want to commit to get married or have kids. The most important things you need to answer for yourself right now are, what’s most important to you? Why do you really want to get married and have kids? What will being married give you that you perceive that you don’t have now? Is he in love with you? Does he put just as much effort into making your relationship work that you do? Does he make you feel loved, appreciated and adored? If staying with him means that you will never have kids or get married, are you willing to forgo what you want? What are your “musts” for your relationship? What are your relationship goals, outcomes and values, and what are his? Are they aligned?
Once you have contemplated on and decided what is most important to you relationship-wise, you must answer some very difficult questions honestly with your heart, and NOT YOUR HEAD. 1) Is the reason he does not want to commit to get married and have kids because he simply has no interest in marriage or having a family? However, you know that he is deeply in love with you because he tells you and shows you through his actions? or 2) Is the reason he does not want to commit to get married and have kids because you have come on too strong and are too needy and pushy regarding marriage and kids? or 3) Is the reason he does not want to commit to get married and have kids because he is not in love with you and neither one of you two has been honest enough with yourselves and each other to admit that? You only stay together because you both are too scared to be single again out of fear that you won’t find somebody better?
If the reason why your boyfriend does not want to commit to get married and have kids is 1) from the previous paragraph, you have to decide if you are willing to give up marriage and kids as the cost to stay with him. Is your love for him stronger than your desire for marriage and a family? If it is, then you have to accept and respect the fact he does not want marriage or a family and don’t try to change or convert him over time. However, if you are unwilling to give up marriage and a family for him, then you must find the guts to leave and find yourself a man who can offer you love, marriage and a family.
If the reason why your boyfriend does not want to commit to get married and have kids is 2) then you need to do some work to improve yourself and your self-esteem. You also need to learn what men and women respond to emotionally in relationships. Please feel free to read my book “How To Be A 3% Man” in the “members section” of my website. I wrote it for men, but you will learn A LOT about yourself, men and why certain things he does really draw you to him. It will give you back some of your own power you may have given away to him unnecessarily. Its FREE and so is my newsletter. It will really help you.
We men fight with this desire to be one with a woman, and also to have our freedom to go off on adventures, or to spend quite time alone in our “bat-cave” just contemplating the mysteries of life and our purpose. Many times, women do not understand that men sometimes need to be by themselves and work through their own problems. Women tend to talk about their problems and work them out in conversation. Men are just the opposite and will feel as if you are prying sometimes when you push to try to get him to open up and talk about something when he does not want to. He will talk about things when he is ready, and only after he has worked them out alone in private, first. It’s giving your man the space to contemplate, dream and strategize about his life’s work and purpose.
Another great FREE resource, is to sign up for Christian Carter’s newsletter at CatchHimAndKeepHim.com Christian has a really good handle on how men think and respond in relationships. He does a good job of communicating that understanding very effectively to women to help them improve their relationships and intimacy; with the help of a man’s perspective.
If the reason why your boyfriend does not want to commit to get married and have kids is 3) then you need to end this relationship. It does not serve you or him to stay together another minute. All you are doing is enabling each others mediocrity and holding each other back. If you know he’s not in love and he does not have the balls to end it, then that shows his weakness and you need to end it. It’s probably what he’s waiting on anyways. If you did stay and eventually had kids, your kids would be totally fucked up emotionally as they would never know what its like to see mom and dad happy and in love. Instead they would simply be getting a dysfunctional example of a loveless relationship to model and copy. When they grow up and leave home, they will seek out the same kind of mediocre type of loveless, passionless and ultimately lifeless relationship. That ain’t livin! End of my response to Pam.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu