Why settling for a mediocre friends with benefits when you are lonely or desperate is never a good idea.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who is talking himself into settling for a mediocre friends with benefits that he wasn’t that into until she started dating another man. Years earlier she had professed her love for him, but he was indifferent to it and didn’t feel the same. He even got to the point where he wasn’t even interested in sleeping with her anymore. Then she started dating another guy and got serious with him.
Now that she has a boyfriend, he says he wants a relationship with her. He professed his feelings, but she stayed with the abusive boyfriend anyway. However, she continues calling and texting him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This topic this is super important. I’ve seen a lot of emails and a lot of guys in situations like this over the years. I’ve done a bunch of phone sessions with guys that get in this very situation. They’re dating a chick, they’re just hooking up because they haven’t found what they really want, and then they don’t put the effort in to keep the girl around.
Eventually, she figures out that he’s just not feeling it. She meets somebody else she likes more, and then they get serious. Then, the guy is like, “I’ve got to get my soul mate back!” It’s like, dude, you didn’t care about her before. You only cared about her once she ran off with somebody else.
Loving your material. Its good reinforcement when us men start to slip to these cold hearted bitches.
Anyway, here’s my question and little back story. Back in early 2020, I lost both my mother and my father within the same month.
Well, that sucks.
It was a very hard time for me. During this time, I had a good friend who was there a lot to support me during this tough time. I met this friend around 2018, and at that time I told her I was not interested in relationships, just looking to have fun.
Hang out, have fun and hook up.
She was fine with that. The whole time we would occasionally have dinner, go out, and have sex from time to time. We texted a lot and started to do things like people in a relationship would do. She told me around late 2019 she was in love with me, but I still told her I was only looking to remain friends. I know she was upset, but she remained by my side as a friend.
Well, a friend with benefits, obviously.
Then, of course, my parents died. Fast forward now to 2021, we were still great friends, but we weren’t having sex, mainly because I haven’t been interested.
He wants this girl back who he didn’t even want to have sex with. How unattractive do you have to be to somebody to not even want to have sex with them when you have been having sex with them? That’s when Elvis has left the building and it’s over.
I feel like I’m still grieving, and I do see a therapist for some depression. She has recently gotten into a relationship, and this guy is a dickhead. He abuses her mentally, verbally and emotionally, and she calls me often crying about how much of a dick he is.
Well, congratulations. You are now the emotional tampon. You are her therapist, her gay male girlfriend.
I told her 5 times to leave now before she gets in too deep, and that she can’t continue to call me with her issues all the time, as it’s not fair to me.
Well, it’s true. She should be speaking to her boyfriend about this.
We went out for dinner the other day and the mood was good. We were having fun, laughing like we always do, and I told her I loved her.
I had these feelings for a while but was holding them back because I was scared of not living up to her expectations.
Really? Yeah, if you’re not having sex with this girl, I would say that’s a load of bullshit. I don’t care what your words say. I look at your actions, and your actions show you didn’t even want to have sex with this girl, you were so not into her. And what guy turns down good pussy when he’s single? It doesn’t happen.
She said, “Do you know how long I’ve been fucking waiting for you to say that?” and started to cry and came over to kiss and hug me. She was so happy and relieved and said she was going to break up with her boyfriend in a few days, but since he’s abusive she needed to figure out how.
Four days go by, no contact, then she finally calls and said she couldn’t do it.
She couldn’t go through with it. I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you. Shocked! So this guy thinks, “If I just puke my feelings, she’ll dump her boyfriend and come back to me.” So, what that tells me, if she’s in a relationship with an abusive guy, she’s got self-esteem issues. And if she stayed with you all this time when you weren’t even having sex with her, it’s because she’s got a low self-esteem. On some level, she’s thinking she doesn’t deserve you or to have what she wants.
But when she doesn’t get treated the way she wants, she sticks around for more abuse. That’s where the low self-esteem comes in. She tolerates it. And so, now she’s attracted another guy who is not treating her properly, that makes her feel like she’s unloved, and unlovable, and unworthy, because that’s obviously how she perceives herself. Look at how she got involved with this guy and the guy she’s currently involved with.
She couldn’t leave him. Okay, whatever. I told her good luck, but we can’t continue like were buddy-buddy anymore. It just wouldn’t be healthy for either of us at this point.
True, and that’s the right thing to say.
So, about 8 days passed, no contact, and now she’s texting me and reaching out to see how I’m doing. I really do want to be with this girl.
But I know I don’t want to play back up to anyone, so I’m not sure how to continue. We have a pretty deep-rooted friendship, and I’m confused how to proceed because I value the friendship, but I’m a bit broken she stayed with this dude.
Well, quite frankly, she shouldn’t be with either one of you guys. She deserves to be with a man who really cares about her, and really loves her, and really values her, and wouldn’t just hang out with her and not have sex with her because he had no romantic attraction to her.
So, again, rejection breeds obsession. You didn’t care anything about this woman until she started fucking some other guy and got serious. Then you’re like, “Oh, I’ve got to have her back.” It’s like, come on, man. That is not the way to go. The right thing to do, the honorable thing to do, the manly thing to do, the masculine thing to do is to say, “I wish you all the best. If I were you, I would leave that guy, but it’s not appropriate for you to be calling me about the problems you have with your boyfriend. Those are things you should be working out with him.”
“If it doesn’t work out and you guys split up, get in touch. But it’s just not appropriate for this to continue, because you’re in a relationship with somebody else.” That’s the right thing to do. She may dump this guy and come back to you, but because I’ve been doing this a long time and I was in a similar situation once, everything that you are not interested in her about, it’s still there. She didn’t change. The only difference is she’s now unavailable, and people tend to want what they can’t have. Rejection breeds obsession.
So, because I’ve done this a lot, I’ve coached a lot of guys in this situation, say she does dump him and comes to yo. And then you get into a relationship three months, six months, a month from now, five weeks from now, you’ve got her and you’re comfortable, you’ve got to remember, you didn’t even have sex with her for the longest time. All those feelings are going to come back, and then you go right back to where you were.
And then, eventually, you’ve got to break her heart again when you realize that you’re just not feeling it and you’re not into it. And then she’s going to be like, “Well, I broke up with my boyfriend for you, and now you’re tossing me side.” That’s just not an honorable way to be, dude. You’ve got to have the testicular fortitude to read what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man” and apply it, so you can attract the woman of your dreams and this particular woman can attract the man of her dreams. Because it’s just not fair to her to treat her this way. It doesn’t serve her, it doesn’t serve you.
But it’s your life. You do what you want. All I’m saying is that I have yet to see one of these situations where a guy writes to me or talks to me in a phone session and tells me exactly what you’ve told me and gets the girl back and actually stays with her. Because you weren’t into her. When you had her, you didn’t care. You were waiting for something better to come along, obviously. And she eventually found somebody else because she got tired of waiting.
So, the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do, is to wish her well, and hopefully she can go find the right guy. Because you’re wasting your time and you’re wasting your life by continuing to give this girl false hope. It’s not an honorable thing to do. It’s not what a masculine man would do, and it’s certainly not what a 3% man would do.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you would like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Rejection tends to breed obsession. People want what they can’t have. They tend to desire someone more when that person becomes unavailable, uninterested or chooses someone else. When a relationship ends, typically the person who is the least interested tends to have all the power and leverage. People who are involved romantically with someone they don’t really care about, often believe they lost their soul mate or true love when that person moves on to someone else. We tend to appreciate what we have to work for but don’t appreciate what comes easy.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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