There is nothing worse, then watching or hearing about a guy who proposes marriage to a woman who he is unsure of whether or not she actually wants to marry him, and she turns him down. Men who find themselves in these situations are usually the most clueless. They usually find out about my work when they are still licking their wounds from being rejected when they were fully expecting to be walking down the aisle to fantastic marriage bliss.
These men all suffer from projecting their own high level of romantic interest onto women they are dating. These guys just assume that she feels the same way. What these men also don’t realize because they don’t know what to look for, is that they may be dating a woman who is just going along with things, but who is not emotionally invested in the relationship. Unfortunately, these guys don’t find out just how much their women don’t love them until they are down on one knee proposing marriage. Here’s how to avoid becoming the clueless guy who gets dumped unexpectedly when he wants marriage, but she wants out.
The following is an e-mail from a reader. He was all proud of himself. He went and bought a ring expecting to propose to his girlfriend, but instead she broke up with him and told him the relationship was over. He was obviously shocked! He e-mails asking what he can do to get her back despite the fact that she will not answer any of his phone calls or texts. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
Thank you for the emails. I read them no matter if it relates to what I am personally going through or not, because you never know when you may need this information. (Smart man)
Here is my problem: I have been dating this wonderful woman for about two years; living with her on the weekends and loving her so much. In the two years there has been one or two times we argued, that’s it. (Men who understand women never argue with them. They communicate lovingly with them.) One was because I missed a few days of texting her “good morning baby” and the other was when I took the phone number of a girl who I had no interest in other then she knew my girlfriends exhusband who has threatened to kill me on two occasions. (Major Red Flag) I got it because I have passed along information should anything happen to me. I understand how she would feel, and I was wrong to do that under normal situations, but our relationship was far from normal. Her ex was the president of a large motor cycle gang. I have reasons to fear. I also did the honorable thing, which was tell her I did it before she found out about it because I love her. I have had some reserved feelings. (Who wouldn’t? Dating a woman whose ex-husband could shorten your life expectancy can do that to you.) I want to marry this lady because I love her so much. (Love is not a good reason to get married. You get married because you both love each other, feel the same way and have similar values, goals and interests. Most importantly, you get married because you both are a good match. I don’t like what I’m reading so far.) I also know that that will not happen until her children accept me, or are 18. (Interest level cuts everything. If a woman has 90% interest level in you, she will change her religion, change her country, move, etc. It does not sound like you are paying any attention to how she really feels about you.)
I have reserved feelings because I did not like something she had done. I have a friend in another state, and he came to visit, but when we all went out for some drinks, we returned to the house and while we were all talking he showed her a picture of his abs; and she lifted up his shirt to see. This hurt me to no end. (You’re acting like a little weak bitch here. Who cares if your buddy has nice abs and your girl likes them. Women are going to find men attractive who take care of their bodies. This is needy and insecure behavior. You can’t expect a woman to stop being who she is so you don’t feel insecure. You should have the attitude that if she chooses another man over you, its her loss and you really feel that way. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out baby! If she leaves you, then it simply means you will find someone hotter and better suited to you.) That’s when I started to be reserved. (This insecurity and feelings of inferiority are your issues. Obviously you are not taking good enough care of your body to look as good as your friend. If you love yourself and you love women, you will take care of you for them. “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”-Jim Rohn) I was not wanting to get hurt any more then I was already. I was waiting to see how or if she was going to do anything to make me feel more secure before I went any further. (You must earn a woman’s love slowly over time by treating her properly. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn the basics of approaching, dating & understanding what women really want in a man.) It was the last night that we were together that she made me feel so secure. (No, you decided based upon what transpired that you felt secure. The meanings of the events of our lives only have the meanings that we give them. You should feel secure with or without a woman in your life. Anything else means you are walking around looking for a woman, someone or something outside of yourself to fulfill and make you happy. This approach always leads to suffering, rejection and misery.) Every feeling that I had of insecurity went out the window. I was ready to ask her to be my wife. Best love we made I personally think. (You go boy!) The next morning I went to work. I decided to buy a ring and ask her to marry me on Saturday. (If she was not bringing up marriage prior to this, then it means you have not successfully kept her interest level above 90% for an extended period of time. She does not bring it up because she does not feel she wants to marry you. You have only been paying attention to how you felt, but ignored how she felt about you. You feel insecure about where you stand with her because you simply do not understand women. See page 120 of my book. That’s why you need to read my book over and over. At least 10-15 times.) I forgot to text her on Thursday. Friday came and I was so happy. I called her to ask her what time I should be there on Friday and she said not to come. She had other plans. I said I wanted to see her on Saturday, and she said how about after 4pm.
She said we were through. (This is the definition of being clueless with women. You were thinking marriage, while she was thinking how she could end things with you.) I was so hurt and confused that I lost it. (Men that understand women because they have read my book, don’t get confused by women. The good news about being confused? It means you’re about to learn something.) I yelled at her which was bad enough, but I threatened her. Not with physical harm, but said things like, you will talk to me or else I will let your boss know certain things that could possibly get her fired. (That’s real mature. You should never threaten a woman like that.) I am sure there is plenty more of that, because I was so betrayed here. (You weren’t betrayed, you were clueless because you never took the time to learn to understand women. Don’t feel bad. 97% of men are just as confused as you are. However, the good news is… once you read my book you won’t be as clueless. The light bulbs will start to go off.) I felt everything was better, and now she will not even talk to me period. (Duh!) I am hurt, mostly confused. (Read my book to end the confusion.) I feel like I was set up for this let down, and it was done purposely. (She probably was planning to end your relationship for some time, but probably held out hope things would get better. Instead, she stayed until she had no respect for you anymore as things went downhill. Then she left.) That’s how I feel. I want to believe she loves/loved me, and she is hurting too. (When a woman breaks up with you after she has lost all respect for you, she feels nothing when she leaves.) I have some serious health issues that came up, and I want to let her know. (I honestly don’t think she cares. You should focus on taking care of yourself and getting better.) I recently had a heart attack, and possible surgery to follow. I try to text her and nothing. I call her and no answer. How can I get her to talk to me? (Dude, she obviously does not want to talk to you. Stop calling. Maybe down the road she will call, but its not likely. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself that you can be. Practice what I teach so you can start meeting and dating some women whose lives are drama free, and minus the psycho biker gang exhusbands. This girl is not a good match or catch for you. Plus, she obviously wants nothing to do with you anymore. NEVER try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.) I am not trying to ask for her back. (Come on! You’re bullshitting yourself here.) I just need to know that she understands how I feel about my surgery, and if it can be worked out; (You just said you’re not trying to get her back in the previous sentence. If she ever calls you, then you can tell her. Otherwise, forget about it. You can’t guilt, pity or shame a woman into coming back to you.) I am willing to try, but my health issues are what scares me. (No, you are hoping she will feel sorry for you and want to come back because of your health issues. That’s pretty weak dude. Alpha Males do not act this way.)
How can I get her to talk to me about things to see if we could even try to rebuild this? (You can’t. You’ve already reached out to her. She ignored you. Her actions speak louder than words. Move on and start practicing what I teach in earnest so you can become better, and attract a woman who is a good match for you.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If you’re angry, it’s always better to bite your tongue now, than lash out & say something you’ll regret later.”-Corey Wayne