He Was Her Bi-Monthly Booty Call, Not Her Boyfriend

How to tell if you’re a booty call or her boyfriend.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been a student for five years. He recently got dumped by a woman he’d been seeing for about 10 months. She has kids, one with ADHD, but never met them even though he wanted to. They only saw each other every other week. He started pursuing 20-30% of the time at her request a few months ago when she started testing him. Then she dumped him saying they didn’t spend enough time together for it to be worthwhile. He spent countless hours talking on the phone and very little time together in person, violating the principles taught in 3% Man.

She said she only felt like he was a friend despite the frequent sex when they saw each other. He thought he was her boyfriend, but I explain that he was only her part time booty call. She really wasn’t that into him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This email is kind of like a cautionary tale of why you should follow what’s in the book and not cherry pick or bend the rules. Especially like in this guy’s case, do the opposite of what the book teaches. So he recently got dumped, but he says he’s been a student for five years, and he recently got dumped by a woman he’d been seeing for about 10 months. She has a couple of kids, one of them has ADHD, but he never met them even though he wanted to. They only saw each other like every other week, I guess when she didn’t have the kids and her ex had the kids. She was doing most of the calling, but part of the problem was, and he was violating, he wasn’t treating the phone as a communication device to set dates, appointments and get togethers. He made the mistake of thinking, “No, this is a special case. The only way I can build a relationship is to talk to her on the phone.”

So what happened was he was constantly unavailable, constantly her emotional tampon, always talking on the phone for countless hours a week and very little time together in person other than every other week. Even though they were having sex, what’s interesting is a few months ago, she stopped reaching out to him. Then a few days went by and he reached out to her and she’s like, “Oh, I did that on purpose just to see if you would reach out to me.” She said he didn’t make enough of an effort, so he decided that, in addition to all of the constant long phone calls and very little in-person get togethers, that he should now start doing 20% to 30% of the pursuing at her request because again, it was a special case because she’s got kids and doesn’t want to get a babysitter. Well, for Chad Thundercock, she’ll get a babysitter, she’ll figure it out, but for a guy she has low interest in and low respect and who never meets her kids, he’s just a booty call. He’s a guy that she sees every couple of weeks, beats up her pelvis and then she keeps him at arm’s length when she needs to vent or she needs the emotional tampons. She just calls him and he sits there on the phone listening to her, which he should have never done, but he made his choice. What happened was he started doing 20% to 30% of the pursuing at her request. On top of that, he continued the verbal diarrhea on the phone and very little in-person get together. Then she dumps him saying, “Well, we don’t really spend enough time together. We shouldn’t see each other anymore.” So he’s going, “What the hell? I’m really missing her.”

It’s not dawning on him the fact that he was always available on the phone, but did very little in person get togethers. Then he’s shocked that she just callously blew him off because she didn’t respect him. She didn’t have strong feelings of attraction, she was not looking at him as potentially being a stepfather to her kids and it’s clear he kind of pedestalized her, kissed her ass, went along with it and she ran the relationship. Then he’s shocked that he just got tossed aside like garbage, because he probably believes that he was being a good student, even though he was violating a major principle.

I learned that principle the hard way in my 20s. The phone is for setting dates. You spend a lot of time talking to a girl on the phone, you’re typically going to talk her out of liking you. What’s the reason? If you’re talking to her every day for hours on end, then when the weekend comes and she doesn’t want to get a babysitter because she doesn’t want to leave her kids with anybody else, but she doesn’t want you to meet her children and she’s OK with only seeing you every other week, you’re basically a booty call. You’re not a boyfriend. She wasn’t even considering this guy for boyfriend and he didn’t recognize it. I don’t think he still recognized it because he thinks that what he did with the phone was totally OK because of her situation. He did not seem to operate as a man who valued himself and loved himself and saw himself as as a catch. He was a guy that shoehorned himself into her life only when it was convenient for her to get together so he could beat up her pelvis, then she blamed him for not reaching out enough and then just totally blew him off when he started reaching out at her request and said, “Well, we don’t spend enough time together.”

The reality is she had low interest and low respect in him the whole time. She never fell deeply, head over heels in love with him. She never tried to lock him down to a commitment. The red flags should have been going off. The alarm bells should have been sounding. He should have recognized that this thing is not working out the way it should be, but he was probably only focused on his interest in her and wasn’t paying attention to the fact that she kept him at arm’s length. She didn’t let him anywhere near her kids, she didn’t even introduce him, and he was only allowed to come over when the kids weren’t there and she didn’t have them. Other than that, when she felt she needed to emote or she needed a gay male girlfriend or an emotional tampon, she picked up the phone and called him. He dropped what he was doing to be there for her and try to create rapport with her over the phone.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Thanks for your awesome work, been a student for the last five years or so, read the book half a dozen times and has been of good help.

Well, if you’ve been following me for five years and you barely read it five or six times, you haven’t been a good student. Especially when I know that you basically became her emotional tampon, which the book specifically and explicitly tells you not to do. Otherwise, this is exactly what happens. The girl is never going to fall in love with you. Why even see you if you’re always talking on the phone? I mean, this is like one of the core principles in the book and he totally violated it and he doesn’t see a problem with it.

So up until a week ago, I was dating this lady for 10 months. We are both in our forties, I work hard and she has kids and a job. She chased me for six months calling everyday, I know you say the phone is for setting dates, but as you will see I believe she really needs to have phone conversations to build interest otherwise we would hardly be talking when we were together was always touching me and indoor Olympics was good.

Well, at the end of the day, you’re writing me an email going, “Gee, I don’t understand why I got dumped, Coach,” even though you willingly violated the principles. In other words, you tried to build rapport and build a relationship over the phone because of her lack of availability. What you should have done was when she calls and she wants to talk, “Hey, let’s get together?” Or “Why don’t you come?” “Oh, I got the kids.” “Well, I can come by.” “I don’t want them to meet you. I don’t feel comfortable.” Hey, no problem. I’d love to see you. So when are you free to get together next?” “Oh, I’m free next week.” I ‘d be like, “Great. Well, I’ll come pick you up on Friday next week, but I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” You don’t sit there and become an emotional tampon on the phone, but you didn’t do that. You didn’t follow what was in the book because again, you barely read it five, six times.

All I can do is suggest if you want to try it your way, don’t be surprised, because if you’re dating a woman for 10 months, she should have been head over heels in love with you, she would have been excited to introduce you to her children, despite the fact one of them’s got ADHD. She would have been hoping that you would want to be a stepdad, but it never even got to that point because her feelings just never got there.

I arranged dates for us and she would text me as soon as she had left and said, “Thanks for an amazing night,” etc. I wasn’t needing to initiate contact at all. Then around three months ago there, she didn’t call for three days. I was thinking, “Don’t come unglued,” and remained calm, re-read my trusty 3% Man and assumed she was testing my strength.

Well, you weren’t really that close. If you’ve been dating somebody for seven months and you’re only seeing each other every other week, yet you’re talking on the phone all the time, you’re like a digital pen pal, you’re the emotional tampon, you’re the gay male girlfriend and the occasional booty call when it’s convenient for her. Other than that, you don’t meet her friends, you don’t meet her family, you don’t really know anything about her other than you would occasionally go out. So you had a bi-monthly girlfriend for a couple of days in the weekends when she didn’t have her kids. I would imagine on Wednesdays she didn’t have the kids, so you should have been going over Wednesdays, or she should have been coming to you.

Again, you violated the principles in the book, you gave all the power away and you let her set the tone, set the rules and the agenda, so she really was kind of the man in the relationship. She treated you like a side piece and there was no real deep closeness or intimacy. It was more, and you’ll see at the end, she also mentions that she just felt like he was a friend. So that’s what happens. She never has enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to be unsure of herself and where she stands with you.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you are going to do the opposite of what the book teaches and be an emotional tampon seven days a week, you should not be surprised at all when she dumps you after 10 months and says that the feelings that she had towards you were just kind of platonic. So that means she wasn’t even that into fucking you. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re going to violate the principles and then send me an email and go, “Gee, I don’t understand what happened,” you’re going to get roasted. Again, I learned all this stuff the hard way many decades ago. If you want to come in and think that the stuff doesn’t apply to you, you’re going to learn the hard way and you’re going to get burned. I’m sure this guy kind of feels like a dunce for the fact he devoted 10 months of his life to a woman who would only make time for him every other week, so she doesn’t call him for three days.

When she did text, she asked if I was I going to call. I was cool and said, “Hey baby, good to hear from you. I’ve been busy at work,” and called her straight away.

So she’s like, “Are you going to call me?” She’s purposely not calling him because again, she was the man in the relationship.

She did say that she was testing to see if I cared and it’s always her initiating contact, so I started contacting around 20-30% and reassured her I was into her.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you’re seven months into it and your girl has not introduced you to her children, doesn’t want you to meet her kids, even though you’ve told her you were open to it, that’s not a good sign. That’s a sign that you’re a low priority and she’s really not that into you. You’re just an occasional booty call and an emotional tampon. I know it’s not fun to hear that, but that’s all you have to do, is bottom line her actions. This is right out of the book. You violated the principles in the book and you got burned.

I’m thinking I am being overly cool.

Around a month later, there was a sports event I wanted us to go to and had asked if she would like to come around a month previous. A few days before the event, I mentioned it and she was like, “Well it may be wet on Sunday.” It was one of the hottest days of the year, so it sounded flakey and I will admit I was butt-hurt and didn’t call for four days. I know I should have just remained unperturbed, but too late now.

Yeah, if you don’t hear from her, I would have waited for a full week if that’s what it would have taken. Again, it’s like you’re seven, eight, nine months into it and you’re barely together. It’s like you should have realized. Again, because you only read the book five or six times, he probably didn’t pay much attention to the relationship stuff, so he never really got out of the booty call stage. That’s all it was for her, which you’ll see as we get to the end of it.

She obviously sensed it and no contact for five days.

When I did call five days later (I know, it was me who reached out)…

Because again, she has all the power and she knows that. The reality is, this guy is doing her a favor by dating her because she’s got two kids. On top of that, she’s not willing to get a babysitter so she can spend time with her man. Yeah, she didn’t give a fuck about you. You’re just a part time booty call. This guy was probably only focused on his high interest in her and ignoring the fact that she treated him like a second class citizen.

…She said I had blanked her, I said, “Well, it takes two and I haven’t heard from you either.” I owned the responsibility as the man and said it wasn’t a big thing and must have just been a misunderstanding.

I would have said, “Well, if you wanted to talk to me, why didn’t you pick up the phone and call?” Again, if a woman is head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to do this shit at all. This is a woman that’s going, “Do I really want to continue seeing this guy?” She’s like, “What if I don’t call him for a few days? Am I even going to miss him?” So she doesn’t call you for a few days, you start doing backflips, jumping through your butt and jumping through her hoops, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and apologizing, and she’s going, “Ehh.” Her feelings instead of going up, they continue going down.

The next day, we talked over phone (She has children and can’t get a sitter) and all seemed OK. She asked me out to go bowling on the weekend. I only see her every other weekend as she will not let anyone babysit for her youngest as he has ADHD.

That’s what she says, but for a man she really loves and cares about, she’ll make time for her man, especially if she’s worried about losing her man to another woman, but because you pedestalized her, kissed her ass and treated her like a celebrity when you were always available to be her emotional tampon, that’s why you never saw her in person, because she got what she needed. She got the attention and validation from you while she probably continued looking for, probably dating and hooking up with guys that actually acted like men consistently and were not going to shoehorn themselves into her life. If she’s got kids and she won’t make time, won’t get a babysitter, you should be spending your time with a woman who does.

She told me that when we met and has stayed true to her word.

Again, women violate their rules for men they love. She didn’t love you. That’s a harsh reality. I know you don’t like hearing that, but that’s a fact. That’s how she treated you.

I have tried to meet her children, but when I suggest it she has again been a little flakey about when and just kinda says, “I’ll let you know.”

When a woman says, “I’ll let you know,” it’s like “Maybe,” it means no. It means, “I don’t want you to meet my kids. You’re not important enough to me and I don’t think highly enough of you to think you’re worthy of meeting my children.” That’s what it means. I know that’s harsh, but somebody’s got to tell you because you’re delusional.

Scroll on a month and she has ended it saying she really likes me but doesn’t think we have enough time to put into it at the moment, but I can call her later if I want to talk.

She thought so highly of him that after 10 months and the sex and everything, “Oh yeah, we just don’t have enough time to put into it.” So she’s also kind of trying to blame him like it’s his fault, and quite frankly, it was because he didn’t cause her to feel attracted enough to where she was willing to throw her rule book out the window and break all of her rules for the man that she loves. This was just an occasional booty call they got that she got bored of, and when she was bored and the feelings didn’t go anywhere, she tossed him aside like garbage.

Obviously I did call…

Because again, she’s the man and you were a little puppy dog.

…And said, “Look, I’m prepared to put in more time and come over and see you.” I was unaware that she wanted that as when I had suggested it she hadn’t said for definite when, but she had the blockers up and whatever I said wasn’t working.

Yeah, she was checked out because she didn’t feel anything for you. Had nothing to do with your availability. You were available. She didn’t make herself available to you because you were always available to talk on the phone, and you were violating the principles in the book, and it sailed right over your head. If you’re spending 10 months dating a girl, you’ve never met her kids, you only can see her every other week and she won’t get babysitters, you’re not important. You’re just an occasional OK booty call.

She then said, “I see you as friend…”

So there’s where it is. She never fell in love, and that’s why you didn’t meet the kids. It wasn’t because you weren’t available or didn’t have enough time. She didn’t want you meeting her children because she didn’t like you enough. She just had platonic feelings because again, you were always available to talk on the phone, even though you’re like, “Oh Coach, you’ll see in a second. That doesn’t apply in my case.” She dumped you and all you did was elicit platonic feelings instead of romantic ones. You basically dried her pussy up drier than the Sahara desert by letting her run the relationship and being available to talk on the phone. You made the excuse for that, “Oh, she doesn’t want to get a babysitter. Therefore, I’ve got to talk on the phone every day, and then I only get to see her every other week.”

…Even though we were still having sex a few days earlier. She said, “We could still be friends,” which I refused to accept and said, “I only have romantic interest,” and not interested to be a friend and to give me a call if she changes her mind.

I definitely haven’t been clingy or over-pursued. Have I been a cold fish? Or has she just lost interest?

She never really had much interest to begin with because again, you were always available. You’re just like the guy from the office that gets the girl’s number, spends six months or a year chit-chatting on the phone goes to lunches and friendly coffees and gets a nice hug. In this case, you were having sex, but she just didn’t care. She wasn’t feeling it. She tried to friend zone you. Probably because she met somebody else who makes her pussy wet.

Was she testing me to see if Id be begging her not to break up?

No. She tossed you aside because she wasn’t feeling it anymore. The longer you were together, the more turned off she became.

Or was it done a month previously when she didn’t come to the sports event?

Again, the reason she didn’t go to the sports event is because her interest was low and she didn’t want to see you. She just wasn’t that into it. She wasn’t feeling it. That’s why when women love you, they jump fences to be with you. When they don’t, they make excuses that sound reasonable and sound logical.

If you would have taken a step back and looked at this, I mean, you read my book. My girlfriend that had a daughter, she was pushing the daughter. She wanted me to spend time with her. She wanted to pull me into her life. She wanted to be that close with me because she trusted me with her most precious thing in the world, which was her baby girl. When a girl insists that you take her baby girl to Disney for the day, Sea World or the upside down place also known as the, what is it? Not the Fun Spot. It’s on I-drive in Orlando. She always used to call it, “Are you going to go to the upside down place?” I was like, “We’ll go wherever you want, baby.” I’m trying to think, it’s on I-drive. I can’t think of the name. It’s a thing that John Morgan owns. Really cool place. If you got kids and you’re in Orlando, take them to the upside down place on I-drive.

All I know is that I miss her and this no contact is bloody hard.

Any help is appreciated!

Bob

Well, this is what happens. Everything is in the book. You’ve been following me for five years and you did the opposite. You made excuses for this woman because you had super high interest in her and you ignored the fact that she wasn’t willing to do anything. If you’re not getting introduced to her family, if she doesn’t feel comfortable with you being around her kids, you got a problem. She’s not into you. She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t respect you. You’re just, again, an occasional booty call. I mean, in my book, it’s laid out. We were a family. My girlfriend that had the dog. We were a family. I knew all of her family. Her parents loved me. Her brothers loved me. Her uncles loved me. We got to know everybody. We were always together. That’s a real relationship. She was wanting to know when we were going to get engaged, when we were together back then. This woman, she can’t even get a babysitter for you. You know, my girlfriend, she had her brothers, she had her cousins, she had her parents, there was always somebody that could watch her baby girl when she and I would have our date nights. That’s what a woman does when she loves you. She makes time for you. She gets a babysitter. When she doesn’t think very highly of you, she goes, “Oh, I don’t trust anybody with my daughter,” or “I don’t trust anybody with my son. I don’t trust anybody with my kids.” That’s what they say to guys that they don’t really care about, because she’s not into you and doesn’t want you to have anything to do with the kids.

What I would do if I were you, I personally wouldn’t be dating somebody like this. She may come back. If she does, don’t go to her. She’s got to come to your place. Don’t be talking on the phone all the time. If she calls you and wants to talk, just say, “Well, I’m willing to hear you out and hear what you have to say, but after the fact that we were together for ten months and then you break up over text? All I can tell looking back on our relationship is we weren’t really that close. We were just kind of like fuck buddies. So if you want to get together, if you want another chance, I’m willing to hear you out. I’m down to make dinner at my place.” If she’s like, “Oh, let’s meet out, or “Come pick me up,” just say, “No. You’re the one that ended things. If you want another chance with me, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over, make dinner, talk and have fun, then give me a call in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting out then.” “Oh, but I want to talk to you.” “Yeah, I’m not going to talk in the phone. If you want to talk, we can do it in person. If not, call me in a few weeks. Maybe when things settle down, I’ll meet you out,” but not that you’re going to meet her out.

You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and you got to apply what’s in the book. That means no more chit-chatting on the phone. If she complains, “Oh, you don’t want to talk to me on the phone?” It’s like, “I want a relationship with a woman. I don’t want a digital pen pal with somebody that I talk to every day, but I only see two weeks and you live 15 minutes from me. That’s ridiculous. If that’s the level of effort you’re willing to invest, then you’re just not serious. Then I’m going to treat you like an occasional booty call. When you don’t have the kids, if you want to come by and hook up, give me a call. If I got nothing going on, you’re welcome to come over.” I wouldn’t go pick her up. I wouldn’t meet her out. I wouldn’t do any of those things. Make her come to you and make sure things are done on your terms. Make sure you actually apply what’s in the book, not cherry pick and do the opposite and then be shocked that she goes, “I just think of you as a friend” after 10 months together. You did it to yourself.

I know I’ve been harsh, but somebody’s got to shake the shit out of you and wake you up, because this is not the way to behave with women. This is what happens. You only elicit platonic feelings and she clearly had all the power. I can just tell the way she talked to you. She would say, “Jump!” And you’d be like, “How high, Your Highness?” I mean, it’s kind of disgusting the way you acted, dude. Hopefully you can look at it and laugh at yourself now and learn from it, because I did all the same mistakes. I’m not here calling the kettle black, but when the stuff is laid out in the book and then you do the opposite and then you’re kind of scratching your head going, “Gee, I don’t know what happened.” It’s like you were emotional tampon in the phone. That’s what happened. You violated the phone principles, so you got burned very predictably.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.