Her Ex Wants Her Back & She’s Gone Cold On Me

What you can do when a girl you’re dating goes cold after her ex wants her back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25 year old viewer who has been following my work for about 3 years. He’s read 3% Man about 7 times. He started dating a 20 year old hot college student who doesn’t appear to be over her ex. Now her ex wants her back and she’s been getting colder and more distant. She says she is pretending to agree to dating her ex again so she can break his heart for revenge. She also canceled their first date after she got back from studying abroad for the summer. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Her Ex Wants Her Back & She’s Gone Cold On Me.”

So this particular email is from a guy who’s 25. He’s been following my work for about three years and he says he’s read 3% Man, Sweet Blue Book here, seven times so far. And he started dating a 20 year old hot college student who doesn’t appear to be over her ex. So now her ex supposedly wants to get back with her, and she’s been getting colder, and more distant. Plus, she was also away for the summer going to classes. I guess like taking summer classes somewhere else. So she gets back in town. He hadn’t seen her in months, but they’ve been talking a lot on the phone.

She comes back to town. They spend quite a bit of time talking on the phone. They had a date set up. And she proceeds to tell him that she told her ex that she was going to give him another chance, because she’s manipulating him, because she wants to break his heart, make him think that she’s interested and really giving him another chance.

But she’s really not doing it. And so what’s interesting is they had a date set up for the day that he wrote this email, and she cancelled that and pushed it off later in the week. And now he’s scratching his head and going, “Ah. She just still seems really cold and distant.”

And so this is just something if you’re going to date, you date enough women, you’re going to come across women that have recently broken up with an ex. And in this particular case, the guy dumped her and now he wants another chance. And rejection breeds obsession. And since she was the one getting dumped, it wasn’t her idea.

She’s probably still been carrying the torch. And now that he’s back in the picture and wanting another chance what it looks like is, she’s slow rolling things with this particular guy so she can figure out what’s going on with the ex, if it’s legit or not.

And so she’s being a little disingenuous, but if we can look through the actions of what’s really going on and tell what her true intent is, even though she in essence, is trying to keep this guy in the hook while she explores things with the other guy, but she doesn’t want to just jump back with the other guy because he already burned her once. And so that’s why it would make sense that she cancelled their date and pushed it off for several days in the future, so she can get some time to go meet with or talk to this other ex.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email and see exactly what’s going on here. Because at some point, if you date enough women, you’re going to come across women that there’s an ex in the background and or most of the time it’s the woman dumping the guy. But in this case, the guy dumped the girl. And so he’s going to have a lot of leverage over her because again, rejection breeds obsession.

And if he just started dating this girl and plus they’ve been apart and plus he’s been spending a lot of time talking to her on the phone and very little in person, especially the last few months. From a leverage perspective, he’s upside down and in a weaker position, so he really is not going to be able to do any kind of pursuing. He’s just going to have to wait and let the situation work itself out.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

Hope you’re well! I’ve been following your work for about 3 years, and you really helped me get over my last long-term relationship. I have some queries about the girl I’ve been dating for the last 3 months who’s been growing colder, and I’m wondering if it’s due to loss of attraction or because her ex is back in the picture. I’m 25, she’s 20 and is stunningly beautiful and knows it.

We’ve been seeing each other around twice a week and end up back at hers every time, until August when she went away for summer school. Her interest level was high, she was doing 70-80% of the contacting and we were constantly speaking. She said she liked me because unlike other guys I didn’t blow up her phone and become obsessed – something I attribute to your work! I traveled to see her during her classes and stayed at hers for a week – in hindsight this was too much time together.

No, it wasn’t. Because she invited you.

But I became comfortable and showed too much availability.

I will say you definitely spent too much time talking and chit chatting on the phone and always being available. But when she wanted to see you and you went to see her for a week, that’s fine. You’re hanging out and having fun hooking up and you need to be seeing each other in person anyways if you want things to progress.

In the 3 weeks since I got back her texting has tapered off.

Then you should be matching and mirroring that.

And she has gone from telling me everything to sending one picture a day on Snapchat.

Well, the phone is for setting dates, and now you’re all over each other’s social media, and she expects you to be available 24/7. And at 25 years old, you should have more going on in your life than being constantly available on the messaging apps. Really, the only thing you’re really going to need is just texting. When you start getting on Snapchat and Instagram and all these messages, and you’re always available for and you’re always looking at her story, she’s always looking at yours.

She can tell you got nothing else going on in your life. It dissolves all the mystery you may have had. And besides, you’re 25 years old. It’s time to grow up. Not act like you’re in middle school or a teenager where you’re constantly in contact and trying to maintain a Snapchat streak because that actually works to your disadvantage, especially when you’re long distance. This way, if you were just texting and maybe once a week you do a video date or something like that while she’s away in between, you’re actually going to see her in person.

When I’ve tried to make conversation she responds very dry.

Well, again, you should be making conversation in person. So.

So I’ve pulled back and have not been initiating. A couple days ago she returned to the country, so when she reached out I arranged for us to have a dinner date together and she agreed. She then FaceTimed me and we spoke for a couple of hours.

Again, you should be doing this in person and catching up, but you’re violating principles in The Book. Always being available. I mean, spending hours FaceTiming when she’s back in town, you should be like, “come over.” Make a date. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. But what’s happening is you’re becoming an emotional tampon or gay male girlfriend, and you’re communicating that you’re totally into her.

And now that there’s an ex back in the picture, she knows that you’re on the hook and she’s got you where she wants you. So she could kind of leave you hanging there while she goes and explores things with this other guy. So that’s on you. You shouldn’t have been doing that. The principles are in The Book for a reason. If you don’t listen to them. You get burned. You shouldn’t be surprised.

She then FaceTimed me and we spoke for a couple of hours having barely spoken otherwise.

Again, you had a date. You should have been doing it in person.

She was being affectionate.

Well, you can’t show affection digitally. She could say nice things, but at the end of the day you’re talking and chit chatting on the phone for hours. And again, we know when we get to the end of the email, she cancelled their date and pushed it back. Again. This is why you follow what’s in The Book.

She was being affectionate, telling me how much she missed me and wanted to see me. She told me her parents liked me, asked if my family approve of her, and asked me if I love her (I said that’s a secret for now).

Again, these are conversations you should be having in person. You haven’t seen the girl in weeks since you last went to visit her, and now she’s back in town and you spend several hours FaceTiming instead of getting together. It’s like, what are you thinking?

Here’s where things get strange – she also told me that her ex-situationship who she dated for 6 months recently asked to rekindle things.

Remember he dumped her.

She told me that she “agreed” to begin dating him again, but reassured me she was “pretending” so she could break his heart because he had emotionally manipulated her.

So she wants to emotionally manipulate him. Again. This should be happening in person, but you’re not following The Book. You’re kind of doing your own thing, being an emotional tampon. And that’s not the kind of behavior you want to see. You should be saying, like, look, I don’t know if you’re in a relationship or not, but you spent all that time with her.

And if you’ve been seeing her this amount of time, she should be your girlfriend. And the last thing you want to hear from your girlfriend is that she’s pretending to give her ex another chance, just so she can manipulate him and break his heart. That just sounds absurd. I would say that’s ridiculous. It’s like. I don’t think so. If we’re in a relationship, you’re not going to be giving your ex-boyfriend the impression that you’re giving him another chance. That’s disrespectful to you and I.

And if that’s what you want to do, then we’re obviously just fuck buddies and friends with benefits. And I can date and sleep with who I want, and you can do the same. But that’s not what we agreed. However, it doesn’t look like it ever got to that point. Because again, he’s spending too much time chit chatting on the phone. Because he probably, I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t have a job.

If he’s always going to her place, then maybe that means he doesn’t have his own apartment. So at some point you got to grow up and be a man, dude. You’re 25 years old. It’s time to get out from underneath mommy and daddy’s umbrella. Pay for your own bills. Get your own place. Get your shit together. Get your mission and purpose in order.

This confused me but I avoided getting perturbed; it doesn’t seem like she’s fully over him, especially as he broke things off.

Yeah, rejection breeds obsession, so he’s got the leverage in this case. Most of the time it’s the women that did the dumping. But when the woman got dumped and then the guy wants to come back and get another chance, that’s what she’s probably been waiting for. Especially they spent six months together. And I don’t know how much time this guy actually spent with his girl in person.

This time frame coincides with her going cold on me, so I’m wondering if she’s hiding her true feelings. 

Yeah, she’s definitely more into this guy than she’s letting on.

After the call she has gone back to being cold. I should’ve been on a date with her today, but she cancelled and rescheduled to later in the week as she is “unwell”. 

I’d say she is just stalling and buying time so she can get together with the other guy in person. So instead of seeing you, she’s going to go see the ex. That’s what happened here. And again, this is why you don’t spend two, three hours chit chatting on the phone. There’s nothing mysterious. You probably told her everything you’ve been up to. Bored the hell out of her.

And so now she’s putting you off so she can go spend time with the ex. Because she did tell you, she told him she was giving him another chance. Even though she tells you. “Oh, I’m just pretending.” Well, she’s just pretending until she’s not. She’s just pretending until his dick is inside her. Then it’s. “Oh, it just happened. I couldn’t say no.”

As a fan of your work I’ve read the book about 7-8 times.

But it’s not going to help you if you do the opposite of it.

And I don’t feel like I’ve done much wrong.

You were her emotional tampon. You were spending too much time chit chatting on the phone and not enough in person. Especially when she got back in town. You spent 2 or 3 hours on the phone and then she cancelled your date.

She has always complimented me on how I pass her tests and how comfortable I make her feel.

Well, again, if we take a step back and we look at our actions and we bottom line the actions, none of that really matters, because instead of spending time with you on a date and you beating up her pelvis, she’s now hanging out with her ex to give him another chance. Remember, she was just pretending. She’s only pretending until it changes. Until he’s inside of her. Then, “Oh, I’m going to give this another try. Let’s just be friends for now. I hope you understand.”

I’m trying to maintain emotional discipline but her inconsistent behavior, and her ex in the background, is very stressful.

Again, this is why you got to follow what’s in The Book. You can’t cherry pick or ignore half The Book and then send me an email saying, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong or done much wrong, because after all this time together, she should have been head over heels in love with you. And then when the ex comes back in the picture, it wouldn’t have mattered. But your game has been sloppy.

My instincts are that she still isn’t over her ex. I’m wondering if she FaceTimed me out of guilt because even though she knows I’m better for her, she can’t change her feelings for him.

Well, you’re not following The Book and you spent a couple hours on the phone reassuring her how much you were into her and probably acting a little dopey and drooling all over her. And then she knew she had you. She knew you’re wrapped around her finger, and she can put you off, and you’ll put up with it. Because you’re soft and squishy. You’re doing what a squishy guy does. He spends all the time on the phone and very little in person.

I’m unsure what to do.

Nothing at this point.

My head says move on and start dating but because we’re exclusive.

Okay, so they actually were exclusive. Yeah, it’s like none of this shit’s acceptable and you should have put your foot down. You should have said, “hold on, hold on. Time out, time out. What do you mean? You told your ex boyfriend that you’re pretending to get back together with him. It’s like you’re my girlfriend. That is not okay for you to pretend with another guy and to spend time with another guy and be chit chatting with your ex. And you expect me to be exclusive? I don’t think so.”

I don’t want to ruin things as I really like this girl, and I have no evidence she’s actually seeing him. I would really appreciate your advice!

All the best,

Bob

Well, I would do nothing. I wouldn’t call her. I wouldn’t text her. I wouldn’t do anything. More than likely, if things go well with the ex, then she’ll cancel your rescheduled date as well. And if she cancelled that, that’s two cancelled dates. And then I would just say, “look, it’s pretty clear you’re getting back together with your ex, and you haven’t been honest, even though we were supposed to be exclusive. So you’re being disloyal to me, and I don’t appreciate that. So I’m going to assume you’ve gotten back together with him, and I’m going to start dating other women.

And I wish you all the best. You’re welcome in the future to reach out if it doesn’t work out and if I’m available, then maybe we can go on a date. But your behavior. I’m really disappointed in the way you’ve treated me, and you haven’t been honest and forthcoming. And this just doesn’t work for me. You’re expecting me to just sit with my thumb up my ass while you go and give your ex a chance? I don’t think so. That’s what it looks like.” And again, I mean to be exclusive with a girl, and then to have your girlfriend tell you that she’s pretending to give her ex-boyfriend another chance.

So that means she’s talking to him. She’s texting with him. She’s trying to lead him on. What she’s really doing is trying to see if he really does want her back. Or maybe he just wants a booty call. And if it’s just a booty call and he’s really not sincere, then she can just pick back things up with you and you’ll be none the wiser. Because you’re pretty gullible is what it looks like. But like I said, we just bottom line her actions, she put you on hold and and she put your relationship in time out, while she goes and sees what this guy really wants, if he’s really serious or not.

You spent all his time doing long distance, countless hours chit chatting on the phone. You went to see her for a week. She comes back in town. She should be dying to see you. But you made the mistake of spending several hours on the phone FaceTiming her so she knows you’re wrapped around her finger. And that’s why she broke the date with you.

Because she’s going to spend time with him. That’s what it looks like. So the bottom line is she’s canceling dates with you. You’re her supposed boyfriend, who she supposedly cares about. And so with the amount of time you spent with her, there’s a lack of intimacy. And there’s a lack of closeness between the two of you.

And if you really were exclusive, but yet you only saw each other twice a week. She’s not that in love with you. She’s probably likes you a lot, but you’ve been more focused on your interest in her, and you haven’t really been paying attention to the fact that she’s been kind of distant and cold. She’s just not reciprocating. So I would see where it’s at. I wouldn’t call her. I wouldn’t text her at all. I’d let her do 100% of the calling, texting, pursuing, especially the fact that you’re this far down the road and you’re still doing 30% of the pursuing it, you should be doing no more than 5% of the pursuing.

And if you can get away with it, 100% of it. But again, you’re not following what’s in The Book. You’re cherry picking what’s in The Book because you really like the girl, and you’re blinded by your interest. You can’t tell that you’re violating the principles because you bullshit yourself and you’ve been bullshitting us in your email. So. But like I said, I can look at the actions here. It’s pretty clear what’s going on, and I’m sure the viewer is going to see it and go, oh yeah, that’s definitely what’s going on. It’s not a good situation, but this is what happens when you don’t follow what’s in The Book.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.