Her Feelings Aren’t Where They Should Be?

What to do if she’s unsure of her feelings towards you & is backing away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who had two good dates with a woman he met on Bumble. On their third date she showed up tired, distracted and less engaged. The date still went well. However, when he reached out to make a fourth date she told him her feelings weren’t where she thought they should be. He told her to get in touch if she changed her mind.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy had what he thought were good dates with a woman he met on Bumble. I think even on the first one she says it’s one of the best dates she’s had in a long time. So he has schedules their third date, and I guess she had just gone on a family trip or something like that. When she shows up, she’s yawning, she’s tired, she’s distracted. Just clearly not as engaged as she was before. He was thinking, “Oh, maybe she’s probably just jet lagged from her trip,” but something was definitely off. He had two good dates and then now the third one her attitude is completely different. So then he tried to set the fourth date up. She basically said that her feelings were not where they should be. In other words, “I should like you more than I do,” and she wasn’t sure if she liked him enough or wanted to see him enough. So he did the takeaway, told her to get in touch if she changed her mind.

So he wrote his email about what happened and he’s like, “Did I screw up? Did I do anything wrong?” Sometimes a woman’s just going to be in a different headspace. Maybe she went on her trip, met Chad Thundercock on the trip, hung out, had fun, hooked up. Maybe there was another guy she was talking to and also starting to see around the same time. Maybe she had a third or fourth date with that guy and things went great, so she’s starting to think that the other guy is the right guy for her, because again, it’s all based on her feelings. So she decides to back away from this dude because as you’ll see, it looks like he had two good first dates. Sometimes these things are going to happen. You just don’t really know what’s going on with the girl. The only thing you can do is control the controllables, which is how you show up. Even then, that might not be enough, so you can’t get butt-hurt over it. You just gotta charge it to the game.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach!

Hope you are doing well. Long-time follower and member here, would appreciate any critique of my experience you can provide!

I met this girl, Jessica, on Bumble and we immediately hit it off. She was sexy, smart, athletic and driven and seven years younger than me. Despite the age, we found out that we shared many of the same TV show and music interests among other things. The first date was great, she did the majority of the talking and I took her to two different spots…

Well, as the book says, you go to three spots. The third spot is the place that is good for facilitating physical touching and interacting, meaning throwing darts, playing pool, bowling, Top Golf, that kind of thing. If you’re going to only go to two places, Top Golf would be the second place that you could go because you can eat there, you can drink there, and you can hit golf balls and physically interact, especially when you’re teaching her how to swing the golf club.

So the idea is the third place, because typically it takes four to five hours on average to seduce or to get the average woman to the point where she’s open to being seduced. So when you’re at that fourth or third place, like in this case, let’s just imagine they’re at Top Golf, now he can physically interact with her. Makes it easy for her to touch him. He can slowly reciprocate. They can make out. Making out leads to heavy petting, which leads to, “Hey, let’s get go back to my place and open a bottle of wine,” doing the trial close from the book to see how open she is to it.

So he says the first date went great. She did majority of the talking, and here’s the kicker:

…And at one point she even said, “This is one of the best dates I’ve been on in a long time.”

So at least at that moment in time, things are going great.

We kissed at the end of the date and she texted me thank you when she got home. I waited til the next week, texted her and she was talkative, sharing pictures and was excited to go out again. 

Our second date went just as well. She got dressed up in a tasteful but revealing dress that showed her figure off, and she seemed really into it. She was doing almost 90% of the talking. We ended up going to three more places that night and she grabbed my hand and put it on her thigh and kissed me at the bar as well. I did suggested we go back and have some wine at my place but she suggested another bar, so we got a nightcap and she kept up the physical touch and even said to me, “I know I am not supposed to admit this, but I really like you.” I offered going back again and she said she had to get up early for work, so we kissed again before parting ways for the night. She texted me the next day about having a great time, and some pictures from the work event she was setting up that morning. I waited til the weekend since she didn’t explicitly ask me to go out again…

Well, you don’t have to wait for her to ask you out. This is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times, because you said something that you thought was in the book or was worded that way in the book, and it’s obviously not. This is why I say you gotta read the book 10 to 15 times. So she’s reaching out the next day to tell you what a good time she had. You could say, “Well, let’s keep the good times rolling. What’s your schedule like this week? I want to see you again,” and then make the next date.

That’s what I would have personally done, because it’s the very next day, she’s telling you what a good time she had. If she texted you that night, “Hey, I had a great time tonight,” I wouldn’t try to set up a date, but when it’s the next day and she’s reaching out, she’s reaching out to you, it’s her idea. If you were really frisky and all over each other, but she was tired of wanting to go home, then I would be trying to arrange the next date. I wouldn’t wait till the weekend or whatever.

…And this seemed like a continuation of the thank you for the nice evening text.

Again, I would have done it a little differently. It’s not the end of the world.

On our third date, she showed up and seemed very tired, yawning and seeming to struggle to keep her eyes open.

Probably. Maybe she had a good date the night before with another guy and she got her back blown out. That might have been what the issue was.

She had a family trip she got back from two days prior, and really seemed to be jet lagged.

So there’s some time, how long was the trip? Was there a couple of weeks in between going out? It sounds like there’s a little bit missing from the story. It wasn’t like one week, the second week, the third week. It was like they had two dates and some period of time passed, but if she got back two days earlier and she’s yawning, well she’s probably up all night partying with somebody else, and because we know how things go by the end of the email, there may have been another guy and things went really well and she hooked up with him just because maybe it was timing, maybe this guy because he put off the date, I mean, it could have been something as simple as that. He’s thinking, “Alright, I’ll just wait till she gets back from her trip and then try to set a date.” The only way you’re going to be jet lagged is if you spend like a week or two in a different time zone, a significantly different time zone.

So maybe three or four weeks went by before he saw her for their fourth date or their third date in this case, but something’s clearly different. She shows up with a completely different attitude than the second date. So we know there’s some time that elapsed, but he doesn’t elaborate. If she went on a trip, what is it? Probably a week or two that he didn’t see her or whatever, but she’s texting you the next day telling you what a great time she had. She’s super excited. You guys are all over each other. She’s the one reaching out to you.

As the book says, make the next date, but he decided he wanted to wait a few more days, which he did. Again, there was a family trip, so maybe he set a date like two weeks out in the future or something like that. Bottom line is, something happened with her that changed. So it’d be understandable if she got back like the previous day, but she’d been back a couple of days.

So more than likely it’s because she was up late and maybe she was up with a different guy and he just happened to slide in there before you because the logistics worked out that way, because if you’d have gone on that third date that same week when she reached out to you after your second date, you might have been bumping uglies and things might have turned out differently, but because she hooked up with somebody else, it also could have been an old boyfriend. I mean, sometimes that’s just the way it goes. That’s just timing. It’s like, if you just set a date earlier, it may have been different. She might have been blowing the other guy off, we just don’t know, but something clearly changed.

Conversation still flowed pretty well, but she was not on her A-game by any means. She also asked me more questions about myself, what I do for work, etc., which I gave short and sometimes playful responses to which she laughed at and I redirected the questions back to her.

It definitely sounds like she’s trying to find out more about him. So she’s in like qualification mode, probably comparing him to another guy. If I’m a betting man, that’s probably what’s going on. It looks like she went out the night before their date and was up all night getting her back blown out, more than likely, because that’s the only thing that would make make sense, unless he’s leaving something out. Maybe it was a month before they got back together and they had two good first dates, but he didn’t see her for a whole month, so she could have met somebody in the trip. I mean, who knows?

We went to another spot after dinner and had drinks and she seemed to be warming up again, but when I suggested we go play darts at a bar nearby she initially said yes and then a few minutes later after telling me about how she liked that bar and darts, she said she actually thought she was just too tired to go and should call it a night. Looking back I really don’t see anything glaring that I could have done wrong, but I did feel that she was a little off that night and maybe it threw me off a bit, too. 

OK, so now he admits that his behavior was a little different because he was probably shocked because it looked like everything’s progressing and then now it’s a complete reversal on the third date.

So if you go out with a woman and she’s like that, she’s tired, she’s cutting the date short, I’m going to probably wait two weeks just to see if she reaches out, because you had two good first dates and now the third date she shows up and she’s not on her A-game, she’s tired, she’s cutting the date short. That’s not a good sign. You don’t reward that behavior with more of your attention four days later.

In that case, because her attitude is different and her effort is different, I would be wanting to make a date with somebody else in the meantime, and just give it a full two weeks to see if she reaches out to you, or her attitude changes because she’s on probation too. You’re trying to see if she’s somebody that’s worth your time. So when she shows up to a date, tired, yawning and not really excited, her mind’s somewhere else, and then she cuts the date short, I’m not going to reward that with trying to see her again really quickly, but you can tell the guy was a, by this point, a little focused on his interest in her.

I waited about four days to text her and when I did she was responsive but then said, “I’ve been debating my feelings after our last date and am trying to know if we are a good fit for each other. I know this is a pretty big swing but I think you are great and I don’t want to be honest that I’ve been mulling it over for the past few days.” 

So in other words, something definitely changed in the third date. It wasn’t the same vibe. So that’s an indication of how she felt. Remember what he said was, “Maybe I was off as well,” just because of her behavior. So maybe he wasn’t on his A-game because she didn’t seem to be that excited. It’s hard to get excited about a girl you’re on a date with when she’s home and she’s looking around, she’s not really engaged. You’re thinking, “Man, I’m wasting my time with this idiot.” That’s what you’re gonna be thinking.

I responded, “I appreciate the directness, and if you are debating it then it sounds like you aren’t sure. Why don’t we get together again and see how it goes?” She responded, “I’m not sure my feelings are where they should be. Our first two dates were amazing, but my feelings sort of plateaued after the third. I had a lot of fun with you, and I just want to be as communicative as possible.” 

I would say, “Well yeah, we did have two first dates, but quite frankly, the last date you were tired, kind of out of it and you weren’t really present. So I definitely noticed your behavior was different in the second date. I want to go out with you again, but only if you’re super excited to see me. If you’re not sure, why don’t you take some time, see how you feel about it over the coming days or week or two? And when you start missing me, hit me up and we can arrange another date.”

Again, you’re getting a lack of enthusiasm here. So that’s when you’re going to do the takeaway, or you could just come right out and said, “Yeah, the first two dates I had a lot of fun with you. The third date, quite frankly, you’re kind of bored and out of it, tired, yawning, and you just weren’t making much of an effort. I want to go out and have a good time. So yeah, you definitely didn’t bring your A-game last time, honey.” So you flip it around and turn it on her.

Again, if she’s showing up tired like that, I suspect she went out the night before, probably was with another guy and got her back blown out, and that’s why she was all thinking about the other guy while she’s on her third date with you. That’s what it looks like, if I’m a betting man. That’s what I put my money on.

So I told her that if her feelings change to reach out, to which she said, “I definitely will!”

Is there anything glaring that I could do to fine-tune my approach?

I mean honestly, it sounds like everything was good other than something was off with planning that third date and she had a family trip. So maybe there was a lot of time that elapsed there that you didn’t really mention in your email.

I imagine there could be another guy in the picture…

That’s what I would have to assume it is.

…Or maybe there was something subtle that I didn’t realize on the third date, but it has me scratching my head as to how her feelings did a 180 when she seemed so into me. Appreciate any insights!

Bob

Well, I would say if I were a betting man, there was another guy in the picture just because of her attitude and her demeanor, as you said, it threw you off a little bit because you were not expecting it. You were expecting to go on a third date and it to be even better than the first two dates. Instead, it went completely south because she was kind of mentally and emotionally checked out and physically checked out because she was tired.

If you’re on a date and a girl is yawning and it’s like, “You seem really tired and you’re just kind of not as talkative as you have been in the past. You haven’t brought your A-game tonight, honey,” and she’s like, “I’m really tired. I was up late.” It’s like, “Well, if you’re really tired, why don’t I just take you home? You can get some rest and then call me when you’re refreshed and we can go out again.” Don’t be afraid to do the takeaway with a girl that’s showing up half-assing it like this, because when you’re focused on your interests in her, you’ll ignore the fact that she’s not really making much of an effort and her interest is definitely low. Like I said, another guy in the picture could have happened on the trip, but it really looks like she was up the night before probably with somebody else. If I’m a betting man, it’s probably what it was.

So now you’re in no-contact unless her feelings change. I would say if there’s a at least a 50/50 shot, she’s going to reach out in the future. If she does, then you can make the next date. Especially if things go sideways with the other guy, she’ll definitely be in touch then. So it’s not the end of the world, but if you do end up on a date with her and that last date comes up, just say, “Yeah, you weren’t on your A-game. You were kind of boring, tired and kind of checked out. Looked like you’ve been up partying the night before. If I’m going to take my time to take a girl out, I want her to go to bed early the night before, be excited and refreshed on her date. Not showing up, dragging ass. It’s like, I showed up my A-game. You look like you need your blankie, a sleeping bag and a pill last time.”

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description this video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “coaching” tab when you get there or the “plans” tab, I should say. When you get there, and you can sign up for a 7-day free trial to check out what content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.