Her Parents Don’t Approve Of Our Relationship Because I’m White. What Can I Do?

What you can do if her parents don’t approve of your relationship because of race or religion.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for about three years. He is white and she is Asian. Her parents are very strict and extremely religious. They were only made aware of their relationship this past year. They don’t approve because he is white and it will bring shame to their family.

Now she is acting distant because her parents are adamant that they shouldn’t be together. They have told her to choose them or him. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email, this guy is a white guy and he says he’s dating an Asian girl who’s extremely religious. Back in the day, Asians to us always was somebody from China or Japan, so I have to assume that they’re probably Arab maybe, or from the Middle East Muslim, I would guess, because her parents are super religious.

So they’ve been dating three years, and for their first two years they completely hid their relationship from their parents because, quite frankly, she knew mom and dad probably weren’t going to approve, but now that mom and dad have been made aware, they’re like, “Absolutely not! It’s embarrassing for our family. How dare you date a white guy?” They’re at the point now where the parents have kind of given the daughter an ultimatum, telling her, “It’s us and the family, or your white boyfriend. Choose one or the other.” She’s been becoming distant, so he’s like, “What do I do?”

As I talk about in the book 3% Man, I mean, this is an unfortunate situation, but these things are going to happen. I was talking about this particular subject last week with the girls in one of our podcasts, and we were talking about Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin was like the original movie star, he was world famous. I think it was like 55, 56, and very famous actor. He’s doing real well and he meets this Swedish actress who’s 17 going on 18. She was smitten with him, he was smitten with her. She was 17 when they first met. When she turned 18, they started dating because she was introduced to him because she was an aspiring actress, so they started dating. Then when she turned 18, they got married. I think her father or Switzerland or Sweden, I can’t remember. Her father did not approve at all and he basically disowned her. He’s like, “Hey, if I’m not supporting this relationship or your family, if you’re going to marry this Charlie Chaplin dude, I don’t approve and we’re disowning you.” So basically, she got disowned by her family, and her and Charlie lived happily ever after. They had six or eight kids, and he lived until he was, I think 88.

So he was like 56. They were together about 32 years. She’s 18 when they get married. Then she only lived about, I think it was 14 or 15 years after he did. She died of pancreatic cancer, I think, when she was in her early 60s. They had a beautiful family, they loved one another from all accounts and reports and doted on one another and lived happily ever after the rest of their lives. In that case, that was an age gap where mom and dad are like, “Screw you.” Why would I bring that up? It’s because attraction level cuts through everything. She loved Charlie Chaplin, and she was willing to disown her family to be with the man she loved and they lived together happily ever after. I mean, she was gorgeous, I can understand why he married her. It worked for them. So attraction level cuts through everything. If your girl’s head over heels in love with you, it’s not going to really matter. Women will leave their family, they’ll leave their religion, they’ll leave their country, they’ll even leave their kids behind if they’re head over heels in love with a guy enough to where they’re like, “I can’t live without him.”

With that in mind, let’s see what’s going on with this guy’s situation, because in this particular case, the parents are adamant. They’re like, “No way. You can’t be with a white guy.”

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

First off, I cannot thank you for how much you’ve helped me develop as a man over the last 10 years! I can confidently say you have had one of the biggest positive influences on my life and I can speak for many others who feel the same! Thank you for all that you’ve done and continue to do for men and women out there!

Thank you for the kind words. Thanks for sticking around for a decade or more. I appreciate that!

I’m currently in a three year relationship. She’s from an Asian family and I am Caucasian.

Again, when I was growing up, Asian meant Oriental, but nowadays that has been changed, typically because of people in the West, who now label everybody as Asian, because they’re trying to cover up for the fact that certain people become terrorists. So in order to be politically correct, they use labels that don’t really make sense to obscure why certain people always seem to be committing acts of terror.

There’s a great clip by the the foreign minister of Dubai, and this is going back from 2017. I’ve used the clip and one of our Members Only videos that we talked about that the paying members can watch, on the Israeli Hamas war. So he was speaking in Arabic and then he starts speaking in English, and the translator is like, “Oh, I can translate.” He says, “No, no, no. I want to make sure my words get through.” He says, “There’s going to come a day where there’s going to be more terrorists coming out of Europe than the Middle East because of political correctness and the unwillingness of the politicians to call out the problem for what it is.”

So when you listen to the foreign minister of Saudi Arabia and they talk about the radical Islamic preachers that travel all over the world in the West, preaching the jihad and trying to radicalize people in Western societies, the foreign minister of Saudi Arabia is like, “You can’t preach that crap in Armagh.” If they got an Islamic preacher going around preaching the jihad and trying to turn their youth to terrorism, it’s like they don’t allow it. They’ll throw that guy in jail or off with their head if they don’t stop. Yet in the West, because of political correctness, these people go from mosque to mosque and they travel all over the West. There was one just here recently in Miami preaching the jihad.

I know that’s a little tangent that I got off on, but like I said, the Asian I assume he’s talking about, he’s dating a girl who is Muslim. I have a lot of Muslim clients, and we talk about this often on our phone sessions and they don’t like it either, because it gives Islam a bad name because the fact that these hate preachers only focus on the Muslim Brotherhood, the Ikhwan version of Islam, which are the strictest verses. Even Prince Mohammad bin Salman, who is going to be the the future king of Saudi Arabia, he’s like, “We’re not going to waste the next 30 years of our life debating these extremist ideas.”

So he’s really loosened things up and done away with the hisba, the religious police, girls are not required to wear the veil or the hijab in public, even though their families demand it, it’s no longer required to the state, women are allowed to drive now. He’s like, “We want to go back to the moderate Islam from the 1970s and earlier. We want to get away from this Muslim Brotherhood Ikhwan nonsense that’s been spread all over the world in the West.” So it’s a real problem in Western societies, because you’ve got a lot of people that are becoming radicalized. When you look at what happened in Europe and ISIS, more Muslims from Europe joined ISIS than joined the British military, because they got so many hate preachers preaching the jihad. They just let them run amuck there, and they’re too afraid to speak up or say anything about it. It’s unfortunate. It’s something we have to deal with in the world, and it sucks, because you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about it.

She comes from a very strict family who are extremely religious and cultural. This has always caused minor complications within her life and our relationship, as she ultimately lives at home still and answers to her parents. Our relationship was kept from her parents for two years…

I see this a lot too, my clients that are that are Muslim, because they’re very strict and they don’t want their daughters mingling with men who are not male relatives. So they got to kind of be like James Bond, kind of sneaking around to meet up and to date and to vet, so it can be really sticky and really messy. I help my clients kind of navigate those issues in my phone sessions. I have a lot of compassion and empathy for people in this situation.

…Due to cultural reasons and fear of extreme backlash as it’s not generally acceptable within her culture. Throughout the years, we’ve had the most amazing relationship together. She is truly an amazing human and things are always so effortless with her and I. The problem is how her family views these matters. Extreme guilt tripping, pressure, unrealistic expectations and a, “Never good enough” attitude towards her.

I see this a lot. You see the same things with Christian families where they’re just ultra religious, ultra into their Bible, and what ends up happening is they don’t really have a relationship with their kids. The kids up end up having to sneak around because mom and dad don’t approve. Again, I see this all over the world. I’m not a big fan of organized religion. I’m spiritual, not religious.

This I must admit adds a lot of uneasiness to our relationship. Recently, she told her parents about me as our relationship was progressing to a more serious and serious state where we had discussed marriage, family, and a life together. We both agreed that it was time we involve her parents and continue to progress our relationship. Her parents reacted in a very negative way, and to not get into it too deeply, she was basically told that it is unacceptable, will bring great shame, embarrassment and judgement to her parents and family from their community, friends and relatives, and that they don’t want to have a “White guy” in the family.

It’s the way it is. Some Latin families are like that too. They don’t want any gringos. “No gringo for you!”

She was then told extensively about how poorly our relationship would go long term and how complicated things would be.

I would say, have you met the parents? Are they willing to meet you? I mean, what do you do if the parents are like, “I don’t want to meet the guy?” What do you do in that situation? What if they’re openly hostile towards you? In some countries though, you have to be really careful because they take this shit seriously. If you’re in like Pakistan or some of these other, the family will actually come after you. The brothers and the uncles will actually come after you to do harm to you. So I don’t know how bad things are where you are or what country you’re in, I suspect maybe United Arab Emirates, maybe Dubai, somewhere like that? I’m not sure. He didn’t say.

If the family is the type that honor killings are a thing, I would steer clear of that dude. It’s quite common. You’ll have a family where the daughter gets together, falls in love with a guy, maybe he’s of a different faith, or he’s of the same faith, or maybe a different sect of that faith, and the family doesn’t approve, they take out the bride and the groom, even after they’ve been married. They hunt them down. That happens in Pakistan quite a bit.

The conversation ended with them saying that “This won’t be happening.” Needless to say, she was extremely hurt by the reaction, but as a lot of us do, our parents approval, love and support (Something she historically hasn’t gotten much of) and now feels extremely hurt, sad and depressed by the whole situation. Ever since she told her parents and they reacted that way, I’ve noticed her become less involved in our relationship, messaging and calling less, making plans less, being more quiet and reserved and showing a decrease in affection, sexual attraction and general excitement in our relationship.

The only thing you can really do, my man, is to be the best boyfriend that you can be. If she’s going to side with her parents, then let her go. Especially if the parents are the type that are going to threaten you physically, because depending on what country you’re in, it is dangerous to your life and your health to be involved with certain women. They take it very personally and they’re not flexible. If you’re not in a place like that, then basically her parents are going to disown her, and the two of you are going to have to run off and live happily ever after.

Like I said, Charlie Chaplin, his wife’s parents completely disowned her. I didn’t read anything that maybe in later years, they reconciled, I don’t think she ever reconciled with her father after that, because he just did not approve because of the age gap. He was 56, she was 19, so that’s a pretty big, big age gap, but in the big scheme of things, she only lived 14 years after he died. She died in her 60s, he was almost 90. They lived happily ever after. They had a beautiful family together, had lots of kids. So how is that not a great life lived?

It’s not that we don’t do things together as she just planned a surprise date night for next week, but I can’t help but feel weird about how this has transpired, and it’s ultimately opened my eyes to a few things. I know that she’s ultimately been told by her parents to choose me or them, and the once amazing, fun, beautiful relationship we had for several years has come to grow slightly cold in light of her family discussion about us. I’d like your opinion as to how to move forward with the matter in a respectful manner, without pressing her in this extremely uncomfortable time she’s in.

Well, the only thing you really have control over is being the best boyfriend that you can be. I would not pressure her, just love her, because love is allowing. Maybe she ends up choosing you over her family if her love is deep enough, but I promise you, if you start pressing her, chasing her and trying to force her to make a decision and then you start over-pursuing, she’ll choose the family.

You have to behave exactly the same way that you behaved before all this came to light and mom and dad said, “No way,” because at the end of the day, she’s still planning a special date night for the two of you. Maybe she can ask her parents, “Can you at least meet the guy and talk to him?” Sometimes if you convert to their religion, they’re cool as long as you convert to their religion. Maybe you have different religious or spiritual values, I don’t know. That’s something that you have to determine, how much are you willing to compromise? How much are you willing to sacrifice in your life?

Is this something that I need to be patient with for her to work through these challenges, or is this an indication that we might not have the amazing relationship we once had, and when push comes to shove, she’ll choose “Not disappointing” her family over being with someone she loves?

Once again, thank you Coach for all that you do!

All the best,

Bob

Well, if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s going to choose you. That’s the bottom line. That’s why you can’t pressure her. You got to say, “Baby, I love you no matter what. If it’s really that important to you and you would be willing to let our love story go because you don’t want to disappoint your parents who, quite frankly, don’t really seem to care too much about you having their favor anyways, because it seems like no matter what you do, they’re not in favor or they’re not proud of you, I support you either way,” and see what happens. You got to let the chips fall where they may. She may choose to stay with you, she may choose to go back, but again, you can’t pressure her without knowing more specifics on it.

I’ve dealt with a lot of this over the years with clients of mine, because the other thing you have to consider, “What if you have children?” Well, if her parents disowned her, the kids aren’t going to be involved in their lives, or they’re not going to be involved in the grandkids’ lives. So what about that consequence?

Like I said, if it’s the type of situation where you’re being threatened by your family, I would dip and say, “See you later.” I wouldn’t get involved. No girl is worth that. Unless you’re going to literally go to a different country and change your name and hide out and they’ll never find you. Sometimes what they do is when they leave, they try to lure the girl back after many years. “Oh no, it’s all water under the bridge. Just come back. Let’s all be one happy family.” The girl goes back, then the family is just lying to her to do an honor killing, because they brought shame in the family. Those things happen, and you have to think about it.

Again, your safety first and foremost has to be number one. As long as your safety is not threatened, then I would proceed and let the chips fall where they may. You got to continue to be the same boyfriend that you were before the parents knew that you existed. I mean, you basically have been James Bond for the last three years that you guys been dating anyways until they just found out. Like I said, maybe you can meet the family, maybe they’re open to that, or maybe they’re just, “No way. No white guys in our family.” It’s not a lot you can do. I mean, those those things have happened all throughout history. Like I said, if you’re in a country where the family would literally threaten you and actually would act upon that, then it’s not worth it in my opinion. Your life is more important, and you can find somebody else that will love you. With enough time, you’ll find a good girl who has the same goals and values.

This is a sticky situation because one of the main reasons, when you look at divorces and long term relationships don’t work out, is their values conflict. In other words, their spiritual and their religious values conflict. So if you guys have kids together, how are you going to raise them? What spiritual tradition are you going to raise the children in and are you going to be involved? Or maybe just the parents are the ones that don’t approve. Maybe she’s got aunts and uncles that are more laid back and they don’t give a shit. So who’s going to be involved in your kid’s life? You have to figure these things out and you have to answer those questions. That’s just not something I can do, because again, I don’t know all the specifics on it. So I have compassion and I have empathy for you and what you’re going through. It sucks, but you got some choices and some decisions to make. Give your girlfriend the space to choose you or to choose her family. Either way, love is allowing. You’ll love her regardless. If she chooses her family, wish her the best, and then move on with your life and go find somebody who shares your goals and values.

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