Dear Corey: I have been together with my fiancé for the past 3 years. We have been engaged for the past year. Things have not been going like they used to.We are supposed to get married this summer and we have been fighting a lot. She has been telling me that we probably should not get married since we don’t get along. The first two years we were together we had sex twice a day. Now if we have sex once every two weeks that’s a lot. She is very cold and bitchy all the time and we argue a lot. She complains that things are not like you used to be and that I have changed. I really have some doubts about getting married with things being like this. What should I do? Tom, Providence RI
Here’s my response to Tom:
Hi Tom: Thanks for your question. Believe it or not you have a very common problem. Many guys run into trouble after being together with their ladies after a few years. They may be great at getting into a relationship but maintaining it is where the real challenge lies.
Well let’s look at the actions of your fiancée:
Number #1: She is cold and distant and not very affectionate.
This tells me she has shut down to you. She has put a barrier in your way that she wants you to break thru. When a woman does not feel you really love and adore her, she puts a barrier in your way.
This is a test. She is testing your strength and presence. She wants to see if you really do love her. Despite any assurances you might be giving her she does not feel you mean it. She is testing to see if you really do. All women test.
Number #2: She has been talking about ending the relationship.
If she was completely done with you she would have ended the relationship. Women usually do the breaking up 70-80% of the time. She is telling you she is not happy and wants to be loved and adored.
If you don’t start loving her and adoring her she will leave you, or you will end the relationship when you can no longer take it.
Now, I want you to do something. Look in the mirror. Hold out your hand, and smack yourself in the face until it hurts.
Arguing with a woman is the absolute most futile thing a man can do. You will never ever win an argument with a woman. Why? She is coming from an emotional place and you are coming from a rational place.
It’s like a NASA engineer trying to explain how the space shuttle works to someone who only speaks French. When a woman argues with you she is trying to get you to acknowledge her feminine heart and her feelings. The more you try to win your point rationally the more upset she will get and the more she will feel you don’t love her.
Number #4: She complains that things are not like they used to be.
In other words you are not doing the things you used to do that she really liked. You are not loving her and giving her the strong masculine presence like you used to. She needs that from you ALL OF THE TIME.
Number #5: She says you have changed.
What she means is you don’t treat her like you used to. You are not courting her like you used to.
The bottom line is this. If you are going to be in a long term relationship with a woman, then you must understand that the courtship never ends. Never means never.
You will always date your lady. If you don’t some other guy will. It’s the facts of life. Once a woman is in a long term relationship with you she wants more and more of you. She wants more and more of your love and presence.
If you end this relationship you will encounter this exact same problem with the next woman. I guarantee it. It is obvious to me you two must have had something special. Your lady is just screaming for you to start dating and courting her again. She is a trooper for hanging in there.
Make a definite date with her. Take her someplace that is nice and quite where the two of you can talk. Let her do 80% of the talking. Tell her how you are sorry for not loving her and doing all the things that you used to. Just listen to her and ask questions even when you don’t like the answers. Just let her get it all out. Say to her “tell me more” “don’t leave anything out” “what else” “how did that make you feel?”
You must treat her just like you did when you first started dating. Refer back to the 10 disciplines of love located in the back of my book 3% Man.
Take her on a date once a week. Be mysterious. Don’t tell her where you two are going to go. Just tell her it’s a surprise and you have planned another special evening for her.
You keep doing that and she will start saying “I can’t wait until we get married!”
“We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about.” ~ Charles Kingsley
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur