Hooked Up With A Coworker But Now She’s Distant. What Should I Do?

Some things to consider if you hooked up with a co-worker but now she’s distant.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who hooked up with a co-worker. She has been distant since then. Even her texts have dropped off. He seems to be waiting for her to reach out to him and is unsure of what to do next.

He’s clearly concerned about her pullback and is indecisive about what to do next. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, something to consider before we even really get into it, if you’ve been dating a girl for a bit, you’ve been on a couple dates, maybe a first date, and the girl really seems to be into you, then you hook up, you have sex and she just completely disappears after and it happens with other girls, I would have to assume either you have really bad breath or you’re terrible in bed.

So I’ve actually got a video that’s going to be for tomorrow’s Members Only on how to be better in the bedroom. I’m going to go through and give a bunch of simple tips because this particular guy from tomorrow’s video newsletter, he’s 19, he’s done really great with my books that he read it 15 times and he says everything’s great outside the bedroom. So there’s a video in the book titled, How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms. This guy supposedly follows everything to a T, even though that’s in there, I don’t think he actually watched the video, because if he did, he shouldn’t be having these kinds of problems. So his experience is every time girls are really into him, as soon as he sleeps them, they just like want nothing to do with him, and he admits that he doesn’t last for very long. That’s one of the reasons why I put, How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms, I put the video referenced in the book so guys that have that issue, they can look it up, they can do the technique, practice it, and they won’t have that issue anymore. So I suspect there might be a little bit of that going on in here, he just may have made some mistakes, or maybe he’s overreacting. We don’t really know.

If you’re continually sleeping with women and they don’t want to talk to you after you’ve had sex, even though they were really into you before that, maybe you had three or four great dates, and then as soon as you had sex, her attitude completely changed, she wanted nothing to do with you, you have to assume you were terrible in the bedroom. So I want to get that out of the way before we get into it.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I wanted to send a brief follow-up to my earlier email because the situation progressed significantly, and I’d really value your guidance on how to handle the current phase correctly.

So this guy was trying to see or was dating a girl in the office. So he finally hooked up with her, but after they hooked up, now she’s kind of distant. That’s why I was saying, because we’ve talked about this a lot in the podcast, we see this in the live streams that we do on Thursdays, is that guys are asking this question and it’s like I got all the girls there and they’re pretty blunt and pretty brutally honest with the guys. It’s like, when you have sex with a girl and she just completely blows you off after that, it’s usually you were terrible in bed because if it was good dick, even if they didn’t like you that much, they’ll come back for a second helping.

We went on a couple of great dates recently, one of which led to spending almost 24 hours together and having sex. The connection felt strong emotionally and physically, and she was affectionate, playful, and engaged. However, she also mentioned she doesn’t want to label anything right now and isn’t sure how far she wants to take this. I agreed and kept things light, calm, and non-pressuring.

Since then, I’ve noticed a subtle pullback from her side, less initiation, slightly more distance at work, and more neutral responses over text.

So that tells me you’re texting her, you’re engaging her, and you’re noticing that her texts are getting shorter, she’s using less words, she’s taking longer to reply, and ultimately she’s not engaging. In other words, it looks like there’s a lack of enthusiasm.

So as the book says, you want to match and mirror that. Maybe you over-communicated interest. Maybe at times when you were together, you acted a little dopey and now she’s a little worried that you’re going to get too attached and make things uncomfortable for her at work if she decides she doesn’t want to see you anymore. So that’s why you should let her be. If you don’t hear from her for a full week, as the book says, you reach out, send one text, try to set the next date. Pretty simple. If she’s a little distant at work, I mean, you got to think of yourself as like James Bond. If you’re James Bond, then nobody in the office should have any inkling that you’re banging any of the girls. You shouldn’t tell anybody anything, even your co-workers that you think you’re friends with, because they’re going to slip that shit out, especially if there’s a guy in there that also wants to hook up with the same girl. They will torch your ass.

So, as the old Indian proverb says, “If tribe not to know, keep mouth shut.” So the only way anybody at work will find out that you guys hooked up or smashed is because she tells somebody. Then if you get confronted, you just play stupid. It’s like, “What? Who told you that?” It’s like, “That’s silly. That’s an urban myth. It’s an urban legend. We even read the National Enquirer. It’s like, come on, don’t be silly.” Just never give a straight answer. It’s like, “That’s ridiculous. Even if I was, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. That’s just silly. You guys gotta come up with something better to do than gossip,” and then change the subject. Go about your business. Never give them a direct answer. Leave them wondering. Be vague and aloof because, quite frankly, it’s none of their fucking business, and you telling them is not going to help you, because if you hook or hooking up with one girl at work and there’s other girls that like you, it doesn’t work out with that girl, you never tell anybody, you’re always aloof and you deny, in other words, if you just act aloof and like you don’t know what they’re talking about, then you change the subject.

Girls like a guy that can keep his mouth shut. If they heard that you hooked up, but you’re kind of non-committal and almost like “What? Huh? This is news to me,” then that might help you get one of the other girls, because she realizes if she hooks up with you, it’ll be a secret and nobody will know. You can have a lot of fun if you can keep your mouth shut because again, women are the ones that usually can’t keep their mouths shut. Don’t brag to other dudes in the office that you finally bang so-and-so from accounting. Just don’t do it. It’s not going to help you. It can only hurt you, especially if it gets out.

I’m aware that after intimacy, women sometimes need space to process their emotions, and I’ve been consciously trying not to chase or over-pursue.

Well as the book says, you’re only going to initiate contact once per week. Now, I don’t remember the context of the previous email, but maybe there already was a pullback and she kind of became distant. So he backed off and then she re-engaged and they started going out on dates again. So if that’s the case, if you went no-contact, basically because she was cold, aloof and not really into seeing you, then in that case, I’d be letting her do all the reaching out and then just wait to hear from her and then make the next date when you do.

So what that means is if you were pursuing and pursuing before and you over-pursued and she blew you off, and then in the last email I told you to do nothing since she blew you off and just wait to hear from her and she re-engaged this time, then what should always be happening going forward is you got to let her do all the contact initiation, and then you just set a date when you hear from her. So if that’s the case, I would do nothing and wait until she reaches out, because if you go no-contact and a girl blows you off or has tried to friend-zone you, you tell her no, you’re only interested in friends with benefits, the least you do is friends with benefits, but you’re not interested in a platonic friendship. She comes back, she re-engages, you finally hook up. Then even after that, you don’t start pursuing her. You got to let her do all the reaching out. I just don’t remember all the context of the last email, and he didn’t put the title in here of it.

So just a little tidbit, because I know the situations vary and it can be touchy with being in the office. So just the fact that she’s distant over text tells me you’re probably talking and texting too much, so you need to be a little bit more scarcer, a little bit more aloof. You act like everything is fine. You’re happy-go-lucky, you chat with her if she wants to come chat to you. If you see her across the office and you make eye contact, you can smile, wave and then go about your business, because if she’s pulling back in the office, she’s worried about what other people are going to think, again if you’re being James Bond, like the book says, nobody should know anything. It can be a rumor, and that’s as far as it’ll go, and you won’t confirm or deny anything. You laugh at it and go, “That’s silly. Come on. Who told you that? Come on.”

That said, I’m questioning whether a few care-taking gestures (Checking in on her health, light teasing texts) may have shifted me slightly out of my centered masculine energy.

OK, so that it sounds like he’s sending texts unnecessarily because he’s like, “Oh, I have to be nicer to her. I have to be more caring.” Well, if she’s already backing away and then you try to be more caring and all it does is cause her to back away even more, then you misinterpreted it. So you shouldn’t be checking in on her health and light teasing. You fucked her once, so it’s like, dude, you’re not in a relationship.

So I believe, I’m not 100% sure because again, he didn’t reference the email, but I believe that what happened was he over-pursued the first time and she backed off. Then now that they’ve hooked up, again he’s over-pursuing a little bit, acting a little too dopey, acting a little too much like a boyfriend. So a woman in the office like that thinks, “Oh, this guy’s going to get clingy. He’s a stage five clinger. He’s going to be all over me. He’s going to cause problems at work. I don’t want to have to explain myself to the other girls at the office,” of why she’s sleeping with him, and that’s her attitude. So I would say, because typically a guy’s not going to get over the dopiness and the over-pursuing right away, they hooked up and he’s like, “Oh, now I’m good. I’m back in.” Then he goes right back to doing the same behavior that turned her off to begin with.

My question is: At this stage— Post-sex, mild pullback, no exclusivity— What is the best way to proceed?

Well again, if you had always been reaching out and everything’s fine, you didn’t have a pullback like I was explaining a few minutes ago, then just once a week you initiate contact. All these other things about checking on her health and trying to joke over text, again the book tells you not to do this shit. You’re not a comedian, and the more you try to be a comedian over text to somebody that doesn’t know you and doesn’t get your sense of humor, the more you’re likely to put your foot in your mouth and say something that turns her off, especially when she’s pulling back. If she’s pulling back, you match and mirror it because again, I suspect that you’ve over-communicated your interests and acted a little dopey, or it’s quite possible, like I said in the beginning, you were just terrible in bed, and she’s not that into it now.

Should I fully pull back and allow her to re-initiate, or is light, playful contact still appropriate as long as I’m not investing more than she is?

Again, the phone is for setting dates. It’s right out of the book and you’re thinking, “Oh, I think I can get her to like me more if I text her.” Your mindset is completely wrong, dude. This is why I say you gotta read the book 10 to 15 times. You’re missing subtle nuances by being a cherry-picker and half-assing in learning this stuff. So what you’re suffering from right now is the illusion of action, and you’re thinking you have to do more. So if she’s backing away, you should do less and match and mirror that.

I want to handle this with emotional self-control and strength, not fear of loss.

Well, you are driven by your fear of loss because, as you said, you want to, “Light playful contact still appropriate.” Again, if you’re using the phone for setting dates, you’re not doing light, playful contact. Light, playful contact tells me you’re trying to get to know her through text, and you’re trying to warm her up over that. Again the opposite of what the book teaches.

So I suspect that’s part of your problem, is you went right back to over-pursuing. Once she re-engaged, then you hooked up, you continued pursuing. Now she’s backing away and you’re thinking, “Well, if I pursue even more, I send more texts and tell her I care about her health, ‘How’s your health, honey?'” I don’t know why you’d be thinking about that. So it’d be helpful if you actually read the book and took this shit seriously instead of trying to cherry-pick.

For context, I’d estimate her interest level is around a six right now— She’s confident, independent, an aviation enthusiast, non-smoker, and aligns very closely with what I look for in a partner. I care about her…

Dude, you hooked up one time. Easy…

…But I also want to do what’s right as a man who respects himself and understands attraction dynamics.

Which, quite frankly, I don’t think you do. I don’t think you understand the attraction dynamics because you haven’t spent the time to learn the book and you haven’t practiced it enough. So you’re missing subtle nuances here. You’re over-communicating interests. You’re trying to be funny and cute through text and trying to get to know her through text. Again, that’s the exact opposite of what the book teaches.

So you’re not following what the book teaches, and her interest is going down. When her interest is going down, stop doing the things that are driving her interest down, which is over-communicating your interest in texting and trying to be a jokester through text. It doesn’t work. You’re turning her off. All you got to do is look at her actions and she’s becoming less interested. So I don’t think it’s an issue of you not communicating your interest. The problem is, you’ve communicated too much, just like the first email you sent.

Thanks again for everything you teach. Your work has genuinely helped me grow. I appreciate any insight you’re willing to share.

Best Regards,

Bob

So like I said, when she’s backing away like this, under normal circumstances, I would just wait to hear from her. When she does reach back out, make the next date and then get off the phone.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.