How to tell the difference between hookup girls vs. relationship & family oriented women.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 20-year-old viewer who has read 3% Man, 24 times over the span of five years. He lives in an apartment on his parents property and his grandmother lives above him in another apartment. His parents also have exchange students living with them. One of them is a really hot girl he has been hooking up with for the past 3-4 months.
He says he has acted dopey a few times and made some other mistakes that have turned her off, but she is dating two other guys and he is way too concerned about exclusivity with a girl who is obviously better suited to be a hookup girl instead of a good woman to have a relationship with. He worries that he has been too much of a cold fish, but he doesn’t realize the girl doesn’t share the same goals, values and romantic interest as him.
My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I got an interesting email. This guy is really young but he’s been following me for quite a few years. Obviously, he started following me back when he was in high school. He says he’s read 3% Man 24 times over the span of five years.
He’s got an interesting living situation. So he lives on his family’s property, I guess he lives in an apartment. His grandmother lives in the apartment above him. I guess maybe in the main house, his parents live with a bunch of exchange students. So I assume they’re they got a lot of rental income there as a family. One of these exchange students is really hot, and he admits that he’s gotten a little dopey and made some mistakes that have turned her off, but he’s been dating her. They’ve been hooking up, I should say, for probably about two or three months, I guess now or three or four months.
Grandma doesn’t know what’s going on, we assume, but that’s what he thinks. He doesn’t think grandma knows because she’s really religious. So I guess when grandma’s not around, when the girl comes over and they get busy, he’s obviously thinking he wants to be exclusive at this point, but there is another guy that she was dating prior to when he started hooking up with her, and I guess she’s still seeing that guy.
On top of that, there’s another new guy. So you can tell this guy is focused on locking her down to a commitment and kind of ignoring some of the fundamentals, because when you’re dating somebody you really like, you’re really hot, you’re into them, your emotions override all logic and reason, especially when you’re 20 years old and you don’t have a lot of life experience with these things.
There are some good points that come up because of this, because it brings up the topic of what types of girls are just hook up girls, friends with benefits, fuck buddy, sex playmate, that kind of thing versus girls that are family oriented, relationship oriented. That could be a good girlfriend. Or maybe down the road, if you’re one of those guys who wants to get married and live happily ever after, then they’re a good candidate for that as well.
So because you basically got two types of women, there’s the girls that hook up with the party girls, the girls that don’t really have a background. Quite frankly, they don’t display the value system or the goals that you may have, especially if you’re a family oriented, relationship oriented. You want a girl to be loyal and faithful because the number one most important thing to us men in a relationship is loyalty. We want to know that the girl is loyal. A lot of guys that have been following me for a while, I’ve done countless video newsletters over the years where guys get two of them mixed up, and they experience a lot of pain because of it. So you always have to see reality as it is, not better than it is, which is what most guys tend to do who are deluding themselves or worse than it is where things are actually good and guys are just constantly sabotaging their success.
What’s interesting about that is if somebody comes from a family environment that’s full of chaos, disorder and dysfunction and just things being difficult and full of drama, and that’s what they’re used to. They become emotionally conditioned to and anchored that. That’s normal. So when they start dating somebody who’s even keeled and it’s a normal relationship, they will literally sabotage the relationship. Just because normality and things going well just doesn’t. It feels foreign to them. They’re not used to that and oftentimes cannot handle it. Whether they realize it or not, they often sabotage their own success.
I’ve read your book 24 times over the span of five years and I read your articles/book everyday. I’m 20.
Well, the most important thing is experience, because it’s great to have. It’s like going to college, try to gain a little knowledge, and “All you want to do is learn how to score,” as Jimmy Buffett says.
The idea is that you go to college, you gain some knowledge, and then you go out in the real world to apply that knowledge so you can develop your gifts, your skills, your talents and eventually increase your income earning potential as you become more competent and more knowledgeable.
At the end of the day, you have to have real world experience applying what’s in the book, because that’s the only way you’re going to really completely believe what’s in there is when you see it with your own eyes, when you see the patterns and things I talk about in my book, when you see it in your life and in the real world, and when you see enough examples of that, you spend enough time dating, meeting girls, approaching girls, having relationships, going through breakups, communicating all the things that come along with it. It’s until you have actual real world experience. It’s really just an intellectual mental circle jerk, if you will, so keep that in mind
I am living with my parents in an apartment on their property with my grandma living above me.
They got exchange students and one of them is very attractive and likes me.
Well, that’s always a bonus. I’ve got friends that have Airbnbs and they’re great hosts, and at least three or four times a year, a really hot girl comes through that’s single and ready to mingle, and it’s just a nice vacation for them. Plus they get paid for like almost like full service fun. So there’s that.
There are benefits to set up like that when you have a setup like that. Like in this case, this guy’s young. He’s obviously probably in college I assume, so he’s got people that are living on his property that his parents are renting too that are his age. In this particular case, one of them happens to be a cute girl that likes him. It’s nice when things happen that way.
We hook up/sleep together about four times a week in her room and occasionally in my apartment when my grandma is gone because she is very religious.
This has been going on for about 2-3 months.
She says she loves me, is all over me (most of the time) and initiates 99% of physical touch. I have never reached out first and she usually contacts me via text two times a day. (The texts are usually platonic and she never calls) I always respond with very short responses since I see her about every night.
So she’s doing all the pursuing, at least so he says. The other thing is she says, “I love you,” right? She may love you, but you got to understand. Does that mean she’s in love with you, or is she just may have deep caring for you? At the end of the day, her love and her feelings, you’ve got to bottom line her actions.
She’s also talking to another guy. She started talking to this guy after we met and tells me about him all the time.
What you’ll see later on in the email is there’s another guy that’s popped up. So it’s pretty clear. I mean, they’re both in college, and this is the age that girls are going to tend to explore. They tend to hook up, kiss other girls, or they hook up with other women. They have threesomes. They do all those crazy things when they’re away from their parents that they never did when they were younger. So it’s a good time for guys and girls to get some good experience.
You got to see reality as it is. If you’ve been you’re hooking up and sleeping with her four times a week, and yet she’s talking to other dudes and going out with other guys and potentially sleeping with them, you probably should be wearing a raincoat and practicing safe sex, number one. Number two, if you bottom line her actions and you are applying what’s in the book, it’s obvious she’s not head over heels in love with him. She may have care and concern for him, but the reality is if we look at her actions, she’s a free agent. She’s open to see what else is out there.
You have to look at what are her goals, what are her values? Is she behaving like a woman that is very selective in who she shares her body, her heart, her soul or her mind with? If after this amount of time and this amount of hooking up and this amount of intimacy, especially if she’s doing the pursuing like he says, well it’s pretty clear she’s a college girl, she’s having fun, she’s hooking up, and she’s not really family oriented because look at her actions. Those are not the actions of a girl who’s trying to win this guy over or convince him why he should be her boyfriend. She’s playing the field and having a good time, and it’s just open disclosure between the two of them.
I always play it cool, bantering and playing it off.
Whatever that means. I like to play it cool.
She says she loves me 3-10 times a day but our relationship lacks intimacy and it doesn’t feel like a relationship.
Yeah, you’re fuck buddies. You’re friends with benefits. You’r esex playmates. That’s it.
The other thing you got to understand is you’re only 20 years old. The thing that I know I didn’t realize when I was 20 is women often speak in hyperbole and they often will tell you, “Oh, I love you. You’re amazing. I love you guys. It’s so great hanging out with you. It’s so amazing.” Yet their actions never really line up with their words. That’s what you’re seeing.
If she’s telling you three to 10 times a day, I love you, well, then to this particular girl, she might, because there’s women that are just like they say “I love you” to everybody. They say, “I love you” to the front desk person. They say, “I love you” to their neighbors. They say, “I love you” to their coworkers, their girlfriends, their acquaintances, the person that delivers pizza to their house on a regular day “I love you.”
So you got to look at the context of that. In other words, “I love you” is almost like a “Hey, how’s your day going?” To this particular girl, because she’s not acting like a woman that’s concerned about losing you to somebody else and also, she’s not concerned about locking you down to a commitment. It’s just that from what it appears, you’re pretty easy going, easy to get along with.
Obviously, the potential for drama is there’s more downside risk for you between upsetting your parents and your grandma than it is for her, because she can, quite frankly, just go live somewhere else if it becomes an issue, but she’s doing it because there’s no stress, there’s no drama, it’s just an easy hookup. Like I said, if you look at her actions, she’s a free agent.
When she goes out with this guy it puts our relationship…
You’re not in a relationship with her, dude. This is just a friends with benefits.
…In a tailspin for a couple days with her going hardcore hot and cold. I always act indifferently except for being around less when she does this. I do this in a way that it doesn’t look like I’m throwing a hissy fit.
Obviously you’re bothered by it. On some level, I’m sure she can tell because again you’re 20, you don’t have the experience. Quite frankly, you’re writing this email and you can’t tell that you’re just involved with what looks like a hookup girl, a girl that’s experimenting. She’s not behaving like a woman who values highly, values her body and who she sleeps with. In other words, it’s not a sacred thing to her.
You know, when you date family oriented women, you’ll hear things like, “I only date one guy at a time. I’m not going to date several other guys,” or the woman is going to be tight with her mom and her dad. The parents have a healthy relationship. They get along great. The dad is actually an alpha, not some beta male that the mom just walks all over and that the girl walks all over as well.
So there’s characteristics that you see like that, versus this particular girl who’s obviously away from home. I don’t know where she’s from, but she’s hooking up. She’s having a good time. She’s 20 years old. It’s. You know, she’s not behaving like a woman who’s concerned about locking this guy down to a commitment.
If you look at the actions that way, I would say her interest in him probably hovers between a six and a seven. The “I love yous,” he’s interpreting the “I love you” to mean that she’s really in love with him. “I love you.” is like, “Hey, how’s your day going?” That’s basically what it means to her.
Again, when you’re older, you meet enough people, you meet enough girls, you date enough girls, you start to see that girls that are family oriented and really value their relationships, they’re not going to tell everyone, you know, the pizza guy that they love them as well, or the person that works at the front desk that they barely know. There’s just some girls are like that and there’s nothing wrong with it. Everybody loves to hear “I love you,” but it’s not like, “I’m deeply in love with you and I can’t live without you.” It’s none of that.
She’s also always saying things out of the blue like, “We have to stop talking,” “Don’t let me convince you to sleep with me tonight,” and such. I always respond with something like, “We know that’s not possible,” or “good luck,” with a smirk.
She said she feels really bad about seeing me and another guy at the same time and that’s why she needs to choose one of us.
That’s why you have to let a woman like this come to you at her pace, but you also should be dating other women.
I don’t buy that though as she just started talking to another guy this week.
There you go. This is the key. It’s like you understand the book. I mean, you’re 20 years old, it’s like I didn’t learn this stuff. It didn’t really click with me until I was 30 years old, 31, 32. Were the dots really connected? So here you are, 10, 11 years, a full decade more. In other words, you’re learning this stuff a full decade before the light bulbs even went on for me. So you’re in a much better place at your age than I was. So don’t feel bad.
You’ve just got to understand the way some women are, and you’re starting to see that. “I love you” three to 10 times a day, but yet there’s two other guys. So there’s three of you in her life that you know about.
I told her it doesn’t matter, we aren’t exclusive and she doesn’t owe me or him anything. I’m guessing I was too easy and available at this time.
Well, it doesn’t sound like you’re dating other women. It sounds like you kind of put all your eggs in one basket and you’re acting like, “Oh, it’s no big deal,” but women aren’t stupid, man. They’re way better at this game than us guys are. Especially at your age. She’s going to be way more advanced and understand men on a much deeper and better level than you understand women, just because they got more experience. As soon as a girl develops and she gets hot and she matures, it’s like everybody pays attention to her.
Plus, if they manipulate their fathers or they’re just used to manipulating men in general and saying things to get what they want from them, you always got to bottom line her actions. So here is a key where we’re part of the issue comes in.
I acted dopey a couple times and over pursued a little bit but caught myself quick and stopped.
Yeah, but the damage was still done. On some level, you’re still focused on it. You’re still writing about it because the original title of his email was “Hey, am I being too much of a cold fish?” Well, she’s doing all the pursuing, and you’re hooking up four nights a week, and yet she’s still inviting other dudes and there’s constantly other dudes coming in.
You’ve got to recognize that, “Her actions are not the actions of a woman that’s trying to lock me down.” So you’ve got to see this reality as is, which hey, she’s a fuck buddy. Friends with benefits. Sex playmate.
Don’t get attached. Be open and continue dating other women, because if you had two or three other girls like this, you’re going to give off a different vibe, and you’ll be in a much better position to evaluate their character versus the fact that this is probably the only thing you got going on in your personal life, and you live on basically your neighbors. It’s going to be hard to to have the emotional self control of, like somebody like myself that’s 53 years old, that’s been around the block a bunch of times at this point.
The idea is I’m trying to cut your learning curve down so you get this stuff a lot quicker.
I know intimacy and romance is the girl’s thing but something’s going wrong here as I feel she shouldn’t be actively pursuing new love interests. I am willing to bet I am over pursuing.
Give me the truth coach. You’re the man.
It’s like you might not, even though she’s doing all the the calling and the texting and maybe touching you. There’s something you’re saying and that you’re doing when you’re with her that is communicating that you’re more into her than she’s into you. In other words, she doesn’t have a fear of loss. She doesn’t feel like she’s winning the lottery by being with you. In other words, she doesn’t have true deep desire.
It doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but if you already are saying, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m over pursuing. I acted dopey in the past and over pursued,” the way you worded the email was like, “Oh yeah, that was a long time ago and I totally caught myself,” but if I bottom line her actions, these are not the actions of a girl that is even considering locking you down. She’s like, “Oh, I get to choose.”
You have to let women come to you at their pace. Like I said, it’s something you’re saying, something you’re doing when you’re hanging out. Maybe you guys never go out on dates. It’s just a hookup when you’re there, but if you had some other women in your life, especially when you’re this young, if you’re in college, college is a target rich environment, you’re never, ever in your life going to be surrounded by as many single, beautiful women that are open to experimenting because they’re away from their parents for the first time as you are in college.
This is one of things I tell Chunky all the time, and he’s spent an extra year taking his time to go through college because he’s having a blast. He’s meeting a lot of girls. He’s taking fewer classes so he can enjoy his life more. He’s traveling. And when you’re young and you’re single and you don’t have any attachments, it’s like rocking out with your cock out, man. Until some girl comes along who is just so awesome, so easy going, so easy to be with that all the other girls fade away.
Right now part of the problem is you’re in a weak position of leverage. Plus you’ve acted dopey and as you admit, you think you’re still over pursuing. So there’s things that you’re doing and saying when you’re in person that are communicating that she has the power. Maybe you’re letting her push you around, walk all over you, jerk you around, change the plans at the last minute. I don’t know what it is that you’re doing specifically, but the bottom line is, look at her actions. You’re really not that important to her.
She may care for you. She says enough things to keep you on the hook. The reality is, her saying, “I love you,” three to 10 times a day, but yet there’s two other dudes in the picture, those words don’t mean anything. It’s just like, “Hey, how’s your day going?” Kind of thing.
I know it’s tough. It’s not what you want to hear, because if you were acting dopey, then that tells me you probably pedestalizing the girl. Kissed her ass too much. You change your opinions to match hers. You know, those kinds of things is what typically guys do. I know that’s what I did back when I was young, because you want the girl to like you. So you think, “I got to be extra nice,” because that’s what you see in movies and TV shows all the time. It’s great that you have a friends with benefits, but if you had two or three other girls that you were doing the same thing with, your game would be night and day different.
Like I said, if I look at this girl’s actions here, they just do not seem like the actions of a girl who really values intimacy. Being with one guy, it’s just, “Hey, she’s hooking up and having fun and just rolling with her emotions wherever they go.” There’s really no thinking or logic in it. It’s just, “How does she feel?” That’s all it really matters to her.
It sounds like she probably doesn’t come from a very close, tight knit family because she’s not acting like somebody who really values intimacy and sex as something that’s sacred and important to her. It’s just like, “Hey, she’s like a hippie. She’s like a doorknob. Everybody gets their turn,” that kind of thing.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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