The important differences between hookup girls for fun and women who are relationship material.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer from the UK who has been hooking up with a girl who is also from the UK. She supposedly really likes him but is commitment phobic. They have both been dating and hooking up with other people during the past 7 months they have been seeing each other.
He wants to lock her down, but she is a party girl. He broke it off thinking he will turn her into a respectable loyal woman, but in reality, she simply belongs to the streets. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Remember, we all make our decisions based on emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify that. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart in relationships, especially dating somebody you really like, because we all know, how often does that really happen, that you meet somebody and just click on all levels? You feel like you’ve known them forever. It feels effortless from the moment you meet. It’s extremely rare. And so, when that does happen, when you do meet somebody you’re really attracted to and you really feel like you click with her and vice versa, you start projecting your fantasy of what you want, and then you ignore the reality.
And that’s where guys get in trouble, is they in essence try to turn the hoe into the housewife. It’s so obvious what’s going on with this girl, but he thinks, “Hey, I’ve got Corey’s book now. That can help me corral her into becoming the perfect woman.” And a big part of dating and relationships, especially if you’re looking for something exclusive – maybe you want to get married, maybe you want to live in girlfriend or whatever it happens to be – is you’ve got to make sure your goals and your values are aligned.
And that’s something that, early on, when you start seeing somebody and you’re asking questions of these women you go out with is, what’s their value system? How do they they look at loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity? What about family? What about kids? What do they think about kids? Obviously, if you want to have kids and a family, you shouldn’t be dating women that don’t like kids and don’t want anything to do with children. You could connect on all kinds of levels with them, but if they don’t like kids and don’t want to be a mom, and you want a family and you’re family oriented, your values are going to conflict.
And that’s what you’re you’re seeing in this guy’s email. There’s a lot a lot of detail here, so there are some good things to take a look at. But when you have a clash of values, you just can’t make good wine from bad grapes. You can’t force somebody to be the way you think they should be. Even though they might be better off and happier in your opinion, at the end of the day, you’ve got to look what people do, not what they say so.
Firstly, thank you for all your work, I have been following you for 2 years now, and I am reading your book for the fifth time.
Well, if you’ve followed me for two years and you’re just now starting the fifth time, you should have learned it 10 to 15 times and practiced it and rehearsed it. And then when you come across a woman like this, you will be prepared. And part of the problem is you weren’t prepared. And so, you get involved, you know, a little bit of the book, and you project your fantasy. And then you just ignore all of these red flags that are pretty glaring from the beginning. Especially if you’ve been following me for two years, you’ve heard me go through enough of these emails, guys in similar situations, thinking they’re going to be Mr. White Knight. They’re different, “I’m special. I’m a better guy than anybody else she’s going to encounter, and she’s going to want to be a good person because of me.”
At the end of the day, if the father wasn’t there to teach his daughter the goals and values of loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, family, she’s grown up and she’s an adult, the chances of her becoming a good person, the odds are not in her favor. It doesn’t mean that she can’t become this person, but it requires the individual to say, “Okay, I came from a messed up background, and I’m going to do something about it. I’m not going to be like my parents. I’m going to set things straight in my family lineage going forward.”
But most people won’t do that, and the ones that do, good on them. You have to be a realist. You have to look at how people are. And you give people the benefit of the doubt. Like this guy gave this girl the benefit of the doubt, but her actions continually, habitually revealed her value system. And so, there’s a conflict. You can’t mix the two. If your values are in conflict and she’s unwilling to submit, or come over to your side, or see things your way, you’ve got to see reality as it is. You can’t get upset or try to lock that person down, thinking you’re going to make them a respectable woman.
I am from the UK, I am 24 years old, and I am currently on an internship in New York and need some advice on a particular situation, which I haven’t seen covered before in your videos.
Sure, dude. That’s part of the problem. You are deluding yourself. “Oh, this is a special case. I’ve never heard you have one like this, Corey.” It’s a value system issue.
Me and this girl (who is also on the same internship program as me, is from the UK, is in the same friend circles as me, and is returning home at the same time), have had a thing with each other for the past 7 months now. From the point of meeting here, we hit it right out of the park and got along so well.
And so what happens? You you meet somebody, you click right away. You’re from the U.K., she’s from the U.K. you click instantly. You’re both in the same internship program. People who like the same things tend to like each other, pretty simple. So, it’s obvious why you have a lot in common and why you click so well. But just because you click so well, again, you’re in the vetting process and people can hide who they are for the first 90 days of a relationship. And so, you have to be realistic. But instead, this guy just got carried away with his emotions, and whatever he learned from the book went right out the window, probably his first time he got a taste of the pusswa.
It started off as being casual, as we weren’t ready for a relationship, but we were pretty much sleeping with each other every night out we went on.
The other thing you notice is you can tell she’s got the power, and she could tell that he’s more into her than she is in him. Even though the way he writes his email, he tries to write it like he’s doing everything right and it was all her. But the issue is women aren’t dumping guys they’re really super attracted to and really super into. And so, this is part of the problem. He doesn’t know the material because, as he said, he barely read it four times in two whole years. So, he gets involved with a girl he really likes, he gets carried away in his emotions. His emotions override the logic and whatever he may have learned in the book, and he’s seeking her attention and validation to the point where she ends it a month in.
She did end it after a month, as she was worried it was slipping into something more.
In other words, he wanted more than she did at that point.
But after 3 weeks of providing her little attention…
The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And so, he’s probably smothering her, trying too hard, thinking he’s going to turn her into a girlfriend and lock her down to a commitment. She could feel that, because she’s a party girl, she wants to have a good time. And instead of letting her come to him, he tries to force it, and then he gets rejected. Then he withdraws his attention correctly, and after she has some time and space and he’s no longer smothering her, her attraction creeps back up.
…after I stated that I wanted it to continue, we started back up again. When we started back up again, she put in place certain boundaries such as no sleepovers and no dates, but over the course of a few months, she very quickly broke all these boundaries.
Again, she just wanted a casual hookup, and he’s thinking, “I’m going to make her my girlfriend.“
Fast forward to two months ago, we went from living in the same apartment block, to me moving out elsewhere in NYC. She was very fearful that this would mean the end of us and wanted to hang out more. We ended up going on really lovely dates with each other and things got to the point where we were spending 4 to 5 full days a week with each other. It was even at the point where she was sad whenever I had to leave her to head home, and I know from mutual friends that she is head over heels.
If she’s messed up… like I said, the book is for normal, healthy women. It brings out the best in the best and the worst in the worst. And what’s happening is she’s revealing everything that’s going on, plus he’s finding out about it from other people. And because his emotions are overriding all logic, he’s just not even paying attention anymore.
However, this weekend, things ended with her. This girl has always been scared of a relationship so just focused on hanging out, hooking up and having fun – not getting focused on labels, etc.
But again, you could tell from the email, he was trying to lock her down in the beginning, to the point where she bounced on him. And so, he went right back to the same mentality, “I’ve got to lock this girl down.” Obviously, it looks like he’s slowed down enough to give her enough time and space away from him to wonder about him, to miss him.
That’s all fine and dandy, but at the end of the day, if your values don’t align, if she doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, family, connection, you can’t make her want to do those things. You can’t manipulate her into doing those things. You have to recognize that that’s who she is. And when you look at her actions, she’s pretty consistent.
I continued to date people over the past 7 months, and so did she. When I went on dates, particularly in the later stages, I found out from mutual friends that she would get annoyed by this but would never bring up anything about exclusivity.
Because, again, that’s not part of her value system. You can make excuses. You can go, “Oh, well her attachment style,” blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t matter. You’re looking for somebody with similar values and similar goals. And you’re trying to impose your values and your goals onto her and get her to change to match yours. That’s not how this works.
She has also gone on dates, which also bothered me, but I remained headstrong and shrugged them off, training myself to have the mentality that I am the prize, and she will always pick me over these other men.
Again, he’s focused on a relationship with a party girl.
It is also worth noting that in the first 4 months, I found out from a mutual friend that she was still talking to a guy back home in the UK who she was seeing before she came out to NYC.
So, she’s got plenty of male orbiters. Again, if you’re vetting a girl and you’re seeing all of this behavior, you’ve just got to look at it and go, “You know what, she’s just a casual friends with benefits.” That’s it. See it for what it is and enjoy it. When she wants to hang out, you hang out, have fun, and hook up. And when she doesn’t, if you’re looking for a relationship, you’ve got to find a match with the goals and values. That’s the hard part. That’s where a lot of guys get stuck is they can’t disengage from somebody once their emotions are involved. Once they recognize the red flags, it goes right over their head, they ignore it, and they keep plowing forward thinking they’re going to be different. “I can fix her, I can change her. I can get her to be the way I want.”
She kept darting between whether she was more interested in him or in me.
You can just tell, he’s just obsessed about locking this girl down and not seeing it for what it is. You’ve got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. And he’s still seeing it as the fantasy that he wants it to be and ignoring reality.
However, as time went by and I enacted your work, this mutual friend told me that she ended up head over heels for me, and this guy faded out of the picture.
If she was head over heels in love with you, she’d probably be wanting you all to herself. So again, that’s probably a little bit of delusional thinking, because her actions don’t match that.
Additionally, she would also sleep about quite a lot in the first 5 months.
She’s a hookup girl. She’s a party girl. She’s not wife material, she’s not girlfriend material. She’s just out sowing her oats.
A friend described it to me as she would go off and have her fun, sleep with random people, then come back to me and have me there as comfort when she wanted the security of a relationship.
Again, don’t try to turn the hoe into the housewife. Just enjoy the friends with benefits relationship you’ve got. Always wear a raincoat. Don’t be raw dogging a girl like this. Don’t be stupid.
I had let her get in the position where she felt like she could do what she wanted…
Yeah, because you put her on a pedestal.
…and that I would still be sitting waiting for her.
Yeah, because you gave all of your power away.
This has always been a major red flag for me, but I thought to myself, if I continue to hang out, have fun, hook up, she will naturally over time walk herself into a relationship.
There you go again, ignoring all of her behavior. Women that value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, they’re selective. They’re not going to be sleeping around. They’re not the town bicycle. They’re in New York and this girl’s constantly hooking up with other random dudes while they’re hooking up and she supposedly loves him. He’s going, “I can work with this. I can fix this.”
But this behavior would continue as I will describe next. Over the past month and a half, like I mentioned before, we became a lot more coupley and close…
He’s still totally focused on the relationship and locking her down.
…spending days on end with each other, and going out on these amazing dates. This all started when I moved away, and she found out I went on a date with someone else.
Yeah, because once you were no longer living in the building, you were probably not able to smother her as much as you were.
This led her to tell me one night when she was drunk that she had strong feelings for me. She is a really bad communicator and talking about her feelings makes her cringe, so it takes intense times like these for her to even remotely open up.
At least that’s what he tells himself. He’s rationalizing all of her issues, “Well, it’s just this issue. I can work with it.”
The next night, she would then go on to get with another guy in front of me, and I told her that this was a boundary crossed for me.
Dude, this is your friends with benefits. She ain’t yours. In this particular case, she ain’t yours, it’s just your turn. With this particular woman, it definitely applies to her.
I told her she is more than welcome to behave like that, but it wouldn’t be with me.
Again, acting like you’re her boyfriend or something.
She agreed that she had acted badly, and said she was probably self-sabotaging over the fact that she scared herself with how much she liked me.
It doesn’t matter. You’re looking for a normal, healthy woman, not a woman that’s going, “Oh, I’m all messed up. I’ve got all these problems.” A woman who comes from a bad family environment is going to say, “Hey, I messed up.” She’s going to go to a therapist, She’s going to study self-help, she’s going to work on herself. She’s going to make friends with people that have good relationships and that are family oriented, because she wants to be like them. But girls that you can’t help, they behave this way.
She also asked me worrying things, such as how much can she get away with before I end things with her and told me she was also fearful that she was going to do something stupid one night when she was drunk that would end things between me and her.
It’s obvious she liked him, but the important thing is the value system. A girl that comes from a good, healthy family is just not going to be doing this. She’s not going to be sleep with dozens of other dudes, because she wants the complete package. And if she was dating this guy for seven months and he was still dating and sleeping with other women, she would have ditched him after a month or two of that. She would have recognized that he doesn’t share the same values or goals as her, and she would have had the strength to move on, because her dad and her mom filled up her bucket of self esteem enough to the point where the world can’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry. She’s going to hold true to what she wants.
At this point she was still trying to remain single while still also getting the benefits of a relationship with me.
Again, this guy thinks he’s in a relationship with this girl. He’s just completely delusional about what’s going on.
I told her that if she broke a boundary more than once, I would end it, and that if she did value our time together in the way she says she did, she wouldn’t do anything stupid.
Your values are in conflict, bro.
After this, we started to hang out a lot more, and I believed she was coming around to focus just on me as her behavior changed a lot. She went from being reluctant to do dates…
Again, that shows that he’s trying to get her to come along and do things that she doesn’t want to do, instead of enthusiasm going, “Oh yeah, hell yeah, I’d love to go out with you.” It’s pretty obvious from the get go, this dude has completely been focused on a relationship and locking her down and trying to act like he doesn’t really care when he does. And she can tell she can feel it.
…to actively planning these amazing passionate dates for us to go on. Her language changed and she would talk about us a lot more as if we were a couple. She would want me to spend multiple days with her, hanging out, sleeping over, etc. I was so happy, excited and thought we were there.
You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.
And she appeared to feel the same way.
Well, that sounds nice, but what are the actions? Here they are…
I then found out that she was still talking to multiple boys, including the ex from back home, and she had also planned a date with someone she has been talking to for about 3 months.
Remember what I said about value systems? She belongs to the streets! Them streets, they are a’calling. They want their girl back.
I had gone on a date with someone earlier that week, mainly because I was guarding myself from getting oneitis with her…
Well, you’ve already got oneitis with her. Congratulations, bro.
…in case she began to back off again. So, on the weekend, I brought up the fact I had been on a date and told her I realized to myself that I was no longer down for acting like boyfriend and girlfriend for both of us to still head out on dates and potentially sleep with other people. She said to me that she needs to be single…
Oh, this is great…
…as she wants to romanticize her life in NYC as a single independent woman meeting other people here.
At the end of the day, if I look at our actions, she ain’t head over heels in love. He’s trying to rationalize into believing that, but it’s just not there. He has continually given all of his power away, trying to lock the hoe down and turn her into a housewife.
She said that these dates with other people are just meaningless…
If somebody says something like that, “Oh, all of these dates with other people, it’s just meaningless sex,” that tells me she doesn’t value herself. She doesn’t value her body, her sexuality, and what she brings to the table. She’s a human cum dumpster. She likes to catch them in the cum catcher.
…and that I was the special one for her.
Sure. Her actions don’t reflect that. It sounds nice.
I asked if she was interested in doing 2 or 3 weeks where it’s just us…
Again, he’s trying to lock her down to a commitment, even though in the email he tries insinuate, “Oh no, I’m not after that at all.”
…not dating or texting other people to see how it was, and she said no, as she was worried she wouldn’t have the courage to end it if she wasn’t feeling it. I posed this question…
…if we had spent 5 days together acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, had the most amazing passionate dates, sex and quality time…
Again, he’s trying to talk her into being in a relationship.
…and then went out on a date with someone else 2 days later, would she sleep with him if the opportunity arose.
I love her honesty…
She replied, “Yeah, I might. I want the freedom to be able to do that.” She even said that she couldn’t say for certain that she wouldn’t also start dating someone else on a consistent basis, even when we were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend.
Now, why is that? Because she belongs to the streets! She doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. As much as you want her to, and as much as you’re trying to lock her down for seven months, she doesn’t value it. She’s even telling you that. It’s just not on her radar. She never learned those things. She wasn’t taught it. She wants to be a lady of the streets.
I said to her that this showed little value for our time…
That’s because she shows very little value for herself and her body and her time.
…and what we have together, and that I was done acting like her boyfriend for 5 days of the week for her to still sleep with and see other people for the other 2 days.
Keep in mind, he’s still going out on dates as well. He’s big mad about her going out on dates.
I ended things with her and said that I couldn’t be friends but would remain civil when our friendship groups are together. I told her to give me a call if she changes her mind and does want to give things a try, just me and her. She was quite surprised that I ended things totally with her. I think this is because I think she thought I would allow her to do what she wanted in fear of losing her.
Well, she wasn’t yours, bro. The streets are a calling. She can’t resist the urge to go back to the streets. But in all fairness, she’s been pretty consistent with what she said she wanted.
She also kept telling me that she wanted things to carry on as they were, and she thought it was the wrong decision to end things.
In other words, she wanted to continue sleeping with you and any other dude that came along.
She said that I was special and that she didn’t want to lose me, but I still held to my position that I was done acting like her boyfriend for her to still see other people. Coach, what is your take on this girl?
Is she trouble and needs to be removed from my life as this is a toxic situation?
Dude, you just don’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife. She’s simply a friends with benefits. If she reaches out, hook up with her if you’re so inclined. But if you want a girlfriend or a wife, this ain’t it. She’s not a candidate. She shouldn’t even be on the list.
Overall, I care for this girl and there is nothing more I want than to be with her.
It’s like you’re ignoring reality, dude. You’re delusional. She’s not capable of it.
Do I go back and continue in the situation I was in…
What, so she can lose even more respect for you as a man, because you don’t have the balls to stand up for what you say you believe in, the values that you claim that you stand for? Come on, that’s pathetic.
…and hope she comes around to wanting full exclusivity one day?
Have some self respect, bro.
Or have I done the right thing by walking away and showing I am not afraid to lose her?
Well, if you want exclusivity, monogamy, loyalty, it’s not going to be with her. So, if that’s what you want, then yeah, you should go find somebody who has the same values as you.
One thing that does confuse me on next steps is that with her being a poor communicator, if she does come back, it’s unlikely that she will bring up any conversation about relationships or giving her and myself a proper go.
Again, you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.
This concerns me, as I know from your work not to start bringing up exclusivity when an ex comes back, but wouldn’t this then just lead us to the same situation that I was in with her before?
Again, you don’t try to lock a girl like this down in a relationship. Even though you claim that’s not what you want and that you’re cool with things being open, it’s obvious your actions and your words reflected the opposite of that. And so, the moral of the story with this particular email is don’t project your feelings of high interest onto a girl and ignore the fact that she belongs to the streets, ignore the fact that she has no interest in loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity.
And for you, you’ve got to actually learn the book and learn the material, dude, because it just seems like you kind of cherry picked some things that helped you seduce her, and you never really learned the rest of the material that you need to know to vet women properly. And you’ve got to have the inner strength, the testicular fortitude, (as the late, great Richard Marsinko used to say), you’ve got to have the guts to walk away, the testicular fortitude to recognize that she doesn’t have the same value system as you. And for you to sit around for seven months thinking you’re going to manipulate her or change her with the book, I mean, that’s absurd and ridiculous.
So, if you really want loyalty, monogamy, and exclusivity, then yeah, I wouldn’t have anything to do with this girl, and I wouldn’t even give her another chance. I mean, she even told you in your conversation, even if she was exclusive to you or committed to it, if another guy came along and she really liked him, she doesn’t believe that she’d be able to control herself, and she would probably just hook up with him anyway. As Maya Angelou said so well and so rightly, “when somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” This girl has told you who she is, you’ve seen who she is, but you refuse to see reality as it is. And that’s on you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge – maybe you’re in a situation like this and your head is spinning, and your emotions are all over the place, and you’re trying to figure out, do you continue fishing? Do you cut bait? What do you do? Do you go fish in a different pond? – I’m happy to help you in a coaching session. Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur