What you should do if you feel like life is hopeless and your life is totally messed up, so you can reach your full potential.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a woman who has four felony convictions, was kidnapped, is on probation, socially isolated, has an abusive boyfriend and feels mentally beat down. She recognizes that she’s in a bind and often feels like things are hopeless and won’t get any better anytime soon.
She asks what she can do to stay positive and motivated to try and better herself and her life, despite the fact that most of the people in her life are unsupportive and emotionally distant. She runs every morning and is in the best shape of her life. She feels insecure, has low confidence right now and is not sure what to do next. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
I hope you read this, because I’ve really enjoyed listening to your videos and even though I’m really tired, I’m gonna send you an email, because I’d love your advice. I am going through a rough time in life to say the very least.
Here’s the reality, life is a series of rough times. I think it was Andy Andrews who said, “We’re either headed for a crisis, in a crisis, or coming out of a crisis,” so you have to get good at dealing when shit just doesn’t go your way. That’s just fucking reality. We all have problems. We all have things that don’t go the way we want them to in life, and the best thing you can do is accept that that is a reality. Sometimes life just fucking sucks, and it’s going to take a long time from where you are to where you want to be.
The way to be sure you end up where you want to be in the future is to do what you know you need to do right now, even when you don’t feel like it, because the time is going to pass in your life. If you want to get to a better place, you’re going to have to get good at taking action, even when you don’t feel like it — even when it feels like the world is against you and life is hopeless. The reality is, bad times will always pass eventually. And you know what, good times will also pass eventually.
Everyone you love, everything you build, it’s all going to turn to dust eventually anyway, so you’re really only left with the fact that you’ve got to find a way to enjoy your life where you are and be excited about what the future can bring, provided you know what you want and when you want it, and you’re moving towards it.
I am from a small town in Montana, and I’m stuck living in Los Angeles, because I am on felony probation. A meth head in Montana forced me to sit in the car while he robbed houses, and now I have four felonies accountable for burglary. He robbed a gun store and had 50 guns in the car. I was helpless in the situation and now have PTSD from it, as well as the court case, which was traumatizing with 100 people shaming me for something that wasn’t my fault and my retarded public defender that didn’t do anything.
Well, from what I’ve heard, pretty much everybody in jail is innocent. At least they’ll tell you that. I would say, in all honesty, whether you directly put yourself in the situation or the people you chose to associate yourself with did, you can’t just sit here and absolve yourself from any kind of blame. At the end of the day, you don’t have a time machine and you can’t go back and undo all the shit that happened. It is what it is. All you can do is choose how you’re going to live your life right now going forward.
So now I owe $10,000 to pay for the damages he did, and I’m trapped in Los Angeles.
I’ve been living with a boyfriend who is a positive and negative person in my life.
Remember, the story we tell ourselves influences everything we do, everything we say, and most importantly, the people the people we have in our life. If you’re in a toxic situation with a relationship or if you have toxic friends in your life, at the end of the day, you are the one tolerating those people in your life. And if you believe that that’s your lot, if you believe you’re a victim, if you just believe that’s the way thing are, then that justifies continuing to allow those kinds of people into your inner circle, and then you end up with the circumstances you end up with.
On one hand, I can say that he can be really sweet and loving and has influenced me to work hard to get to a better place in life, and I have fallen in love with him. But also, he can be bipolar and say mean, fucked up things and drive me insane, and he breaks stuff in my car. Just so many things, where our fights, I can’t deal with them anymore.
If you keep sticking around and putting up with it, you’re enabling his behavior. By the fact that you stick around, you communicate that you’re going to forgive him, no matter what he does.
He can be cold as fuck. He tells me I need to just get over what happened with the PTSD. Most days I cry and have socially isolated myself over the past few years.
The good thing about crying is it’s an emotional release. You’re releasing that stuck energy. In other words, you’re feeling it. Obviously, being a woman, you’re going to be more in touch with your emotions than the average guy is going to be. So from that perspective, a woman is going to have the advantage, because they can feel the emotions, positive and negative, they move through your nervous system, and you’re able to move on. Whereas, us guys avoid feeling those things, which causes us to walk around feeling like shit all the time.
You have to feel it to heal it. You have to get into it before you can get out of it, and I discuss that extensively in my second book, “Mastering Yourself.” It really is an art, and it really will be awful when you’re going through a difficult time. So if you’re crying, keep doing that, because it’s a release. It causes that energy to keep from getting stuck as muscle tension in your nervous system.
I’ve been trying to move out, and it’s just so expensive here.
Well, get a second job. Get a different job. You have to come up with a plan. If you need more cash, you’ve got to find a way to earn more money. You earn more money by adding more value. Let’s use the restaurant industry. Think of it this way, if your dinner check is $50 versus $200, and people typically on average tip around 20%, that $50 meal is pretty much the same amount of work as a $200 meal, so you’re simply going to make more for the same amount of work. That’s the way you have to think about things.
If you have multiple offers for a job, you have several people who want to hire you, whoever is willing to pay you the most and give you the best benefits and the best company culture, they’re the ones you’re going to choose. The same thing when it comes to dating. When you have multiple people you can date, you can be picky. If you’ve got nobody or hardly anybody to date, then you’re going to be in a scarcity mindset, and nine times out of ten you’re going to end up with somebody that you’ve settled for, because you told yourself you didn’t deserve better.
When I came to recognize that I could do better, I could be better, I set about the task of making that happen. I always believed I’d figure it out and I’d find a way eventually. It’s just a matter of time and repetition and taking consistent action.
It sucks, because I am in love with my boyfriend, but he’s so immature and fucked up towards me, and I’m stuck living with him because I’m broke.
Okay, well if you weren’t broke anymore, or you weren’t as broke as you are now, because you improved your employment situation and started making more money, that would give you choices. At the end of the day, that’s what money really does. It gives you choices to live your life the way you want and spend it more the way you want. If you don’t want to feel stuck living with him and depending upon him, you need to do something to radically change your employment situation, whether it’s learning new skills, developing your talents, growing your reserve of knowledge, or maybe just going to work somewhere else, where you can do the same job you have now, but they are willing to pay you more. Look for an additional job or an additional stream of revenue part-time. It’s a matter of time, putting in the hours, and saving up the money to where you can dip out when you need to.
It seems like most people in my life are unsupportive or emotionally distant.
Nobody is going to understand you or your motivations for why you do what you do better than you do. That’s why you go back to what you want and having an emotionally compelling reason why you want it. You have to do it for you, not because of anybody else. Pretty much everybody has people in their lives, especially family members, that we’re kind of stuck with and who aren’t really going to be on board with anything you’re doing.
Just remember, we all tend to project what’s inside of us, so if somebody’s trying to discourage you, what they’re really trying to do is project their story of how they’re living their lives onto you in order to get you to act the same way. Because guess what, if they can get you to act the same way as they do, then they’re not a loser. They’re trying to tell you their story, not yours. You just have to ignore those people, tune them out, and manage the distance. Reduce the amount of time you spend with them.
I just have a really hard time forming connections with people, and I’m extremely insecure and have low confidence now after being kidnapped, homeless for two years, being isolated, emotionally abused and bullied throughout life.
Confidence comes from knowing what to do and doing it really super well, which only comes from time, repetition and growing your reserve of knowledge. You would feel more secure if you had more money and more choices, so first and foremost your number one goal is to improve your income earning potential, obviously something legal, something that is a slow and steady progress, and in a matter of months, you can get to a place where you can have choices.
The reality is, your boyfriend is the way he is. He was like that before you met him. It’s not your job to fix him or save him. You should recognize the fact that you probably are attracted to people who tend to have similar problems as you. Like attracts like.
Everyone’s got fucking problems, but as bad as you think you’ve got it, you could be living somewhere in the Middle East in a fucking war-zone, and you’re not. You’re living in here in L.A. There are millions of people who are way worse off than you are, even though you’ve got four felonies on your record. You’re still living in a country that’s one of the greatest in the world for opportunity. But you must participate in your own rescue. Nobody can do it for you.
But every single day I am hustling, trying my best, that I can’t physically handle to slowly make things happen.
Things happen slow with everything. When you’re in a situation with a relationship that you know is kind of fucked, and you want to get the hell out of it, despite the fact that you love this guy, you’re not going to find another job, an additional job, or a better job overnight. It’s going to take time and repetition. It might take several weeks or several months to make that happen, but if you don’t do anything, it’s not going to happen at all. And that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you can go and complain to everyone about your problems. Nobody’s going to do it for you. Your boyfriend isn’t going to do it for you. You have to do it. You have to take care of you.
I run every morning, and I’m in the best shape of my life,
Good for you, good job. That’s more than I can say for the majority of the people you’re going to encounter in life. You’re already way ahead of people who aren’t taking care of their bodies, because you need your health in order to be productive,
but I feel mentally beat the fuck down, and most of the time, my brain is numb with migraines.
Typically, if you’re stressed the fuck out and your nervous system is all jacked up because of the stressful life, yeah, getting migraines is probably going to be a regular occurrence. I know when I get stressed out, my neck tends to get fucking jacked up, and that’s why I try to do as much as possible, whether it’s getting Network Chiropractic care or just organizing my life in a way that keeps me as low stress as possible. The more stress you have, the more you move into that fight or flight response. That just creates a whole host of problems.
My boyfriend says I’m just negative and complain, but there’s just so much fucked up shit I’m trying to overcome. It’s like I cant just be 100% positive all the time.
That’s okay. You’re not always going to be positive, but sitting around complaining but not doing anything about it, yeah, that’s being a fucking slacker. You can complain and bitch, but you still need to take action, because the reality is, nobody gives a fuck. Nobody cares about your problems. Nobody cares about my problems. Nobody cares about your boyfriend’s problems. Everyone’s got problems, and quite frankly, they’re probably glad that you have them. As Tony Robbins says, “Problems are a sign of life.” You’ve got something to work on. That’s a good thing. Sometimes life just sucks, and that’s okay. It’s important to feel it and heal it — to get into it to get out of it, like I talk about in “Mastering Yourself.”
Talking through problems and having support, not judgment, would be nice,
That’s going to be a result of the people you choose to spend your time with. If you have a lot of judgemental, unsupportive people in your life, well, you made the choices to have those kinds of people in your life. So recognize that you shouldn’t be spending time with those kinds of people. And when you get to the point where you’re stable again, you shouldn’t be dating people. With what’s taught in my book “How To Be A 3% Man,” you should be much better at filtering out undesirable guys, becoming a better woman for a good man,
since I feel like he’s my only true social connection now.
Maybe another job, or a part-time job, where you can interact with more people and be more social could be helpful to you.
I know that both of us aren’t at good stages in our life, and I wish it would work. I don’t know.
Well, you either accept him the way he is, or you recognize and be honest that you’re not going to be able to change him, and he’s got a truckload of problems as well. The only thing you have control over is yourself and how you show up and what you choose to do going forward, recognizing that you are where you are, seeing life as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. Taking the action you know you need to take, day in and day out, is going to get you from where you are to where you want to be.
Sorry. I’m tired as fuck right now. Hope you read this.
Like I said, you’ve got a choice right now. You’ve got to improve your employment situation so you can increase the cash flow into your life. The more cash flow you have, the quicker you’ll be able to do something about your living situation. Then you won’t feel like you’re trapped, depending on your boyfriend. That will give you freedom, and that will make you feel better about yourself, because now you’re in control of your own destiny. That’s going to help build your confidence and build your self esteem, because now you’re able to take care of yourself.
You’ve improved yourself and become a better quality person, and that also helps you attract better quality people into your life. And if you have better quality people in your life, you’re going to be happier. The happier you are, the more confident you’re going to feel. It’s little baby steps. Put one foot in front of the other, and take the action you know you need to take.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Success always takes way longer than you think it will and is usually harder than you thought it would be when you first started. That is why it is essential to choose to spend your time practicing, perfecting, measuring and refining your skills and talents, and growing your reserve of knowledge for something you have a passionate burning desire to achieve and become. Without a passion and burning desire for an emotionally compelling outcome, you’ll simply give up as soon as things get difficult. Focus on what must be done today, and do it to move yourself ever so slightly forward towards your grandest goals and dreams. Big dreams are built upon the successful execution and perfection of the tiniest minor details, day in and day out, especially when you don’t feel like it.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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