How a man can become the leader again in his relationship after making the woman the leader.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 7 years. He claims he was always a ladies man in the past and slept with over 100 women, but he decided to settle down with her instead of just having endless meaningless sex with random women. He made her the man in the relationship early on, but has taken some of his power back in the past year since finding my work. However, he hasn’t completely become the man in the relationship, and she still mostly runs the show. She is trying to get pregnant, and they disagree on where they want to raise the child. She wants to go back to France and he wants to stay in Spain where they currently live. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, How A Man Can Become The Leader Again In His Relationship.
Well, this particular email is from a guy who has been with his girlfriend for about seven years. He claims he was always a ladies man in the past, slept with over a hundred women, but he decided to settle down with her because he got tired of just having meaningless sex with random girls. However, him, settling down if you will, basically was him abdicating complete leadership in the relationship and basically becoming the woman and making her the man.
And so, he did whatever she wanted to do. He turned into a super pleaser, and that didn’t go too well. So, they lived in France at the time, and I guess they were in Spain. And she convinced him to move back to France, even though he didn’t really want to be there. And so, at some point, over the last few years, I guess when he came across my work, he took his balls back.
He’s like, “I hate France, I don’t want to live here. I told you that initially I want to move to Spain. I’m moving to Spain. You can come. That’d be great. But I’m moving to Spain.” So, he moved back to Spain. And guess what? She followed him. Because he acted like the man. However, now she’s trying to get pregnant, and she says, “Well, I want to raise the kid back in France.”
And she knows that he absolutely hates France, doesn’t want to be there. And yet he’s considering it. And so, it’s like the power, you know. He hasn’t completely taken the power back all the way. And that’s what he’s trying to do. But obviously he’s in a fearful state. He’s like, “What if I lose her?” And you got to you remember, as The Book says, “Women have to know that if they push you too far, you will walk and never look back.”
And that’s part of what he did when he’s like, “Hey, I’m moving to Spain. I don’t want to be in France anymore.” And he left. And so, she says, “Well, I want to go back to France.”
He’s like, “I’m not going back to France. Not going to happen. If we’re going to have kids, we’re going to raise them in Spain. If you don’t want to raise kids in Spain with me, then we don’t need to be together. It’s as simple as that. I’m not going to raise a child in France. I just don’t want to do it.”
That’s his truth. That’s what he needs to do. She would respect him more if he had the balls to stand up for himself consistently. So, his problem, he’s vacillating back and forth between being the leader and being a man, and being feminine and abdicating the leadership role to her, which she obviously resents.
Because women typically become bitchy and they become angry when you act like a bitch. Because they don’t want to be the man in the relationship, you’re the one with the penis, after all. You’re supposed to be the guy pointing, pun intended, and leading. Pointing and leading, pointing and leading. So, let’s go through his email.
I’ve been in a relationship for the last 7 years with a beautiful French singer. I have given my power away in the big decisions, I have abandoned some of my important objectives and principles for her and I have been a lot in my feminine side.
Well, fucking knock it off, dude. It’s not working for you. Obviously. She wants a man. You’re supposed to be more masculine than she is.
Before her I was “hanging out, having fun and hooking up” and I was always in my masculine energy. I had more than a 100 lovers but then, for some stupid reason I started to feel guilty.
I thought, “Next time I meet someone I like, I will give her what they all ask for. My time, my whole attention and energy.” Of course, by doing that I just made her lose interest and respect in me.
Yeah. You stopped being the leader. She got into the relationship because you were a leader. She wanted to follow your lead. But then you’re like, “I don’t want to lead anymore. I want you to be the man, honey.”
I think she has stayed with me me because I’m very successful as a comedian myself.
Well, women like a guy with a sense of humor. Because if you can constantly make her laugh, what happens when you’re laughing? You feel good. And whatever you make your girl feel when she’s with you, is what she’s going to associate with being with you. And so, even though you act like a bitch at times, you probably keep her laughing a lot. Because you are a comedian. A successful one at that, as you say.
And that part of my life keeps the attraction up because it’s the only part where I am always in my masculine.
Well, also what humor does with a woman, and that’s why it’s so powerful, is that it shows you’re indifferent. You’re indifferent to her being angry. You’re indifferent to her being upset with you. You’re indifferent to her tests. You’re indifferent to her teasing. You’re indifferent to her breaking your balls.
In other words, you’re not diminished by it. You’re not diminished by her being in a crappy mood. Especially if you always got a funny, more playful comeback. And so, that’s why she stays. Because in that respect, just like you said, you’re in your masculine. And the humor communicates that you’re not diminished by anything she said or did. Which is what she really wants from you anyways.
She also knows that if she leaves me, I would have no problem finding other girl and I would be happy traveling around the world. But the reality is that since I started with her, I even blocked some girls from my social networks accounts so that she would not feel jealous.
I listen and feel her without losing my center and I have started to take decisions for us. but she still has the power in the relationship. It’s hard for me to book a hotel or cook a surprise meal without asking her if it’s ok, for example.
“I don’t want to piss my wife off, Corey. I don’t want to piss my girlfriend off.” I got a lot of friends that are married, have been married for many decades, and it’s like, these guys are the baddest alphas. And when their wives aren’t around, they still act like that. But when the wives are there, “I don’t want to piss her off. I don’t want her to be mad at me for the next 3 or 4 days. I got to live with her.”
You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Women are like the Borg. If you’ve ever seen the old Star Trek versions from the Next Generation from the late 1980s, early 90s. That’s pretty funny. But, the bottom line is you got to think in terms of your job is to drive the fun bus, right?
So, if you want to cook a meal with her, you say, “Hey, I want to cook spaghetti tomorrow night, 8:00. Are you down? Are you available? How does that sound?” And if she says, “Oh, I’d rather have meatloaf.” Well, if you like meatloaf, then great. But if you hate meatloaf, go, “Nah, meatloaf sucks. I’m not cooking meatloaf. Something else. How about chicken cacciatore? Or chicken piccata? Let’s do chicken piccata. A chicken marsala.”
Just come out with something that she says, “Okay, let’s do that.” Because the idea is to co-create together. It’s not like you’re a benevolent dictator and you dictate to her what to do, but it’s like you come up with the idea and you invite her to join you.
Just like when you went from France to Spain, you’re like, “This is what I’m doing. I’d love it if you’d come, but if not, it’s been great. You’ve been great. You’ve been swell. Let me know if you change your mind.”
One year in the relationship I started being on my feminine side and she said she wanted us to live in France. even though she knew I hate France and my life was in Spain, where I’m from. But I did the stupid thing to go live in France with her for 4 years to make her happy. only to find she started treating me like shit sometimes.
Yeah, because you went knowing full well, and she knew full well that you hated it there. And that was on you. That was being a bitch.
I know now she was doing it because I did not hold my ground or respect myself. I wasn’t being a leader. I was forcing her to be the leader and she was punishing me for that.
Yep. Women will do that. She will move to another country knowing you hate it. Just because it’s what she wants to do, and you’re too weak to stand up to her, and put your foot down.
I got some power back and decided to move back to Spain and surprisingly enough she decided to follow me.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You finally grew a set of balls. You said, “I don’t want to be here. I’m going back to Spain. Love it if you come. But if you don’t, that’s okay. But it’s been real.”
So what happened? He was willing to go do what he wanted, even if it meant losing her. And that’s why she followed him. Because that’s what a leader does. “A man does what he must in spite of the consequences.” As the late John F Kennedy said. Man’s got to do what a man’s got to do, bro. Even if it means the end of your relationship.
I found a big house near the seaside with great people around us. But then she started bitching about everything. I put up with it for a few months but then it got in my skin again and I started arguing with her, being emotional and fragile, again.
Oh, come on dude. Come on man. That’s where the humor comes in. It’s like, “Oh, I love it when you’re spicy like this. Ooh, it’s very sexy. I love it when you talk to me like that. God, it turns me on.”
Or you’d be like, “That actually makes my dick and balls shrivel up into my abdomen, and then I look like a turtle down there.” It’s like, “I don’t want to be a turtle. Don’t make me a turtle, babe.” But arguing with her. Yeah, that’s a bad way to go.
We´re trying to have a baby and she doesn’t want to raise him/her in Spain. and I do not want to raise him or her in France. I feel like I’m getting my power back and maybe if I’m consistent, I’ll get it back all the way.
Yeah. You have to be willing to to say, “I’m not moving to France. We’re not raising kids in France.” So, as long as you’re like, “I want to raise the kid in France.” It’s like, “We’re not having a baby. As simple as that. I’m not having a baby with you. I’m not going to have a baby with you. And then you haul ass back to France to raise it there.”
It’s like, “If we’re going to have a child, it’s because you want me to be your man. You want me to be the daddy, and you want to stay where it makes daddy happy. Because I want to hear from you Yes, daddy. Whatever daddy wants. What daddy wants is what daddy gets. And if you don’t like it, well. I’ll miss you. It’ll be sad, but I’ll be okay.”
But right now, it doesn’t feel like I can take a family decision like that. It doesn’t feel like 50/50.
It’s not supposed to be 50/50, bro. You’re thinking like a chick still.
It feels more like she can get what she wants just by making me feel guilty.
Well, it’s like, don’t feel guilty. Is like, “Babe, I told you, I’m not living in France. I’m never moving back there. If France is that important to you, if you would choose France over me, then you are not the mother of my children. You are not the right girl for me. And I invite you and encourage you to pack your things and move back to France. And if that’s what you really want.”
“But if you love me and you love what we have, and you love our life here, and you want a family together, this is where we’re going to do it. Simple as that. It’d be wonderful. But if you don’t want that, then there really isn’t anything else to discuss.”
“I’m happy to help you pack. If France is more important, why would I want to go there? You already know I’m miserable. I’m not going to do that. I gave you four years there. I fucking hated it. I’m not going back. And I don’t want to hear any more about raising our kids in France. If you want to have a child with me, we’re not raising them in France. Simple as that. I don’t want to hear about it.”
So, the question is, do you think I can get the leadership back after giving it away for so long?
Yeah, you just decide to. Even if it means she storms off and says, “I’m going to France.” It’s like, “You’ll be back. Well, when you miss me, come back.” “If not”, hopefully it won’t. “You won’t try to come back when I’ve already got a new girlfriend. Hopefully it’ll be before then.”
How much time do you think I can take?
Well, it’s that fast. Just like that. I have lesbians that I coach that are not having sex with their girls. And they haven’t had sex in six months, or a year or whatever. I do one phone session, they do what’s in the book, and boom, they’re all over each other that weekend. So, it’s you taking the power back and being the leader.
And if she throws this shit in France, it’s like just a very matter of fact, lovingly, playfully, with your great sense of humor. Just say, “I’m never moving back to France. If you want kids, I’m not raising them in France. If you want to have children with me, we’re going to do it here in Spain.”
“We’re going to take what we’ve already built together these last few years, and we’re going to grow it with kids. If you’re down, that’s wonderful. And if you’re not, then I don’t want to hear anything else about moving to France because it’s not going to happen.”
“In other words, you can go raise your family in France, but I am not going to be your baby daddy, and I’m not going to be your boyfriend anymore. I’m not going back there. And after today, I don’t ever want to hear you bringing up the potential of us living there. We’re just not going to do it.”
“I’m not interested in it. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. That’s how I feel about it. I love you, but if you’re that set on raising kids in France and you need to find a guy in France who wants to have kids with you there, because it ain’t going to be me.”
How much time do you think?
Like I said, it’s instant.
She still treats me badly sometimes and it’s hard to not react emotionally, how would you handle that?
Thanks a lot for all you do,
Use the skills you have. Go with the flow. Diffuse with humor, dude. You’ve done this very well over the last seven years and that’s why she stuck around. And so, when she’s bitchy or she’s cranky, use humor, tease her about it. Ask her what’s on her mind, open her up, if she’s mad that you don’t want to live in France and have kids.
He’s like, “Well, I understand, but you got to understand where I am. I’m not going to move there and be miserable. You don’t want your baby daddy to be miserable. I wouldn’t be a good father if I’m living in France and being miserable, would I? I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend being miserable. Right?” Exactly. You’re either in or you’re out.
“You’re either digging the fun bus here in Spain, or I can help you pack, and you can go on down the road.” That’s what I would do. You’re not going to be angry or dick about it. It’s very playfully, very matter of factly, jokingly, “This is what I want. I’d love to build a family with you here, but I understand if that doesn’t, you’re not down with that.”
And then let the chips fall where they may. More than likely, she’ll probably stay with you. She followed you back to Spain. After all, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, it means they voted for you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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