How a woman tests you to see what you are made of, your level of confidence and how they use testing to separate the real men from the boys.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who shares some things she says and does on her dates with men to determine what kind of men they are, and if they are worthy of her time and romantic interest. She is in her forties, divorced and a single mom. She describes how my work has helped her to understand why she has always been attracted to certain men and repulsed by others.
She has always been told that she is an alpha female by others, which used to bother her, but now she embraces it. She asks my opinion on what she can do to better spot men who embody the principles that my book teaches. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Hi Coach Corey Wayne,
I am a 41-year old, single, divorced mom with a great career, my own house and am able to provide for my 3-year old daughter. After 16 years of marriage, I found myself single. I took 2 years to focus on myself, which was great, and am now on the dating scene.
I’ve always been told that I am an alpha female. At first, this used to bother me, but now I embrace it.
(Well, it’s definitely a compliment to you.)
Having said that, I am also very traditional when it comes to male/female relationships. I love to cook and keep a clean home. I also like to have my man’s back through great times and bad times.
(A lot of women struggle with this, especially when they’re in their career. They’re in their masculine in order to excel in their career, but when they get home at night, it’s hard for them to take off that masculine armor, flip back into their feminine energy and be more womanly.)
I don’t have issues getting asked out on dates, and in fact, some of my friends have told me that they’ve never seen any one person get asked out as often as I do. However, I don’t serial date and really do want something substantial.
I have learned more about myself through your eBook and website than I have with other female-specific dating coaches. I’m finally understanding why I’m attracted to some men, while I’m completely turned off by others.
(The average woman doesn’t understand what she’s attracted to. She’s got an idea of what she’s supposed to be attracted to, because that’s what society says, but when you actually look at the characteristics of the guys they date and are in a long term relationships with, versus the guys they blow off and friend-zone, it’s usually the opposite of what they say they want.
You can see, when the average guy asks for advice, she goes into “I don’t want to hurt his feelings” mode and says things hoping he’ll figure it out, but it really often just leads to him being more confused than anything.)
Here are two things I do on dates to test these men that I thought might be of interest to you:
1. When a man sets a day, time and place, I automatically agree. Once I arrive, I typically suggest that we try another place down the road. I do this to see if they will stand their ground and say something like “let’s just stay here.”
(If you really want to go to a place, you’ve thought out where you want to meet, because it’s a cool place, and you’re looking forward to being there, then you’re like, “Well, let’s just get a drink here and see how it goes. We’re already here now.” That’s how I would approach it. If she’s got a better idea, then say “Let’s go check it out.”
The average guy who doesn’t know any better will go into super pleaser mode and say, “Okay. Well, let’s go down the street.” He’s doing it because it’s what she wants to do, not because he thinks it’s a great idea, and that’s what she’s looking for.
She’s looking for a guy that stands up for what he believes in, not a dude that’s a fucking doormat, a pleaser or a guy that wants to wait on her hand and foot and be her butler, because that dude’s never going to stand up for himself. He’s never going to say what he really thinks, and therefore, because he’s not saying, speaking and doing what he really wants, she can’t really trust his masculine core. She doesn’t know what she’s working with.
Men who are sure of themselves make a woman feel confident and safe. Guys who are indecisive or pleasers are weak by nature. If they’re in any real physical danger, deep down inside, they’re going to be wondering, “Is he going to defend me, or is he just going to haul ass and leave me to defend myself?”)
2. When a man sets a day, time and place at a sports bar, I automatically agree. Within 1 drink and conversation, I suggest we play darts, shuffle board, bowl or shoot pool.
(That’s interesting, because these are things I suggest in my book. From a guy’s perspective, it enables you to have some physical interaction. You can be playful and have fun, occasionally treat her like the bratty sister, 90% of the time you’re the charming James Bond, and 10% of the time you’re messing with her a little bit. Plus it gives her the ability to touch you or punch your arm playfully.
When the touching starts, as a guy, you’re going to escalate that a little further. Be playful have fun. The idea is to be ridiculous. It’s not to be serious, because let’s face it, life is difficult enough as it is. We all have enough challenges in the workplace and our lives, and when you go on a date, you want to escape and be with someone you can laugh with.
Obviously in this situation, when you’re doing physical things together, it creates the conditions where touch is happening. The bottom line is, touching leads to heavy petting. Heavy petting leads to kissing. Kissing leads to let’s go to someplace more quiet or intimate, so the seduction can continue.)
It’s not about the game itself, but I like to see what their competitive side is like, and how they deal under pressure.
(So if you’re the type of guy who, when you play golf with your buddies, takes strokes off your score card, you’re playing darts with a girl, and you’re trying to claim points that really aren’t yours, it’s going to reveal some things about your character. She wants to see how a guy deals under pressure.
If a guy is deeply insecure about himself, then she whips his ass and teases him about it, and instead of smiling and laughing it off like it doesn’t fucking bother him, it gets under his skin and she can tell it’s making him angry, do you think she’s going to feel more safe with that guy? Or do you think she’s going to pull back a little bit, and start putting her walls up a little more? It’s very, very important not to lose your shit.)
It gives me huge insight, and by just doing these two things, has helped me gauge which man will be a better fit for me. I forget which chapter in your book covers this, but you are absolutely right… it’s not about whether the man sets the date or even brings flowers. It’s so much more than that; it’s about what their demeanor is like, and how comfortable they are with their physical space.
(In other words, do they get butt hurt if they’re losing, if you’re kicking their ass in pool? If so, it’s going to be very hard for them to get a second date.)
My question for you is the following: what advice do you have for alpha females to better spot men that have these male substantial qualities?
(Obviously, reading the book and knowing it backwards and forwards so you know the traits to look for. Remember, we make decisions based upon our emotions, and we use logic and reason to justify our decision. It often happens when you find somebody, and you’re really attracted in them. You see those red flags popping up that show their undesirable characteristics, but because you’re really into that person, you make excuses for them, thinking you can change them, just because you’re so awesome.
What I’ve come to realize is, everything you do gives off a vibration. Your outer world tends to be a reflection of your inner world. How you perceive yourself, how you put yourself out into the world, determines the kinds of people you will attract. They will be on the same wavelength. That’s why I place such a huge emphasis on becoming the kind of person you want to attract.
The beauty of the universe is, when you have a blind spot, a weakness, or a part of your life you need to place more attention on than you have been, the universe will bring somebody into your life who’s really going to test that chink in your armor. You’re going to attract exactly how you act. If you’re in a stressed state, you’re going to attract women to date, friends in your life, and you’re going to attract clients into your life that are really going to challenge your ability to remain in a peaceful and relaxed state.
Remember, we’re always going to do our best work when we’re relaxed or chilled out. That’s something that should always be in the back of our minds when we’re building our life or lifestyle. You want to have it full of people who add to calmness, feeling a sense of peace and not feeling stressed out, because when you tolerate those people in your life, guess what? What you observe, you participate in.
If you tolerate the kind of people in your life that bring stress into your life, you’re actually communicating to the universe that you want more of that. And the universe will definitely provide, based on where you’re at vibrationally.)
I personally don’t care what kind of job the man has, as long as he is confident, comfortable with his physical space, can step up when needed and is steadfast with his decision-making process. Oh, he should be a great kisser too!
(It’s about creating the kind of life and lifestyle and becoming the kind of person that’s going to attract that kind of guy you want in your life. Are you somebody who’s confident? Are you somebody who’s comfortable with your physical space? Are you somebody that takes care of things when needed? Obviously, with anyone who is an alpha male or an alpha female, when something needs to get done in their lives, they do it. The alpha handles it and takes action, and the beta doesn’t.
Think about your friendships, the people you spend your time with. If you’re a high achiever, but most of the people you spend your time with are low achievers, you’re communicating to the universe that you’re okay with that vibration, and the universe is going to send you more people like that.
It’s been said, you’re going to become like the five people you spend most of your time with, so you’ve got to be very careful who you allow into your inner circle and who you spend your time with. Whatever the vibe is that those five people are giving off, that’s exactly what you’re going to get more of in life.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most men do not realize women are constantly testing their strength and worthiness to determine if they are confident and alpha or indecisive and beta. Men and women are both naturally and biologically attracted to the most dominant members of the opposite sex. The more beautiful you are, the happier your are, the better your body is, the more outgoing and confident you are, and the more successful you are in getting what you want in life, the more members of the opposite sex are going to find you desirable and attractive. Humans are literally hardwired to seek out the best mates with the best genes, because they will produce the strongest offspring that will eventually survive to adulthood, procreate and pass on the family genes. Seek to make your body and your life the best you can be in order to attract the best quality mates.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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