How to get a woman to choose you over the other guy she is dating, so she wants a relationship with you instead.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He’s been friends with this girl in his mutual group of friends for 3 years. She had a boyfriend until earlier this year when they broke up. A mutual friend told him that she liked him, and they eventually started sleeping together on these group trips. They only see each other every 4-6 weeks when their group gets together. However, she is also now seeing another guy casually who she seems to want to lock down, but he’s not interested.
The guy who writes in wants to know how to get her to choose him over the other guy she is trying to lock down. He’s tried locking her down, but she doesn’t want to. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He knows there’s another dude and he’s like, “Do I give her an ultimatum? Do I cut her off? Say no more sleeping together unless you’re only with me, or something like that?” Because he obviously wants to make sure she chooses him over the other guy. She’s trying to lock the other guy down, and he doesn’t want that. And this guy is trying to lock her down, and she doesn’t want that. So, how do you flip the script?
First let me start off by saying I’m a big fan of you and your work, and I’ve read How To Be a 3% Man several times now.
My scenario/question for you is as follows:
I’ve been friends with this girl for about 3 years, and while I’ve always found her physically attractive, pursuing her in a sexual/relationship type manner never really crossed my mind.
Come on. You thought about it.
For the sake of the story, I’ll refer to her as Ashley. Ashley and I were fairly close friends and were part of a tight friend group of about 8 people, (guys and girls). Furthermore, for most of the 3 years I knew her, she was in a relationship.
Earlier this year in April, her and her current boyfriend at the time were on the rocks and on their way to a breakup after 2 years.
Oh, that’s a tragedy.
I thought nothing of it…
Come on. You thought a little bit about it. You thought, “I’m going to get my chance.”
…and only wished the best for her as a friend.
“Hey, can I interest in you in some rebound sex? Give me a call if you ever need it.”
Shortly thereafter, her best friend who I am also friends with approaches me to tell me that Ashley has always had a thing for me…
…and that she’s always found me attractive.
Ding! Attraction is not a choice.
Like I said, I never thought of her in this way…
…and never picked up on these signals from her.
Well, I believe that, because most guys don’t know what to look for.
Perhaps because she was in a relationship.
Well, for those of you that have read “3% Man,” you know what to look for – playing with her hair, exposing her neck, touching your arm, always being near you, accidentally bumping into you, asking you personal questions, looking into your eyes a little too long.
Anyway, after several nights of going out together, (in a group), we eventually slept together.
This was an eye-opening experience to me, as I saw her in a different way…
Obviously. You saw her naked.
…and knew there was something there between us worth pursuing.
Well, see how easy that is. The girl likes you. Just like I talked about in the book. The doors start opening, and all you’ve got to do is walk through them. This is what you want.
I think she felt the same way because she told me so. I knew she had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, so I didn’t want to push things too hard. After seeing her again a few months later, we slept together again, however this time she also told me that she was casually seeing another guy as well.
Ooh! Competition. In these situations where there’s another dude, this is why it’s so important, especially in this scenario, to go slightly slower than she is. Because if she’s got two guys, she’s got all of the leverage. And as a woman, she’s got to determine who the most masculine, dominant guy is. And we all know that it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
And so, with that in mind, pursuing hard, somebody like this, especially if she’s out of a breakup recently, she’ll tend to back off. And the guy that’s paying less attention, she’ll start to wonder more about him and be more open to him and less open to the guy who’s kind of the sure thing and makes it really super easy for her. So, in these cases, you have to let the woman come to you at their pace. You just have to. You pursue too hard, and you’ll see in a second it really sounds like she’s digging the other guy a little bit more, especially if she’s trying to lock the other dude down and he doesn’t want to.
We see each other every 4-6 weeks, and it usually ends in us sleeping together, but she won’t commit to me, on account of this other guy.
So that tells me he’s focused on locking her down to a commitment. But again, he’s new to the work. And, obviously, he should not be doing that. It should be her idea. I’d be looking at it as like, “Hey, we’re going to see each other every 4 to 6 weeks.” Like I said, maybe you guys are all flying there, you’re traveling, you’re driving several hours, you don’t live close to one another. I don’t know what the story is behind the group. But for whatever reason, you’re not getting together.
I mean, does she reach out to you in between getting together? If she does, you should also be inviting her to come see you. But with another guy in the picture, I would not be calling and texting and trying to pursue her, because, we’ll get to this in a second in the email, and you’ll see that she’s trying to lock the other guy down. So, for him to pursue her more when she’s trying to lock some other guy down, that’s actually going to put him in a weaker position of leverage, and she’ll lose interest in him.
But if this guy that wrote the email starts dating other women, and some of the members of the group hear about some of the other girls he’s been hanging out with, it’s going to completely change this girl’s attitude towards him. And so, what this tells me is he has communicated that he likes her more than she likes him. Obviously, the other guy she’s trying to lock down is not as into her. And that’s why she’s really going after him, trying to get his attention.
I know she likes me, but I also think she likes this other guy more.
So, this is the important thing…
He’s pretty standoffish towards her and won’t commit to her.
There you go. So, she really wants to lock this other guy down. I don’t know where he came from, but somewhere in between the first time they hooked up and since then, she’s become more attracted to this other guy. I mean, I could just tell from the mindset and the things he’s revealing here, this other guy, he’s just hanging out, having fun and hooking up and wants nothing to do with the relationship. He’s like, “No, thanks.” She’s trying to lock him down. Scarcity creates value.
This guy that wrote the email has probably been pursuing her a little hard. That’s why it makes it easy for her. She’s always going to go towards the other guy. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Just another confirmation, there it is. I didn’t make women this way. This is just the way they are. I’m just the messenger, just giving you a little intel.
I know I need to back off and give her space.
So, he knows he’s over pursuing. He’s starting to recognize it.
But it’s also difficult as we have a lot of mutual friends who I enjoy hanging out with.
“It’s difficult.” So, basically what he’s saying is, “It’s really hard. I’ve been over pursuing, I know it. I know I need to give her space, but I’m not.” And so, that’s his excuse, “Oh, we’ve got to these mutual friends.” You have to let women come to you, especially when there’s another dude and the ex. Because you don’t know what’s going on with the ex. He could be trying to come back in the picture. You just don’t know. But you have to let women, in this situation especially, come to you at their pace. And this guy is pursuing too much.
Perhaps an ultimatum of no more sleeping together/hooking up…
I wouldn’t do that.
…unless we’re together is the way to go here, but I’m not sure.
No, you absolutely do not want to do that. Because, I will tell you, she will stop sleeping with you and keep sleeping with the other guy, trying to lock him down.
What is the best way to approach this situation?
Well, as the book says, a man’s job in the courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. The other guy that she’s trying to lock down is obviously doing that. He’s going, “Oh, I don’t want a relationship.” It just reminds me of Jimmy Stewart’s character in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” He’s like, “I’m not interested in marriage, and that old broken down house at the end of the street, and babies. I’m getting the hell out of this town.” He wants nothing to do with it. And the girl’s like “But, George,” and he’s like, “Oh, Mary. Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary,” He couldn’t help himself.
Eventually, in the end, he was enchanted too much by her beauty and she got what she wanted. She got the most eligible bachelor in town. And so, you can see the other guy’s like, “I’m not interested in a relationship,” and this girl’s trying to lock the guy down. The dude who wrote the email, he’s pursuing the girl and she’s like, “No, I don’t want to be locked down. I’m seeing this other guy.” He’s like, “I’m going to give her an ultimatum!” Don’t do it. It’s a bad way to go. You’ve just got to let her be.
And, as he says, he knows he needs to back off and give her space. And you also should be dating other women, because that will help. That would definitely help you have a little more swagger and be a little less inclined to put her on a pedestal. Because most guys that don’t know any better, then they go, “Oh shit, there’s another guy in the picture. I better do something to lock her down, or else I’m a loser.” And they try too hard, and they call and text too much, or try to force themselves into her life more than she’s ready for. It’s got to be her idea. It’s always better if a woman thinks that she likes you more than you like her.
One more thing of note: I am one year older than her, and all her exes are usually around 5-7 years older than her.
Whatever. Age is a number. It doesn’t matter.
Two other things I should add. First, I only found your book 3 weeks ago and have read it several times since.
Well, that’s a good start.
I wasn’t aware of your book when this first started. Second, I’ve asked this girl out twice, and she always says the timing for a date isn’t right because of this other guy she’s into.
Well, you’ve asked this girl out twice. You don’t ask her out any more. Don’t call her, don’t text her, don’t do anything. When you see her, hang out, have fun and hook up on your trips. But when you leave, as far as you’re concerned, she’s in the rearview mirror.
But she’s more than happy hanging out with me in a group setting, and it usually leads to her all over me and often sex at the end of the night as well.
Looking forward to your response.
Yeah, you’ve got to let her come to you. And it will help your case if you’re dating other pretty girls and it somehow accidentally gets back to the friend group that, “Oh, Bob has got some cute other girls he’s been hanging out with.” And you never call and you never text this girl, because you’ve asked twice and she’s like, “Oh, it’s not a good time to go on a date right now, because I really like this other guy.” Never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.
But it’s just a casual, friends with benefits type of thing. You could tell he overpursued, tried to force her into a relationship with him, and in reality, she’s pursuing one with some other dude. So, you’ve got to let her come to you at her pace. That’s what I would do. This is a pretty simple case here. But if you learn the material, you’ll see. Because the other guy is doing everything right.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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