How Do I Rebuild Her Trust After Losing Self Control Multiple Times?

How to rebuild trust after losing self-control multiple times.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s lost emotional self-control several times around his girlfriend when he’s been drinking. He says he quit drinking, but his girlfriend says it will be a long time for her to let her guard down again.

She said he would be the perfect guy if he was nicer. Her sister doesn’t like him either. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he’s lost self-control multiple times and it always seems to involve alcohol. So he decided to quit drinking. However, his girlfriend says it’s going to be a long time before she lets her guard down because this has happened multiple times. She said she’s never dated anybody that’s been like this when they drink. So now he’s quit drinking, he’s obviously worried about reestablishing trust and her getting back to where things were. On top of that, her sister doesn’t like him. So he’s got that working against him.

So another reason, I mean, this guy’s been dating for four or five months, this is why it’s important before you meet the friends, the family and you get involved is that you’re exclusive first, which obviously looks like this guy has done that because if you got something like this going on and you just started dating, you’re getting drunk, and you’re doing stupid things, you’re not going to get to the point where you become her boyfriend. So he’s been able to keep it together, but one of the main strength characteristics that women love in men is self-control. Being able to maintain your composure and not lose your shit, basically like this guy did. I mean, I’ve seen it in my own life. There’s just some people that can’t handle alcohol. They just act completely different. They black out, they drink too much, they say inappropriate things, and it’s just better that they they don’t drink. If they continue drinking, they just have a lot of problems and they create unnecessary drama, like in this case, because he’s basically been undisciplined. It’s constant unattractive behavior. That’s why he has to stop it, because if he doesn’t stop it, there’s going to be a time limit on it and eventually she’ll tap out.

So it’s important, especially if he’s worried about re-establishing trust, is that he’s just no longer going to be a person that drinks because he clearly can’t handle it. For those of you guys that do like to drink and you are going to drink, my advice is to drink like a Miller Lite if you’re normal drinking, and then every two beers have like a 12,14 ounce glass of water, because that helps dissolve the alcohol, keeps you hydrated, keeps you from getting hungover or too drunk. If you’re going to go to the beach, Keystone Light in cans is great for that. Same thing, make sure you’re drinking plenty of water. You’ll pee a lot more, but you know, if you drink alcohol, you’re going to be waking up the next day wondering what happened and your girlfriend looking at you like you’re a nut.

So again, it’s just best because part of being a man is you got to keep your shit together. You got to exercise self-control. That includes being disciplined when it involves alcohol or anything else for that matter. Women like guys that are disciplined and calm. If you drink and you lose your shit, well you’re not really calm. Therefore, you’re not being masculine. If you’re being chaotic, which is what it sounds like he becomes when he drinks, he basically acts like an out of control woman. So of course it’s going to ruin the sexual polarity. That’s why it’s so important for him to permanently quit doing that, because if he doesn’t do it anymore, then it doesn’t happen. Then he shouldn’t be looking at it from the, “How can I get her approval?” Which is kind of the way, as you’ll see as I go through his email, it seems like that’s kind of his mindset. “How do I get her approval? How do I win her back?”

At the end of the day, you just got to choose from this point forward to be disciplined. It’s just like when it comes to eating healthy and being fit and in shape. You choose to be disciplined with what you put in your mouth or you choose not to. So in this case, he chooses not to drink just because it creates unnecessary problems with his girlfriend. So he doesn’t want to do anything that’s unattractive unnecessarily. Especially when her sister doesn’t like him. It just makes it easier for the sister or anybody else that doesn’t like him to drive a wedge. So if he cuts out the behavior, it just it ceases to be a problem. If she brings it up, you can laugh about it and say, “Well, obviously I don’t drink anymore. It’s better that way. It’s better for everybody. I like how I am when I’m not drinking,” can be your attitude and your new reality.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about 4–5 months and we recently became official. We have great chemistry and things are smooth when it’s just us.

So I don’t know how new he is to my work, but at the end of the day, if he was following the book to a T, they should have been exclusive by about month two, two-and-a-half. So it seems like it took longer to become official. If it just happened recently and this drinking issue has happened, that would make sense.

So that tells me he was hanging out with her and her friends before they became exclusive. So that’s why it’s just dangerous to do that because especially if her interest is not super high, it could take one or two of these instances and that’s it. You’re totally done. You don’t get another chance. Once she’s in love, you can you can get away with it more, but still, you got to stop the behavior.

The problem is I’ve had 3–4 situations in social settings where I was drinking and became emotionally reactive. I got irritated, made a condescending comment, or withdrew when I felt sidelined. One time I even walked off and left her and our friends.

Every single incident involved alcohol. When I’m sober, I don’t act like that at all.

Well, you should stay sober then. It’s better for you, better for her, better for your relationship. It just looks like alcohol is the negative. Again, I’ve known people, I’ve had friends that are like that. They can’t drink because they just lose their shit. It’s like they turn into a different person.

After the last incident, she told me she’s never experienced this in a relationship and that she thinks I can be “mean” or not very nice at times. She said it will take time for her to let her guard down again. She’s still warm and affectionate now, but I can tell she’s more cautious.

Well, the problem is she doesn’t trust you because she doesn’t know what version of you she’s going to get. That’s why it’s important to be consistent. That’s why it’s important to be disciplined. That’s why what Jocko Willink says so brilliantly, “Discipline equals freedom.” So if you discipline yourself to no longer drink, well then you will have freedom from this being an issue in your relationship at all. Then she’ll be able to relax because you got it under control.

At the end of the day, you had a flaw, you fixed it. You handled it like a man and you don’t ever mess up. Pretty simple. You got to just always stay disciplined. It’s just the way it is. Just like diets, you got to be healthy. You can’t just eat a bunch of crap or else you’re gonna become obese or overweight.

She even outright said, “You’d be the perfect guy if you were nicer.”  

So again, if you turn into an asshole when you drink, don’t drink. It just has to be a permanent state of your life.

On top of that, her sister doesn’t approve of me…

Well, don’t use alcohol and give the sister ammunition to drive a wedge between the two of you. So there’s no positives. Everything is a downside risk when you drink. Obviously, the sister doesn’t like you, so every time you drink, you’re making it worse. You’re making it so your relationship could potentially end.

…And I think these moments are reinforcing that I’m not good for her.

That’s why it’s so essential that you stop. It can happen again.

Though, I do feel her sister is biased since I’ve only met her twice and both times were positive. I’ve decided to stop drinking completely because I see it’s the common denominator.

Well, that’s a good decision.

My question is: How do I rebuild her trust and show consistent emotional control so she sees me as stable and not “mean” going forward?

Bob

Well, if the problem, as you said, is always alcohol, well once you stop using alcohol, the problem is going to go away. So it just needs enough time and enough consistency week in and week out, month after month. So when enough time has passed, it just won’t be happening anymore. So it’ll be a non-issue. If somebody brings it up, you can always laugh about it. It’s like, “Yeah, I’m like apparently a Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to drinking. So I don’t do it. I wised up.”

So again, you just own it. You don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of it. Just be consistent. Again, discipline equals freedom. It’s just like working out. You don’t work out one time. It’s just a lifelong part of who you are. You don’t eat healthy or go on a diet. You just choose to eat healthy as a way of life because you look at what you put in your mouth is what’s supposed to nourish your body so you can have a great quality of life. You should eat to live, not live to eat. Unfortunately, 74% of all Americans are overweight or obese. So you just got to knock it off.

So again, the simple answer going forward is, sounds like you already are off to a great start. You need to keep doing that and be consistent because discipline equals freedom. So your relationship will survive as long as you continue to be disciplined. If you don’t, if you lose discipline, if you drop standard and you go back to it, well you’re going to cause your girlfriend to doubt and back away, and you’re going to give the sister ammunition to convince her to leave you. So again, it’s just too much downside risk. So cut it out.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.