How Long Can A Person Hide Who They Truly Are?

How long a person can hide who they truly are before their real personality comes out.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got into a relationship with a woman he should have never gotten serious with. She was a former drug addict with a truckload of problems, had been in jail and lost her kids because of her personal problems. Eventually he dumped her after almost 3 years. They became friends with benefits for awhile and then when he wanted to get back together she showed a nasty side of her that made him break it off for good. He wonders how she hid that side of her for so long. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How Long Can A Person Hide Who They Truly Are?”

Well, as I discuss in 3% Man, what you typically see in most cases with normal human beings is that, and this is going to happen after you spend a lot of time with them, you start dating, you get to know them. It’s once a person really becomes comfortable, they feel like you know them. They know you. Because when we first meet each other, we always kind of have a mask on. We’re putting our best foot forward. We’re trying to present the best side of ourselves.

So the other person likes us, wants to date us, wants to do business with us, wants to become our friend, whatever happens to be. Because we’re always selling something, we’re selling ourselves. They’re selling themselves to us. And you either are successful at convincing them to buy what you’re selling. Or they’re successful at convincing you why they shouldn’t buy what you’re selling. So this particular email is with a guy he got involved with, a woman who I guess he was dating for about three years. And when he started dating her, she was a former drug addict.

She’d been in and out of jail, and because of her personal problems, she ended up losing custody of her kids and the ability to be a parent. But he says, for the most part, their relationship was fairly good. But, you know, she just had a lot of problems, a lot of issues. And so he ended up breaking things off with her. And then she was nicer to him. They continued hooking up. And then he thought, “you know what? Things are so good. Let’s just go ahead and get back together.” Then after that, she started rubbing another guy in his face and he saw a whole other side of her.

That’s kind of surprising. And he’s going, “How could she have hidden this?” But when you look at her history and then you see how she behaved, it really shouldn’t be a surprise. Because character is destiny. People typically don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of who they are, but they typically don’t change. And this particular woman, another thing that kind of jumped out was that, she had nothing but bad relationships, and every guy she’d ever dated had cheated on her.

And you got to remember, like, attracts like people that like, the same things tend to like each other. People that are constantly dating or get involved with people that are disloyal or unfaithful, typically every relationship is like that. Then obviously on some level, that’s kind of their character as well, because maybe a girl dates a guy, she loves them and trusts them, and then he violates her trust. He cheats on her and then the relationship ends because of that.

And maybe it’s like a one off. Those things are going to happen. But when you talk to somebody and every single person that they’ve always been involved with has always cheated on them, then you have to look at that and go, “well, that’s that person. That’s obviously something they’re doing. They’re saying the vibe they’re giving off, they’re bringing in people that just have low character. They don’t keep their word because that’s in essence what cheating is.”

You made a commitment and then you violated that commitment. You didn’t keep your word. In other words, your word doesn’t mean anything. You’ll say one thing and do another. Typically like what we see politicians doing. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email. Because when I read this and he tells me all these things that were going on with her and her history, I mean, if you want to have a healthy, long term relationship, free of drama and arguments and a woman (who’s not) being difficult, find a girl that loves her Dad, admires her Dad.

Respects her Dad. Respects his authority. He’s masculine. He’s the leader of the household. His Wife respects him. The other Daughters respect him, they treat him with kindness. And when he makes a decision, everybody respects it. Not the type of relationship where the family’s together. And Mom just browbeats the Dad and nags him and complains until eventually he just throws his hands up and says, “whatever. Let’s just do what you want.”

Just to get her off his back. So the more troubled her relationship, or I should say more troubled or non-existent the relationship is with the Father, especially if she hates her Dad. Typically, she’s going to be hell on wheels to date. Because there was nobody there to teach her how to act normal, how to behave like a lady, how to judge other people based on their character and not so much their words.

And like in this case, a woman just comes from a bad background and has a truckload of problems, and then you decide to get involved with her. You can’t say that you didn’t know any better or that she hid this side of her. This should be expected that she kind of turns out this way or behaves this particular way. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m reaching out to better understand what happened at the end of my relationship so I don’t make the same mistakes. I was with a girl for almost 3 years, and although she had really great qualities as she was sweet, caring, and a giver, she also had some extremely rough baggage and lots of trauma.

It’s not your job to fix or to save somebody, or to help them because they had a bad upbringing or a background. Because a lot of guys get involved with these women. And they’re totally taken with their beauty and their sex appeal. And then when they hear about the truckload of problems and the background that she came from, they think, “I can fix this girl, I’m going to save her.” It’s kind of like we all got women that we know that we’ve met over the course of our lives, that are constantly dating the same kind of guy.

“Every guy would be perfect if I could just fix this one thing”, and they go out with dudes that are fixer uppers in essence. The guy might have a lot of great qualities, but he’s got a lot of really negative qualities, and she thinks if she’s just nice and babies him enough and mothers him enough, that she’ll correct that bad behavior because he’s just got such an awesome girl. And it’s not your job to fix somebody, or to change them, or to save them or to solve their problems. You’re looking for somebody that’s on your level.

Somebody that’s ready, willing, able and open to having a relationship. Somebody that has high character, somebody with similar goals, similar values. And if you notice that they don’t have the same values, and if you haven’t dated enough women that knocked your socks off and been in relationships with girls like that, and then the kind of girl you’ve always wanted, always kind of got away from you. You’ll tend to put up with crap from a really hot girl just because of her beauty and her sex appeal, and then make excuses for the other things.

But when you learn to love and value yourself and respect yourself, and you have enough life experience, and you see over and over again that people of low character just kind of always are like that. Then in the future, when you encounter people that tell you about their history, like this woman told this guy, then you kind of know what you’re dealing with and what to expect. Now, it doesn’t mean 100% of everybody is a bad or throwaway person that comes from a difficult background.

But what it does mean, there’s a very high incidence of people that, quite frankly, are just messed up because her parents did a terrible job and our society is full of those people. When you look at the men that are in prison, the overwhelming majority of men in their prison came from single parent households where there was no Dad, or there was no Dad to teach them right and wrong and to chill them out. And so therefore they had no chill. I mean, we see videos on Twitter all the time of people losing their shit in a fast food place and destroying the restaurant or whatever.

After just behaving in a way that is just something that you don’t expect to see. It’s like they’re behaving in a way like society has collapsed almost, and they’re just wrecking shop on these restaurants because their meat wasn’t cooked properly, or it was missing pickles, or they didn’t have any mayo or whatever. They just lose it and destroy somebody’s restaurant and cause a lot of damage and act like they’re entitled to do it with no repercussions. So again, as Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

In the beginning she told me every relationship she’d ever had, she’d been cheated on, beat and abused, she’d been in prison due to being a former drug addict, and she’d had 2 kids that were taken away from her.

So when you hear that, you can feel sympathy, empathy for her. But you have to assume that, that girl is pretty messed up. And if she’s in a fearful state or she’s angry, that’s when the real nasty side of her is going to come out. In other words, when she’s emotionally hijacked, that’s when you’re going to typically see the negative side.

Despite all this I had such chemistry with her that I gave it a chance and fell in love with her.

Captain Save-A-Hoe to the rescue.

While I did see the insecurities show often and the traumas come up, I often helped her through it each time, though, it was a lot of work.

Well, girls are naturally a lot of work. And if you got one that has a truckload of problems like this one. Dude, I have to say you’re kind of a saint for putting up with it. You know, because most normal guys would be like, “ah, check please. I’m going to pass on this one.” So keep in mind all those things that we told you in the beginning. Remember, character is destiny, right?

Fast forward to 2 months ago, after a dangerous encounter she put us in involving the car, I decided to end things.

So what does that mean? Road rage. She decided to play Smash Up Derby again. She’s been cheated on. She’s been physically abused by people that she’s been with in the past, and every relationship was like that. So we have to assume she’s a person of low character of poor character because you are who you associate with. So, if you only associate with liars and cheaters and people that physically harm you.

Well, that again shows that you got no chill. And so he doesn’t really go into detail, but something involved in the car. He’s like, “all right, that’s it. Check please. I’m out of here.” But when we hear the truck load of problems she had in the beginning, it should have never gotten to that point. And so probably things were bad for a while, and then she just kind of totally went over the edge and made a mess of things. And he finally was like, “all right, I got to get out. I’m out. Check, please.” He was tapping out.

Though she was always kind to me, she always made bad and reckless decisions in her life.

Character is destiny.

But this time it affected the both of us and so this encounter was the last straw for me.

So she told him all of her problems and all of her trauma and the bad boyfriends in the past, and the plus the fact that she’d been in prison, lost her kids, and he thought, “I can work with this. Yep. This would be a great girlfriend to have.” And so she endangered both of them. We don’t know what she did. Maybe it was a road rage. Probably has something to do with the fact that she couldn’t chill out. She had no self-control because Dad wasn’t around to do that.

I then was still hooking up with her off and on for a month before deciding I wanted to go back. I was on a trip in the UK so I sent my apology message via text by sending this heartfelt letter saying I’m sorry for breaking it off and that I’d like to work things out, and like to see her in 2 weeks when I’m back.

Well, you shouldn’t be sorry for breaking it off. You basically said, “hey, your bad behavior is my fault.” That’s basically what you said, “It wasn’t anything you did, Honey. It was all my fault for breaking it off. I screwed up because I dumped you. Because you acted crazy or whatever.”

Whatever it was she did. So now what you’re doing is you’re enabling her behavior, which is probably what you’ve been doing from the beginning. And it was so obvious it was going to end this way. It’s not like she hid who she was. It’s like her behavior was consistent. As he said, she consistently made bad decisions.

She was so sweet before and so in love with me, that I just figured she’d respond like her normal self, letting me know when we were able to meet and talk. I was so wrong. Instead, she got very angry at me for no reason.

Because deep down she knew you should have never come back. And then on top of that, you basically said it was your fault for her behavior, which is weakness. So that’s going to piss her off.

And she started posting things with another dude’s band merch shirt on and pics of her ass in her bikini on Instagram to try to invite attention and make me jealous.

Remember, this is a woman who got cheated on by everybody. So now you’re seeing this side of her because you’re not together anymore. And she lost respect for you because you basically blamed yourself for her behavior, which is weakness. You should not be doing that. Men should be holding women accountable. And you just basically said, “hey, it’s not your fault.” You, you know, caused something really bad to happen with her again.

I can only imagine what it was. Maybe it was road rage. Maybe she pulled out a gun and pointed at somebody who knows. We see videos of this stuff when it goes bad all the time on Twitter. But it was so bad he was just like this, you know, “you put us both in jeopardy somehow.” And that should have been the end of it.

Because guys doing that to her and saying I’m out is the kind of thing that maybe when enough good dudes kick her to the curb because of her behavior, she starts to realize, “well, maybe I shouldn’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to change my behavior.” Because if there’s always another dude lining up willing to put up with it, then there’s nobody going to put any checks and balances on her because there’s no consequences for her behavior. She constantly finds one dude after another who will put up with her crap.

I of course got upset and told her that because of these things I was unable to meet with her anymore and that I had to move on for good. She said “she felt the same way” but then she showed up to a places I often go, wearing that same shirt, and then a day or two later started posting a picture in a group with this same dude with his arm around her and one of her friends (I saw on a mutual friend’s story). Again, trying to dig at me and be vindictive.

Yeah, because she didn’t respect you. Because quite frankly, you acted soft. You blamed yourself for her bad behavior. You should have never done that. And that definitely made you look weak.

I’d never seen this side of her trying to hurt me.

Well it was like, “well, what happened in the car? Was that innocent?” I mean, you said, “she made terrible decisions.” Character is destiny. It should have never got this far. When you found out what she was really like. The hanging out, having fun and hooking up. You should have just said, “hey, you’re a great girl, but, you know, we’re not a good match.”

And then you would probably seen the really bad side of her, and she’d have been vindictive back then, but instead you enabled her behavior. You in other words, you said, “despite all this truckload of nonsense and your problems, I think I can work with this.”

I’ve now cut contact completely and will be moving on for good and never look back. I want to ask, was it my apology that made me look weak?

Yeah, definitely. Because you blamed yourself for her behavior. You, in essence said, “hey, it’s not your fault for the break. It was all me.”

Or something and change her attitude, or was she always very vindictive and just hid it for almost 3 years? 

Many thanks,

Bob

Well, again, character is destiny. She’s constantly cheated on. She constantly makes bad decisions. And then whatever happened with the car, probably because of a lack of self-control. The bad side of her came out. So this should not be shocking. It is what it is. But thankfully for you, you are now out of it. Hopefully you don’t go back, because if you go back, you’re enabling her behavior.

So she may continue showing up at places that she knows that you hang out hoping to sway you or get you to change your mind. But, you should have believed her the first time she told you all this stuff. So it’s not like she hid it. She just didn’t have a reason to really blow things up. But the fact that she’s rubbing another man in your face and trying to make you jealous when she’s been cheated on by every guy that she’s ever been with, well, probably because she was lying and cheating as well and rubbing other dudes in their faces.

So, none of this is surprising. When you hear a woman’s background like she told you her background was. That should have been like, “hey, well, it’s been great meeting you. I wish you all the best.” Because you got to be man enough and smart enough and have enough self-control to go, “Sometimes the juice is not worth the squeeze.” In this case, it definitely was not.

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