How Men Become Soft In Relationships Over Time

How and why men become soft in their relationships over time, which leads to avoidable drama and problems.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is exclusive and in love with his girlfriend, who is also in love with him due to what he learned from my work. However, there are several things she presses him on that she is bothered by, says she doesn’t like, but still goes along with it. It’s creating friction in their relationship, and he’s unsure of how to handle it consistently.

It perfectly illustrates how and why men unknowingly become soft, compliant and weak the longer they are in a relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

He’s got several things that his woman is kind of giving him grief on. They’re experiencing a little bit of friction in their relationship, and he’s done a good job of opening her up and talking to her and discussing her concerns. But what you see is, I mean, it’s still early in the relationship, but how over many months and years or decades, the longer you’re with somebody, as a man, if you’re not completely sure or certain of yourself and you’re displaying weakness or in decisiveness or you’re just not 100% certain, what happens is guys just become soft.

I actually had, Dr. D’Anna of BeSimplyWell.com and his wife Ashley here over the weekend, and we talked about that. And what’s funny is that Ashley is seven and a half months pregnant now, and Dominick’s got a small little belly. I was joking, teasing him like he’s got a little bit of a baby bump himself, and he’s like, “I haven’t worked out in a year.” And then Ashley stopped working out as well.

They’ve been together, I think, about four years total. And so, we were talking about that. When you’re single, it’s easy to want to take care of yourself and look good and feel good. But when you’re in a relationship with somebody, it’s like, “Oh, let’s skip working out today.” And that’s why it’s really important if you’re going to be in a relationship with somebody, that they have the same values when it comes to health and fitness.

Because if you’re very fit and healthy, and the person you’re dating wants nothing to do with it and constantly is looking for excuses to weasel out of working out and dating, and say you’re a guy that’s fit and healthy and you get into a relationship with a woman is very attractive, but she doesn’t like to work out, what’s going to happen over many months, many years, especially if you have a few kids, you just can’t help but become like her.

And so it’s really important as a man to be disciplined and have rituals and choose very carefully who you get into a relationship with. Because if you get in a relationship, if you’re fit and healthy with somebody who is the exact opposite of that, I mean, it happened to me years ago. I had a girlfriend who, when I met her, she looked amazing, was into health and fitness. And then as I got to know her, her idea of health was walking on the treadmill once or twice a week for 10 or 15 minutes.

And it’s kind of funny, now I look at her, she’s gotten married, she got pretty fat. She became overweight. I knew that and I saw that at the time, but I remember when we were together, it’s like, it just happens over many months. You’re together, excuses come up and you’re laying in bed together, “Okay, we’ll go work out tomorrow.” And then months go by and you’re like, “Man, I haven’t been to the gym.”

And I remember one time, she’s like, “You’re a fatty.” Like, my pants were getting a little tight. I was like, “What the hell?” And so, she just didn’t have the same kind of values. And, like I said, when we met, she looked amazing, but just because of where she came from, there were lots of hills in the city. She did a lot of walking up and down the hills, and so she was just naturally going to have amazing body with amazing curves. But the longer we were together, it’s like they just work on you constantly.

And then, we were eating meals at 11, 12 o’clock at night, great home cooked meals, but throwing in some carbs there, you eat a big meal, and then you go to bed. Three or four months of that, it’s like 10, 15 pounds will come on just like that. So, it happens. This is why it’s really important to make sure you get into a relationship with somebody that has the same goals, has the same values, especially. Otherwise, they’re just going to wear you down and you’ll become soft over time.

Because guys are like, “Oh, I just don’t want to listen to her complain. I don’t wanna deal with the silent treatment. I don’t want to deal with her being angry.” And then, they become a pleaser. It’s one little thing here, one little thing there, and you take that over several decades and then it’s easy to see why people balloon up nicely, just don’t take care of themselves and don’t have very a good relationship. It happens slowly over time.

You’ve got to remember, women are always testing your strength. They’re always looking for the chink in the armor. And people tend to do more to avoid pain than they do to gain pleasure. Like I said, it happens to all of us. It has happened to me before. You’ll see, Dominick and Ashley, we spoke the whole weekend about these different things, because they both struggle with it. Ashlely has always been into yoga and very healthy. But, hey, now they’re a married couple, they’ve got a baby on the way. It happens.

But the key is to not let it become a permanent state of mind. Otherwise, you end up supersizing yourself and then your kids are going to follow that example. That’s the harsh reality. The interesting thing is 74% of Americans are either obese or overweight. I was like, that’s horrendous. That’s a horrendous figure.

Being a disciplined man goes a long way, and it helps you hold your lady accountable. You don’t want a fixer-upper. You don’t want somebody that doesn’t have the same values as you and they fight you on it. They’re like, “I don’t want to work out. I don’t have any desire to.” If you’re a healthy person, I wouldn’t suggest getting into a relationship with somebody that has absolutely no desire to work out or take care of themselves, because it just shows a total lack of self-love and self-respect. That’s the harsh reality.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

The girl and I are exclusive and madly in love with each other, all thanks to you. I can confidently say she is 10/10 in love with me. I’d like to share with you an interesting situation I am in and need your opinion on it. Her words contradict your lessons, but also contradict her own.

Well, you’ve got to remember, if you’re vacillating or if you’re unsure of yourself, women are going to test you. But they’re always going to test your resolve. If you display any kind of softness, they’re going to test you. That’s why humor is such an important part of a good, healthy relationship, as well as good, healthy friendships.

Good friends are people to whom you can speak aloud, break each other’s balls, mess with each other, laugh and tease each other. My close friends are all like that. Even my family, we’re always busting on each other. We’re always ripping on each other, always having a good time. And that’s the important thing. Because there’s enough hard things going on in life, you’ve got to find a way to not take yourself too seriously, or life too seriously, and find a way to laugh and be playful.

Something was troubling her, and I could see it from her face. I worked to pull the info out of her, and she told me the following.

• It bothers her that she’s only seeing me based on my schedule.

Well, remember when women are in love, they want your attention all the fucking time. And if you’re not able to spend as much time with her as you’d like, because obviously they’re dating, they’re probably not living together yet and not married, so looking at that, you shouldn’t take it as something to get upset about or angry or justify. Just understand that what she’s really trying to communicate is she wants more of you.

When women are in love, they want your attention all the fucking time, constantly. And so, if she sees that your schedule gets in the way of her spending time with you, it typically will come out as complaining. So, it’s not something you get to butt hurt or upset about or rationalize it away. Take it as a compliment that she wants to see you as much as she can.

But you can’t compromise and start leaving work early and sacrificing your performance at work or at your business to please your girlfriend or wife, because then that’s going to affect your career and your income. And that’s going to cause you to not feel balanced and stable. And then, when you don’t feel balanced and stable, it’s going to be harder to be centered around her, especially when you’re having a bad day and she’s breaking your balls about not spending enough time with her.

I then told her I don’t think she would be in love with me if I was a person who would always clear my schedule to spend time with her. She agreed. 

Yeah. The key is just to understand that she wants to spend more time with you. Now, guys that are in long term relationships where when they get into these conversations and they’re not making time for her, they’re not dating her, they’re not doing family things with the kids, “You’re never home, you never spend time with us,” it goes on for months and years. And then eventually, she gets tired of it, because he’s not showing up, and then she leaves, she goes and gets a divorce attorney, he always seems to make time for the divorce attorney. Because the courtship never ends.

It’s good, it’s a good sign that she’s complaining that you don’t spend enough time. But at the end of the day, a man’s purpose and mission comes first and foremost. It’s just like the guy that has to go off to war. That’s what he signed up for. He has to do his duty. Even though she wants him to stay because it’s safe, she respects him more as a man because he does his duty.

• It bothers her that I make all the decisions and planning.

Well, that’s the man’s role as the leader.

• She’s bothered that when we hang out, I usually have a planned time to leave and she doesn’t want to, but I insist that we do.

She probably wants a little bit more spontaneity. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you start leaving things up in the air and not nailing down plans, then what you’ll find is then she’ll start doing things with other people.

• I then asked her if she would prefer to be with a man who gets her to make all the decisions. She said, “No, I don’t want a man who can’t make his own decisions.”

So, maybe on your day off, if you guys are laying in bed together, instead of having everything planned out that you’re going to do over the whole weekend, just do something fun and spontaneous.

• She tells me it bothers her that I don’t call her. I tell her we always have dates set up, so I prefer to meet instead of talking on the phone with her.

I would just say, “Babe, this is the 21st century. It’s not 1950 anymore. If you want to talk to me, you should text me or call me. And I’m not always going to be available, but quite frankly, when I see your name pop up on my phone, it always makes me smile. It makes me happy, I feel joy in my heart. It warms my heart because you’re my joy. So if you miss me, send me something sweet.”

But here’s the interesting thing about that. If she’s constantly complaining about it and starting to get angry about it, then what I typically tell guys to do is surprise her in a different way, whether it’s a random phone call or an email or a card that you mail to her or something. A little love letter that you write and you put it in her purse.

Just once a week, do something different, where you reach out and just let her know that you care about her or you were thinking about her. But don’t do the same thing every week, because then it becomes a ritual that you start to resent. You want things to be fun, spontaneous and unpredictable.

I told her that she is now in love with me because of how I’ve led the relationship. So, I’m going to continue leading the relationship to ensure we both stay madly in love with each other.

Well, the infatuation is going to wear off after six to twelve months. That’s the reality. But if you care and she cares about you, you’ll continue to court her and make dates. But obviously, the feelings of euphoria that you have, that always wears off after a while. And that’s why it’s important to make sure you’re with somebody that you actually like hanging out with and that you want to listen to what she has to say and being around her is not like nails on a chalkboard.

Whenever we meet, she’s always holding my hand, always telling me she loves me, and we are always kissing and making love with each other. If she ever leaves the room, I never ever chase her, and she always comes back to my lap like a kitty cat, always wanting my attention.

That’s perfect.

I’ve listened to your audible 9 times and I’m on the 5th reading of your book now, along with books like “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” “The Way of the Superior Man,” some red pill books. Although some of the red pill books take it to an extreme in my opinion.

Yeah, a lot of those dudes in the red pill community are fucking toxic and they’re wounded little boys, and they’re pissed off at women and they’re looking for validation for their model of the world. And so, they judge and say all women are the same, but they don’t really do anything to improve their ability to prequalify or pre-screen the women. If you believe all women are the same, guess what? All women are the same, and you’re going to keep attracting the same kind of women.

So, if you’re not happy with the kind of women you’ve dated in the past or been with in the past, you’ve got to look at what you’re doing to attract them into your life. I mean, at the end of the day, you’re deciding to go out on dates with them. You’re deciding to spend time with them. You’re deciding to invite them into your bedroom and into your life. And if they turn out to be a bad match for you, well, that’s on you. And as a man, you’ve got to take personal responsibility for it.

“The Rational Male” is quite a decent book.

Yeah, I think “The Rational Male” is a good book and every man should read it, but it shouldn’t become your fucking religion. Because the reality is, talking about hypergamy, everybody wants to date up. Every guy wants to date a hotter girl than most people would think they deserve to be with, and vice versa. All women want to be with the best guy that they can get.

We’re both biologically driven to mate with the most dominant members of the opposite sex, because they’re going to produce stronger offspring, better kids. And better kids will have a better chance of surviving to adulthood and reproducing themselves, thereby passing on the family genes. Way too many people get wrapped up in “The Rational Male” book, and they’re fucking bitter as hell.

I see them on my YouTube channel all the time, and they’re just dicks. If I have one of my girls on, friends on, family on, just the comments. Any time I answer an email from a woman, they take it as an opportunity to talk shit and belittle women. They want to get women under their thumb, because they don’t feel good about themselves. And you don’t build yourself up by tearing other people down. That’s like Self-Help 101.

And so, I don’t really have any respect for people that go and have these channels and write books, and all they do is cry about women and single moms. It’s like, dude, look in the fucking mirror, pussies, seriously. Take extreme ownership of your life, like Jocko Willink says.

Everything that’s in your life, it’s there because you attracted it through your actions or the level and tenor of your thoughts. That’s what self-reliant men do. They say, “Hey, I fucked up. I shouldn’t have gotten serious with that girl. But you know what, I’m going to learn from it and I’m going to do better next time around. When I see those red flags, I’m not going to ignore them.”

Did I handle the situation well enough? If not, what would your advice be?

Thank you, coach! Can’t wait for your response.

Bob 

Well, I’d say you did a pretty good job. I just I gave you a little bit of critique on each thing. The important thing is to remember to be fun and playful, be a little more spontaneous. Don’t be so ritualistic about everything. But keep in mind also, especially like the comment that she was making about everything’s all planned out, it just means to be more spontaneous. But don’t just start leaving all your plans up in the air, because if you do that, you’re going to start getting jerked around and that becomes irritating as well.

She needs to respect and value your time, and right now she does. And so, it’s important to set and enforce healthy boundaries. Explain to her what you expect. If you’re a very busy professional and you’ve got a busy life of friends and family and other people you’ve got to spend time with as well, in addition to her, then she’s going to have to be cool with you planning most things out.

Because most of my life is planned out. My appointments and things of that nature, I can’t just fly by the seat of my pants. But typically on the weekends, I like to be a little more easygoing, have times that I get together with people and hang out. And then what we do a lot of times is kind of spontaneous stuff. The plan is to have a good time, to have fun and to try to learn something.

So, if you’ve got a question or challenge in your personal or professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

You can read “How To Be A 3% Man.” I highly recommend you read this 10 to 15 times to really learn it. This guy has been through it, I think, four or five times, It’s a good start, but a lot of guys fuck up when they go, “Hey, things are going great. I don’t need to read this anymore.” And then a year or two down the road after they’ve had a breakup and then they start reading the book again, they’re like, “Oh shit, I should have listened to Corey.”

Also, you can read “Mastering Yourself,” my second book. It’s a book about self-reliance in the members area of my website. And then, obviously, the third book that just came out a few months ago, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” is available everywhere.

“Women are always testing a man’s strength to see if they are strong enough to love and support them, for their own reassurance and comfort that the men still care. Acts of love, appreciation and giving should be sweet and spontaneous, not become robotic rituals of resentful obligation with no heart or love behind them. Men must always be consistent, disciplined and reliable. When they are not, they become indecisive and vacillate between being masculine and feminine. When men are inconsistent, women don’t trust their masculine core or their leadership, causing them to feel unsafe. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses. Alpha males have bad days, but they do not make it a habitual way of life or where they live emotionally. Strong men always find a way to recover, grind and move forward when things go sideways.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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