How Often Should You Praise & Compliment Your Girlfriend?

How often you should praise and compliment your girlfriend or show emotions of how you feel about her.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 2 years. He’s read 3% Man 4 times and listened to the audiobook 9 times. For the past 9 months, he’s been dating a woman who knocks his socks off. She’s in love, doing most of the pursuing, and texts him frequently that she misses him. She’s really sweet towards him.

His question is, how often should he compliment and praise her and show his emotions about how he feels about her without overdoing it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

He asks, how much should he talk about his emotions and how much he cares about her or how much he feels about her? This is discussed in the book. If you get a group of women together, and you tell them that 3 to 4 times that they say, I love you or compliment you, you should compliment them maybe once, most women will probably go, “Oh, I don’t agree with that. It should be 50/50.” But the reality is it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

Now, it doesn’t mean that you turn yourself into a cold fish, but if you understand how women are, they are literally designed to enchant and get the attention of us guys, or the masculine essence, if you will. All you have to do is look at how they try on 20 different pairs of shoes or 30 different outfits before a date. They spend forever getting their makeup and their hair done and their nails done. And when you go shopping with them, they want to spend all day shopping and trying on 30 different outfits, and they may buy one piece of clothing. They want to enchant us men, and pull us into their world, and get our attention and validation.

And when you give them too much attention and validation, too much of a good thing in anything in life typically gets under appreciated. We appreciate what we have to work for, and it’s especially true when it comes to women and compliments and attention. Because feminine energy does grow through praise. The key is it should be sparingly. So, I would say, like I talked about in the book, for every 3 to 4 compliments she gives you or 3 to 4, I love yous, you give her one back. If she complains, give her a little bit more of it. Because when she’s complaining, it’s a good thing. It means she cares. If she doesn’t complain, then typically it means she doesn’t care that much.

So, the fact that she’s giving you more attention and validation and is constantly having to seek it, even though she may complain about it sometimes – just something simple like “give me attention” or “I want your attention” – are the kinds of things that you will hear from your girl. So, that means that she wants it. It doesn’t mean you argue with her. Because a lot of guys make the mistake of, “Hey, I just took you away for the weekend,” “I just took you to a bed and breakfast last week,” or “We just went on vacation three weeks ago.” When you say those things, and she’s complaining about something that you’re not doing, and you’re telling her, “Well, I did this in the past,” all she’s trying to communicate is, “Right now, in the present moment, I’m not feeling your presence. I want to feel you. I want you to be present with me. I want you to compliment me. I want to feel loved by you. I want to feel like you care about me.” And so, you just take it as feedback in the moment.

Because the only thing that matters is what women are saying to you and doing to you right now. It doesn’t matter what they did last week, or yesterday, or six months ago. Whatever they’re saying to you and complimenting you or not in the present moment is a reflection of how they feel right now. Women’s emotions and feelings change like the weather, and most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. They’re just constantly in flux, like Mother Nature is in flux. Because feminine energy is chaos, after all. And as a man, you want to be unperturbed by the chaos. You are the mountain, you are the rock. She comes to you. The wind, when it blows, Mother Nature, the storms, the sleet, the snow, when it hits the mountain, does the mountain move? No, It goes around the mountain, over the mountain, near the mountain, down below, in the valleys.

So, it’s important to create the conditions where she can do that. You don’t want to be a cold fish, like I said, but it’s always going to be better if she’s doing it more than you are. If she gives you three compliments, three I love yous, you may tell her once, “I love you.” And you might not just pare it back from “I love you.” You might say, “I really like you a lot. I like you super duper times infinity,” or whatever. The key is to be playful, to give a compliment back, but in your own way, in your own words that communicates that you care.

And everybody watching this knows somebody where the dude is constantly saying, “I love you” and doing nice things for his girlfriend or his wife, and it’s just simply not reciprocated, because she doesn’t care. But where this guy is, you’ll see in his email, everything is going great but, again, he’s wondering about that. He doesn’t want to be a cold fish, but he doesn’t want to compliment her and overdo it too much and gush about his feelings. Because we’ve all seen the same movies and the same TV shows and been propagandized by the same media. And what it presents to us, the archetype that it presents to us, is that men are supposed to act like feminine women, and women are supposed to act like masculine, stoic dudes. You see it in TV shows all the time.

And so, when you see that thousands of times over and over from the time you’re a little kid until you grow up, you can’t help but become emotionally anchored to those things. And so, a lot of the work that people do, the guys, especially, when they come to me, is they’re trying to undo all of that societal programming and stuff that’s dysfunctional, it’s not healthy and it’s not accurate. It’s not how things really are in the real world. And I teach you how things really work. And even if you think I’m full of crap, if you apply what’s in the book, you will get the results like this guy is getting.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I have to say that throughout the course of 2 years, your videos and book How to Be a 3% Man have been a huge part of my journey to become the best person I can be.

Oh, one shameless plug here. Even though this first quotes book has been out for two years, I still get people going, “Hey, Coach, when’s your first quotes book going to come out?” I’ve got two of them that are out, just so you know, “Volume I” and “Volume II.” And what everybody loves about these books that they tell me is that the quotes books are like a compilation. They have all of the best qualities of what’s in the first two books, “3% Man” and “Mastering Yourself.” In other words, it ties all of the concepts together.

And this is a great book to read, but it’s also great to have when you’re driving in your car or you’re at the gym. And so, there’s 250 quotes that I’ve written in different articles over the years. And so, I read the quote and then I kind of do a freestyle a little bit, just like I do in these videos. And so, I’ve got two volumes of quotes books that are out, for those of you that are unaware of it. Because I know I don’t often mention those enough.

I am a 23-year-old graduate student and have read your book 4 times and have listened to the audio version at least 9 times (so far).

Keep in mind, this is a pretty good success story. She’s where she needs to be, because he took the time to learn the information. And it sounds like he probably vetted her very well.

Here’s my current situation. For 9 months now, I have been dating a girl that has knocked my socks off. I am letting her do most of the pursuing, and I’m only using the phone to set the next date. She can’t get enough of me. She calls me/ texts me every day and constantly says that she misses me, (attraction level is definitely a 9-10).

There is a chapter in the book titled, “It’s All in the Numbers.” It’s an attraction table, basically. It gives the percentages of what the attraction level is and then the behaviors and things the woman says, so you can always get a good feel of where she’s at and how she feels about you today. It’s important to rate a woman’s interest in you in the present moment, not based upon what she said and did six months ago, because that doesn’t apply. Just like the weather report from yesterday is irrelevant to today’s weather, what a woman said to you three weeks ago about how she feels is only indicative of how she was feeling back then. It’s important to look at where she is right now.

Everything is going great! My question is this. From what I understand, I shouldn’t hold back my feelings.

Yes. Because, as the 12 disciplines of love say, “because fear and hurt imprison the heart, hold nothing back and give your gift.” But you don’t want to drool all over your girl. Because it’s just like, if you buy her a dozen roses every once in a while, once or twice a year, maybe Valentine’s Day or on her birthday, or if she’s a mom for Mother’s Day, they’re really appreciated. But if you get her a subscription to where she gets a dozen roses every day for 365 days, it’s cute for the first week. And then after that, it’s like, what the hell am I going to do with all these damn roses? It goes from me in a really sweet, precious thing to, “Oh, I’m just going to just send these right to the garbage when they arrive because we’ve already got enough.” So it’s important. Scarcity creates value.

And if a woman is unsure of where she stands, she seeks to get your attention. She seeks to get your validation, and it usually comes in the form of a text, or a phone call, or a WhatsApp, or a Snapchat message, or some cute little meme, or whatever she sends you. Or maybe she Facetimes you. When a woman is reaching out to you, you should assume, “She wants to see me. She wants to talk to me. She wants my presence. She wants to hear my voice.” So, facilitate getting together so you can give her what she wants.

The problem arises when she reaches out and she seeks your attention and validation, and you ignore it, or you don’t reciprocate it. Or you’re a cold fish because you get caught up, you get busy with work, or whatever. And when things have been going well in your relationship, what happens is, guys will tend to be a little more industrious and focus more on our purpose and our mission. Then we start being difficult and unavailable. And then when she does seek our attention and validation, without realizing it, we’re withholding it from her. And that’s where she starts to feel like he doesn’t care. And if she feels like we don’t care, then she starts to complain. And the complaining should not be taken personally. You should just take it as feedback that she needs more of your attention. She needs more of your presence.

So, when my now girlfriend and I go out on dates, is it ok if I tell her how I honestly feel about her?

Yeah. Just like I said, let her do it 3 to 4 times to you doing it once. Again, if you get 20 women together and ask him this question, they’ll be like, “Oh, it’s got to be 50/50. You’ve got to tell her a lot more, or tell her how you feel.” But at the end of the day, women like you more if they think they like you more than you like them. Because when they doubt that, they act cute, they do things to get your attention. They get in front of you, and start dancing and shaking their booty in front of you, and being very provocative and and naughty to get our attention, because they know that we’re visual creatures and they turn us on visually. And by being sweet, and being affectionate, and touching us.

Everything in the book is designed to create the conditions where the woman starts to pursue you from the beginning of the relationship, she gets used to it, because this comes naturally to women. They’re naturally designed to do this. They do this instinctively. And the feminism and all this other garbage that’s in the culture just screws that up. It screws up the sexual polarity between the sexes. And my book is the antidote for that.

Examples: “I really enjoy spending time with you”, “I’m really happy to be with you right now.”

Whatever you’re thinking and feeling, that’s fine. But if you’re giving her ten compliments and she gives you one back, that’s a problem. Because that means that she’s not feeling it. And if she’s having to earn your attention and validation, she’s going to like you more and she’s going to appreciate you more, even if she occasionally complains about it. And again, don’t take the complaint personally. Just take it as feedback in the moment that she wants more of your time and attention, and give it to her. Take her on a date. Give her a kiss. Take her in the bedroom, give her a proper seeing to, multiple orgasms. Get the sheets all dirty, sweaty, gooey, sticky, all of those good things.

Or, will it seem weak, so I should stay composed and only, slightly, let her know how I feel after she shares her feelings with me first? 

Again, you will notice that if every 3 to 4 compliments she gives, you give one back to her. It’s the same thing with the I love yous. Again, you talk to a bunch of women and they’ll go, “I don’t agree with that.” It doesn’t matter. If you do it that way, they’ll like you more. And that’s what you want. Because women don’t care about what a good dude you are. If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve seen countless emails and videos where the guy is really taking care of her. He’s being a good dude. He’s being an attentive boyfriend or husband, but yet he still gets dumped. His wife or girlfriend still doesn’t want to sleep with him when she doesn’t feel the attraction.

Women only care about how they feel about you, not what a good dude you are or all the great things you’ve done in the past. The only thing that matters is how they feel about you today. That’s why women leave men. They leave good guys, because their feelings are not there. That’s the important thing to understand. And everything in my book is designed to get her to feel love, and want to be with you, and want to seek your attention and validation. Because when you act like a man consistently, when you act like the masculine essence consistently, you create the masculine container to where she feels safe and comfortable enough to really get into her feminine energy, and be playful, and be girly, and be naughty, and dress sexy, and do all those things that us guys like our girls to do. A lady in the streets and a whore in the sheets, if you will.

I might figure this out on my own, as I keep on reading your book and watching your videos. But I thought this could be an interesting topic for you to cover in a future video! Thanks a lot, and I hope you have an awesome day!

Best,

Bob

Well, congratulations on your 9-month success in your relationship and the fact that it’s going well. And so, where you’re at, you should be continuing to read the book. But one thing I would recommend, is instead of separating your reads in a physical copy with what you’re listening to in your car, or whatever, with the audio book, I would encourage you to take the physical copy of the book and listen to the audio book on 2x-speed as you follow along.

So, as you’re reading the book and the words are being spoken, you should be hearing and seeing the words. Because this forces your brain to 100% focus on what’s being said and what you’re looking at. Versus, if you’re driving in your car and you’re listening to the audio book in the background, you’re going to be distracted. And so, you’re not going to pick up as much detail driving in a car, listening to an audio book, versus you sitting in your house looking at the words as they’re being spoken and hearing them at the same time.

And with the Kindle version, the words get highlighted as the audio book goes through it with their whisper sync feature. And then put it on 2x-speed, so you can get through it quicker, because if you put an audiobook on 2x-speed, you can get through this book in under four hours. And the idea is, when you’re learning this stuff, you’re trying to commit it to memory as soon as possible.

A big thing, and I say this all the time, that I see my phone sessions with guys is most of the time, they just haven’t read the book enough. They don’t know the material. And so, if you don’t know the material, there may be something that requires pickup skills, and that’s a specific situation that’s going on in your relationship. And another time, it might be specific relationship skills that you need to be applying with something that’s going on with your girl. And another time it might be dating skills. And you have to understand what they are, and how you transition through all of those, and what they mean.

Remember, you’re going to retain maybe 8% of what you read and listen to and watch each time you go through it. And when you take into consideration all of the propaganda, and the misinformation, and the disinformation, and the dysfunctional nonsense that’s pumped out by our media, that’s affected our mindset. It’s affected our model of the world, it’s affected our belief system, and it influences our actions and our feelings. And so, in order to overcome that and to change that, you first got to become aware of it. You have to be able to recognize what’s right, what’s wrong, what works and what doesn’t work.

And when you just kind of thumb through the book a few times, or listen to videos here and there, because you’re cherry picking, you’re just not going to pick up on those subtle nuances. And then, when you’re deep into a relationship and problems arise, you start thinking, “What do I do? What do I say? What’s the perfect line to fix this?” And then you get all in your head, and everything comes off like a technique and often manipulation. Just because you’re not being natural, you’re not being instinctual.

And so, reading the book 10 to 15 times and listening to it while you’re watching the words as they’re being read is the most effective way to commit that to memory, so you get to know the material so well, you could teach a class on it. Because that’s what you want. When you know it that well, you don’t have to think about it. Then you’re just responding to how she is showing up.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.