How texting, phone calls and contact should evolve during dating and into relationships.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a frustrated and needy guy who is trying to learn how to implement what’s in my book regarding texting, phone calls and contact during dating and transitioning into long term relationships. He claims to have read 3% Man, 30 times, but he is often doing the opposite of what the book teaches while trying to blame the book and some videos I have done on the topic as the reason for his confusion, mistakes and being bad at texting.
It looks like he read the book and didn’t practice what it teaches on any woman until he met and started dating a woman he met about three months ago. It’s also obvious he is getting overwhelmed emotionally which blinds him from seeing and correcting his own mistakes while trying to absolve himself from any personal responsibility for violating the principles in the book. This woman seems to be losing interest in him instead of becoming more interested, which is putting him into an emotional tailspin. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular guy, he’s obviously pretty frustrated and he admits he’s very needy person. He says he’s not a good texter. So he was watching a video. This is one from years ago and I don’t remember the context of the video, it’s just The Art Of Texting. So he writes in to tell me that he respectfully disagrees because my instructions to that particular email was that your, “Whole problem is you don’t know the book.” It’s not about reading the book, it’s about reading the book and applying it, so you can see that the wisdom that’s in the book shows up in the real world.
In this particular guy’s case, he’s very needy, and what drives needy behavior is deep down, fear that he’s not going to be loved and accepted by this particular girl. Therefore, he calls too much, he texts too much, he hangs on her every word. In a lot of ways, you can tell he’s acting like a robot. What it looks like is that he read the book 30 times and didn’t really practice with anybody, and then met this particular girl.
There was a lot of things that he writes in here that is clearly the opposite of what the book teaches, but there are some good things in here that he brings up that I can discuss about texting, phone calls, FaceTime, and then transitioning. For those of you that know from the book, what is the phone for? It’s for setting dates and arranging a get together. Not to get to know somebody, not to try. Especially if you’re not a good texter, you should not be trying to crack jokes through texts because it often is going to get misconstrued.
So what he’s noticing is this girl, after about three and a half weeks of dating, instead of her being head over heels in love with him like she should be, assuming she’s a normal, healthy woman, if he’d applied what’s in the book properly, most women are going to be in love by week six or seven and then be trying to lock you down, and that hasn’t happened. Yet this guy claims he’s read the book 30 times, but yet he’s basically through text, trying to get her to commit to a relationship. That is not what the book teaches. There are several other things that are in here that he’s doing, that I’ll point out, that are the opposite of what the book teaches.
The whole purpose is that you’re trying to remain mysterious, because guys like this, guys that are super needy, they call too much, they text too much, they pursue too much, they try too hard because deep down, they don’t believe that they’re worthy. All of us, all human beings, act consistently with how we view ourselves to be. It doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not, but that’s how we will operate.
If this guy is needy and he’s insecure and deep down he doesn’t feel worthy, he’s going to try to make up for that by trying to force things instead of letting them happen, because love is allowing. You’re creating the conditions where, because what typically happens is men start the courtship, they start the ball rolling, they pursue in the beginning, and you’re just going to take measured steps, basically one date per week. Then when the woman starts reaching out after your date, she just use that as an opportunity to set the next date. Typically what happens is that as the weeks go by, she texts more, she calls more, she FaceTimes you more to the point where you’re going to be typically hearing from her two, three times a day, and you’re either going to be spending the night at her place, or she’s going to be spending the night at your place.
That’s typically what happens when you get into a relationship, but this guy is three and a half months down the road. They’re still not exclusive, and they’re only seeing each other two to three times a week. The fact that it looks like he’s doing everything through text and no phone calls, she’s not FaceTiming him. Typically, what that shows me is that there’s a lack of intimacy and there’s a lack of closeness in their relationship. Plus, I can tell he’s being a little bit too anal and robotic and not loose enough.
As the book says, you can text a girl, you can use a messaging app, but what’s most masculine is calling on the phone. Yet he’s relying on text for whatever reason. So just from that perspective alone, if he’s only doing texting, that is less masculine than calling a woman up. Typically at this point, especially if you’re used to dating younger women like yours truly, especially if you’re dating women about half your age, girls typically will FaceTime you. You’ll just get a FaceTime call out of the blue. You can answer it. You can talk. It’s like, “I want to see you tonight. What time are you coming over?” It’s just by this point in his courtship with this girl, she should be in love with him. They should be seeing each other just about every day, but that’s not happening.
As a matter of fact, it’s kind of going the opposite way, where she’s getting a little more colder and distant, and that’s kind of sending him in an emotional tailspin. So I could tell the insinuation here is like, the book is the problem, not his behavior, even though I’ll point out that. He’s doing, in a lot of cases, the exact opposite of what the book teaches, yet he’s like, “Oh, I read the book 30 times, Coach. I know.” It’s like, “OK.” I love that when somebody that’s an amateur student wants to lecture me on what’s in the book. So this should be fun.
You’re not a coach. You don’t do this. You haven’t been doing this for 20 years. Whatever I said in that video, I haven’t seen that video in years. I think it’s a really old one. Maybe it’s 10 years old, but if I tell a guy he needs to read the book, because when I do phone sessions with guys, that’s always one of the biggest problems.
I had a guy I talked to the other day, he’s been following me for four or five years, and he’s read the book twice, and he read the book once when he screwed up with a girl that he was dating a few years ago, and now she just came back into the picture. I had a phone session with him a few years ago, and I laid out exactly what he needed to do. He’s very successful, very well off. He has a high income, high net worth earner, and he’s used to bossing people around, and he admits, “I didn’t take you seriously. I wasn’t a good student. I didn’t read the book,” until he went out with this girl a second time. He got a second chance and basically did the exact opposite, so that’s on him.
We had a good laugh about it in the phone session. One of the things that Doc Love used to say was that, “A beautiful woman is like Kryptonite to most guys. They basically have the power to make a dude fall apart.” That’s typically what happens when a guy is dating a girl he really likes. He just cannot handle it. He becomes overwhelmed with his emotions, tries to force things, and literally chases the girl away and displays a lot of unattractive behavior, which you’ll see there’s quite a bit of things this guy is doing wrong here, and it’s just completely sailing right over his head because he’s all up in his ego that the problem is not him, it’s my book and my videos.
I have personally listened to the book over 30 times and I still get flustered and nervous if my lady friend (dating for three and a half months but never had, “the talk”)…
Which shows that he’s focused on the relationship and locking her down, because quite frankly, it should have happened by now, and it’s not. I’m assuming this is a normal, healthy woman because the book works on normal, healthy women, not mentally ill lunatics that just are out to make your life hell.
…Texts me too much between dates. Should I share with her about my day? Send pics about my day?
Are you a girl?
I almost never text. Usually, what I get when I’m not with my girl is FaceTime calls out of the blue. That’s when you have real intimacy with somebody as they FaceTime you. When they keep you at a distance, they’re typically going to text,
Should I ignore her?
No. The book doesn’t teach to ignore her. Remember, the phone is for setting dates. You’re creating the conditions where you’re putting minimal effort in texting. Again, remember the book says calling is way more masculine, but he chose to text because it’s easier and less risk of rejection, but he’s trying to crack jokes and act cute and use sexual innuendos. There’s an example in here of sexual innuendo that he does, and it goes over like a lead balloon.
Should I just wait and text her back very minimal answers?
Well again, if it was me, I would be calling. Unless it’s something short and simple, I’m going to text, but normally under normal circumstances I’m just going to call. If your girl is calling you two to three times a day, maybe once, this is assuming that she’s back at her place or at work or whatever. Maybe at lunch time, you get a phone call when she’s on break or something like that, that’s totally normal.
It looks like this whole relationship happens through text. Again, there’s an obvious lack of intimacy and closeness between the two of these people.
It truly IS NOT covered that much in the book.
Again, as the book says, the phone is for setting dates and arranging the get togethers. If you started out doing that and only calling once a week and making one date, and then she starts reaching out and texting you a day or two after your date, “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. I want to see you again. When are you available to get together?” Something simple like that.
Don’t be a robot and and text that exact phrase. Be creative and put it in your own words. The point is, is you’re going to arrange a get together, “Hey, you should come over tonight.”
The other thing is, you don’t have to go out on an official grand gesture type of date every time you go out, especially several weeks in. Maybe you go out on a regular date once or twice a week, and the other night, she’s coming over after work. You’re making dinner together. Maybe you’re talking, hanging out. Maybe you’re Netflix and chilling. You’re relaxing. Maybe you’re taking a bubble bath together. Maybe you’re grilling out. Maybe you’re sitting in the Jacuzzi having having some coffee or having some wine or whatever happens to be. These are just the normal things that when two people become a couple, they’re just always around each other.
I try really hard to never double text…
So that tells me he’s double and probably triple texting, in other words, because he’s impatient and waiting for her to reach back out.
…Wait 10-15 minutes to respond to her texts…
Again, you don’t have to be a robot. You can mix and match. Especially after three and a half months, if you’re available, you can text her back. It’s not a big deal.
…Sometimes wait til the next day to respond, etc.
Well, if you’ve been dating a girl three and a half months and she texts you in the afternoon and then you’re waiting till the next day to respond again, that just illustrates the fact that there is a total lack of intimacy.
Really, this girl is just somebody that’s an occasional friends with benefits, a couple of times a week. That’s all it’s really amounting to because of the lack of intimacy.
You shouldn’t be waiting a day to respond. That is not what the book teaches. Everything in the book is designed to create the conditions where the woman is pursuing you in every way, physically, with touching, spending time with you, calling you, texting you, her pursuing you.
If the woman is pursuing you and doing most of it, and ideally, if you’re really following what’s in the book, most of the time you’re going to be able to get away with her doing 95 and even 100% of the pursuing throughout most weeks. Unless she occasionally complains about it, that you’re not reaching out enough or whatever, then just reach out once or twice a week and surprise her in a different way. All she’s really saying, when you don’t reach out enough, she’s saying, “You’re not reaching out enough to the point where it almost makes me feel like you don’t care.”
When she tells you that, instead of complaining and arguing with her, you just say, “No problem,” and then you reach out a little bit more, because that shows you heard her, you understood her, and you started reaching out. You don’t want to over reach out to the point where now it flips and you’re doing 95% of the pursuing. If you do that, you’re going to get friend-zoned and blown off.
We loyal readers still need help and advice when IN AN EARLY RELATIONSHIP…
Well, you’re not in a relationship.
…On how to keep that spark going…
Again, that just shows me the mindset is, “How do I get her attention and validation? How do I get her to like me?” Instead of, “Is this woman a good woman to date? Is she a good woman for me?” And let her win you over. So I can already tell his mindset is the opposite of what the book teaches.
…Regarding how much you text back/ignore her until the date, stuff like that.
If you’re three and a half months in, you should not be thinking, “I need to ignore her.” The book doesn’t ever teach anything about ignoring a woman. It just teaches taking measured steps and taking your time to respond by matching and mirroring her level of enthusiasm.
So if you text her, say she texts you, and then 15 minutes later you text her back and then two hours later she texts you back, which is totally normal, maybe she sets her phone down and doesn’t look at it for an hour or two, or maybe she goes to the gym or whatever, it’s in the charger. These things are normal and they should not make you come unglued and freak out. It’s just not a big deal.
If you’re three and a half months in and she takes two hours to respond, that’s totally normal. Maybe she put her phone on the charger, she had it down on her desk or whatever, or it was in her purse, or she’s busy having lunch and not really looking at her phone.
I have been dating a girl three and a half months. The first two months she was texting me way more. I have been hanging out, having fun and hooking up with her 2-3 nights a week for the past three months.
Again, three months in, you should be together almost every night and you should be exclusive, but that didn’t happen.
Again, if this is the first girl after reading the book 30 times a year, practicing with you can’t expect that you’re going to be perfect. Bottom line is, instead of her interest going up and you spending more time together, maybe you’re putting her off and you don’t want to see her too much because you’re worried about that.
At the end of the day, if a girl is calling and texting you multiple times a day, you should be together just about every night at that point. Again, that didn’t happen. If you know just the ebb and flow, because women are like cats, say you just spent the whole weekend together and Monday she texts you and then three hours later she texts you back. Or you text her back right away, then an hour later, she responds to you again. Sometimes she sets the phone down. It doesn’t mean that she’s just playing games with you. You’re going to match and mirror the level of enthusiasm and effort when it comes to text.
If you text a girl to go out on a date at, say, 4 p.m. in the afternoon, and she waits till 11 a.m. to text you, then it shows you’re really not that important to her. So you kind of match and mirror that level of enthusiasm by taking longer to text her back. Again, if you’re three and a half months in, you shouldn’t be worried about these things.
The last month and a half she has had days of texting me all day followed by 1-2 days of almost no correspondence.
That’s kind of normal, especially if you’re only seeing each other two to three times a week. Maybe she goes off and she’s with her family and doing things and you don’t see each other for a couple of days, so it’s totally normal. Women are like cats. That’s a chapter in the book, Women Are Like Cats, Men Are Like Dogs.
You can’t get upset. You can’t get butt-hurt. You can’t get perturbed. You can’t think, “Oh my God, it’s the end of the world. She hasn’t texted me for a day. What have I got to do with myself?” Go see your mom, hang out with your friends, have a life outside of her. Stop obsessing over her.
This past Tuesday morning (Halloween), I left her house, and she said I can come back over on Thursday night. Well, she texted me all day Tuesday, which gave me the usual bout of anxiety. I felt like saying, “Hey, the phone is for setting dates, lady!”
There’s nothing wrong with that. If she’s texting you, you text her back. It’s not a big deal.
I responded with minimal answers…
She sends you a meme, you can say, “Ha ha.” You can like it. It’s not a big deal. If she asks you a question you can answer, it doesn’t mean be a cold fish.
…Then finally at night, I sent a photo of my dinner (steak), saying, “We’re out at BJ’s…”
I assume that’s a restaurant, or maybe it’s the BJ’s wholesale place. Kind of like a Costco, I think.
…And then she didn’t respond again that night.
Yeah, don’t take it personally. It’s not a big deal. Maybe she was busy. Maybe the text was boring. That’s how a conversation thread closes. So it’s like tennis. You don’t need to text. You don’t need to say anything.
Notice he texted her and she didn’t text back. What does he do the next day? He double texts. He’s like, “I try not to double text,” but he does it all the time. Why? He’s not texting her because he wants to talk to her, he’s texting her because he’s worried she’s not going to like him. Because remember, this is a needy guy.
The next morning, wanting to show how much I want her…
Women don’t care how much you want them. They only care about how they feel about you. They only care about how much they like you. So that’s not going to do anything to raise her attraction for you, dude. Again, that’s in the book.
…I sent an overtly sexual text about…
This is like, really cringe. Remember, she didn’t respond to his previous message late that night, and he wakes up the next day needy and worrying about his future with her and whether or not he’s going to be in it or continue to be in it. So he feels like he’s got to communicate how much he likes her, because probably some chick told him that, because that’s what women always say. “Oh, let her know how much you care.” Then you do that and it goes over like a lead balloon. Like this train wreck of a text, this train wreck of an attempt at a sexual innuendo.
Again, this is why, especially for this guy, this is why you should be calling on the phone or FaceTiming each other. Again, there’s a total lack of intimacy in here between these two.
“…Remember that Halloween chocolate bar you sent me a picture of last night? I’d like to melt that down, smother it from your stomach to your ass, then lick/drink it off of you.” I figured she would love that and say, “MMM that sounds good.”
What do you guys think about his text so far?
Instead, she responded, “Yuck that sounds gross.” I replied, “Really? OK, noted.” She proceeded to say her, “Body is not a dinner plate and that she’d have to clean it off the sheets, and all that would be awkward, gross and not fun.” I called her an hour later…
Because now he’s backpedaling. “Oh, God. Oh, no. She’s not going to like me. I got to I got to prove myself to her.” Again, this is giving away his mindset. When he’s with her, when he’s texting her, he’s constantly communicating, he doesn’t feel worthy to be with her, and that’s a big part of his problem.
…Trying to explain myself and backpedaling.
Because she probably went cold after that. He’s like, “I got to do something.” That’s called the Illusion Of Action, which is also discussed in the book, and you are falling under the illusion of action.
Again, I would have never send this cringe text because again, you’re double texting. You already have a date set up. The phone is for setting dates. There’s no reason to send all this garbage. It’s totally unnecessary because you’re thinking like a girl.
Saying, I’d seen that in a movie, and was just trying to be romantic and playful. We talked about why I liked that, I said that chocolate on her body seemed to me like something romantic to try…
Well, you should do it in person and surprise her with it. Not send a cringe worthy text like that. That’s vomit inducing.
…Like some people put whip cream on their partner to lick off.
This guy’s constantly stepping in it.
She asked, “Did you like eating whip cream off an ex or something in the past?” I said “I can’t remember,” and changed the subject (I felt uncomfortable sharing intimate details of past relationships).
“Coach, I was back pedaling.”
She laughed at me for saying, “I forgot,” and we got off the phone. I waited until that evening (yesterday) at 9:30 p.m. and texted, “Hope your day was wonderful.” No response.
Again, he’s multiple three, four times over text. Again, keep in mind he’s got a date. He didn’t have to do anything. All this shit was completely unnecessary, because he’s backpedaling and you could tell he’s full of fear and she can sense it, she can tell what’s going on. It’s a turnoff, because he’s expressing the opposite of confidence. He’s expressing insecurity. The number one masculine strength characteristic that women love and men is confidence, and he’s displaying the opposite of confidence.
If you texted that and she was said, “Oh, that’s gross.” “All right, well, I’m going to get a five gallon bucket of melted chocolate and then just dump it all over you in your bed.” Something just obnoxious and playful instead of backpedaling, “Oh God, I got to do something.”
Now it’s Thursday, and tonight is the night I was supposed to go to her house again. I texted again this morning…
So he’s over-pursuing, and it’s not dawning on him. Again, he’s trying to say, “It’s all the book‘s fault. It’s the video’s fault.” The book doesn’t tell you to keep double, triple, quadruple texting somebody. It’s like he’s stuck in the sand and he’s just gunning and the car is just getting more and more stuck.
…Proclaiming, “I have enjoyed our time together, hope she has too,” “I like her,” etc., and basically stated my desire for the B, G and E words, lol. (boyfriend, girlfriend, exclusive). NO RESPONSE YET.
So he’s like quadruple texting. Now he’s like, “Hey, will you be in a relationship with me, please?” Come on, dude. This looks really bad. This is not what the book teaches. You’re asking her to be in a relationship. Again, the woman is supposed to bring that up, and that’s right out of the book, bruh.
I am in a tailspin all of my own making because I am terrible at texting.
Well, you’re just a needy, insecure guy and you are stuck in the illusion of action. It’s not that you’re terrible at texting, I mean, that text was really fucking terrible and atrocious, but you’re ignoring the principles. Dating is like tennis, You hit one ball over the net and you got to wait for it to get hit back. You didn’t do that. Instead, you turn the automatic ball machine on full breach and just boop, boop, boop, boop. Then of course, she’s like, “Oh, what’s with this guy?” And she went running off the court.
I plan to just go over to her place tonight, as we had agreed upon before all this drama, and if she doesn’t like it, say, “We both agreed to see each other again tonight.”
No, you’re just like, “Hey, we had a date. What are you talking about? You told me to come over. Are you upset? What do you mean? You are not excited about my chocolate ecstasy? You didn’t like that?”
I’d like to think of something else that’s even more cringe worthy than that one. Since you like that one so well.
Go with the flow, diffuse with humor and take the stick out of your ass, please. Love is playful and fun, dude. Don’t take yourself so God damn seriously. Yeah, you got a date set up. Just go over there, but all this texting, none of this shit was necessary. It was all because you’re projecting your insecurity and your needy feelings on her. This girl, obviously, it’s not her first trip around the block. So she’s probably had plenty of guys behave this way. Usually that’s the kind of thing that makes them go, “Eww.” That’s why she hasn’t texted you back, because she’s going, “What is with this guy? What the hell? He’s totally falling apart.” The Kryptonite is just making him go, “I must text 10 times. Your book told me to do it.”
I feel I took my shot with that, “feelings” text today. It’s because I wanted to see if we are exclusive or what…
Men know what they’re doing. They are not going to be like, “Where do I stand? Do you like me? Mommy, can I get an atta-boy today, please?” This looks bad, dude. This is really pathetic on your part.
…Which has been bugging me recently.
Well again, this is right out of the book. That’s feminine energy. You’re acting like an insecure girl this whole week that you’ve been texting her, you’re acting like an insecure girl instead of a stoic, strong, mysterious, masculine man. You had a date set up with her. There was absolutely NO reason for this whole series of train-wreck texts and phone calls and backpedaling.
SO NOW it really feels like a TEXTING DISASTER.
Well, that’s what happens when you do the opposite of what the book teaches.
It IS NOT because I have not read the book enough times, though.
Well, you’re not applying what’s in the book. You’re doing the opposite of what it teaches. You are warned in the book to not do this because this is the exact result. This is as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. So I believe it was Ayn Rand who said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality,” and you ignored what the book taught, and you’re experiencing the consequences.
Quite frankly, the beginning of your email is trying to blame it on me. You can’t blame me for your fuck ups. As the late, great Don Shula, the most winning NFL coach in NFL history, 347 victories, he said, “Strong men blame themselves, weak men blame others.” So stop being weak and stop acting like a bitch, dude. You’re supposed to be the more masculine one here, and instead you’re acting like an insecure girl who doesn’t feel like she deserves to be with this person.
It is because I don’t have much relationship experience.
That’s why you read the book and you apply it with women you’re dating. You don’t read the book 30 times and then not apply it until you meet a girl you really like, because again, she’s like Kryptonite to you and you’re just completely falling apart.
This feels all new to me. My past relationships were not healthy, with either Hispanic drama queens or needy/clingy girls when I lived in China.
We got to take our jobs back from China.
This girl is from a GOOD family, loves her parents, goes to church and we get along great, and she would be a great wife and mother.
Well, you don’t really know that. You’re not in a relationship with her. Maybe a year or two from now you can make that determination, but not after three and a half months of dating when you’re basically begging her to be your girlfriend.
I really want to be serious with her.
You should be focused on creating the conditions where she would want to be serious with you. Instead, you are assuming the female role in the courtship and it’s turning her off.
Please tell me how I could have done better and what I can do now.
Nothing. Just go over and hang out, have fun and hook up. If she breaks your balls about what you said, laugh at it. Just say, “I’m going to have to come up with another cringe worthy text out of the blue. Maybe next time it’ll involve chocolate and strawberries. Maybe some whipped cream, maybe some vanilla pudding. Maybe some creme brulée. You never know. I might surprise you with a whole buffet of chocolates.”
Love is playful and fun. Take the stick out of your ass, dude. You can laugh about this. You have a date set up. It’s OK. It’s not the end of the world.
I look forward to finally seeing/hearing her response, whether that be tonight, or in the future, after I back off. I just know I have now laid my cards on the table regarding the relationship I’d like, and I need to back the F up and let her respond and come to me.
Yeah, that’s what the book teaches. Yet you’re doing the opposite, and blaming me for it. Come on, man.
If not, I HAVE TO MOVE ON AND DON’T LOOK BACK.
No. You need to go over to her house, hang out, have fun and hook up, and beat up her pelvis and give her plenty of orgasms and laugh about it. It’s not a big deal.
I know what you’re going to say: I care way too much, she can sense that, I’m acting needy and desperate, yes. I will keep trying to improve, keep listening to your book, forever!
Well, the important thing is you can read the book a thousand times. The knowledge, the wisdom and the skills come in applying it through trial and error. The better you know the book, the better.
Plus, if you had a couple of other girls you had been dating, it would have been a lot easier to be a way smoother with this girl, but since this is the only thing you got going on in your life, you’ve already decided you want her to be the mother of your children and your future wife, even though you kind of barely know her, which is kind of ridiculous. You don’t have enough information and you haven’t spent enough time with her to know this. You just don’t. It’s way too early in the process.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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