How the abundance mentality gives you choice with women to cause them to chase and win you over.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 3 different emails from 3 different viewers. The 1st email is from a 71-year-old viewer who recently came out of a 10-year relationship. He’s seeing 2 different women who also happen to be really good friends. He’s unsure how to handle this, as both women have been cheated on in the past. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
The 2nd email is from a guy who got rejected after their first date, and he wants to know why. He’s been following me for years but not been applying what he’s learned enough to become competent and confident with women. The 3rd email is a success story on how well the take away strategy works with women who are testing and trying to jerk you around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
What you’re going to see here is, how would you apply the abundance mentality in these particular situations? Because when you know you have choices and you have options, you’re not going to settle for less than what you want. You’re not going to put up with bullshit behavior from anybody, including women that you happen to be dating.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’m a 71-year-old male, going to be 72 this month. I recently came out of a ten-year relationship with a lady I finally figured out has an avoidant personality disorder. I knew something was wrong but did not know what. I had my diagnosis confirmed with a psychologist with many PhD’s in her practice. Needless to say, I will be much more careful who I fall in love with next time. Actually, I was blinded by sex with this lady, which was the greatest ever.
Well, when you get to be at that point, you’re 71 and the sex is the best you ever had, it’s understandable why you’d probably put up with that longer than you should. So, even at 71 years old, people are staying in relationships longer than they should. Even when the sands of the hourglass are running out very fast for all of us.
And overlooked her flaws and took way too much disrespect, because I was an asshole in my marriage of 30 years, and with this lady became way too nice. I’m working on balance, being a nice guy/tough guy attitude now.
Well, you don’t want to be nice. You want to be dangerous, but kind, but not a pushover. And when you’re too nice, again, that’s what the nice guy does. He goes along with things that he’s not really down with, because he doesn’t feel he has a choice. And women like guys that have choices. Because if you don’t feel like you have choice, then when you get treated with disrespect or disrespectful behavior, you get jerked around, you’ll put up with it, because you don’t feel like you have a choice.
Women are more attracted to men who are popular with other women. If no other women want you, and a woman you want to date finds that out, she’s going to think, “Well, what’s wrong with this guy? Why doesn’t anybody else want him?” and they’re not going to want to be with you or date you. Because one is no choice, two is a dilemma, and three is a choice.
So, ideally, especially if you’re learning what’s in “3%, Man,” you’ve got to have choices. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to ruin good opportunities with women just because you don’t know any better. And you’ve got to go through enough failures, so you can learn from your mistakes, to get good enough to where you’re having a success, like the third guy’s email that you’ll see.
Just simple things like standing up for yourself or being willing to withdraw the offer when a girl is giving you an undesirable response or trying to jerk you around. When you’ve got choices and options, you’re not going to put up with it. And when you don’t have choices and options, then you’ll put up with all kinds of garbage and then you get walked all over.
I started dating again, and I have more women interested in me than you can possibly imagine at the age of 72 years old. Without sounding too conceited, I’m a high value man who goes to the gym, dresses young, acts young, and I’m a pretty good dancer, painter, insurance agent, etc. Most folks think I’m in my early sixties!
To the problem, I’m dating two women who became close friends after I became interested in them both.
Well, as the late, great Doc Love said, “When kitty cats compete, you win.” What’s interesting, and I learned this when I was younger, is that one woman likes you and her friend kind of thinks you’re cute, the fact that her friend likes you, you become cuter to her. And girls will ruin a lifelong friendship if they like the same guy and are both emotionally invested in that guy.
And so, when you have two women that like you and they both want to win you over, which is what you really want, it’s like the mentality that you see in the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” from the 1940s, with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. Jimmy Stewart’s character, his goal is to get the hell out of Bedford Falls, and go see the world, and do all the things he’s dreamt about since he was a kid. So, he has no interest in sticking around, or getting involved in a relationship, or having a family, or any of that.
Eventually he wants to go and do that somewhere else other than Bedford Falls, but Donna Reed’s character has other plans. And so, she’s doing everything she can to make things so great in Bedford Falls, that he’s happy and content with staying there and making a great life for them and their family, that they ultimately end up having. And so, that’s the mentality you want.
You can ask you can put 20 women in a room together and say this to them, and most of them will probably disagree with it, but the reality is women like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. Once a woman knows that you’re way more in her than she’s into you, that’s when she starts jerking you around, especially when she doesn’t feel like you have other options, whether you you’ve either communicated that verbally or you’re giving off that kind of a vibe.
They are both 10’s for our age group, and I don’t know how to handle this situation.
Well, as it says in the book, “3% Man,” you’re the prize, you’re the catch. Let them win you over. But the other thing you have to keep in mind is it’s also possible that you lose both of them. But the reality is that you’re in the vetting process. They’re on probation, just like you’re on probation with them. And so, you need to spend enough time test driving these cars, so to speak, in order to make an intelligent, informed decision about who’s the right girl for you.
You don’t owe them anything. They don’t owe you anything. And the fact that you started dating them or became interested in them before they met and became friends, it really doesn’t matter. I mean, what’s the difference if you had no idea they were good friends, and then one day you make a choice. Then a few months later you run into the girl you used to date, and she’s really good friends with the woman you’re dating. That would be an interesting situation. But in this case, he found out about it. So, it’s not a bad thing. This is a good thing for him.
It’s good to have choices. It’s good to have options. And it’s way better to have options than no options at all – having two women that both know each other and they both like you. Plus, you’re fit, you’re in shape. I mean, the reality is, most people, when they’re in their 70s, they’ve completely let themselves go. Their bodies are flabby and out of shape. And if you’re 71, you’re fit and you’re in shape, you look younger than your age, and you take good care of yourself, you are a high level guy in that age group. Because for most people, the average person gives up at about 55. Most people start to lose hope and give up on their dreams around 55, and they just don’t give a shit anymore, because they know they’re going to die, and that date is fast approaching.
So, if you’re one of those guys that’s still in your 70s and taking care of yourself, and you have goals, and you have dreams – this guy is still working, he’s an insurance agent – all men should always have a purpose. You should be working until the day you die, doing some kind of life’s work that’s important and valuable to you. Like Jack LaLanne died a few years ago, and he was one of the guys that really pushed into the public consciousness the importance of physical fitness. And so, I think he was 96 when he died, and he was working out the day before he dropped dead. So he was still living his purpose. He was still taking care of himself. He was still disciplined. He was still living as if he was going to be around for a long time.
What’s interesting is when you take care of yourself, and you work out, and you eat right, and especially pushing weights around, doing cardio, when you’re taxing your body like that, your genes recognize that you’re an organism that is still leaving its imprint on this world, instead of being passive and slowly withering away, like most people do. Therefore, you grow muscle, you remain mentally sharper. Because your body literally believes that it’s got a long life to live, and you’re treating it as such.
They both show interest, at least an 8 level, but the one I like has a lot of guy friends, I think she may be a narcissist, and I wonder If I’m just another supply for her.
Well, it doesn’t really matter. She’s just one of the women on your practice squad. On an NFL practice squad, they’re always churning the roster. So, you have people that you’re dropping because, like in this case, you get 2 or 3 other women that you’re dating and you’re like, “Wow, both of these girls treat me better than this one that I think is a narcissist.” And so, if you’ve got a couple of other women that are better, that treat you better, it’s pretty easy to drop the narcissist. But if you only have one girl and she’s a narcissist, you’ll put up with her crap, like this guy put up with it, for ten years.
And the way the universe tends to work is it continues to bring you the same kind of people until you transcend that situation, until you recognize the red flags and the bad, undesirable behavior, and you dip out instead of sticking around longer than you should have. So, I think it’s great that he’s dating these two women, but I think he needs a couple more, especially when he’s not too sure of either one of these women.
Anyway, I don’t know how to handle this situation. Do I owe them an explanation?
No, your job in the courtship is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up. That’s it. It’s the woman’s job to get you to commit to being in a relationship, family, bonding, kids, opening up to receive love, all of those things.
Both of them have been cheated on in the past, and I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Well, you’re not in a relationship with either one of them. You’re just casually dating, you’re taking your time, and you’re in the vetting process. And you don’t know either one of them well enough to make an intelligent, informed decision. That’s why you’ve got to spend time test driving the vehicles. You’ve got to try before you buy.
And at 71, I wouldn’t be in a rush to settle down with any of these particular girls, especially when you’re already thinking that one of them may be a narcissist. That’s why you should keep meeting and dating other women. Because typically what happens is, as your pool grows, as your practice squad grows, there’s someone you’re going to drop from it. Some of them get poached by another team, or another guy comes along, or they go back to an ex, or whatever. Some of them get promoted to the active roster.
So, let the women win you over. That is what the abundance mentality would do. If you’re thinking, “I’ve got to lock her down, I’ve got to get her in a relationship,” that’s feminine energy, and that’s not your role. That’s not the masculine role in the courtship. The masculine role is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. And when a woman feels safe and comfortable enough and she starts to fall in love, then she’s going to want you all to herself, in addition to wanting to spend more and more of her time with you.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I have been following your work for the past several years, and I’ve read your book not enough times.
Well, if you’ve been following me for several years, and you still aren’t through it 10 to 15 times, what that tells me is you’re half-assing it, and you’re not a serious student. You’re just kind of cherry picking, figuring “I just need the right line, the right circumstance, and everything will be easy and effortless.” It doesn’t work that way. There are no shortcuts to success Just reading a book a handful of times and expecting your life to change, it’s not going to work. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.
I think I’m on read 8 of your book, and The Way of the Superior Man 3 times.
So, if you think you’re on read 8, again, that just tells me you really haven’t taken learning this information very seriously, and therefore, you probably haven’t been applying it very much either. And if you’re not applying it, and going through repetitions, and having successes and failures, you’re not going to get better without it, simple as that. You can’t just cherry pick and then all of a sudden you become better. It’s just like walking into a gym and signing up for a gym membership doesn’t make you in shape or fit or lose weight. You’ve got to actually go in there and do the work and be disciplined with your diet.
Despite all of this knowledge and retaining information, it has still been difficult to apply what is in the book and get lots of phone numbers to have options.
Well, it’s really about setup. What is your life like outside of work? Because your social life, your personal life, what you do for fun, your hobbies, your interests should be things that put you in the situations where you’re constantly meeting beautiful women. And if you’re hardly ever meeting women, then you need to do something to put yourself in a position where you have other choices and other options.
I’ll give you an example. If a dude lives out in the country and he’s very successful and wealthy, lives on a lake somewhere, and he’s got like five neighbors within ten miles, well, you’re probably better to get a small apartment in the city somewhere where there’s a lot of action, there’s a lot of things going on, just because you’re dating pool is going to be a lot bigger.
Dating apps are depressing, and I might catch a girl’s phone number once in a blue moon.
Well, if you’re not doing well on dating apps, I don’t know what you’re doing specifically on there. Maybe it’s your pictures, maybe it’s your profile. Maybe you just don’t know what you’re doing. Maybe you’re doing and saying a lot of things that’s inappropriate and unattractive because you still don’t know the material. In essence, you really haven’t changed very much since you first came across my work. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got.
Anyway, I got this one girl’s phone number at a pool hall that she works at about a month ago. I called and left a voicemail saying, “It’s that guy you met. Call me back. We should hangout sometime.”
If I read something like that, it’s like, what? Why would you say something like that? Does that sound like a guy that’s confident? “Oh, it’s that guy you met. Oh, yeah, it’s that schmuck you met from your workplace.” Just say, “Hey, this is Bob. I’d love to get together sometime. Give me a call back. See what your schedule is like.” Be direct, be decisive, get to the point. “Hey, Sherry, this is Bob. Just calling you, wanted to get together, meet up for dinner, meet up for drinks,” or whatever it was you talked about when you were together. “Give me a call back. My number is blah, blah, blah.” It’s very simple.
She responded quickly saying, “Sorry, I’m at work,” so I said, “No worries. Call me back later.” she liked the message. Then 3 weeks went by…
She waited three whole weeks, so you obviously weren’t a priority. And that tells me the interest wasn’t that high on her part. These are things that you pick up from the book, obviously. You tell her to call you back, and she texts you back three weeks later.
…and she texted me back saying we should talk. So, then I talked to her that day with just some banter to try and figure out if I want to take her out on a date again. I set up a time to pick her up and take her to the park, so I can get to know her better. I really didn’t want to take her out for a $100 dinner on the first date and then never hear back. I tried that once before and she ghosted me.
Well, that was one time. So, obviously the date didn’t go well. Maybe she wasn’t that into you. Maybe you put your foot in your mouth a lot. But your attitude, “Oh, I don’t want to spend $100 dinner,” well, go out for drinks. You can meet her out for a glass of wine in the evening.
As the book says, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. So going to lunch and doing things in the middle of the day because you’re trying to avoid spending 100 bucks, it’s like you’re already setting yourself up for failure. You’re already assuming it’s not going to potentially end in sex at your place or hers.
You’ve got to think about all these things in the future. I can already tell that you’re not acting like a guy that expects to be successful. You’re acting like a guy that expects to be taken advantage of, jerked around and rejected. So, in other words, you’re not acting like a guy that has abundance with women.
You’re acting like a guy that almost never gets a date, which is pretty much what you communicated in the beginning of the email, that you hardly ever get a date. You have a hard time getting numbers on the dating apps. But, again, if you’re half-assing and not really being serious about learning the information, this is not surprising at all. You’re just not a serious student.
So, then I go to pick her up at the address, which was luckily only 5 minutes from my house because she “totally forgot” and was with her parents that day.
So, you show up to take her out for a date, and she totally forgets. Remember, it took her three weeks to get back to you. You make a date, you show up, and she’s like, “Oh, I forgot about it”? She forgot about it because she didn’t give a shit. But because you don’t have an abundance mindset and you’re not living that way, you were willing to overlook all of these indicators of low interest.
She felt bad that I showed up, and I said in the text exchange that she needs to make it up to me by cooking me dinner. I picked her up the next Sunday afternoon and took her to a nice park on a sunny afternoon.
I thought you said she was going to make you dinner. You’re going to the park in the middle of the afternoon? You make dates in the evening that can lead to sex at her place or yours. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, not to take her to a lunch in the middle of the day, like the gay male girlfriend would or her emotional tampon. Again, these are things that are covered in the book, but you’re not even remotely applying what’s in the book. In other words, you’re doing, basically, the same things that you’ve always done before you ever came across my work, so you shouldn’t be surprised you’re not getting good results.
We walked and talked, and I found we had a lot of things in common. Within the first 20 minutes, she told me she was into dancing, so I asked her to teach me how, and I got the kiss. Then we had lunch inside and one thing I know I made a mistake on was ordering what she ordered to make things simple rather than ordering my own different thing.
So, he was probably too happy to be there, because he hadn’t had a date in forever. There is a pussy embargo in his life, and she could pick up on that. Again, he’s not giving off the vibe that he’s got abundance. He’s just happy to be there. Even though you had a date scheduled, you show up at her house and she’s like, “Oh, I forgot, my parents.”
So, maybe he got there and she wasn’t at the house. And then he texted her, “Hey, I’m here to pick you up,” and she’s like, “Oh, I’m with my parents. Totally forgot.” She totally forgot because she didn’t give a shit. She wasn’t that interested in going out with him anyway. But she felt bad, so it was kind of like she went out on a date because she felt guilty. But if you told her to cook you dinner to make it up to you, why are you going to pick her up and take her to a park? That doesn’t make any sense.
We then went to a classic ice cream place across the street and got some ice cream. I kissed her 2 more times before I dropped her off.
Well, was she open to being kissed, or were you just kissing her? Because, again, the kiss test, all that stuff is covered in the book.
I am wondering if I came off too strong.
Again, you don’t know the material in the book. You’re just throwing shit against the wall hoping it works out.
Just as usual, everything seemed to go great, and it was a perfect afternoon, even though lunch dates are bad.
Well, again, you’re not following the book, so you think it’s perfect. But I pointed out a few things here that are pretty glaringly obvious. More than likely, you had your hands on her and were kissing her when she wasn’t really open. Was she playing with her hair? Was she touching your arm? Was she bumping into you as you guys walked next together? These are little things you look for.
A few days went by, and she texted me saying that I’m a really great guy but… and that I’m not the right fit for her. I got overwhelmed by emotion and sent her my life story text message, saying call me back if she changes her mind.
I can only imagine what that was. So, he had verbal diarrhea, probably drooled all over her.
I had the fear of losing her…
She wasn’t yours to begin with.
…and I see how once I believe that it, really comes true. I know that I probably should have said, “Go fuck some other dude then,” but I didn’t.
What are you thinking, dude?
It just stings, because I don’t have a lot of options.
Thanks for reading my email. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Well, you’re not really doing anything to help yourself, Dude, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. And that’s part of the problem. It’s probably very rare that you see a girl that you like or you interact with, and ask for her phone number, and you’re not prepared. And then you go out on the dates, and they’re just a train wreck, and nothing in your email communicates that you’re familiar with my work in any way.
Like you said, you think you’re on read 8, but I can tell by reading this email that you have no idea what you’re doing. You’re just flying blind and, in essence, continuing to be the same guy that was not getting good results before he came across my work. So, you’ve got to do better, dude. You’ve got to take this area of your life seriously, read the book 10 to 15 times, and you’ve got to practice it. It’s not going to help you unless you’re willing to practice it.
Third Viewer’s Email:
What’s up Coach!
Just checking in. I’ve been following your work since 2014 and read the book more than 50 times. I understand its key philosophy and power.
I’m 40 but still pulling chicks in their 20s. Here’s a good example of the take away, my favorite thing to do.
Here’s this short text exchange. And again, this is a really simple thing, but this communicates everything. So, it’s obvious that the girl that he’s talking to is trying to test him, because she’s not really that excited to go out with him. Whereas, the second email I just read, this guy would have probably bent over backwards to agree to what she wanted, because he was just desperate to spend time with a girl.
Whereas, this guy has read the book 50 times, he knows what her text means, which is a sign of low interest. And so, he doesn’t want to waste his time on a date with a girl that’s not that into it. And that’s why he does the takeaway, because he wants to make sure if he’s going to spend his time and money with somebody, that she actually wants to spend her time with him. Because if she doesn’t, she’ll dip out. It makes it very easy for her to cancel and not go on the date. You don’t waste your time or your money with somebody that’s not interested.
HIM: “Hey, I’ll see you at 8:00. Let me know if anything changes.”
HER: “8:00?? Can you do earlier? I’m like a 6:30 kinda girl. Like, leave work, get a drink and food. Get home at a good time, so I can smoke and sleep, ideally.”
HIM: “I’m not free until then. I have a few errands I need to handle. Maybe we can do another time, like the weekend.”
HER: “Let’s just do today. I’ll figure it out!”
Be well coach. Later dude.
So, he just makes it easy for her to go, “I don’t want to do this.” And so, she just said, “Yeah, we can do it on the weekend.” Then he was like, “Alright, great.” You want a woman that is going to keep the date, that’s excited to see you, whose attitude is going to change when you communicate that you’re willing to do something else. In other words, you’re making it easy for her to not go on the date, because you don’t want to waste your time.
Guys that have choices don’t want to waste their time. They’re not used to wasting their time, so therefore they’re not going to put up with it. Whereas, a guy that’s got no choices and options, like guy number two, when she texts him something like that, he’s going to go, “Okay, 6:30.” And then what happens is she’ll cancel on him right before the date. Like literally say, “Don’t hate me, but I’ve got to cancel. I can’t make it today.”
But the fact that this guy stood up to her, and he says, “I’m not free until then. I have a few errands I need to handle. Maybe we can do another time, like the weekend,” making it easy for her. And so, her response is, “Let’s just do today. I’ll figure it out.” Imagine that. So, a little test like that, just to see what kind of guy he is. Is he willing to stand up for his time, or is he willing to say ‘thanks, but no thanks’? This is the difference, right here.
When you’ve got a girl that’s borderline, and you pull the take away like that, she’s trying to see what you’re made of. She’s not really down that much, but it completely changes her attitude when you’re like, “Oh, let’s just do it another time.” And that is the little subtle difference the abundance mentality makes. It’s the difference between having an experience consistently, like guy number two, versus guys that took their success seriously, like guy number three, and are doing well.
Plus, guy number one’s got choices and options, but he feels a little guilty about it, and it’s obvious he needs more choices and more options, instead of just the two that he’s dating. The goal is to find the best person that you can find and attract for you. And until you get that, you’ve got to keep looking and keep searching and not settling for chicks that want to jerk you around and then letting them jerk you around. Because, guy number two, he’s probably been a doormat his whole life, but he’s not really doing much to help himself, so he shouldn’t be surprised that his life ain’t changing at all.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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