I purchased and read your book, and agree with many of your assessments. However, for me, it has always been the initial approach that has given me the most difficulty. I am very reserved and shy around new people, (especially attractive women), and have trouble approaching complete strangers, even if I am attracted to them. What are your recommendations for those like me?
My response to him:
This is a great question that a lot of men have trouble with. I used to be really shy when I was younger. I remember it like it was yesterday. A scary memory from my first week at kindergarten was, I was so afraid to talk to my teacher and ask to go to the bathroom, that I chose to pee my pants and let the pee run down my leg and on to the carpet as I walked around the room during playtime. It seems silly now, but that was to the extreme. There is an old saying: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Obviously you want to get to the point where you can approach any woman anywhere, and start a conversation. Right now, actually doing that probably scares the crap out of you, so we will start with something easy, something that is in bite size chunks if you will.
If you keep doing what you’ve always done, guess what? You’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. Repetition is the mother of skill, so practice is the key. Forget about talking to women, or people in general, that intimidate you. Go to your favorite large department store, some place that has lots of departments and lots of people working there. I want you to practice “opinion openers.” Opinion openers are opening lines that ask a question or opinion on something. Now imagine I go to a large sports department store. I can ask simple questions of the staff there. Men or women. Ugly or attractive people. It does not matter. Just talk to any clerk that you feel comfortable approaching. Old people, it does not matter. Here is some of the things I might ask… “Do you have any Brett Favre jerseys?” Now, I live in Delray Beach Florida. The local “Sports Authority” store only has Miami Dolphin football player jerseys. I already know this. However, if I want to overcome my shyness, it gives me something to ask and talk about with a total stranger. They might respond back: “No, we only have Miami Dolphin player jerseys.” You can then ask another question to keep the conversation going. You could say, “can I find the Favre jerseys online, and order them there?” “Can I order a jersey from you and have it sent to my house?” Questions are powerful in conversations. People love to talk about themselves and give advice. If you are asking questions, you control the conversation. By talking to clerks that do not intimidate you, and asking seemingly innocuous questions, you will start to get bored with this and think it’s easy. Then, start asking people who you feel a little uncomfortable approaching, simple questions. Go at your own pace and slowly work up to asking more and more attractive women questions in the form of opinions. You will see it’s really no big deal. It only seems like a big deal, because this is something that is out of your comfort zone. Something you do not do a lot.
You may have always been too shy to talk to strangers up until now, but remember, you don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start, to be great. Schedule a few hours a week to regularly go to stores or malls to ask questions of strangers. You will see most people would love to help you and chat with you. The more women you talk to, the more you can start asking opinions on dating, relationships, etc. when you feel ready for it. As soon as you start to feel too uncomfortable, you can then say, “It was nice chatting with you. Thanks for your help,” and then move on. Most people major in minor things. Take action and baby steps on a weekly consistent basis, and over time your shyness will dissolve as the illusion that it is.
Try it out and let me know what happens.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur