How To Ask Women Out With Confidence Instead Of Weakness

The importance of asking women out when you notice them instead of waiting.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He started noticing a girl at the gym who seemed to be putting herself in his orbit so he could shoot his shot. However, he kept chickening out. When he finally worked up the nerve to ask her out she rejected him.

I tell him what to do differently next time. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who is new to my work. He’s been following for about three months and it’s been very helpful in helping him heal from his past relationships. So over the last several weeks, he noticed a girl at the gym who seemed to be putting herself in his orbit to make it easy for him to shoot his shot, because that’s typically what women will do in the gym when they like you is they’ll come near you. Just women in general will be near you when they like you. So he’s seen her there with her friends looking at him, kind of giggling, laughing, that kind of thing. Several times he was thinking he was going to ask her out or talk to her, and he just chickened out. Then eventually he finally asked her out, asked for her a number, and she shot him down. Then he sheepishly asked for her social media, she turned him down for that. His friends are basically convinced, “Oh yeah, she definitely likes you, bro.”

So one thing I want to say is that if she had super high interest, she would have just been happy that he finally was talking to her, but if her interest is kind of mediocre and she was looking at him like, “Oh, he’s kind of cute,” and maybe she was talking to her girlfriends and her girl friends are like, “Oh, he’s ugly. He’s got a big nose,” or whatever, “I don’t like him,” and her interest is mediocre, that could be enough for her to go, “Oh, I won’t go out with him because my friends don’t accept him.” Again, if her interest is super high, doesn’t really matter.

You’ve probably heard me say many times, if you hesitate, you will masturbate. So it looks like her interest was mediocre at best, but he kept chickening out and she could tell. Probably because he’s making eye contact with her, he’s constantly looking in her direction, and this goes on over the course of several weeks or a month or two. I mean, when it takes you like a month, month and a half to work up the courage to talk to a girl who appears to be giving you signals that she’s interested, and then you finally work up the courage, the damage has been done, but the chances of success were low at best, but the fact that he waited just looks like she wasn’t into it at all. He maybe misread the situation, or again, peer pressure from her girl friends to reject him might be all it took.

It is a good email to discuss, especially for people that are new to my work. The idea is, if a woman’s making eye contact and smiling at you, that typically means they like what they see and they’re interested.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Hope all is well.

I’ve been following your work for around three months now and it has been very helpful in healing from my past relationship. There’s a girl at my gym that I find very attractive and mysterious. I initially noticed her, thought she was cute, but just left it at that.

Again, if you hesitate, you’ll masturbate. If a girl is giving you googly eyes in the gym, you don’t talk to her, and you keep smiling and making eye contact, but you don’t have the courage to go over to her, eventually she realizes that you don’t have the confidence to talk to her. The number one strength characteristic that women love in men is confidence.

For two weeks straight, I started seeing her more often, which I found strange since I had never seen her before.

Also the universe tends to keep bringing you the same people over and over, and if you bitch out and you don’t say anything, they move on. They dismiss you.

As the days went by, I noticed she started staring at me more and more.

Well again, it’s like you’re seeing these indicators. It’s like, go over and talk to her. Say hello. Ask her what she’s up to. Say, if she’s new to the gym and you’ve never seen her there before. Just simple openers. Doesn’t have to be anything spectacular. You’re not there to be a dancing and performing seal if the girl likes you. Remember, attraction is not a choice.

She seems a little shy when she’s alone, but when she’s with her friends, they’ll smile and sort of laugh as I walk by and stare at them.

Again, you’re walking by and you’re making eye contact, but you’re not doing anything. So again, when this goes on for a couple of months and you constantly look over like you’re interested but you’re too scared to approach. Eventually they realize that’s the issue and you’re supposed to be the confident one.

I thought she was giving me mixed signals, so I hadn’t approached her. She would work out next to me and basically get in my orbit.

Again, she’s doing things like that and you don’t talk to her, and her interest isn’t super high to begin with, eventually she realizes you lack confidence. Again, if her girl friends have something negative to say and her interest is mediocre, even if she thinks you’re cute, she won’t go out with you because she’s worried about peer pressure. She’s worried about what her friends think. Again, especially if you’re young, that’s a big thing, especially coming out of high school and your early to mid 20s. Everybody tends to be worried about what everybody else thinks.

One night as I was leaving the gym, I noticed she was with her friend at the exit talking, as I left the gym, she left right after me and was right behind me.

You could have turned around and said, “Are you following me? Are you stalking me in the parking lot?”

I was caught off guard and bitched out from talking to her. I felt like she made it pretty clear that she wanted me to talk to her so I told myself the next time I see her I’m for sure going to shoot my shot.

That’s typically what happens. “Alright, now I’m finally going to say something!” I mean, we’ve all been there. I did stuff like this when I was younger. Every guy listens to this is like, “Yeah, I’ve done that before.” It could be a girl at school or on campus or somebody that maybe works in the same office building or lives in your apartment complex, and you keep seeing her and you keep bitching out, eventually she just realizes you don’t have the confidence, and she dismisses the chance that she’d be interested in you anymore. Then when you finally do work up the courage, usually it’s when she’s kind of pulled away and she no longer seems interested because rejection breeds obsession. Then he’s like, “Oh, I gotta shoot my shot,” but by then it’s like, the moment has passed. It’s also possible maybe she met somebody else in the meantime. Again, if you hesitate, you’ll masturbate.

Ironically three weeks go by and I hadn’t seen her at the gym. I felt like I ruined my only shot. To my surprise, I saw her this week and finally approached her. I told her that I thought she was cute and was wondering if I can get her number.

I wouldn’t say, “Well, I was wondering if I can get your number?” You say, “We should get together for a drink sometime. You’re kind of cute. We should get together for a drink sometime. Let me get your number.” Then you hand her your phone with the screen already open to where she could put her contact in, but when you said, “Well, I was wondering if I could get your number?” And you’ve been hesitating for two months.

She looked flattered from my compliment but she replied with, “I don’t give my number out.”

In other words, what that really means is, “I don’t give my number out to guys unless I’m interested in them.”

I then followed up with, “I understand. Is it cool if I get your Instagram?”

So just the way you phrase that again, you’re talking to her like you want to be one of her fans. So you want her number to go out with her. You don’t want her social media. When a girl offers you her social media when you ask for her number, it’s her way of dismissing you and rejecting you nicely. That kind of seems like she’s potentially interested. Then the guy’s like, “I got a chance,” but again, what you’re missing from this whole thing is there’s not a, “Hell yeah, I’d love to go out! Finally, so glad you came over!” You don’t hear any of that,

She said, “I don’t give that out to people I don’t know either.” I finally asked her if she had a boyfriend. She playfully said, “No, I don’t.” What confuses me is that she said, “If you see me, you can come up and talk to me.”

In other words, “You can be one of my fans.”

I then said alright and ended the conversation by introducing myself, asked for her name, and said it was nice to meet her and confidently walked away.

You gave your name away without asking or without letting her ask. I mean, at this point it’s pretty clear she’s not interested, especially when you’re asking for her social media and she shoots you down for that.

I initially took this as in she’s not interested, but my friends are saying that…

Yeah, your friends, I’m sure have less experience than you,

…Maybe she wants to feel me out in person a little more before exchanging contact info.

Well, if you were in a rush and you were worried, ideally, if you can’t talk to her in person, if you’re too scared to do that, what do you think is going to happen on a date? You got to be able to have at least a decent conversation with her. Say you’re in a rush. Say you’re like, “Hey, I wanted to come over and say hello. You’re really cute, but I gotta run. Let me grab your number. I’d love to chat sometime,” and just give her your phone, like you presuppose, of course she’s glad you came over and of course she’s going to give you the number, but the whole way you went about it is you were treating her like a celebrity, and she basically treated you like a fan.

I thought this girl was clearly into me after all the signs she was giving me, but I don’t know anymore. Any thoughts on this situation? Appreciate the help!

Best,

Bob

Well like I said, if you hesitate, you’ll masturbate. When you stare at a chick like that when she’s with her girl friend several times over the course of a month or two, after a while it starts to look weird and creepy, like you have no confidence. Then by the time you finally work up the nerve, she’s already decided that she’s no longer interested in you. Like I said, usually a lot of times when guys notice that the woman no longer seems to be doing the things she was doing to indicate she was interested, then they shoot their shot, but by then the moment has passed. It’s also possible she had met somebody else, but she said she didn’t.

So what I would do is this, because you may see her again. If you make eye contact, smile and wave, and then go back about your business. If she comes over to you and sits down next to you and is like, “Hey you! What are you up to? What’s new? Do you do anything exciting this weekend? What did you and your girl friends do this weekend?” Whatever. Just simple conversation like that. If she sticks around, kind of lingers, she starts playing with her hair while she’s talking and you’re asking her questions and then maybe talk for five minutes or 10 minutes and you say, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime. Let me get your number,” and just hand her your phone. If she says, “Oh, I don’t give it out. Just put your number in there. Give me a break,” and that might be all it takes to push her over the edge. Like, “OK, this guy’s got a little bit of confidence. He stood up to me.”

Like I said, it looks like her interest was mediocre at best and then all the hesitation. Plus, quite frankly, I would have probably spent maybe five, 10 minutes chatting with her in person. Again, unless you were in a rush, and I told him what you can do, is if you’re in a rush to get the number quickly, then you can call or text her later to see if you like chatting with her, but you got to get good at striking up conversations in person and not just stare at somebody for a couple of months and then work up the nerve to talk to her because that doesn’t look look good. After a while, it starts to look weird and creepy.

Guys with confidence, guys that are people persons, they talk to, everybody, anywhere. You’re going to say hello, you’re going to strike up a conversation, ask questions, ask opinions on things and then shoot your shot immediately. You’re not going to wait. Again. If you hesitate, you’ll masturbate. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t feel bad. I did it. Everybody watching this has done things like this. The idea is we’re just trying to clean up your game a little bit to give you a better possible chance for success, especially with women who what it looks like have kind of mediocre interest at best. Clearly, if she really liked you and was really interested, she would have been happy to give you her number. Don’t be asking for social media. Other than that, at least you can cross it off the list. At least you went and talked to her. Now you’ve kind of broken the ice.

Like I said, it’s possible when she sees you in the gym, you never, ever approach her, but if you make eye contact, you smile and you wave, and then you go about your business. You don’t just look and stare in her direction all the time. Think about it from this perspective: How would you treat her if you were tired of dating and sleeping with her? You’d be nice and you’d be cordial, but you’d quickly be on about your business, and you wouldn’t be lingering because you don’t want to give her the impression that you’re still interested. Either way, it’s a victory. You can cross it off the list because you shoot your shot, and now you know. On to the next. Just do better next time. That’s all you got to do.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube or join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can sign up for a 7-day free trial to check out what content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.