How To Attract Her Back Before She Leaves For Good

How to attract her back before she moves out and leaves for good after a breakup.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his live in girlfriend. They have three young kids together. A few months ago she said she needed space. He begged and pleaded with her to no avail. They’ve had a lot of fights and she is basically living like she’s single and going out all dressed up without him.

She says she’s moving out as soon as she has enough money. He wants to stay together, but now wonders if she is for the streets since she seems to be living like a free agent who is looking for a new man, while she lives with him and he continues paying all of their bills. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

She broke up with him in May, but they still live together. So I guess her plan is they’re going to continue living together while she saves money. Then when she has enough, she’s going to move out and dip.

So this guy, like most guys that come to me, he wants to keep his family together. He obviously displayed a lot of unattractive behavior. He just came across my work about a month ago. He’s read 3% Man one time after a friend of his recommended it. So he’s trying to keep his family together.

Character is destiny. We got to look at what is the character of this woman because she’s displaying some behavior that is questionable and he’s wondering, does she belong to the streets? Is it possible that we can fix this? If you’re in one of these situations and you’re living with your girlfriend or your wife, I have a lot of clients that are in this situation, they’ve gotten dumped. They didn’t see it coming. They want to stay together. They want to keep their families together.

So it’s like, how do you operate? What do you do when you’ve been dumped, when you’re living together and your girl is, in essence, going out, living like a free agent and probably trying to line up the next guy if she doesn’t already have somebody that she’s seeing and you want to attract her back? What do you do? What do you do to put yourself in a position where you’re the most attractive guy you can be to not only potentially re-attract her, but somebody else? Especially if you later determined that this woman just got a character flaw and things are not fixable because those things are going to happen.

In a lot of cases, the guys displayed so much unattractive behavior for such a long period of time. He stops being the masculine leadership role in the relationship and abdicates to her. In other words, he treats her like his mommy and his therapist instead of his teammate and his partner and his lover and the person he co-parents with.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

My name is Bob… I was introduced to your work one month ago by my friend when my fiancé ended our 12 year relationship. Since then, I admit to cherry picking videos, but also have listened 3% Man only one time completely, started on the 2nd and followed along with the free copy online while waiting for your paper back to come by mail. I am 34 and she is 31, We have three young children and currently live together still. She says she’s moving out but waiting to have the funds to do so.

It’s important when you’re in this situation, especially because if a woman says, “I need space,” that means you’re smothering or you’re calling too much or texting too much. You’re acting needy. You’re acting clingy. She feels like she’s losing her freedom by her interactions with you. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” She feels the opposite of free, so he’s probably been controlling, among other things.

We met at a young age and had a lot of immature, unhealthy fun… Lots of partying, sex and crazy times…

Well, I don’t know what all that entailed, so that means she’s 31. So she was, what, 18, 19 when they started dating? They’ve been together a long time.

She was my first love. Due to our immaturity we started getting into petty arguments and they progressed into blowout fights.

Well, men who understand women do not argue with them, but he’s only been following me for a month and all this stuff happened way before. This is typically where guys come to me, is when things are just coming apart at the seams, basically, and they’re trying to repair things.

The number one most important thing is obviously getting through The Book and every guy that reads it, the light bulbs go off and they recognize what they’ve been doing that’s really unattractive because a lot of things women will say, doesn’t matter where they are in the world, if you act a certain way and you turn women off, they’ll all basically say the exact same things.

It’s up to you as the man, the leader of the household, to take corrective action and stop displaying all of this unattractive beta male, over-pursuing, seeking attention and validation, treating her like your mommy and your therapist type of behavior.

You’ve got to be a teammate and an equal. A man who has a goal and a mission in life and a vision for himself and his family that he wants to accomplish. Your girl is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader and fan, but if you’re flailing and you’re struggling to be the leader in your relationship, eventually what it does is it forces your girl to be in her masculine, which is not her natural essence, which she’s going to resent.

What it does, you keep a woman in her masculine long enough and she’s going back to school, is on the verge of basically becoming another breadwinner. Instead of pooling their resources, she’s looking at it as an exit, a way out. Of course, I’m sure the Red Pill dudes will go, “Hypergamy doesn’t care. This is what happens.”

You can’t be unattractive and act like a bitch for an endless period of time, because if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. They want a leader. They want a man they can admire and respect and look up to, and if you abdicate that role, eventually she’s going to leave and go find a guy who acts like a man consistently. That’s just a fact of life. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. Has nothing to do with hypergamy.

It’s a nice excuse, and the guys that get into the Red Pill nonsense, it’s like they buy into that and it’s like, “Hey, it’s not my fault. It’s hypergamy. Well, I’m not rich enough. I don’t have this. I don’t have that.” Then they absolve themselves from any personal responsibility, having gotten her to that point where she’s so turned off and unattractive to them.

You can’t just show up and act however the hell you want and act unattractive and like a beta male consistently and act like a little bitch or a doormat and think a woman is just going to put up with it forever because you’re married or she was a virgin when you got together.

I mean, that’s just stupid nonsense, and the people that push that are idiots that don’t know their asshole from a hole in the ground. Yet it’s very popular, it makes for entertaining videos on YouTube, but they’re not solving a lot of problems. They’re just finding guys that already have the problems and keeping them in a spiral. A flat spin, if you will. Keep them angry. Keeping them pissed off.

Women don’t want to be around angry, pissed off dudes that have completely lost their center. They want a man who knows how to be a leader, and the guys in the Red Pill community, they don’t get it. It’s easier to point the finger. “Strong men blame themselves. Weak men blame others,” as the late, great Don Shula would say.

I have never cheated nor abused her, but did lie to her about stupid things like hanging with friends she didn’t like and omitted times I went out with them.

Love cannot exist where there is no trust, dude. You just can’t be a devious liar and constantly get caught in it and then be shocked that she wants to leave you eventually. You just can’t do that, because if you’re a man and you say one thing and then you do the opposite, eventually she’s not going to trust your masculine core because you’re supposed to be the strong one.

You’re supposed to be the rock. You’re supposed to be the mountain. You’re not supposed to be this immature little boy that is constantly telling little lies because he wants to go and hang with his friends that she doesn’t like. That shit just can’t go on forever. It can’t go on for years and years with no consequences because you got kids together or because you’re married or you live together or you got a 30 year mortgage, she won’t leave you. That’s not how it works in the real world.

She fell in love with you because at least at one point in time in your relationship, you were the man, you were the leader, you were the driver of the fun bus. Somewhere along the way, it’s like you made her the man in the relationship. If you make her the man, eventually she’s going to leave you to go find somebody who acts like a real man. That’s just a fact of life.

She never let go of these things and brings them up to this day… 

Well, the reason why women continually bring up the same issue over and over years later, is because they’re trying to communicate to you that whatever you’re doing now, that’s hurt them, the reason they bring up the old thing, is because you’re hurting them in the same way as you did then.

You’re making them feel the same way as you did back then, but most guys don’t understand that. Then they want to use logic and reason to argue with her, which just pisses her off. That’s when you get, “You’re not listening.” “What are you talking about? Of course I’m listening.” Well, if you don’t acknowledge where she’s coming from, if you don’t acknowledge the fact that you’re hurting her now in the same way that you did back then, she’s going to feel like you’re not listening and she’s going to say that.

Guys that want to argue and press the point instead of understanding where she’s coming from and why she’s saying what she’s saying, you’re going to have a real hard time resolving your differences if you don’t understand this about women.

She got pregnant 3 years in with my 1st son and I assumed the father role immediately, got a job at a wind turbine factory where I climbed from a temp position to a supervisor and now Engineer of our Department..

Well, that’s what masculine energy is. So at least for much of the relationship, or at least in that particular time, you were being the leader. You were being the man, and she felt safe trusting your masculine core. You’ve got to be consistent. You can’t vacillate and flop back and forth between being in your masculine and being in your feminine.

I have been the only person working for the past 11 years while she has been a stay at home mom and went to school to obtain her Masters degree in Human Resources… We once fought because I reached out my HR and asked for resources for therapy due to being overwhelmed by work, fatherhood and feeling lost. She found the HR lady’s number in my car and accused me of cheating even called her at my work to try to ask why I had her number.

The other thing to keep in mind is, there’s multiple instances here where she’s accusing him of cheating. Typically people who are liars and cheaters, that’s what they do. They project what’s inside. If they’re a liar and a cheater and they’re devious in that way, they’re going to constantly accuse people that they’re with of lying and cheating. So that’s a red flag.

That’s something to be concerned about, unless maybe he’s leaving out details like he actually did cheat on her in the past. We don’t know. Sometimes these guys, when they write emails and they lie or they bullshit me, I can only go off of what they tell me. I’m not psychic, but most of the time I can see through the bullshit.

She started working her first job for around 2 months ago and graduates school in August… She sat me down in May this year and said that she needed space.

Well, that means you were smothering her. You’re all over her ass like white on rice. Acting needy, treating her like your mommy and your therapist, making her the man in the relationship. Especially if you’re going through a difficult time at work and you’re asking about help for mental health issues or whatever. Women will put up with you going through a difficult time maybe six months, maybe a year on average, because I’ve been doing this a long time, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been with her 30 years.

If you abdicate the leadership role in your relationship for a year or more where you basically turn your wife or girlfriend into your mommy or your therapist, you get about a year, maybe a year and a half, before she’s going to get so turned off where she just doesn’t feel any attraction for you and you’re like roommates.

Then that’s when they’re going to want to leave. Especially when they encounter a guy who actually acts like a man and listens to them and opens them up because you’re no longer doing it, because you’re always trying to argue with her about things. That’s how affairs start to happen.

She doesn’t feel heard and understood. Her needs aren’t getting met. The guy is not dating and courting her properly because he’s flailing in his own life. You just can’t turn into a man baby in the middle of your relationship, especially when you’ve got three little kids. Every woman has got her breaking point and they’re just not going to stay with you forever when you behave that way.

That’s one of the things that really pisses the Red Pill guys off is that fact. It’s like, they want to be able to go through difficult times and flail around for a couple of years and display all kinds of unattractive, unmasculine behavior and expect to be loved like their mommy loves them.

It’s like they treat their women like their mommy, and then they’re shocked that they get totally turned off and their pussies become drier than the Sahara Desert and they don’t want to sleep with them and they eventually leave them. They got into the relationship because of your strength and your masculinity, and if you stop being that, if you stop being the person they fell in love with, they’re going to leave you.

I handled the situation poorly and begged for her to stay which only made her attraction drop lower and she doubled down.

Yeah, you are already treating her like your mommy and your therapist. Then you did it even more.

One week later my mother passed away. I invited her to my mom’s nursing home and she sat with me and watched my mom pass… The same night we went home, started talking about her work and how things were going and it transpired into our relationship and she solidified that she still wanted space.

Again, you can’t make your girlfriend your mommy. You cannot do this. It’s not what she’s there for. You can go through a short period of time, but obviously whatever he’s been going through at work or whatever, being overwhelmed with stress, it’s like you need to get your shit together dude, and take care of you. You can’t expect her to be the man in the relationship, raise the kids and be your mommy and your therapist.

I’ve tried no contact but living together has made it difficult.

When you’re in this case and you’ve got kids, you should get all of your arrangements made ahead of time so you have no reason to call or text her, especially when she says she needs space. That should be a sign to you that you need to get focused on your life again. Going back to the gym, reconnecting with old friends and re-establishing friendships you may have let go by the wayside over the last 10-12 years that you guys have been together.

You got to get back to being the self-reliant dude you were when you guys met. You just you have to stop this crap with you treating her like your mommy and your therapist and begging her to spend time with you and begging her for her attention and validation.

You’ve got to get to a happy place yourself. You’ve got to get to a place where you love and enjoy your life outside of your relationship with your girlfriend, because if you’re not proud of yourself or proud of your life or excited about it, for that matter, how are you going to get her excited about it? If you’re going through a difficult time and you’re depressed and you’re not happy, if you’re not proud of yourself and proud of your life, it’s like your girl’s not going to be proud of it or excited to be a part of it either. That’s just a fact of life.

After the first week I took my kids to a bday party and was approached by a young attractive female was given her number, our iPhone contacts synced she found out and said this was her line even tho she already left a week before.

Yeah well, now she’s trying to point the finger and say it’s all your fault, which ultimately it is because you stopped being the man in the relationship at some point, probably for the last several years.

Now it’s my fault apparently…

Well, you are the leader and the buck stops with you. The word lead means “to go first.” As Jocko Willink says, “You got to take extreme ownership of your life,” and that includes your relationship as well, and you’re not doing that. That’s why they blame you, because you’re supposed to be the strong one. You’re supposed to be the leader. Always. Even when you go through a difficult time, you’ve got to get over it. You’ve got to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and dust your ass off. You get knocked down. You got to get back up again.

What is that Sylvester Stallone quote from the Rocky movie? “It’s not how many times you can get hit or how hard you can get hit. It’s how hard can you get hit and still keep moving forward in life.” What happened was life knocked this guy down and he’s been flailing for the last few years and acting like a spoiled little boy or a petulant little child. It’s totally unattractive.

…And I ended the relationship. 

So in other words, she’s blaming that, but she’d already left because of all the unattractive behavior. She’s hurt. She’s upset. She’s mad that he stopped being the guy that she fell in love with.

I have been reading Mastering Yourself as well, working out 6 days a week…

Good job.

…And just had a night out with a buddy we rented a Porsche and stayed in Breckenridge for a weekend.

She said before I left that if I went out that this was another line and she’d never be back..

Well, she’s already dumped you and broken up with you. It’s like, “You already broke up with me and you’ve been going out and having a good time. I’ve got to spend time with my friends. You take the kids for a few days. I’ve been the breadwinner here for the last 11 years. While you’ve been going to school, I’ve been paying for everything. So if I want to go hang out for a weekend, I should be able to do that without you threatening to end the relationship which you’ve already ended anyways.”

Idk what to do or where to go from here… I love her but am not sure if this relationship will work out or if I want it but don’t want to fuck my kids up by splitting…

Well, what your kids need is a great example of a dad from you and a great example of a mom from her. Or in the future, you finding another woman who is a better step mom than your ex is their own mother.

That’s the best thing you can do. They need the best example they can get. They need a healthy example. If you guys are yelling and screaming at each other all the time, all you’re doing is teaching your kids that that’s how life is. That’s how relationships are. Then all they’re going to do is grow up and emulate that.

I’m writing this laying in bed with them, it’s 10 p.m. she just got all dressed up and left saying she’ll be back in the morning before I leave for work… Is she for the streets? Am I being a pussy? Any advice for my situation?

Thanks dude,

Bob

Well, you’re sitting home taking care of the kids and she’s going out like a single person. Now granted, you did that, too, but we’re in early July now, and she broke up with you in May. So you, in essence, have been single for the last month, month and a half, and it’s clear that she’s working to line up your replacement, if she might already have a replacement because she’s getting all dressed up and looking hot like that, and it’s been years or a long time since she did that for you? Obviously, she’s trying to get somebody’s attention, and it ain’t yours.

So what would I do if I was in this situation? Well, number one, you got to be reading the book backwards and forwards constantly. You can’t just read it once and go, “OK, I’m done.” You got to read it 10-15 times. You got to fill your brain up with this information and get to know it so well, that you can teach a class on it, because you’ve got to recognize as quickly as possible what unattractive behaviors are you still displaying that you need to stop and what attractive behaviors are you not displaying that you need to start displaying.

That’s the most important thing that you can do for being a man, and if you’re broken up and she’s going out on dates or going out with their girlfriends and having girls night out or whatever. I mean, if you guys aren’t together and she’s adamant that she’s leaving and it sure looks like she’s dating or acting like she’s single, even though you live together. So she’s going out to line up a new man and you’re just supposed to sit at home and take care of the kids while she does this? As Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me.”

You got to start acting like a man who loves and values himself. If we look at her behavior and we bottom line her actions, she’s already left, even though you guys still live together. So this girl that gave you her number a couple of weeks ago when you were with your kids, that she accused you of cheating? If the girl likes you, take her out on a date and start dating, hanging out, having fun, hooking up with other people because you’ve been dumped almost two months now. It’s not like she’s wanting to hang out and do anything with you. For the most part, she’s going out and trying to line up a new man.

The way you should look at this situation is she’s just a potential candidate. In other words, you can fix your relationship, but it requires her to participate. Right now she’s going out, obviously trying to get attention from other men. She may be dating other guys and hooking up with them. You don’t know. I mean, she broke up with you a month and a half ago. Well, probably close to two months ago at this point, and she’s biding her time and saving money.

When you just lay around the house and you’re waiting on her hand and foot and begging her to spend her time and attention with you, and yet she continually acts single, it’s like you’ve got to become the best guy that you can be. She’s going out and dating, hanging out, having fun and probably hooking up with other guys, you should do the same thing with other women.

If she complains about it, it’s like, “Well, you’re going out all dressed up, looking like you’re going to the club or whatever, and it’s obvious you aren’t dressing up for me to go on a date with me. You’re dressing up to go get attention from other men, and you’re telling me you’re moving out. You’re the one that said you wanted space. You ended the relationship two months ago. You’re probably going out on dates with other guys.”

“If you’re going to behave single, I’m going to behave single. If you don’t want me behaving single, then you need to cut it out immediately as well, because unless you make a change, I’m looking for a next great love of my life. If you’re the one dipping out, you dipped first. So the only way we can make our family work is if you make an effort. If you want to go out and party like a rock star and meet other dudes? Well don’t get mad when I go out and meet other girls.”

The reality is, that will change her attitude. If she knows you’re getting attention from other women, especially women that are pretty or prettier and younger than her? That’s going to bother her. If she can feel that you’re getting back to the guy you used to be and other women are giving you attention and you’re indifferent to her complaints, and when she gets on you about it, you’d be like, “You’re going out all the time. You’re getting dressed up like you’re going to a club or whatever, or you got a hot date with somebody. What am I supposed to think? You’re not dressing up for me, so don’t get mad when I go out with my friends or I go out on a date with a girl. We’re either together or we’re not. We’re either working on our relationship or we’re not.”

“You left two months ago, so if you don’t want me going out and dating other girls or acting single, then you need to cut that shit out immediately, and let’s work on our relationship. If you don’t like it, you’re not going to go out and party and act like a single person and I’m going to sit here and babysit the kids while you’re getting your pelvis beat up by Chad Thunder Cock. It’s not going to happen.”

“So if you want to work things out, great. I’m not moving out. You don’t go anywhere, you don’t move out of the master suite.” It’s up to her if she wants to sleep in the guest room or go stay at a family member’s house, she can do that. You’re like, “I want us to to work things out, but if you’re going to date and act single, well, I’m going to date an act single. If I meet somebody else and fall in love, then I will leave you, because you left two months ago.”

“You already left our family. Some day when the kids are old enough, you’re going to get to explain to them why you broke us up, why you broke the family up, because you want to be a big old boss girl. Go out and get a job and then act like a single girl accused me of cheating, when you’re the one getting all dressed up looking like a hooker, going out partying at the nightclubs. What do you expect I’m going to do? If you act single, I’m going to act single.”

“If you want to work on a relationship, great. Let’s work on the relationship and stop going out. If you’re going to get dressed up like that, I think you look hot, but you need to be getting dressed up like that to go out with me,” and you got to hang out, have fun and hook up. You know, treat her like one of the girls that you’re potentially dating.

It’s like all the rules of seduction. Everything that’s in the book about that, when she gets too close, when you’re talking and she’s playing with her hair and she’s touching your arm, seduce her, hang out and have fun and hook up. Simple as that. Just treat her like one of the girls that you’re dating, because right now, the way she’s behaving, you’re a guy she used to date that she still lives with, and yet she’s lining up your replacement and you’re just sitting around on your hands doing nothing.

So if she gives you a hard time about it, throw it right back in her face. Right in all her behavior, because it’s not going to happen where she gets to behave this way and then you’re going to sit at home and and babysit the kids and pay all the bills and facilitate her finding a new man and saving up money so she can just leave you and go be with somebody else.

If she wants to be single, you both can be single and you can be roommates, and at any time between now and you meet somebody else and fall head over heels in love, she can fix things and put the family back together. Until she’s ready to do that, until she’s ready to make an effort, until she no longer wants space, play ball dude.

You’re a free agent. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You can’t have a double standard here where she acts single and you’re committed to her. It’s just not going to work that way.

Her just knowing that you potentially are going out on dates or are going out on dates is going to cause an attitude adjustment, especially if you’re acting attractive. Then she’ll realize that there’s a chance she loses you to another woman. Versus right now, all the leverage is on her side, because you’re just sitting around with your thumb up your butt while she’s going out and meeting other guys.

If she sees you doing the same thing with girls, that puts you both on a level playing field. In other words, she’s going to have to work to keep you. Right now, she doesn’t have to do anything. You’re just sitting around waiting on her. If you get back to being an available single guy who’s entertaining offers from other women because she’s doing the same thing with other guys, that might give her the attitude adjustment that she needs.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.