How To Avoid Awkward Rejections With Female Coworkers

How to avoid awkward rejections with female coworkers.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who misinterpreted his female coworker’s being nice to him for being romantically interested. He vomited his feelings to her and she said she didn’t feel the same. She took his response as a threat and reported him to the company and he got disciplined. Now things are awkward. Sometimes they smile and make eye contact at each other and sometimes she seems to avoid him. He’s still interested but can’t let go. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How To Avoid Awkward Rejections With Female Coworkers”.

Well, I hope you’re enjoying the puppy pandemonium that I’ve got going on here in my lap. Let’s see. Drop the little rubber key. Maybe they’ll chase each other or start barking. Anyways, this particular email is from a viewer who misinterpreted his female coworkers being nice to him for her being interested. And so I guess eventually he finally worked up the nerve. He was trying to ask her out. And then, you know, he kept getting interrupted by other people at work, and then he decided to just vomit his feelings and tell her how much he liked her. And then she says, “Well, I don’t feel the same way.”

And so he said something to her in response, and she took that as a threat. So I don’t know what he said to her. He doesn’t reveal it in her, but she reported him to the company. And then he got disciplined for it. And so now things are kind of awkward. So but he says sometimes she smiles at him and makes eye contact, and other times she won’t even look at him and scurries away. So you just imagine how he just made it kind of weird and awkward at this point. And so I’ve done a lot of videos over the years about this.

If you’re working with female coworkers, especially in the #MeToo era, and you think a girl is interested in you, the best way to know for sure, there’s a couple of options. Because you want to see if she’s interested, you want to create the conditions where if she truly is interested, she can reveal that interest and you don’t have to risk rejection. So number one, it could be organizing a group of coworkers to go to happy hour together. You and the girl you like, and a few of the other women from the office all going to a happy hour together.

And then a happy hour, you can see, what does she do? If she likes you, she’s going to find a reason to sit next to you and talk to you and engage with you. And if she doesn’t, she’s going to sit away from you and not really give you any signs that she’s interested. So that’s one way you can do it. You could also, if you’re just talking and you’re like, “Hey, what are you and your friends doing this week?” And “Oh, we’re doing this blah, blah, blah. What are you and your friends doing?” “Oh, we’re going here.”

And then you could just simply say, “Hey, we’re going to be near where you guys are at. Take my number. And if you guys are down there, hit us up. Maybe we can all meet up in a group and hang out together. I got a bunch of guy friends, and you got a bunch of single girlfriends. It’d be fun to hang out.” And you could do it like that. If she likes you, she’ll take the number and maybe she texts you.

Maybe she doesn’t, but at least if she’s got your number, she’ll find a reason to reach out and potentially meet up with you or text you at a different time and say, “Hey, what are you doing?” And then you can invite her to do something after that. So there’s two different approaches that you can do it in a way that just seems like you’re inviting her and to hang out with other coworkers, or your group of friends, and her group of friends can meet up. If you guys are, you know, say you’re it’s Friday afternoon or whatever, and everybody’s talking about what they’re doing that night or over the weekend.

And if you guys are doing something similar, “Hey, we’re going to be down there as well. Why don’t you take my number and hit us up? Maybe we can all meet up in a big group. That’d be a lot of fun”, and just have it that way, and you don’t really have to reveal your card. You just seem like a friendly, fun guy from the office. And that way you don’t risk anything and make it awkward like this guy has.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I joined my workplace in April last year. Around September, a girl there began showing interest in me. I think she was intrigued because I was quiet, mysterious, and never showed obvious attraction. She approached me one day, asking what I do, and I told her I’m a mathematician. After that, she started giving me looks for about a month. Although I sensed her interest.

So like when you’re getting looks like that, that’s the kind of, “Hey, what do you, what do you and your friends doing tonight? Hey, what are you guys up to this weekend?” You can say, “Oh, my buddies and I were going to go here. We’re going to do this. What are you guys doing?” And she’s like, “Oh, that’s really cool. I’ve always wanted to go there.” I was like, “Well, take my number. Maybe you guys can meet up with us. We’ll get a big table together. It’d be a lot of fun.” That’s the way it should be handled. But he didn’t do that.

She approached me one day, asking what I do, and I told her I’m a mathematician. After that, she started giving me looks for about a month. Although I sensed her interest I was insecure and hesitant to make a move.

Yeah, because you’re trying to avoid the awkward moment. That’s why inviting a bunch of people from the office to go to happy hour together then you can see, does she sit next to you? Does she sit across from you? Does she engage with you, or is she just ignore you and talk to everybody else, talking to the other guys there? If she does that and you know she’s not interested, but maybe one of the other ladies from your work is and then she’ll come over and sit next to you. Again if you read the book, you’ll be able to tell when a woman is interested and when she’s just being friendly. But in the office, you got to be a little different because you’re not sure.

Eventually, she approached me again, asking more about me. I was open and expressive, maybe a bit too loud and enthusiastic. I also asked a few questions about her. The next day, she suddenly stopped giving me attention. That hit my insecurities hard, and I started chasing her.

Yeah, it’s a bad way to go. And so if she’s, like, ignoring you the next day, then probably if I’m a betting man, she could tell you really liked her. And she thought, “oh, this guy must be thinking, I like him.” And so that’s why she kind of dipped after that.

In November, she had an accident. Out of concern, I took her number from our work group and texted to check on her, acknowledging that it might be inappropriate.

Why would you say that? “I know it might be inappropriate for me to reach out, but I just want to know that you’re okay.”

But explaining that I just wanted to know she was okay.

Again, I wouldn’t have done that.

She replied immediately, told me all about the accident, but when I changed the topic, she ghosted me. I was devastated.

Yeah. So you said the only reason you’re reaching out is because you want to check on her. And so she believed that. And then when you try to take the conversation in another direction, it’s clear she was realizing that you’re confusing her being nice to you, with being romantically interested.

When I saw her again, she was cold and slightly rude, so I began ignoring her. Because I process emotions deeply, I became quiet and distant. Later, she gave me a friendly look but I couldn’t react because I was still emotionally blocked.

Well, again, if you call her up and she’s rude to you, I wouldn’t even look at her. I’d avoid her. I wouldn’t make eye contact. It’s like she’s invisible. In other words, you don’t notice her. But if you ever notice each other, you happen to look over. And you didn’t realize she was there, and she looks at you. Just smile, wave, and then just go about what you’re doing. Don’t smile and go [makes scary awkward face.]. Stare at her like that. If you see her, you’re like, [waves hand]. And then just turn and go back to what you were doing. Like you acknowledge her, you say hello and that’s it. You smile, you wave, and then you go about your business. You don’t go up to her. You don’t walk over to her. You don’t do anything.

Even though we still talked, I felt she wasn’t as comfortable anymore.

A month later, I decided to rebuild communication, keeping it strictly work-related. She was guarded at first.

Again, that’s pretty obvious. She doesn’t like you.

But gradually opened up. In February, just before my holidays, I teasingly commented on her looks, which she took personally.

It’s like she doesn’t like you.

When I returned in April, she seemed friendly again. I shared funny holiday stories, and she laughed; then she shared hers, and we both enjoyed the exchange. On another day, she approached me twice to chat briefly, and I noticed she had read my old message from November. Things seemed to be improving.

So that’s like six months. So in other words, six months later, she finally looked at what you said. It’s like I would not be handling things this way. The problem is you’re too focused on your interest in her, and you’re looking for any kind of sliver of evidence that she feels the same way, which doesn’t look like she does.

One day, we ended up working together for nearly six hours straight. We had a great time and even shared a car ride home. The next time we met, she seemed nervous maybe excited and I felt the moment was right to ask her out, but someone interrupted. A few days later, she looked disappointed and avoided me.

I think probably because she could tell that you were trying to work up the nerve to ask her out. That’s what it looks like. She’s just being friendly with her coworker and you’re thinking, “She wants me!” Which she clearly doesn’t.

It felt like we were trapped in an emotional loop neither moving forward nor letting go.

Well, you weren’t moving forward, and you weren’t letting her go. That’s the problem. You’re projecting there.

In early May, I told her that I enjoy talking with her. Her eyes lit up, and I was about to ask her out again when we were interrupted. A week later, I finally told her directly that I liked her. She said she didn’t feel the same. Trying to lighten the moment, I made a joking comment she misunderstood as a threat, which led to a disciplinary mediation.

It’s like, yeah, that’s check please, dude. That’s it. It’s done. It’s over with. When you’re joking around with somebody and they go and they report you and then you. Got to have disciplinary mediation. So that sounds like it’s you and her and a third person.

She said she only wanted a professional relationship.

So again when that happens it’s if, you make eye contact, you can smile and then look away and go about your business.

I respected that completely  stopped talking unnecessarily, avoided her workspace, and kept my distance. Still, I can’t deny I feel drawn to her whenever I see her.

Cut it out, dude. She’s not interested in you.

Even though I’ve become more confident and social with other women. After reading your book in August, I realized I’d grown emotionally, yet something about her still affects me differently.

Well, rejection breeds obsession. You spend a lot of time thinking about her and getting wrapped up in your emotions and your feelings towards her, and then just ignored the fact that she wasn’t into you, dude.

In August, we had a few accidental eye contacts, but I always looked away. Then, in late September, I saw her at the marketplace. She saw me too, but I completely ignored her. After that, at work, she tried to make eye contact a few times, yet I couldn’t hold it, I just smiled faintly and walked away.

Which is, quite frankly, the right thing to do. You’ve got discipline. So it’s like she’s out forever. Unless she texts you and says she wants to actually go out and see you outside of work. Other than that, I would just avoid her because you’re jeopardizing your job carrying around this fantasy.

A week later, I noticed she started turning away immediately when she saw me, almost as if she was hurt.

No, she doesn’t want to give you the impression that she likes you because she can tell you really like her. That’s the problem.

Now I’m conflicted, should I maintain No Contact?

Yep.

To let things settle, or try to reconnect lightly with humor or kindness to break the silence?

I wouldn’t be engaging with this woman at all. So you basically tried to get you fired, Dude. You’re going, “I think she likes me.” It’s like, come on, bro, you’re projecting your fantasy of what you want onto her, and you are absolutely, completely ignoring that she has zero interest in you and any further engagement with her other than smiling and saying hello or waving if you make eye contact, you’re just risking your job and it’s just not worth it. The girl doesn’t like you. You’ve got to be okay with this and just move on. Talk to other women in the office. That’s what you should be doing. Talk to other people.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.