How To Avoid Coming On Too Strong So She Chases You

How to avoid coming on too strong so she chases you for sex and romance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work and just a beginner when it comes to dating and seduction. His email is detailed and painful to read as he makes all the common mistakes most guys make that turn women off who were initially really into them.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who is brand new to my work. He’s a beginner and he admits he doesn’t have much of experience, but his email is kind of like, for those of you that are regular students, regular viewers, it’s like we’ve all been there. We’ve all done these same stupid mistakes, but again, it’s a good email to learn from what not to do.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey,

I hope you’re well.

I’m reaching out for clarity on a romantic situation that’s been difficult to process. I recently came across your work and have started reading your book 3% Man, and I believe you can guide me better.

Well, you got to read it 10 to 15 times and take it seriously. The idea is you read it and you apply it with the women that you’re dating, because you need enough repetitions with the material, and obviously you got to learn the material to know what’s even in there.

You need enough repetitions to see what’s in the book, showing up in either women you’re interacting with or women that you’re watching other men interact with, because the more you see the same patterns over and over and over, the more the light bulbs go off and the connections are made, and you know exactly what to do and what not to do, but you got to participate in your own rescue. Nobody’s coming to save you or fix you. You got to do this yourself, because if you don’t, you’ll keep getting rejected for the same exact reasons.

I, a 25-year-old male, met a girl who’s 28 at my workplace in March. From the beginning, there were signs of mutual attraction — Subtle flirtation, eye contact and even casual suggestions from her about going out together.

So this is what happens to most guys. They find a woman through work or their life they run into, they meet through the social circle, whatever, and she’s interested because attraction is not a choice. Women know within two or three seconds if they would date and sleep with you or not. That’s just a fact of life.

What most guys do, and like what I used to do when I didn’t know any better, and I obviously wrote about it in 3% Man, was I talked women out of liking me. So the idea is we want to talk them into liking us even more when they’re already predisposed for it, and obviously the book and spending the time with it will enable you to do that.

She once asked for my LinkedIn, which felt out of context, but I still shared it. She later left for her home country in April and returned in early June. After her return, she told me she would be resigning, which gave me the push to finally ask her out as I was hesitant to date a colleague.

Yeah, especially if you don’t know the book, and in the Me Too era, it’s dicey to try to get involved with women at work if you don’t know what you’re doing.

She took a day to reply but finally said yes.

So when a woman takes 24 hours to reply, that’s usually a sign of low interest. If she replies right away or within a short period of time, it usually means high interest.

I postponed it because I got butt-hurt and suggested another day and asked to decide the time. She again took a day to decide and I mirrored her by delaying my response until she double-texted.

Well, that’s a good way to pump the brakes and back it off, because when a woman’s doing that, jerking you around and waiting a day to reply, that’s just rude. It also shows she doesn’t give a fuck. So maybe he interacted with her enough and she realized, “Oh, this guy doesn’t have any game. He doesn’t know what he’s doing,” which does happen.

Again, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had that experience when we were younger and dumb, we don’t know any better, we meet a girl and we know for sure she’s into us, and then we spend some time with her and afterwards we could just see it in her face her eyes start looking like you just tell she gets bored, she doesn’t want to be there anymore. If you ask a woman to explain to you what happened, they can’t give you an explanation or they give you one that sounds nice, it sounds logical, doesn’t hurt your feelings, but it doesn’t make any sense, and it’s completely useless advice. When you act upon the advice that they give you, it doesn’t help you with the next girl.

Eventually, she became more engaged and would even initiate conversations, sharing small moments from her day and laughed at my silly jokes. She once mentioned she’s looking for someone to settle down with, but hasn’t found anyone who could match her vibe.

We started to bond quickly. Though I am an introvert and insecure guy, but I played cool and confident to get her attention. I also suggested a painting activity and asked what she’d like to paint. She chose a unicorn and laughed when I made horse jokes.

So a painting activity is a date. It just seems kind of messy if you’ve got nice clothes, that’s probably not what I would be doing for a first date. Ideally, you go somewhere for a nice dinner or drinks, a wine bar, something like that, a jazz place, and if that goes well, you can go to dinner and then maybe some kind of physical activity afterwards, like miniature golf, throwing axes or something like that in an air conditioned environment where you’re not getting all sweaty or dirty. I wouldn’t advise doing like one of those rage rooms where you go and smash stuff, because again, you can mess your clothes up and get all dirty, she doesn’t want to break a nail, and if you’re trying to make the seduction happen, those kind of things just get in the way.

I ordered the kit and looked forward to spending time with her. We also hung out one evening at a park. She sat very close to me, physically at ease and playfully bumped into me as we walked.

Well, those are signs of attraction. At least, at that time she was attracted.

When I dropped her back to her flat, she asked me to come over. I stayed there for an hour, but I didn’t escalate physically.

Well, if you hesitate, you will masturbate. So when you drop a girl off and she’s like, “Hey, you want to come up?” Or “Hey, you want to come in?” Usually that means she’s open to physical intimacy as long as you don’t talk her out of it.

I wanted to test the waters before jumping into it. 

Well, you could have found out if she was a good kisser or not.

The next day, I asked her to watch a movie that I’d recommended to her earlier at her place.

So he’s thinking in his mind, like most guys that don’t know any better, “Well, she was ready to go last night. Let me just get together tonight. We’ll just pick up where we left off.” That’s not how it works. When you start calling her for a date the very next day, it’s too much, too soon. Too serious, too soon. It comes off as needy and clingy.

As the book says, you’re trying to take measured steps one day per week until she starts reaching out to you, and when she does that and when you have no date set in the future and she reaches out, assume she’s reaching out because she wants to see you. So you make a date, even if she doesn’t bring up getting together again. These things are all laid out in the book.

She agreed. At her place, I playfully held her hand.

So now he’s touching her. He’s initiating contact.

She asked if I did that with all my female friends, and I don’t. I told her that I don’t believe in a platonic connection between a man and woman. We talked about past relationships, I was open about mine, and she told me a bit about hers.

So now he’s in the phase where, “OK, let’s vomit all our history. Get it out in the open.” Tell her, like in this case, he’s probably telling her he’s a virgin. He’s never dated anybody. He never had a girlfriend. Things that are just basically making him look like an amateur. Like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I talk about in the book how if that topic comes up, which it often does, how you should phrase it in a positive light so you can move on to the next subject, but when you just basically say, “Yeah, I got no experience. Never kissed a girl. I’m a total amateur,” or whatever, most women don’t want to teach a guy how to be a man.

Then she leaned into me, we hugged and eventually cuddled. When her flatmates returned, I said I’d like to spend some time alone with her. She took me to her room, where we cuddled.

Well, if you’re in a room and then you don’t do anything again, if you hesitate, you will masturbate. The more you get together with her and just cuddle and act like a friend, the quicker you’re going to get friend-zoned.

She was hesitant to kiss initially, but after few minutes, she kissed me very passionately.

Well, that’s awesome.

She paused during the moment and voiced concern about getting emotionally attached, especially since she might have to return to her country in January.

You just say, “Well, you just have to come back and visit me from time to time, and I can come visit you from time to time.” Let’s not deprive each other of more kissy-poo.

She was still holding back and asked me not to escalate further because she told it was too much too soon.

Well, remember, a delay is not a denial, but maybe he was coming on too strong. Got a little too handsy, we don’t know, but she’s basically telling you to back off and pump the brakes. So that tells me in the seduction process, he’s probably coming on a little too strong, but it looks like he just completely gave up and said, “OK well, that’s the end of any physical affection for the night.”

I respected her boundaries completely and didn’t take it further. I was mindful not to hurt her. 

Well, women don’t want you to give up, but they do want you to slow down because obviously she’s asked you to slow down here, but you just took a delay as an outright denial and gave up.

When she asked we would get attached and it would hurt in the future, I said I am a kind of person who lives in a moment. I briefly mentioned my memories of my late mother.

So he starts talking about something and gets all emotional, has a fucking meltdown in front of her. Don’t fucking do this. Don’t treat a woman you’re trying to date and sleep with like your fucking mommy or your therapist, or start talking about something you know is going to make you cry. You can’t fucking do that. That’s the quickest way to dry a woman up, cause her to lose interest in you, blow you off and ghost you.

But I couldn’t hold it in — I broke down. My mother was a strong, kind woman who passed away after a long illness. She had been the emotional foundation of my life, and her loss still haunts me.

Don’t do that ever again in the future. Never talk about it if you can’t keep your composure on a date. Don’t talk about your mother. Change the subject. Just say, “When I get to know you better, we’ll talk about it, but it’s still too fresh and I don’t want to get emotional because I really miss her.” Then change the subject. “How about them Yankees?”

That was the first time in a long while I had opened up about it to someone.

This is the kind of thing that girls go, “Oh, talk about your feelings, how much you love her and miss her. Tell her how much you care.” Women don’t care about what a great guy you are, what a great mommy’s boy you are, or how awesome your mother was. They only care about how they feel about you.

She responded with empathy, and for a moment, I felt seen. But even after that, she became increasingly distant.

Because you dried her up. This is totally unattractive to women. You can’t do this because you’re basically treating her like a therapist, “Oh, can I cry in your arms?”

I remember when I was first putting out my book, 3% Man, the first edition, to hire a ghostwriter, and some man wrote me a long email about how he wanted to write the book and how he was desiring so much to be held in the arms of a woman he loved, so he could cry like a little baby, and I was thinking, “I definitely don’t want that dude writing my book,” because this guy was all up in his feelings, emotional and too girly. He was acting like a chick. I had a female ghostwriter the first time around, but because I wanted a woman’s perspective and I had several of my girlfriends help me with the final version of that, but to have a dude who is like a man-gina as a ghostwriter, it was like, “This guy has no clue about women.” I was like, “Nope.” I didn’t hire that guy, let’s put it that way.

This was the last time when I saw this girl.

It’s like yeah, when you have a meltdown like that, it’s like you fucking dried her up, and she’s like, “This guy’s got no experience, doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he’s treating me like his mommy and his therapist.” That’s one of the quick ways to get rejected, but in the culture they’re like, “Talk about your feelings to a woman, she’ll really love you for it.” It’s like, no she won’t. It’ll dry her up. You can be her friend, you can become her Harry Honda, but you ain’t gonna get anywhere near the pussy.

When I was leaving, I asked I wanted to see her next day.

So now he’s on a date and he’s asking her for a date the next day, which is extremely needy and clingy.

She said she would be busy, but when I insisted, she said she would call me.

But he didn’t wait for her to call him. He was impatient, needy and neurotic.

The next day, I texted her and she said she is not free. I asked about the next day, she said she would see me on Friday. During the conversation, I made a typing error. I accidentally wrote, “I’m going to force you” instead of, “I’m not going to force you.” I clarified it after few hours when I went through the chat, and she acknowledged that she understood.

So that tells me he’s got this long diatribe texting going instead of just using the phone to set dates. So again, classic rookie mistakes, but at this point, he’s stepping all over himself, stepping on his dick and talking her out of liking him.

But since then, she hasn’t initiated conversation, and I’ve chosen to stay silent to protect my self-respect. She cancelled a dinner we had already planned before this fiasco by saying she is ill.

She probably wasn’t. She just didn’t want to see you because you dried her up.

The last text I sent her was about letting me know when she wants to to hang out. To which she said she will. 

So that’s it. Dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net. I don’t think you’ll hear from her again, but maybe you will. Maybe after a few weeks or a month goes by, maybe she reaches back out, but you probably put a fork in this one, and it’s done, because with most women, when you do this, it’s like she’s already made up her mind. She cancelled a date. Doc Love had a rule: One chance per woman, per lifetime. When she dicked you around like that, you don’t give her any more attention.

During our intimate moment, I told her that I am not ready for marriage and am not thinking about the future for now.

Again, you should be not talking about such serious subjects, about marriage and settling down or her, because then she assumes you’re thinking about her as somebody potentially that you’ll marry.

I hardly know her and I cannot promise that I would marry her. She once mentioned that she’d have to convince her parents for marriage, and that she couldn’t stay here even with a visa. I also have financial responsibilities — Loans to pay, a family to support and I’m not ready for marriage…

Again dude, this is totally an inappropriate mindset, thinking and discussion at this point in the relationship.

…Despite how much I care for her. I didn’t want to make a false promise and mislead her. I showed her affection, care, and honesty, but I couldn’t give her what she might have been searching for: Certainty.

Well, what she was actually searching for was masculinity, and you didn’t really give her any. You dried her up, and she blew you off because she knew sex and romance probably was not going to be very good with you, and you didn’t know what you were doing. Your game was atrocious, but we all started out this way, dude, so don’t feel bad.

It has been more than a month since I saw and talked to her. Now, I’m stuck between overthinking and trying to move on. I feel like I did everything with sincerity, but still lost her.

Well, what happens is you acted like a beta male. You did pretty much, as I pointed out, every kind of unattractive thing that most guys do when they meet a girl that they like. It was a fucking train wreck. Again, as you read the book, you’ll be like, “Oh wow, I did all those things. No wonder it turned her off and dried her up.”

Was I just a rebound?

No. She obviously liked you, but you talked her out of liking you.

Was the intimacy real for her?

Well, I don’t know if you kissed her and made out, but that was it. It was one date, dude.

Or did my emotional availability scare her away? Did I over-pursue her and pedestalize her? 

Yep. You acted like a total beta male, and your emotional availability, I know women are telling you to be emotionally vulnerable with women, but when you have a meltdown about your mother in front of a girl like that on a date, as you said, that was like the last time you ever saw her. You can’t do that.

Coach, I have a very limited dating experience and have never been in a long-term relationship.

Well, I know we’ve been there. Again, I’m not breaking your balls too bad because I made all the same mistakes. Again, you read in the book or are reading in the book, you’ll see I did the same stupid shit. I didn’t know any better either then, but the good news is you got the book and you got these videos to help you fine tune your approach.

I’m hoping you can help me understand the dynamics at play. Did I do the right thing by stepping back?

Yep, because you hit the ball over the net and she’s supposed to get back to you when she wants to see you again, and she didn’t. I would have to say you’ll probably never hear from her again. She’ll go back to her country. I’d be surprised if she reaches out.

Could I have handled it better?

Absolutely.

Would she ever reach out again?

If I was a betting man, I’d say probably you won’t hear from her because again, she’s going to go back to her country and it looks like she already made up her mind. Again, that’s why she cancelled a date. She didn’t care.

If yes, what should I do?

Nothing. Look up 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video that I did and be prepared, but I don’t think you’ll be hearing from this one, because all you did was kiss her and you stepped all over your dick.

Most importantly, how do I stop lingering on the hope that she might return…

Well, you got to understand that rejection breeds obsession. She blew you off, you were hoping to progress things, and you just got to look at it as charging one to the game and recognize you got to do better. You got to spend the time with the book and treat women properly, because if you do this with every single girl, it will end the same way.

…And instead focus on healing and regaining my center?

Bob

Well, you never really had your center to begin with with this woman, because you had no idea what the fuck you were doing. It’s pretty much every almost everything you were doing and saying was an absolute turnoff to her. So you got to read the book and learn the basics, but it was a good email to share because you’re obviously a novice and a beginner, and as you said, honestly you don’t have a lot of experience and you’ve never been in a long-term relationship. So the book will help you clean up your game so you’ll appear more confident, more knowledgeable and more suave then you normally would appear because again, attraction is not a choice. What you did was you talked her out of liking you. So read the book and clean up your behavior so this doesn’t happen anymore.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.