How To Avoid Complacency To Keep The Romantic Spark Alive

How to avoid complacency in your relationship to keep the romantic spark alive.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for five years. He met her after finding my work. Things are good, but lately she is less interested in sex and sometimes complains he’s not serious enough about his career. He’s also blown her off at times to do things with his friends.

He wants to know what he can do to fix things. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who has been following my work for quite a few years. He’s been with his current girlfriend for five years now. He met her after finding my work. Things went great, but he said lately she seems to be less interested in sex and also complains that he’s not serious enough about his career and he’s also blowing her off at times to go do things with his friends, like gaming and playing video games. She tends to needle him a little bit, saying he’s not serious enough about his career and his future.

You got to remember, the biggest problem that I see with guys in long-term relationships, they all do the same thing. They stop dating and courting her properly and they don’t make her feel heard and understood typically. So this guy is doing those things to a degree. What happens is, the longer you’re together, the average guy typically gets to the point where he’s OK with sex every couple of weeks because when you’ve been with somebody for several years and you’ve been living with them, it’s very easy to get lulled to sleep like that, and they don’t think it’s very important. They neglect her, and then they only want to have sex about every two weeks when they need a release. After a while, she starts to realize that he only wants to have sex when he wants a release. Other than that, for the most part, he just kind of neglects her.

Women want to be in a love story. If you love your girlfriend or your wife, you always got a date and court her. You can’t be blowing her off to go play video games with your friends and expect her to take you seriously as a man, because your mission and your purpose is supposed to be first and foremost. If you’re falling down on those things, especially as you get older and you get into the time, I mean, they’ve been together five years. At some point, I would imagine she’s probably thinking about kids and a family, and if he’s blowing her off to go play video games with his friends and not dating and courting her like he used to, she’s not going to like that, and she’s not going to react too well with it.

Every once in a while, those things happen. I mean, that’s life, but when it becomes continuous and then you continually ignore her when she complains you don’t do anything or you don’t spend enough time together, the average guy, when they hear that, “Oh, she’s nagging. She’s being a pain in the ass. I gotta have time with my friends. I gotta do this. I gotta do that,” instead of just saying, “Hey, you know what? You’re right. We haven’t spent enough time together lately. I’m going to take you out Friday night. I want you to wear that red dress.” “Where are we going to go?” “It’s none of your business. I got a great place to take you.” Even if you don’t know where you’re going to take her, just tell her you’ll have it all handled. All she’s got to do is show up, look hot, and have fun.

So if a woman complains, you don’t spend enough time with her, make dates on the spot. Say, “You know what? You’re right. We should spend more time together. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t care. I’ll make it up to you,” and then make a date. Boom! On the spot! Don’t argue with her. Don’t say, “Hey, I just took you away two weeks ago for a long weekend,” or “I just took you to dinner last week.” Don’t do that. What she’s basically saying is, “I want to spend some more time with you.” So make it happen as quickly as possible. If she feels like you haven’t spent enough or you’ve been neglecting her, just acknowledge it and say, “You know what? You’re right. Probably haven’t been. I’ve got distracted with work,” or this or that. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t care, but I’ll make it up to you,” and then make it up to her. Then do it and follow through. That’s the important thing.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

First, thank you for everything you do. You helped me gain confidence and understand what I’d been doing wrong with women. I used to feel hopeless and constantly chased women out of my life, but your advice helped me turn things around.

My first serious relationship lasted two years. The sex was great, but everything else was a mess. She was moody, manipulative, and cried whenever things didn’t go her way. I spent all my time trying to please her and walking on eggshells. Eventually, I had enough and ended it, even though it was hard to let go.

Yeah, breakups are never fun, even when you’re the one doing the dumping, when you’re the dumper. It still sucks. It sucks even worse if you’re the dumpee and you didn’t see it coming, but most of us have been there because women usually do the dumping about 75% of the time.

After that, I decided to reconnect with a woman I’d known years ago who once said she wasn’t interested in dating. I figured there was no harm in trying again. We met for coffee, discovered shared interests in books and movies, and started hanging out regularly. Over six months, she got more comfortable by spending the night, walking around half-naked, asking for massages, but I didn’t pick up on her signals.

I assume that was before the book.

I lacked confidence and thought she just saw me as a friend. That’s when I found your book and videos.

OK, that makes sense, yes. If they don’t teach this stuff in school, it’s like you don’t know what to look for and most of your friends and parents don’t know this stuff. So you gotta learn it from somewhere.

They opened my eyes. I realized she was interested, but I also saw red flags I had ignored. She rarely laughed at my jokes, acted moody, and snapped easily.

What do I always say? Easygoing, easy to get along with and she’s nice to you. A girl that’s moody, like one day you go to bed and she’s an angel and the next day you wake up, she’s like the fucking devil, you can’t deal with that. You gotta have a woman who’s nice, easygoing, easy to get along with, she communicates like an adult, loves her dad, respects her dad. Women that don’t respect their fathers typically just don’t respect men in general.

Her beliefs and attitude didn’t align with mine. I decided I wanted a higher-quality woman who matched what I was looking for in a partner.

Not long after, I met a beautiful girl who checked all the boxes. She laughed at my dumb jokes, didn’t play games, and made things easy.

That’s what you’re looking for. Women who make it easy for you.

On our second date, we did the indoor Olympics, and later she told me she slept with me so soon because she felt comfortable and safe around me. She said I was her rock (All thanks to applying what I learned from you). We’ve been dating for five years and planning on starting a family now.

Lately, though, things have changed a bit. We still get along, but she’s less enthusiastic about sex and not as eager to go out and do things together.

So she’s less interested in sex. What does that mean? She’s turned off. Her legs are closing. They’re no longer open like 7-Eleven. So you got to open her back up.

When I ask about it, she says life in North America has worn her down and she’s lost some of her spark.

That’s why it’s your job to get her out of the house and go have some fun. Say, “You know what? If you watch the news, it can be pretty fucking depressing. So let’s go out and have some fun together.” Take her to Topgolf or go do something fun. Get out of the house. Be the escape from the difficult life. Especially the shit you see on TV, because it’s almost all propaganda anyways.

I’ve also noticed she gets frustrated when she feels I’m not serious about advancing in my career.

Well, if you’re thinking about starting a family, you’re fucking around and you’re not really trying to advance in your career and you’re just kind of in a trough, that’s not the kind of thing that makes a woman feel safe and comfortable trusting your masculine core, because she can see that you’re not really striving to reach your full potential. You said yourself that you guys are thinking about starting a family now. Well, how do you expect her to feel safe if you’re choosing to play video games with your buddies and blowing her off? If you blow her off for that, you’d probably blow her and the kids off. That’s not the kind of thing that makes a woman feel safe and comfortable trusting you to be the head of the household. So you got to clean that shit up.

I also recommend that you go back through the book. Good students read it like once every six months. So I’m sure there’s things in there that you got away from because it’s been five years, so at least twice a year you should go back through the book to keep your relationship passionate, because if she’s not that interested in sex and she’s not stuck to you like a sucker-fish, that means her interest has dropped. This is assuming she’s normal and healthy and doesn’t have mental health issues or other things going on, but everything’s normally healthy and she’s not as interested in sex. That means you haven’t been dating, courting and romancing her properly, and you haven’t been opening her up.

Sometimes, when I’m gaming with friends and she asks to spend time together, I brush her off.

Don’t fucking do that. You can’t blow your girl off because that just communicates you don’t give a shit, and you only want to see her when you want to bust a nut. That’s a quick way to make the legs close, because then she feels like you don’t really love her or care about her. You just want to bust a nut from time to time. Other than that, you’re going to go gaming and hanging out with your buddies.

Again, if you’re thinking about starting a family together, this kind of behavior is not the kind of thing that makes the legs open up and cause a woman to feel safe with you being the head of the household. It’s like you’re a grown child who blows off the relationship to go escape and play games with his friends. You can’t do that, dude. She says she wants to see you, you can say, “Hey, I’ll be gaming with my buddies till whatever time, and then I’ll come pick you up,” and then go do something with her and romance her.

It’s like, everybody does this and you think, “Oh, she’s always there. We live together. We’re talking about starting a family. She ain’t going to go anywhere,” but she’s basically telling you that you’re neglecting her and you’re neglecting the relationship, and you can’t fucking do that. The courtship never ends, and you’re basically treating her like a roommate that you’re bored of. If you become roommates, you’re going to end up with a dead bedroom.

I regret doing that and, even though I still make time for dates and movies, I’m worried I’m not giving her enough attention.

Well, she’s complaining that you’re not giving her enough attention. You probably need to give her more, especially if the legs are starting to close. If you’re trying to seduce her and you’re getting rejected, you got to get back in the book because something is out of sequence in the seduction process. Hang out, have fun when you’re hanging out and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, then you make your move. If you date and court her properly, then her legs are open like the 7-Eleven. You can just walk up to her in the kitchen, put your hands down her pants, start playing with the baloney curtains, and she’ll get moist really fast. You can take her pants off and bone her right in the kitchen. She’ll give you zero resistance, and she’ll love it.

She’ll love the spontaneity of it, but if you’re blowing her off to go play video games with your buddies and you’re not really ambitious, you’re not trying to advance in your career, and you go and try that, she’s going to probably go, “Oh, I got a headache,” or “I’m tired. You know, North America’s wearing me down and I lost a little bit of my spark.” She’s lost a little bit of the spark for you, because you’re not dating and courting her properly and you’re not making her feel heard and understood. Again, if she’s wanting to spend time together and you’re blowing off playing video games, “Damn it, I’m about to get the next level. Don’t interrupt me,” Don’t do that. It’s a bad way to go.

Is there anything I can do to improve the situation and bring back the passion and connection we had at the start?

Thanks!

Bob

Well, like I’ve been saying throughout the email, you gotta read the book. Got to get back into it, because there’s clearly other things that you’ve gotten away from doing, because I see this a lot with guys that got success. They got the girl, they got married, they got a family. Seven, eight, 10 years later it’s like, “Man, what happened?”

Go back through the book. Just go back through the book every six months. You should read it and take your time reading it. Don’t just throw the audio-book in, work out, mow your lawn and do other things that you’re doing. Really take the time to listen and concentrate and be honest with yourself. Are there things you got away from? I mean, the fundamentals are the fundamentals. When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs are always open like 7-Eleven. When she doesn’t, the legs are going to close. If you’re blowing her off to hang out with your buddies, you’re probably not dating accordingly. You already know you’re not because she’s not as interested in sex, and you basically want access to the box, but you’re no longer disciplined and keeping the romance going like you were going.

There’s a chapter right in the book, The Courtship Never Ends. So the courtship, I know you say you go out with her on dates, but if you’re blowing her off to play video games with your buddies, you can’t do that, dude. You just can’t fucking do that. If she says, “I want to see you” or “We’re not spending enough time together,” just say, “You know what? Let’s get together. I want to see your face,” and then make a date in the spot. Either get together later or the next day when she tells you she wants to see you. Don’t brush her off or blow her off and say, “I’m about to get the level 500. What are you talking about? I’m busy, damn it! Don’t interrupt greatness.” Don’t do it, dude.

Get back to the basics and the fundamentals. As soon as you do that, things will clean back up and the legs will open. If you got a question or a challenge, maybe you’re in a similar situation with your girl or you’re not really sure what to do, we can really drill down in detail what she’s doing and saying, what you’re doing and saying, and I can give you the exact feedback that you need to take corrective action.

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