How To Avoid The Needy Neurotic Boyfriend Texting Trap

How to avoid the needy neurotic boyfriend texting trap that turns women off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work since 2015 and read 3% Man over 15 times. He’s been with his girlfriend about six months. She started getting sick and he noticed she was backing away and showing less enthusiasm when he started texting and checking in with her too much. Once he backed off, he hasn’t heard from her in five days now.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that’s a mouthful…

This particular email is from a guy who’s been following my work since 2015. He says he’s read 3% Man over 15 times and he’s been with his girlfriend for about six months. They started dating in September of last year, which was 2024. They became exclusive in November. So in the last week, she started kind of getting sick, said she was getting a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI), which is pretty common. A lot of girls get those off and on. He notices like he’s trying to be a good boyfriend and check in on her and see how she’s doing, and you can tell she’s just kind of cold and not really engaged. Then as Friday comes around or the weekend comes around, he’s like, “Hey, let me know when your schedule frees up so we can get together,” and he hasn’t heard and she never replied to that. It’s like she just kind of stopped talking to him in the middle of it. Just left him hanging. It’s been five days and he hasn’t talked to her.

Obviously, if you’re a guy dating a girlfriend and you’re in a relationship with somebody, all of a sudden you don’t hear from her for five days and she’s kind of fading away, what it looks like has happened here is prior to this, she was already kind of losing interest, and if he’s been behaving this way constantly with her, it looks like at some point the power flipped in their relationship where it became very obvious to her that he cared way more about her than she did about him. Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them.

This is typically what happens. The woman backs away, the guy makes up by pursuing more the illusion of action, as I call it and he just kept pursuing until he just realize that she’s just really not even lifting a finger to see me, talk to me or remain engaged. Then his last response, she just didn’t even reply to it. Now it’s been five days. So this is what happens to a lot of guys. Then they start going, “Hey, what’s wrong? You’re distant,” but at the end of the day, if she was really into him, if her interest is super high, she’s not going to go five days without a peep out of her.

So let’s see what’s going on here.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Big fan of your work. Been following you since 2015 after a tough breakup. Your book has been life-changing, and I’ve read it over 15 times, always recommending it to friends and family. 

Well, if you’ve been following me for that long, you should be going back to it at least once or twice a year just to keep everything fresh, because I suspect it’s probably been a while since he’s been through the book. Especially as he’s been following me that long, what a lot of guys will do is they’ll read it a bunch in the beginning, they’ll get some success and be like, “Hey, I got this,” and they don’t go back to it. Meanwhile, they keep watching movies and TV shows and basically brainwash themselves into unattractive ways of interacting with their girls. Then it’s not until the things blow up that they go back to the book and read it again, and then they’re like, “Oh no!” And they realize they totally backslid. So I suspect they’ll probably be some of that on this guy’s part if he goes back through the book.

Even after reading your book I still sometimes have trouble knowing how to navigate some situations. 

My Situation:


I’ve been dating my girlfriend since September, exclusive since November.

So it looks like depending on when, it’s about two months, so that sounds like things were legit. I assume she brought it up, but he doesn’t say.

We spent a weekend together on a trip with some of my friends for my birthday in early January, and things seemed to be okay after. A week after we got back I had to leave for a work trip. Before I left on Sunday she felt like she was getting a UTI. 

Usually lots of good friction was happening and sometimes those things happen.

I checked in on her Monday to see how she was feeling. She said she wasn’t feeling great but was taking care of it and I said, “I hope you feel better.” She was appreciative.

Tuesday night, I sent her a sunset pic when I arrived at my work city. She hearted it on iMessage. 

So what you’re going to notice is when you look at this, he’s reaching out every day. So he’s doing 100% of the pursuing. Maybe it’s just this particular week because she’s not feeling well, or he could tell she’s kind of backing away, or maybe this is what’s been going on for the last month or two and after she spent a whole week with him and his friends and he continued to act needy and neurotic, by the time she got back, she was kind of cold and distant, and he could feel that. Therefore, he started to check in on her and rationalize to himself, “Oh, she’s sick. I got to check in on her every day,” but I suspect this is kind of what’s been going on for a while now, is that at some point he could tell she was losing interest. Instead of kind of matching and mirroring that, he started to pursue more and he’s using logic and reason to justify, in essence, going against things that are in the book.

Wednesday morning…

So once again, he reaches out. This is three days in a row. He’s initiating contact. So he’s doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing at this point.

…I asked how she was feeling (Meant to ask her on Tuesday night when I sent the sunset picture). She said she went to urgent care Tuesday night for a fever/flank pain and started antibiotics. She also asked about my project. I texted her back and said, “I’m sorry to hear that,” and asked if the antibiotics were helping and sent her a picture of the construction project I’m working on. She responded and said, “Hopefully the antibiotics will work soon. Looks nice, and to take it easy out there.” 

Thursday, she sent me some funny videos on Instagram. we exchanged some laughs at but we didn’t text. 

Remember the phone is for setting dates. So I suspect after he’s been with her for a while, he’s starting to get a little sloppy.

Friday, I checked in again.

I wouldn’t have checked in then. I would have let her be. By this point, she should be doing 90%, 95%, even 100% of the pursuing. It’s pretty clear that that’s not what’s going on here. So it looks like he’s just started talking and texting too much in the phone and getting sloppy with making dates and get togethers and just kind of leaving things up in the air and not really being direct and decisive. At the end of the day, he’s kind of out of town in this construction project, so I don’t know when he’s going to be coming back.

She basically said, “Hey… I’ve been better. Drive safe.” I asked what was wrong and suggested meeting up Saturday when I got back. She replied and said she had homework and couldn’t hang and didn’t mention to me what was wrong. 

Also notice that she didn’t mention a reschedule or anything. So I would say what’s wrong is she has a case of the declining romantic interest. That’s what’s really going on here for whatever reason. Like I said, it looks like we’re getting a window on what’s been going on prior to this week that he’s telling us about because it looks like, “Oh, this is just going south this week,” but when I see the fact that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, he reached out first, it’s pretty clear he’s doing most of the pursuing. So the power flipped at some point in the weeks or months prior to this.

So this is kind of the moment where he’s like, “Oh shit, something’s going on here.” She’s really cold and distant because he hasn’t seen her all week. This is his girlfriend, right? The love of her life. He wants to see her and she’s like, “Yeah, I got some homework to do.” Doesn’t say, “Oh, I’d love to see you. I can’t. I got homework on Saturday, but how about Sunday night?” She’s doing nothing to free herself up. She just says, yeah, she’s busy. She didn’t want to tell him what was wrong, but it’s pretty clear her interest is dropped.

What’s probably going on is the reason why she doesn’t want to say is that she’s kind of confused about her feelings, and how she doesn’t feel the same way about him that she used to. So that’s why she doesn’t really respond to it, because she knows if she mentions what she’s thinking and feeling, he’s going to go into Mr. Fix-It mode and bring up some conversations she’s probably not ready to have.

The reality is, we can just look at this and see that it’s pretty clear her interest has dropped. If he was doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing over the last couple of months and he completely backslid while her interest has been declining, now it’s just gotten to the point where she doesn’t even want to see him. He mentions getting together instead of her being, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you! I miss you! I haven’t seen you all week! I want to see your face! I miss you!” There’s none of that. It’s just like, y”Yah, I got some homework to do.” It’s not what a guy wants to hear.

I wished her good luck on her last week of class and told her to let me know when she’s free to hang again. It’s been five days, and she hasn’t responded and I’ve left it at that. 

That’s all you can do at this point, because if you keep barraging her, eventually she’s going to tell you she needs space, she’s confused or she’s been doing some thinking. She doesn’t feel the same way she used to. Maybe some things happen on the trip when he had all of his friends there. Maybe he got too drunk, said and did some things he doesn’t remember or shouldn’t have, but it’s pretty clear her interest is dropping.

So he’s been doing and saying things that are incredibly unattractive, and obviously we get a window into the fact that he starts out the email by over pursuing this girl the whole week. She reaches out once he reached. So Monday through Friday, he reached out four times. She reached out once. Remember, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you got to wait for her to hit it back, and it’s been five days. So that’s the kind of thing that makes a guy bite his nails, he’s on pins and needles, he’s going, “Oh shit, she’s really lost interest,” because if your girlfriend, the love of your life, can go five days without talking to you, you try to set a date, she says, “Yeah, I got some homework to do. I’d much rather do homework than hang out with my boyfriend,” that’s not a good sign. Then five days have gone by and not a peep from her.

This is where the understanding that women are like cats comes in. So I suspect that this has happened many times over the last coming last few months, and what’s happened is every time he’s caved and reach out when he doesn’t hear from her every few days, that’s the illusion of action, probably because he’s really into her and really cares and he just ignored the fact that her interest has been dropping and her efforts been dropping. So he makes up for that by the illusion of action and doing more, and all that does is drive her interest down even lower.

My Question:

I’m not sure if I shut her off as it seemed like there was a flip in her response on Friday when she said, “Hey… I’ve been better,” and didn’t tell me what was wrong.

The reason she didn’t tell you what was wrong is because she didn’t give a shit, because it really wasn’t that important to tell you, because you’re not that important to her at this point, and that should be a wake up call, because it shouldn’t have gotten to this.

If you’ve been following me for this long, I suspect probably what’s happened is it’s probably been a few years since you went through the book and you hadn’t been through it in the last year or so because you did everything right to land this girl, but after you got into a relationship, it’s just been slowly deteriorating, her interest has been dropping and you’ve probably just ignored it, made excuses, started acting needy, neurotic and over pursuing and worried about where you stand. If we look at her responses, they’re just kind of flat and just like blahh, she’s just not really into it.

So I’d say her interest is super low. So I wouldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t call, I wouldn’t reach out. It’s pretty unusual to go five whole days, but again, if you look at the totality of her interactions, she’s just not feeling it.

Should I have tried to pull more out of her again over text?

No, the phone is for setting dates. At the end of the day, if you look at her responses, her responses and her vibe is just like, “Yeah, piss off. I don’t really want to talk to you. You don’t excite me. I’m bored with you. My interest is low.” I know it’s harsh, I know it’s not what he wants to hear, but that’s just the brutal reality, at least of where she is at this point. Granted, she’s got a UTI and those are unpleasant, but at the end of the day, when your boyfriend wants to hang out, you don’t just say, “Yeah, I’d rather do homework,” and then go five days without even hearing from her.

If you think this is because she is shut down, how can I open her up when she doesn’t respond now? 

You don’t keep chasing after somebody who’s ignoring you. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. You have to pay attention when a woman becomes a cold fish like this. Especially with his behavior, he’s been calling, texting, pursuing too much and acting needy and neurotic, and it’s turned her off. So doing more of that behavior is just going to turn her off even more. She needs to be the one wondering, “Oh, I haven’t heard from my boyfriend in a week. I wonder what he’s doing. That’s unlike him.” If she reaches out, “Hey, I haven’t heard from you.” He would be like, “Well, you were supposed to get back to me. You were pretty busy with school and stuff, so there’s no reason to get mad or upset,” but if she says, “I haven’t heard from you all week,” it’s like, “Well, you seem pretty busy with school, but I’m glad you called. I’m glad you texted. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” Then just make the date. Don’t get into a tit for tat if she complains she hasn’t heard from you.

If she complains that she hasn’t heard from you, what it really means is she noticed that she hasn’t heard from you. She noticed that you backed off. She noticed that you stopped moving forward, and that’s what you want. So instead of going into, “Let’s rationalize why you did this,” just acknowledge and understand that if she’s bothered by the fact that you haven’t talked in five, six, seven days, however long it happens to be before she reaches out, then just assume she’s bummed that she hasn’t heard from you. In other words, she’s missing you. It’s not that you did anything wrong, but I mean, you hit the ball over the net and you’re like, “Hey, let me know when your schedule is available. I want to see you,” and then she just didn’t even bother responding to that, didn’t bother responding to tell him why she was upset, that shows her interest is low, her level of respect for him is low and she doesn’t really seem to give a shit too much.

So this is kind of the point where the guy has pursued, pursued, pursued, pursued, and all of a sudden you realize, “Wow, she’s not even lifting a finger when he backed off,” because that’s probably why he texted her Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, is because that’s what’s been going over the last several weeks and he rationalized, “Oh, she’s sick. Let me be a more caring and better boyfriend,” and concerned about her health and well-being, which under normal circumstances would be appreciated. At the end of the day, you’re still way over-pursuing, and that’s the opposite of what the book teaches.

Or is this a lowering attraction situation since we have been spending more time together lately and I should just back off and do the once per week method? 

Any help would be appreciated because I really do like this one. 

Thank you for all your wisdom.

Bob

Well in this case, you wouldn’t be doing the once per week method because again, she’s supposed to get back in touch when she frees up her schedule. You’ve got to make sure that you’re congruent with the things that you tell a woman. You can’t tell a woman, “Hey, get in touch when you figure out your schedule,” and then when you don’t hear from her for five days, you freak out and then reach out and try to set another date when the last weekend you tried to set a date, she just said, “Yeah, I’d rather do some homework.” That’s part of the problem. This guy is focused on his interest in her and he has completely ignored that her interest has been dropping in him, and it’s only now when she doesn’t want to see him that he’s like, “Oh shit, I really fucked up.” So that’s all you can do at this point, is nothing.

You got to wait to hear from her. You got to be congruent with what you said. So maybe a couple of weeks go by, she finally reaches out and she goes, “You didn’t call to check in on me. I would be like, “Well, you’re supposed to get back to me when you’re free, but you sound good. Let’s get together. I want to see you,” and then make a date. Like I said, what it really looks like is you started over-pursuing once you became exclusive, and you drove her interest into the ground because again, it’s five days. You haven’t heard a peep the last time you tried to make a date. She’s like, “Yeah. I’d rather do some homework than hang out with you.” That sucks. I feel for you, but the book is not going to help you if you do the opposite of it. This is what happens when you just kind of go back to sleep and you pay attention to your interests.

You got to focus on, also in the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers, the attraction table to see what she’s doing and saying, to be able to read her interest. So I suspect he wasn’t doing that either. He wasn’t really paying attention to her interest and the fact that it was dropping and he just kept rationalizing, calling and texting more, trying to make up for her lack of interest until it got to this point to where it was pretty obvious she didn’t care to see him or talk to him.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.