Here’s a recent email I got from a new coaching client. Things are going sideways with his girl. He was strong out of the gate, but now? Not so much. She has been pulling away lately and its driving him nuts! He wants to build the sexual tension back to where she is chasing and desiring to see him again. See if you can pick up what he’s doing wrong. My response is after his email:
Hi Corey, I will try and put this together as best as I can, and let me say that I do know some of the things that I have done wrong in this dating period with this girl. Okay this is a girl I met at my gym that we both play racquetball. We went out on our 1st date on 23rd of January just real simple just to the swap meet and then we played racquetball, then dinner and then back to my house to watch a movie, finally got hot and heavy into it and I stopped the action twice and told her that I wanted to wait because I thought of her more than just a piece of ass and she REALLY respected that and said thank you so that day we spent like 17 hours together.
So on our next date the following weekend we did a bunch of activities and basically she spent all day Saturday, all day Sunday and left my house Monday afternoon and yes we had a lot of sex that weekend and AMAZING sex at that, and I’ve been around the block I know when a girl is into me and connected..
Our third date was the next weekend and we went to the river for 4 days and had a great time that weekend too it’s now the 7th of February when we get back into town and all 3 dates I’m the one who asked her now on the 8th she says hey I’m going to be out of town most of next week why don’t we do something Friday so she came over Thursday night and we spent all day Friday doing activities and she then spent the night on Friday night too, but here is one thing that I’ll mention is that I noticed about 30 minutes before she would leave my house every time she would become a little guarded and cold nothing major but I could feel it..
Ok now she’s leaving to go to Vegas for her work convention on Sunday the 13th and by the way during the weeks we txt a lot like a couple hours every night.. So she goes to Vegas and we are texting thru out Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and she started saying like 2 weeks ago on some her txt messages that she misses me and things of that sort, so while she’s up in Vegas like on Monday we she starts her text’s out by saying like good morning luv or thanks luv or I miss you luv and now I’m calling her babe and everything is feeling good but now Wednesday late night rolls around and I can tell that the txt messages are getting a little cold and maybe something is wrong, so Thursday she comes home and doesn’t call me until late that night and we talk a little bit and I can tell she’s distant, so the next is Friday the 18th of February and there’s a group of us that play racquetball most everyday so we play that Friday and then go out after for one of my friends birthday’s and the whole time she’s kind of of ignoring me and not really talking to me and she’s sitting right next to me, so I know the next thing I did was wrong but I couldn’t help it I got up and left and just told my friends that I had to get going that it was late but I know that I kinda stormed out like a little baby but I couldn’t take it I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin cause just 2 days earlier she writing me ‘good morning, Luv’ and that she misses me and can’t wait to see me, so I was very confused.
So Saturday I didn’t see her but texted with her a couple times and then Sunday we had another group that we played out doors racquetball so when she showed up everything is ok but I can still tell that she’s a little distant oh just a little background when we started dating we kind of agreed to keep it quiet because things get said around the health club..
Anyways so after we played we went to a buddy’s house for a BBQ and there she gave me the cold shoulder and almost acted like I wasn’t there, so she left the party early and then her and I finally talked about what was going on and she said that she just was feeling kind of trapped and that she needed some space and that we have been seeing a lot of each other not just on small dates but long weekend dates and she says that you remember Tom that I said that I just got out a 4 year relationship back in September with a douche bag and I’m not looking to get back into one and what we are doing is feeling close to getting back into a relationship, so she says I just need some space and I say ok and then ask is it something that I’ve done and she says not at all, then I say are you still interested in me and she says yes I am and I ask do you still want to see me and she says yes, so I say ok I can handle that I’ll give you some breathing room and some space. I also asked did anything happen in Vegas that made this all change and she says no I haven’t been with anyone even thou you and I don’t have a commitment I would not do that to you right now I’m seeing just you and I said thanks but wasn’t even questioning that, my issue is that even thou she says were cool I can still feel her pulling away, and the problem is that we go to the same gym and have the same friends and so it’s kinda hard to give her a lot of space if her and I are there all the time.
I’m at a loss of what to do I’m really into this girl and don’t want to lose her. I just need some advice and direction on how to go forward and eventually get her back were she’s connected to me again.. Thanks for reading my long winded story and I REALLY appreciate your direction, please respond back as soon as you can because at this point I feel that everything that I’m doing is wrong and just pushing her away. Thanks again, Tom.
Tom, Your problem is you are seeking her approval. Wanting to know where you stand with her in every moment is weak and another form of seeking her approval. Women live and relate to others thru their emotions. Those emotions are all over the place. Sometimes a woman won’t leave you alone. Others, she will be bored with you. Just like a cat. They come and go at all hours of the day and night. They are totally random. Let them dance into and out of your life as they please. They just want to be loved, accepted as they are (flaws, faults, weird idiosyncrasies, bitchiness and all) and celebrated. Girls just wanna have fun. Get out of her way and let her come over and give you a lap dance when she wants. Stop trying to force things and steal all her fun.
Who fucking cares if she talks to other guys or is cold and distant in public? You should always BE YOU despite what a woman does or says. NOTHING CAN DIMINISH YOU, EVER!!! Even if she chooses another guy, fuck her. Its her loss. See yourself as the prize. Women will do ALL of the chasing and pursuing if you give them enough space to do it. You are the one fucking her. Not these other guys. It makes you look weak to storm out like that. Your actions communicate that you don’t feel you are worthy to have her. She is responding accordingly.
Get busy hanging with your friends. When a woman sense’s you need to be around her, she feels you are making her responsible for your happiness. You will eventually suffocate and smother her with your need for attention and approval. This causes her to feel like she will lose her freedom. That makes her want to run away from you. She probably felt like she lost herself in her last relationship. She’s still getting used to having her freedom back. All day long she is smothered by needy guys hitting on her.
She started dating you and likes you because you were not like them. After a few weeks of dating and sexual bliss with her, you started acting like all the other needy guys seeking her attention who hit on her every day. Keep it up and you will lose her.
Back off enough and she will come back once she feels its safe and free again. Like I said before… let her dance into and out of your life as she pleases. Women are going to what they want, when they want and with who they want. You MUST learn to accept that. That is a truth. Violate that truth and you will feel pain.
Be a charming James Bond, always. Be the kid who flushes the M-80 down the toilet 10% of the time. You can’t fuck a woman with a limp dick. You can’t talk and tease a woman into your bed unless you have an unattached and fearless charming presence. None of her barriers deter you. When she comes around you in the gym and no one is near, say as you go about your workout routine… “I think you should bring a nice bottle of wine over to my place and seduce me tonight.” Her: “Why should I do that?” You: “because you miss me terribly.” Her: “whatever” You: “I don’t know why you continue to torture yourself by staying away.” Her: “you’re imagining things.” You: “Well all I know is the last time your screaming… Ohhhhhh Goooooodddddd!!!!!! woke the neighbors up. If you keep holding out like this, next time we have sex it will be soooo good and you will be sooo loud we will both go to jail. Now that would be a cool story!” Her: “whatever.” You: “call me later, I’d love to see you. I miss your amazingness!!” and walk to another machine and continue your workout.
State what you want and then move on with your workout. Let her come to you when she’s ready. You open the door and let her walk thru it when she’s ready.
Don’t call, text or pursue her. She will get in touch when she wants to see you. Then make the plans and get off the phone. The phone is for setting appointments, not giving out information. You are texting and talking to her too much. Women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
From my heart to yours,
Here’s an updated email exchange between Tom and I. He sent me this email the day after our 1st coaching session:
Hi Corey, I wasn’t planning on e-mailing you, but just having another hard time, went to the gym yesterday and saw her, smiled real big and said hello and tried to tease with her when she was close enough but it wasn’t much and still felt like when we were in the same area that she would walk away like she doesn’t like being close to me or so that she doesn’t have to engage in a conversation, again these are my observations. Then she left earlier than she normally does and barely said goodbye and then didn’t call or e-mail me last night and I have to admit I’m again crawling out of my skin right now, it’s so hard for me not to text her this morning and just say hello or wish her a good day and to try and get a little conversation going, and be able to tease with her thru text since I really didn’t get to last night. I’m so sorry Corey, I really don’t mean to bug but this all feels so wrong in my gut and I think that is why I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, it’s tearing me up inside and I’m trying not to let it but it is. Thanks for your advice in I do appreciate it.
Hey also I was wondering if we could change our talk from Friday 4th to Thursday 3rd if you can.. I can keep the 4th but really would like to talk to you on Thursday if you have available time. Thanks, Tom.
Hey Tom, I can do Thursday at 1 pm Pacific 4 pm Eastern.
You gotta out-wait and out-wit women. She told you she’s not ready for a relationship. She’s not ready to show you affection in public. You gotta give her time to miss you. She’ll be all over you in public when she’s ready and only after you have made her feel comfortable enough to do so without coming unglued.
She will feel that you have stopped moving forward. Then the power will shift back to you as she comes back. She must feel your strength. That will draw her to you. Your strength is your ability to exist without her. To remain centered and masculine, chasing your dreams and purpose despite what she does. She wants a man who is fearless and a leader. Fearless he will ever lose her, and if he does… better will come. It always does. Noting in life is permanent. Everything eventually turns to dust. The only constant is change. She should be doing 70%-80% of the pursuing, calling and texting. A wise man once taught me… “If she’s chasing you she can’t be getting rid of you.”
Wait to hear from her. When she calls, keep it brief. Talk for a few minutes, then ask her out and make a definite date with definite plans and time to pick her up 4 or 5 days from now. If she brings up she does not want another 17 hour date this time say… “I can’t help it if you have soooo much fun with me that you don’t want our epicly fun dates to end and won’t let me leave 🙂 Lets live in the moment and enjoy the magic.”
From my heart to yours,
Thanks Corey, yea let’s do Thursday for sure.. I am just freaking out cause it’s like I HAVE to know what is wrong and what mistakes in her mind did I make.. I’m just really hurting today it’s like I need to talk with her because in my gut me giving her this space is just letting her get used to me not being around and easier for her to meet other people.. Sorry Corey I’m a mess and I’ve been crying all day it’s driving me nuts not to talk to her or hear from her and not know what’s going on. Tom.
I sent this to Tom after our 2nd coaching call:
Practice INFINITE PATIENCE my friend. It will all work out just fine. If I can overcome it, you can too.
Every man has a struggle. This is yours.
“For a man to conquer himself is the first & noblest of all victories.” -Plato
“Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself makes you fearless.” – Lao Tzu
I believe in you. You can do it! Make it happen!
Read this and watch the short videos on the page next time you feel weak or like you want to jump out of your skin… “When Your Times Up, Your Times Up”.
From my heart to yours,
“He who is not satisfied with himself will grow. He who is not sure of his own correctness, will learn many things.”-Chinese Proverbs.
Thanks Corey you’re very helpful.. and guess who called me bout 20min ago.. I actually missed the call which is good but she didn’t leave a message.. should I call her back or wait till I see her at the gym.. thanks again for your sincerity, Tom.
Tom, wait until u see her at the gym, then say, “Hey, I saw you called earlier, what’d I miss?” with a James Bond charming smirk 🙂 Corey.
Hahaha well I did call her back I hadn’t heard from you yet, but it was about 45 min after she called me, she apologized for not calling me back and said that she had been real busy (yea right haha) I said oh no worries I figured you were busy and you’d call when you had a chance she started to tell me a couple of things and I just kept it light and then I ended the conversation after about 5 minutes and then when I saw her at the gym I was real good and just kept my center and felt my strength and she joked with me and everyone else and it felt very relaxed and it was a very nice time at the gym..Now she didn’t call last night or text me, but I’m keeping in mind what you told me and that is to just be okay if she call or text’s or if she doesn’t.. I will have to admit that I’m getting that itch to send a little text wishing her a good day (stop it needy little boy! Let her do that. Stop acting like a woman. Act like a man. Those things are fine when you are in a long term relationship, but not when you just started dating someone… and… especially so since your neediness has driven her away) but I’m not because I know that I need to stay centered. I did have a question how can I get the sexual tension back with her and not just be the guy at the gym and make her want to say hey let’s have sex, (you know what I mean).. Thanks Corey I feel so much better yesterday and today.
Tom, you ask how to get the sexual tension back? Allow some tension to build up by hanging back and being patient. If you keep releasing the tension early none will build up. Its like a guy who blows his wad when a woman touches him. Its premature ejaculation physically and emotionally. Women like strong men. Men who have self control. Who can control their own emotions and who do not try to control or manipulate a woman. Your desire to text her is not out of a sincere desire to say something nice because that’s who you are. It’s out of your feelings of neediness and inappropriate desire to force some kind of interaction with her so you can see if she still likes you. It will turn her off. STOP IT!!!! YOU GOTTA CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. When she tells you to come at the same time as her during sex… don’t. Let her come and then keep going. She wants to feel your strength. She can’t feel your strength if you are always a limp dick.
Next time she contacts you, ask for a date next week, make definite plans and then get off the phone. Say “great, I’ll see you then!” Easy as pie. You can do it!
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” ~ Plato