One of the most difficult things to deal with is a break up. Especially when you are the one that gets dumped. It’s a lot easier to be the dumper than the dumpee. A lot of people ask me why does it hurt so much and why is it so hard to move on? Well there are a lot of reasons.
You should ask yourself some hard questions first. Did I put my best foot forward? If the person you were with really had a high level of interest in you to start with and you lowered it and got dumped, why did you get dumped? Did you not know what to do? Or did you know what to do and just ignore the right things to do? Women always tell their men when they are not happy and what they want. Most guys however, don’t listen. I am sure all of you have heard how women say men don’t listen.
A woman constantly tells her husband he is never home, they never spend any time together, etc. His response is usually tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, when things slow down at work, etc. He usually tries to name all of the things he does for her, however he never addresses the main issue. The romance is no longer there in her eyes. He just does not make the effort.
This goes on for years until one day she leaves and says you never listened! But guess what he somehow finds the time for? His divorce lawyer.
Or maybe a guy meets this amazing woman he totally falls for. She really seems into him and things are great for a couple of weeks. Then she stops calling and always seems to be busy when he asks her out. She may even stop returning his phone calls. Then it happens. One of his friends sees her out with another guy that she is all over. Ouch!
I remember what it feels like to get dumped that way. It’s like a baseball bat at full swing right into your stomach. I remember feeling like my life was over. What had I done to deserve this? Why me? That type of heartache is a thing of the past for me. The only time my relationships end is when I want them to end.
I always do it with love and my former girlfriends are some of my best friends in the whole world even to this day. It’s my mission to make sure nothing like this ever happens to you. So why does this hurt so much and why does it take so long to heal? A big reason is our identity. When we are in a relationship we make a conscious choice of what that person means to us. We decide that who I am is tied to this other person. It’s our ego. It’s a false belief. Our ego tells us that I am what I do, I am what I have, I am my reputation, I am my relationship, etc.
The suffering comes from the imaginary loss of part of who we are. We suffer because we do not want to accept the present or the way things are. We endlessly replay the events of the break-up in our mind. If only I did this. If only I did that. If I had it to do over again, etc. In other words, she dumped me… now I am no longer whole because I lost a part of me. Acceptance of what is, is the beginning of healing. “There is no imperfection; you’ve only ever done what you were meant to do.” – Panache Desai
You must take time for you after a break up. Time to mourn and heal. At first it feels like you can never go on when the person you loved is no longer in your life. You have to feel it to heal it. Get into all the dark and unpleasant emotions and experience the depth of them. Most people try to run from their unpleasant feelings and emotions. They drink, do drugs, eat excessively, watch tv, etc. to check out and run from it. But what you resist, persists. Until you are fully 100% present with your emotions, you will be unable to move forward and start to feel better. Taking time to grieve, cry, scream, etc. is essential to healing and moving on. When you can be fully present and be ok with feeling what ever crappy emotion that comes up for as long as you need to feel it, it will dissolve pretty quickly. At first you might hurt for hours on end. But each time the nasty emotions come up and you are present with them, they will dissolve quicker and quicker.
We human beings have a wide range of emotions. If we all had our choice, we all would probably only want to experience only the “good” ones. However, pain and suffering are part of life. When you deny yourself the time to experience and feel your dark emotions, you only prolong your suffering. You also deny part of your personality when you refuse to or put off dealing with unpleasant feelings or emotions. Its like judging part of yourself to be bad and unacceptable or no good. However, they are still a part of you. Also, when a feeling comes up and it is not experienced or felt, it gets stored in your nervous system as muscle tension. Over the years this tension destroys the balance of your frame and skeletal structure. Dis-ease, being hunched over and not able to move very much are the results. Look at most old people. They are hunched over and walk and move in very limited and uncomfortable ways.
As the days go by and we honor our negative emotions and feelings… the impact and suffering gradually becomes less and less. Peace and contentment slowly return as we give ourselves the gift of experiencing our dark emotions. “Nothing is ever wrong. We learn from every step we take. Whatever you did today was the way it was meant to be. Be proud of you.”
Think back to who you were before you met. You had your life and your friends, things were good. Now you feel like it’s all over for you. The bottom line is if you knew how to treat your significant other and made things so good for them by loving them from a place of love instead of need they would never leave.
You must understand what women really want and need at all times if you really want relationship bliss to be your daily standard. Over the years I have known so many guys that have girlfriends that they don’t really care about and don’t treat very well but don’t have the guts to leave and find what they really want because they don’t know how to.
However, the women usually tire of being treated this way and then dump them unexpectedly. Then these guys go from not caring to deciding that they just lost the love of their lives. Strange isn’t it? It’s really just our fears saying I am not good enough to find someone better or someone new. Our ego convinces us that this is really true. It’s false.
When you get to a place where you can really love unconditionally with no attachments and a place where you always know how your lady feels about you, these things become a thing of the past.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When your mind says give up, hope whispers one more try.”