How to deal with your girlfriend’s quick changing moods, so you can tell when to give advice, when to listen and when to let her be.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discus an email from a viewer who is having a hard time deciphering his girlfriend’s quick changing moods. He feels that sometimes he is losing his power and is too focused on her moods, which inhibits him from being natural.
He knows that sometimes she wants his advice and other times she just wants him to listen. He is also unsure of when he should just leave her alone and be more stoic and let her come to him when she is upset or something is bothering her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
We all occasionally just get grumpy, we’re in a bad mood or whatever, and it has nothing to do with the other person. So, it sounds like he’s taking everything personally based on what her moods are. He brings up some good points, so I thought I’d go through his email, especially for you guys that are in long-term relationships.
You’re going to have women that are very emotional, very bitchy, very feminine and very difficult to get along with, and the rest are kind of more even keeled. And they may be moody and have ups and downs, but when they’re upset you can talk to them and get them to open up and they’ll tell you what’s bothering them. Me personally, that’s the kind of women I like. Remember, no drama allowed.
All my closest friends, all the girlfriends that I’ve written about in How To Be A 3% Man, the best ones I’ve had over the years, and the people I spend most of my time with are pretty even keeled. I don’t like drama. I don’t want to put up with drama. I don’t like bitchy, grumpy people that are moody. I just don’t want to deal with that shit, especially at 51-years old. The older you get, the more you don’t want to put up with that crap. But I know lots of guys that follow me are in relationships with women that tend to be a little bit more on the bitchy scale, they like to bring a little bit more drama, and they like to mix things up a little bit.
I’ve got a friend of mine. He’s pretty relaxed and even keeled, but his girlfriend can just be, in his words, a miserable bitch at times. She always apologizes after the fact, but I know it grates on his nerves sometimes because he likes to have a drama free life like I do, but his girlfriend is just going to bring some drama occasionally. But they’re able to work through things. She doesn’t play games with him and jerk him around and tell him nothing’s wrong when she’s really upset with him. She’ll come out with it, or if she’s in a really bad mood, he’ll just leave her alone because he doesn’t care.
He’s going to do it his way. If she’s going to be upset and she’s determined to be in a bad mood, he’s not going to put himself into a bad mood because she’s in a bad mood. He’s just going to go off and do something else. And eventually when she comes down, she’ll come and apologize for being such a bitch to him, which is ideally what you want. Me personally, I wouldn’t date her. I wouldn’t put up with that. But that’s me. And that’s the good news, different strokes for different folks. You get to date the kind of women you want to be around, the women that are nice to you.
One of the first things I always say when I when I meet a girl for the first time is, I always say, I want a girl who’s nice to me. And I just don’t put up with drama. I don’t put up with bitchiness, I don’t put up with girls that don’t communicate. And it limits your options, because very few women grew up in a good family where they kind of learn to exercise emotional self-control when it came to their emotions and talk through and work things out. And it’s the same thing with all my guy friends.
All of my guy friends are like that. My best and my closest guy friends, I don’t think that I can think of, in all the decades we’ve known each other, that we’ve never really gotten upset and yelled at each other or really had a disagreement. We always just talk through things. There’s just never any drama. That’s why they’ve they’ve stood the test of time, because life is difficult enough without people that are constantly getting upset and bringing drama into your life or they’re difficult to get along with. I personally don’t want to put up with it, but I know plenty of other guys that like that. They like to mix it up a little bit, they like a little drama. But I’m not like that.
So I’ve got a quote that I wrote, and then we’ll go through the email, and the quote says,
“Women come in all kinds of different emotional intensities. Some women are very feminine and girly, but very bitchy, grumpy and moody. Others are more laid back, don’t take things personally, look for reasons to laugh and assume the best and will generally tell you what’s bothering them if you ask. Then there are other women who are overly emotional, jealous, insecure and simply too toxic to be around for an extended period of time. They are difficult, passive aggressive and play games instead of being straight with you so you can easily work out your differences.”
The reality is women can make it easy to talk through things and work things out, or they can be extremely difficult. The beauty is, it’s your choice. You get to choose what you want to put up with or not. I choose to pass on that stuff.
“This is why it’s essential to set and enforce healthy boundaries. The reality is that women who are easier to get along with and who have a great attitude are going to be much easier to be around and live with in a long-term relationship than difficult, grumpy, bad communicators.”
And I’ve dated women that are bad communicators, and they’re grumpy, and they’re moody. And when they’re in a crummy mood and you’re like, “Babe, what’s wrong?” “Oh, nothing. I want to talk about it.” And they really don’t. They become nasty the more you dig. One girlfriend in particular, it just seem like 90% of the time she was just in a crappy mood. And it’s like, I’m not going to deal with that for extended periods of time. That’s why I didn’t stay with her that long. But I got to experience what it’s like, and I know that I didn’t like that flavor, if you will. It’s not for me.
“Choose wisely, because 95% of your happiness or misery will come from the people you choose to spend your time with.”
My girl went from laughing crazily and having such a great time with me yesterday to a concerned face with a kind of cold attitude.
Well, the other thing you’ve got to remember, and I talk about this in “How To Be A 3% Man,” is women’s emotions are all over the place, just like Mother Nature. You can have a beautiful day, especially living in Florida, where the sky could be totally clear, and 15 minutes later the clouds roll in, it storms, thunder, lightning, 20 minutes later, the sky is completely clear again. That’s just the way it is. And it’s a good metaphor for how emotional energy flows through the average woman. So, you’ve got to think of women and their emotional storms.
I actually wrote about this in my book, a chapter of it. It’s kind of like Mother Nature, don’t take it personally. Just remember, we all project what’s inside of us. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. And no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. So if you’re not setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, you’re basically telling her it’s okay to be a jerk to you, to bring drama, to be nasty. And if you put up with it, you invite more of it.
And that’s why it’s so important, especially in the beginning, that you set and enforce healthy boundaries. And when you come across these women that are just overly emotional and difficult to get along with, it’s usually not until after three or four months of dating that you really start to see, “Wow, they’re like this a lot, and I don’t like it.”
I questioned her about that, and we got in the discussion of something that happened two days ago. She said was feeling bad that she wasn’t in the mood for sex, (we came together two times in this very same day, we had the best ever, we went wild and then the turnoff happened in the night).
The other thing is, some women, when things are going real well, they’ll just screw shit up or they’ll cause some drama just to see how you handle it. That’s life, man, don’t complain to me. I didn’t make them that way, they are just like that. Some of them, not all of them.
I questioned her and she said that she was afraid that I was disappointed in her, asked me how did I feel about what happened, and that “hurting me is a nightmare to her.”
Well, obviously, she cares about you, so that’s a good sign.
I just told her to come to me. She was a bit reluctant, but she eventually came. I put my forehead against her, held her hand, and told her things to make her feel loved and cared for.
So, its potentially possible that maybe she didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, she didn’t get enough “I love yous” from her parents, and so she tends to hold back because she never really got to express those things. And so, she’s holding back because she’s afraid that maybe you can’t handle it or don’t want to handle it, probably like whoever the father figure was in her family.
It’s so important how kids grow up. That’s why you’ve got to have, ideally in a perfect world, a strong masculine presence and a strong feminine presence. It helps the kids balance out.
Eventually, she started kissing me while I was doing it, and then we got playful again. This is the first time I tried that, instead of over-listening and over-asking with a therapist face…
Yeah, I definitely have seen over the years, sometimes guys take what I talk about in my book, like every time a woman just doesn’t seem to be very open, very forthcoming, it’s like, “What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” He keeps digging, thinking that there’s got to be a problem, when maybe she’s just in a bad mood or she’s thinking about something. So, you don’t want to get to the point where it’s overly robotic, because then then she’s going to feel like you’re being a robot. You’re not really authentic, you’re just using a technique or a strategy.
And so, this is the kind of thing that’s an art. It’s something that you have to get in the middle of and experience it to get good at it. And that’s why it’s so important to do a good job up front of prequalifying the women that you date and later get in relationships with. Because if you get into a relationship with somebody who’s very difficult and not a good communicator, down the road it can be very hard to get along with them. And they’ll make it hard for you on purpose just because that’s what they learned in their family growing up.
…sometimes even trying to fix her problems.
So, the good thing to always remember about that is, if you’re trying to give advice and she hasn’t said specifically she needs your advice, always ask, “Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?” If she’s venting about something, wants to tell you about something that happened at work, or happened with her sisters, or her family, or one of her girlfriends, or whatever it happens to be, ask her if you’re not sure, instead of offering unsolicited advice.
Because if you offer unsolicited advice and she just wants you to listen and help her talk through her problems, she’s going to say, “You’re not listening to me.” You’re like, “What are you talking about, I’m right here. Of course I’m listening.” But if you’re trying to give her advice when she just wants you to go, “Really, what else? Tell me more. No way. What else? What happened next? Oh my God,” she just wants you to talk, or to facilitate her talking.
So that’s why you’ll get the “You’re not listening to me.” And you’re like, “What are you talking about? I’m right here. Of course I’m listening to you.” It’s like, “No, you’re trying to solve the problem instead of listening.” So, in her mind, if you’re not getting her to just talk for the sake of talking, because remember, women, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” they solve their problems by talking about them. And you facilitate that.
If you’ve ever watched a group of women together talk, they’re sharing, they’re talking, they’re acknowledging one another and just hearing each other out. They’re not trying to fix anything. And so, it’s also helpful to become a good observer of watching other women interact and talk and communicate. And you’ll see ten different conversation threads going on between four or five of them, and it won’t make any sense because they’re all over the place.
I was amazed of how well it worked.
So remember, love is playful and fun. Because as a man, you’re always going to set the tone. And I do this a lot in phone sessions I have with guys that are kind of struggling with this. You know, because they take it personally. If she’s in a bad mood, as us guys, were driven to be successful. So if a girl’s in a bad mood, oh, it must be something we did. And then we identify it. We want to fix it. We want to get back to where things are. But don’t take everything personally. Oftentimes it has nothing to do with you.
And that’s why it’s helpful to be playful and a tease and mess with her, “Oh, you’re in a good mood today. I love it when you talk to me like that. I love it when you talk dirty like that. I think you should fuck me like you hate me.” Be playful, take the stick out of your butt. Smile, joke around, go with the flow a little bit, diffuse with humor. It’s like, “Okay, what’s wrong, honey? Obviously, you’re bothered about something. Tell me, what’s going on? What are you thinking? What are you feeling?” Obviously, if the humor ain’t working.
You’ve got to remember, some people are just determined to be in a crappy mood. And it’s not your fault, that’s just the way they were raised and that’s the way they are. The key is, are you able to interact with them in a way to work through your differences, or do they make it unnecessarily difficult? The more dysfunctional their upbringing was, especially if the dad was missing or they didn’t have a good relationship with the dad, it’s very difficult to get along with those women. Because there was no masculine presence to calm them down and help them work through things and talk through things. That’s important.
It’s the same thing with boys. Boys that are raised in single mom households with no dad around, nobody taught them how to keep their emotions in check and not lose their shit and get in fights and cause problems. Men can calm kids down in a way that women can’t. That’s just reality. That’s what masculinity brings to the table.
I love listening to her and I love it that she trusts me deeply to the point of sharing all these things with me, but I also feel like I “run after that,” trying to know every little thing. If we’re doing something and then I feel her getting distant all of sudden, I’m already like, “Hey, what’s going on? Come here, sit on my lap and let me know everything that’s in your heart” and proceed to listen to her. Should I get stoic and let her reach out the problem to me, keep on digging to find about her reactions or find a balance between these two? How to find the balance?
I feel that I’m losing power and becoming uncentered when it happens, and that sometimes I should just “pretend that there isn’t a problem,” because I feel that this is a way of her testing me. I don’t think I’m being much of a challenge for her right now. Should I back off?
That’s why it’s important before you go into, as you put it, therapist mode. Think about it, if you’re the man, if you’re the king of your kingdom, you’re going to set the tone of playfulness, and humor, and being silly. But if she’s upset and she’s like, “Why are you always joking around? You’re not taking this seriously,” you’re like, “Wow. Okay, so you’re upset about something. Why don’t you tell me what you’re upset about, and then I’ll understand it. By the way, you’re kind of cute when you’re angry.”
In other words, I’m going to throw a little humor in, and I’m not going to be deterred from being in a good mood. Like my buddy that I was telling you about earlier that has a girlfriend who’s very moody and very bitchy, and she can get real nasty. And he’ll laugh at her sometimes when she’s that way. And if she’s determined to be in a grumpy mood, it’s like he’s decided ahead of time he’s going to be happy. And so, he just goes off and does other things, and a few hours later she’ll come to him and apologize and say, “I’m sorry for being such a bitch earlier. I was just in a bad mood.” And then she’ll tell him what was really bothering her.
So, in other words, he’s there to find out what’s going on if she wants to talk about it, but as soon as she’s abusive or in a bad mood, he’s like, “Oh, she’s in one of her moods. That’s okay, because I’ve got other things I’d love to do.” And he’ll go and do those other things, and he won’t be bothered at all by the fact that she’s upset. And then she comes to him a few hours later and is like, “You didn’t even care.” And he’s like, “Babe, I asked and you were determined to be in a bad mood and I’m having a great day. I’m going to continue to have a great day. And if you want to be a sourpuss, I’m to let you be a sourpuss in the kitchen while I go play in the garage, with my tools.” And I love having friends like that, because I learn from him as well because I see how that vibe and that energy is.
And I’ve got another friend he’s been with is his wife many decades now, and they’ve got a beautiful family together. And she gets kind of bitchy and moody and, you know, he always wants to have a good time. He’s like me, no drama allowed. So, his attitude is always he’ll try to get her to talk, and if she’s just in a bad mood he’ll laugh it off and go off and do something else. And later on, same thing, she’ll come to him and apologize, and then she’ll tell him what’s really going on. But he’s just not going to sit there if she’s determined to be in a bad mood, sit there and put up with that. He’ll go have a drink with friends or whatever or do something fun.
Because again, if you’re driving the fun bus, you’ve decided ahead of time that you’re going to be happy and you’re looking for reasons and occasions to be happy and to laugh, instead of going through life looking for occasions to be offended. Because a lot of people are like that. They look for reasons to get offended, and then they want everybody else around them to get offended. That’s how they fulfill their need for love and connection, obviously in a very dysfunctional way. It’s like they want to bring everybody down to their level. If they can get everybody else upset like them, then that validates their attitude and their mood and the way they’re showing up.
That’s why it’s important to know who you are, what you want, and why you want it. And if your life is a drama free zone, and there’s something bothering your girl, ask her. And if she’s still nasty, tease her, make fun of her. If that still doesn’t work, then be a little more stoic, go off and do your own thing. Say, “Obviously, she’s in a shitty mood. She can apologize to me later.” And that should be the attitude that you want to have towards it. It’s the superior way. Always to go with the flow, diffuse with humor, and then if she’s still upset, try to dig a little deeper and see if she’s willing to talk about it.
If you encounter a lot of resistance, then go do something else and let her calm down. And then maybe a few hours later or maybe a day or so later, if you’re not actually living together 24/7, then she can call you and tell you what’s going on and recognize that. Because what will happens is she’ll realize that her bitchy mood pushed you away and you haven’t talked in a day or two. Then she’ll recognize, “Oh, I was such a bitch to him,” because the mood will pass and then she’ll calm down — a normal woman. We’re assuming that is a normal, healthy woman, not a lunatic, a toxic person that you shouldn’t have in your life.
So, if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man,” it’s available for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. You can also read “Mastering Yourself” for free there as well. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. And if you’re having a challenge or a situation you’d like to get my help with, just go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab on top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Women come in all kinds of different emotional intensities. Some women are very feminine and girly, but very bitchy, grumpy and moody. Others are more laid back, don’t take things personally, look for reasons to laugh and assume the best and will generally tell you what’s bothering them if you ask. Then there are other women who are overly emotional, jealous, insecure and simply too toxic to be around for an extended period of time. They are difficult, passive aggressive and play games instead of being straight with you so you can easily work out your differences. This is why it’s essential to set and enforce healthy boundaries. The reality is that women who are easier to get along with and who have a great attitude are going to be much easier to be around and live with in a long-term relationship than difficult, grumpy, bad communicators. Choose wisely, because 95% of your happiness or misery will come from the people you choose to spend your time with.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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