How To Determine If You Can Get Your Ex Back Or If It’s A Lost Cause

How to determine if you can get your ex back or if it’s a lost cause.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who claims to have read 3% Man over 20 times and has followed my work for six years. He recently met up with his ex who dumped him five months ago, but it didn’t go like he expected. They spent the day together, exchanged a few kisses, held hands, but it went nowhere.

He says she seems to be over it. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, usually under most circumstances when you go back, everything that turns you off, if you’re the one that did the dumping, everything that turns you off is still there, but in this particular case, this guy got dumped by his ex back in May. So we’re about five months after the dumping happened. He claims to have read 3% Man over 20 times, been following my work for six years, then he recently met up with his ex who dumped him back in May. It did not go as he expected. Then again, when I look how he handled the interaction and the get together, he was not following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So maybe he read the book 20 times many years ago, hasn’t been through it in a long time, but he’s clearly not behaving in ways that are consistent with the book. So this should not be surprising that he’s not getting good results. He says they did get together, they exchanged a few kisses, they held hands, meaning he grabbed her hand, but it really went nowhere, and he says she seems to be over it at this point.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve been following your program since 2018 and have read your book over 20 times. Been a life savor for my relationships and picking up women.

The reason I’m reaching out is because I met up with my ex yesterday to return a couple things to her and it went differently than expected.

Well, if your ex got back in touch with you after five months, you should have been following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That means if you want to get her back, then you should be inviting her over to make dinner at your place in the evening. Hang out, have fun, hook up. You follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s an article in video I did many years ago, probably at least 10 years ago since I released that. The principles are the same today as they were back then, but instead he’s meeting up with her, probably on neutral ground. So when you agree to do something like that instead of her coming over for dinner, what you’re communicating is platonic vibes. In other words, you’re OK. This truly is just exchanging some things between us that we haven’t given each other.

We were dating for five years and engaged for two, but in May this year she broke it off as things were rocky for the last year. There was quite a bit of fighting and our needs were not being met but I let my emotions get the best of me and stopped following tools from the book. She hadn’t lived with me for a year to try and work on things but it just didn’t end up working. 

Yeah, if you’re in a relationship for five years, you say you read the book 20 times, your girlfriend moved out over a year ago and you didn’t get closer together in that time? You’re not applying what’s in the book. So that tells you maybe many years ago he went through it, but somewhere along the way, he completely got away from the book and was doing things his way and it predictably didn’t work out.

The breakup was relatively clean, the day she told me she wanted to breakup, we spent a beautiful day together and then went our separate ways. There has been very limited contact since then but always her reaching out to me, (Mostly for logistical reasons) never, “Hey I miss you,” no contact from my end and we do not follow each other on any socials.

I still love this person deeply and would love to see it work but it appeared the love had died for her.

Yesterday we finally agreed to meet and exchanged some things. Her birthday is coming up so naturally I had a card and a small gift for her, and she thought that was very nice.

Well, she’s not your girlfriend anymore. Would she get you a card and a birthday gift if it was your birthday? Probably not.

Before we even started going through her stuff, we sat down with each other, had a drink, and started catching up.

If you were following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, she’d been coming to your place and you would have been making dinner together. Anything that she wanted to exchange with you, she would have brought over to your place, but it sounds like they met somewhere else.

Things were quiet and a bit awkward but they were nice and we kept it lite. As per your advice, I just tried to keep it cool and happy and avoided discussing our relationship.

Well, it’s not that you need to avoid discussing the relationship, you shouldn’t be talking and focusing on rekindling the relationship, because your job really is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out and then when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced, then you make your move.

We eventually moved closer together and she had her legs on me, with my arm around her while we were telling goofy stories about our summer.

I asked her if is she was hungry, and she said yes, so I took her to this fancy-ish restaurant…

Again, if you’d have been following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, she would have been coming over to make dinner at your place. Again, it’s like the book went out the window a long time ago.

…We always used to go to and ordered her a nice “birthday” dinner.

So you did a big, giant grand gesture, expensive birthday dinner for her.

Towards the end, I moved to her side and was able to sneak a couple small kisses in.

Does that sound like a guy that’s letting her come to him, or does that sound like a guy that’s pursuing? Because again, she should have been moving closer to you. If she’d have been leaning across the table and touching your arm, you should say, “Why don’t you come over here and sit next to me?” But if it didn’t, you know, she’s playing with her hair, twirling around her fingers. If you see the signs of attraction that are discussed in the book, then you can invite her to come sit next to you, but this whole thing is his whole mindset is, “How do I win her back? How do I get her to pay attention to me?” Which again, is the opposite of what’s taught in the book.

I think she liked it cause she didn’t pull away, and we were holding hands on the table.

Does this sound like a guy that’s read the book 20 times?

Once we got back to my place we cuddled on the couch a little more and I went in for another kiss, but she said, “Let’s take it slow.”

So again, you’re trying to kiss her and escalate things physically when she’s not open to it, and you didn’t have the self-awareness to notice that she wasn’t open to it.

I asked if she wanted a back rub, and she agreed so we went to the bed and I rubbed her back till she fell asleep.

Well, that was nice of you.

At one point, I looked over her to make eye contact and she said, “I don’t want to have sex,” which I agreed with, but even before this I was feeling quite sad because seeing in her my bed was bringing up so many emotions for me.

This guy is not prepared at all. By the time he went into the bedroom, they should have been all over each other and it should have been a smooth process. Again, this does not sound like the actions of a guy who has read the book 20 times. Maybe he thumbed through it a few times many years ago, but this just sounds like a rookie that has no idea what he’s doing. As soon as she says, “We’re not having sex,” he’s like, “OK, well that’s it.” He wasn’t trying two steps forward, one step back. Again, I don’t see any evidence of him really doing anything that is taught in the book. I see him doing the opposite.

After this, we got up and went back to hers to drop off her stuff. We held hands the entire car ride.

Meaning more than likely he probably grabbed and held her hand. He’s pursuing her instead of letting her come to him.

When I was walking away, we kissed two more times, I stood and paused, and told her I loved her. She said she loved me too, and I walked towards the elevator and left.

When I got home she texted me and said thank you for the night and that I was a very very sweet person, that she appreciated it very much and if I wanted to come by and say hi to the cat (We used to care for together) tomorrow then she would message me.

I haven’t gotten that message yet, but I am incredibly confused.

We ended up spending five hours with each other instead of just giving back old things. 

How can I figure out what that all meant and how should I play my cards right to keep moving this in the right direction of getting her back? 

Thanks coach! 

Bob

Well number one, actually read the book and apply it, because what you sent me does not seem like an email from a guy that’s ever cracked a book, or maybe you just completely forgot it all because it was so long ago. The other thing is, you should be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You shouldn’t have been going to her, you shouldn’t have been taking her out to dinner. All this stuff is discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So if she reached out to you, you should assume that she wanted to see you and invited her over to make dinner at your place. If she had some things she wanted to bring over of yours, you could have told her to bring it over along with a bottle of wine. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Instead, you didn’t follow that. You kind of did your own thing. You took her to a restaurant, you bought her a gift, you wrote her a card, spent a lot of money on her, and what did you get? A couple little light kisses and being pushed away and, “Oh hey, you can be friends with a cat.” So I would say this is not looking good.

What I would do if I were you at this point is nothing. If you hear from her, invite her over to make dinner at your place. Actually, start following what I teach. Actually start following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because you’ve been trying it your way, which clearly has not been working. As you said in the beginning, you completely got away from the principles in the book and you still don’t realize that you’re not following what’s in the book. So this is not surprising that it’s not really going anywhere. These last five months, you’ve probably been talking and texting a lot, and it’s not really advanced. There are probably other opportunities for you to make dates and you never did. So if you’re just going to ignore what’s in the book or you don’t know what’s in the book, it’s not going to help you. As the old saying goes, “That book that you don’t read won’t help you or can’t help you.”

Like I said, you shouldn’t have been doing none of this. Going to her house, meeting her out, taking her to dinner. Again, these are all specifically detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. These are things you do not do. This is why you’re confused. The fact you’re confused means that her interest is low, and the chances of you and her potentially rekindling things doesn’t look like it’s in the cards, especially with your game being as atrocious as it is. Again, you don’t sound like a guy that even knows the book or has read it once, even though you said you read it 20 times. I don’t see any evidence of that in your email here. I just see a guy that’s kind of trying it his own way, he’s probably over pursued. Again, he said he got dumped because he completely got away from what was in the book, and it looks like that is unfortunately still the case, my man.

You got to do better. You got to participate in your own rescue. There are no shortcuts to success. The first thing you should have done when you got dumped was to get back into the book and get back in the fundamentals. For whatever reason, you didn’t. You still tried to continue doing it your own way, you still are trying to do it your own way and it’s not working. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. That’s something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.