How To Get Her To Treat You Like A Priority Instead Of An Option

How to get women to treat you like a priority instead of an option.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He clearly cares too much about a girl who doesn’t feel the same. He’s too focused on how much he likes her and this makes it difficult for him to see his interest in not reciprocated and to back off. She’s asking for space and he views her as a girlfriend. I tell him what he should do so she treats him like a priority. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne. This is my Video Coaching Newsletter, and the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “How To Get Her To Treat You Like A Priority Instead Of An Option.”

Well, this particular email looks like it’s a guy, he’s new to my work. He’s been through 3% Man twice so far. And so it’s pretty obvious that he really cares about this girl too much, and she’s not in the same place as not feeling the same thing. And it’s just it’s a good email because it shows what happens when a guy is too focused on how much he likes a girl, but doesn’t really pay attention to the fact she’s not reciprocating.

Because she’s starting to say thing. She’s backing off, she’s asking for space, and you can tell he kind of looks at her and perceives her and interacts with her as a girlfriend or potential girlfriend, and she’s just kind of treating him as one of the potential guys she’s seeing and dating.

So let’s go through his email, because pretty much every guy that’s new to my work or has been following me for a while, it’s like anybody watching this is at some point in their life dated a girl, and this is exactly what happens. And so by learning how attraction works, reading the book, applying it, and fine tuning it with these Video Newsletters, these are the kinds of things that should become a part of your past permanently.

Viewer Email:

Hello Corey,

I’ve read your book just twice and always imagined me writing you about my love life, but I guess I was waiting to do it for the “right person”. I’ve been dating a friend of my sister for 6 months, she’s 31 and me 30. We met at kindergarten, and hadn’t talked since until she replied to an Instagram story. She broke up with her 9 year relationship ex a month before we started dating and told me everything about the really toxic relationship they had.

Well, when you start dating somebody that just broke up, especially in this case, nine years, almost a decade, you should expect a lot of hot and cold behavior. Usually most of the time the women are doing the dumping, so there’s a good chance he’s probably trying to get back in the picture. And that’s why when you’re dating a woman that just got out of a ten year relationship, you got to let her come to you at her pace. Because if the other guy is still around, if you over pursue, you can end up talking, texting, and chasing her out of your life and into the arms of the ex. Right Lyla? What are you squirming about?

Everything felt effortless with her, lots of green flags, and things went well for the next 5 months, she even told me sex was overrated until she met me.

You stud. Man’s laying the pipe. He’s laying the pipe properly.

I wasn’t in a rush.

Yeah, that’s what happened. That’s what happened to your mom and dad. That’s how you got here. You and your five freaky friends/siblings.

I wasn’t in a rush and things were escalating well, staring being exclusive and she told me she was really in love several times.

Well, you got to remember, as the book says, when she says she’s in love with you, it applies in the moment. 24 hours later it expires, just like the weather report. As if the weather report’s right half the time anyways.

We were treating each other like we were in a relationship, me thinking that was supposed to happen and eventually she bringing up relationship. We’ve even introduced each other to our parents. I’m a pastry chef and had been having issues at my work since is an ego-environment and I was done with disrespectful behavior, that monotony and lack of excitement made me change a lot things about myself and eventually started over pursuing and expecting her wanting to go out almost every weekend. At least one day since is my day off. 

So he’s getting a little ahead of himself, getting a little over his skis. And so this is what happens because he’s got things going on in his life. He’s not necessarily happy. He starts looking at this girl as being the source of his happiness, and he starts to call and text too much. Because at this point, six months in, she should be doing 95% of the calling, texting and pursuing. But again, he’s brand new to my work, and so he’s trying to course correct when he’s already six months down the road. So when you over pursue a woman feels like she’s being smothered, and most importantly, she’s going to feel like she’s losing her freedom.

And remember that Thích Nhất Hạnh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So if you smother a girl and you over pursue her, you should expect to get the, “I need space.” And when a woman needs space, she could tell you’re way more into her than she is into you. And they want to be alone and by themselves and away from you to see if their feelings change and start to return. That’s why it’s super critical when a woman says, “hey, I need space.” It’s like, “hey, no problem, take all you need, just hit me up when you miss me or you want to see me.” And you just let her be. And a few days will go by. Maybe a week at the worst. And then she reaches out. You just say, “Hey you. It’s great to hear from you. I want to see you.” And make the next date.

Once she went out with a friend to a bar and ended up drinking with her best friend she bumped at the same place to another one until 4am. She didn’t reply until the next morning apologizing and telling me about it. She noticed a bit of my discomfort.

In other words, he was a little butthurt. He was perturbed. He’s getting upset. Masculinity is calm, and when a girl does that, when she just, like, doesn’t reply or she’s out with girlfriends and not replying to you, it just shows lower or low interest and low respect. And that’s the kind of thing where he’s trying to see where she’s at, what’s she doing, who she’s with. He’s probably coming from the place of trying to find out where he stands with her today, because her behavior is kind of hot and cold, and he’s noticed she’s been a little different. She went out with all her friends and didn’t invite him. And it sounds like she was kind of acting like she was a free agent. So this is what happens when you over pursue. She wants to go do other things without you and you got to let her be.

She noticed a bit of my discomfort. But since we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend it didn’t feel right to feel mad about it or saying something, I was worried she was okay, and somehow like a single girl kind of plan. Or isn’t it?

Well, when you’ve been dating somebody for six months and you’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, you’re just kind of fuck buddies, friends with benefits. That’s why you really need to spend time with the book. Because if you’re six months in and she hasn’t brought up being exclusive. And on top of that, she’s asking for space. Her interest has been dropping. It’s going in the wrong direction.

She really doesn’t reply a lot or at all when she’s out with her friends.

Well, if you know she’s out with her friends, you shouldn’t be texting her anyways. You should be letting her reach out to you.

Which I considered a red flag but calling out might made me look controlling. 

I wouldn’t have said anything. You have to look at that and recognize that she would rather go out with her friends and not talk to you. And so if you’re, because this is obviously happened more than once. So when this does happen, next time she goes out with her girlfriend, he shouldn’t text her at all. He should just let her be. Let her wonder what he’s doing or what he’s up to. But instead he’s worried about where he stands with her and what she’s doing when he’s not around, and he’s trying to find out and be certain about how she feels about him today.

And that’s a bad way to go. That just makes you come off as clingy as needy. And all it’s going to do is make the woman flee from you more, lower her attraction to you and her respect, and it just will be longer until you see her again. And when the interest is already going down, to keep pursuing like that, to keep texting her when you know she’s out with friends, and then getting upset that she didn’t reply until the next day. It just makes you look weak.

I accept I’ve done a lot wrong with my masculine, so one day she told me she needed space to keep healing, deal with work etc., and was confused about already feeling in a relationship but not wanting one yet. I know.

See, that’s what happens when you over pursue. You’re focused on a relationship and locking her down to a commitment, and you cannot do that with a woman that got out of a nine year relationship. Dude, you just can’t. It doesn’t work.

The very next day we didn’t send any good morning texts and later that night she went out with her friends at a party and posted a lot of Instagram stories. I felt undervalued and hurt for the indifference. I’m not sure what behavior is it okay or not for her to have like going out etc. 

I know she might return, but I wouldn’t know how to feel or to say, about her coming back as if nothing had happened or the way I felt hurt and just dropping everything like nothing. I’m starting my own business so at the moment it has helped a bit. I’m grateful for your work.

Bob

Well, she’s not your girlfriend and her interest and her attraction is low. And quite frankly, you should be behaving like a free agent yourself. You should be applying what’s in the book and meeting and dating other women, because it sure looks like, you know, she’s telling you, hey, I don’t want a relationship, and that’s fine. And so you should be dating other women, because it sure looks like she’s making herself available to meet other men. And the more you read the book, the more you apply it.

The more you start to act masculine consistently, the more you back off and match and mirror her low interest and low effort. Again, when a woman says, “I need space”, you got to stop calling and texting her and you wait to hear from her next. And then when she engages and reaches out, you make the next date. But then after that date is over, you say, “call me later” and I would wait to hear from her. I wouldn’t even be reaching out to her at all because you’re over pursuing, and that gets in the way of her missing you, having space and time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, for her feelings to grow.

And you’re getting in the way of that. That’s why you’ve been dating this girl six months. She’s still going out, keeping her options open. And you’re just like one of the guys she’s dating. Even though in your mind you’ve already decided you want her as your girlfriend and you’re even kind of starting to treat her like your girlfriend, but you got to pay attention to the fact that she’s asking for space and she’s backing off the worst thing you can do, and it looks like you’re still doing, is you’re still pursuing her even after she’s asked for space. So the more you do that, the more you pursue.

Again, as the book says, you should never be doing more than 20% to 30% of the pursuing ever. And at this point in the relationship she should be doing 95% of it. So what I would suggest in the coming weeks is back off. Like especially again she asked for space so I wouldn’t be initiating contact at all. I would be waiting to hear from her and then making dates when you do. And because you’ve been pursuing too much and all you’re doing is you’re getting in the way of her attraction growing for you over time, it’s actually counterproductive.

You’re literally chasing this girl out of your life with this over pursuing behavior. And that’s why having some other girls would, and a little practice squad, would really help you master what’s in the book. Not be so hungry and after her and cause her to see you as a little bit more mysterious. Because your behavior is different. Because if you got other women, you’re not just totally obsessed and focused on her. You got other choices, other options, and she’ll be able to feel that she doesn’t have 100% of your attention like she did in the past.

And that will typically cause her to work for it because women like a guy that’s a challenge. And you’re making this way too easy for her. Women should be doing most of the calling, texting, and pursuing. If she’s always chasing you, she’s not going to be getting rid of you. And you’re chasing her way too much to the point where she’s pushing you away. So you better pump the brakes, dude, and pull your head out of your butt. Take reading the book seriously and back off and let this girl come to you. Because when a girl is asking for space, usually getting dumped and blown off is not too far after that. So danger, Will Robinson. Pump the brakes, bro.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.