How To Get Romance & Intimacy Instead Of Becoming Her Butler & Harry Honda

How to get sex and romance instead of getting used for favors & doing her chores.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 28 year old viewer who unknowingly became a butler and Harry Honda to a woman he was trying to date. He would drive 2 hours to see her for dates, only to be given a list of chores and projects she needed done around the house. They only fooled around once and nothing physical has happened since. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “How To Get Romance & Intimacy Instead Of Becoming Her Butler & Harry Honda.”

So this particular email, this guy is 28 years old and he unknowingly became a butler and Harry Honda to a woman he was trying to date. This guy would drive two hours to see her for dates, but like when he got there, she had a list of things and projects for him to do. And they only fooled around once. And pretty much nothing physical has happened since. When he’s asked her to travel to him, his car broke down and she’s just like, yeah, I’m busy.

So this is what happens when you’re too nice to a woman. So this is a good email to avoid doing this because a lot of nice guys fall into this trap. They think, “oh, I’ll do things for her and she’ll see what a great guy I am. And she’ll want to be my girlfriend or my wife.” So you can do projects and things for your girlfriend or your wife, but not a chick that you’re driving two hours for and you haven’t even boned yet. But when you’re too nice and you’re a people pleaser and you go along with things because you don’t want to upset her, because you’re worried that you will won’t get access to the box.

When you think like that, you’ll actually make it so you actually don’t get access to the box. So don’t do what this guy did. But it’s a good email to learn from, because a lot of us when we were younger, we do stupid shit like this and we’re like, “man, you’re a great guy, but I just think of you as a friend.”

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m 27 years old and I started dating a woman who’s 28 years old about two months ago. In the early weeks, things were going well. We saw each other around once or twice a week. She lived an hour away from me, so I usually drove to her place.

So it’s like a two hour round trip, I guess. That’s a long way to drive for a piece of Chocha. But you’re not getting that Chocha.

When we were together, she would often ask for my help with things in her apartment, installing lights, assembling furniture, etc. I did it without complaints, but over time I started to feel that our “dates” were more about me doing chores than actually spending romantic time together.
 A couple of dates were actually super fun and felt great. She was not very affectionate overall.

So I assume he’s come across my work after he got himself into this situation. So you’ve got to read the book. You have to read the book. It’s free to read the Members Area on the Website. Obviously, if you’re watching this, you’re a Paying Member on YouTube or Spotify or the Website, but the book is free to read there. You’ve got to learn the baseline fundamentals and clean up your game and stop doing things like this. If you’re one of those guys that’s inclined to do these things, don’t. Just don’t do it. It’s a bad way to go.

Nice guys get no respect and they get no pussy for a reason. The problem is he’s too nice and soft and compliant. She can feel that. She’s like, “well, I can get him to do favors for me and I’ll get a free meal out of it, and I’ll give him a peck on the cheek and tell him what a great guy he is.” There are women out there that will use you and not feel guilty. They’ll just be like, well, he’s willing to do it.

She was not very affectionate overall. In fact, we only had one real intimate experience at my place, and physical affection from her then was on point. Keep in mind I had to go and pick her up and then drive her home again in the morning. It’s a two hour drive round trip. I often felt like I was the one putting in more effort to text, initiate plans, and keep the connection alive. For example, she wanted me to send “good morning” texts, which I did.

Yeah, don’t do that. Even if you’re in an exclusive relationship. Don’t do that. Just say, look, if I’m going to send you good morning texts, I want it to be a surprise. I don’t want to become robots. I don’t expect good morning texts or good night texts from you either. I want it to be a gift from the heart, not an obligation. Because if it’s an obligation, you’re not going to appreciate it. Just like if I decided to send you a dozen roses, first time I do it, you’re like, oh, this is amazing.

But what if I got you a 30 day supply of a dozen roses delivery every day? But after a week or two, you’re going to be like, stop sending me fucking roses there. I don’t know what to do with all these things. I’m giving away to my friends, my neighbors. It’s ridiculous. It’s too much. (Hi. Erica here editing this newsletter. A woman will NEVER say or do that! FYI) Scarcity creates value.

And when you do good morning and good evening texts, it’s anti challenge. It’s boring and it’s just, it has no effect and usually has a negative effect on her interest, especially in the beginning, because like she told you to do something, and you just comply. It’s absurd to be sending good morning and good evening texts to somebody you’re not even fucking.

But she only sent the first one near the end.

So that’s the other thing. You got to pay attention to her effort. She says she wants good morning text, but she never sends you one. That’s why you don’t do these things. If a woman asks you to do that, even if you’re exclusive, just say no. I want it to be random. You know, maybe every once in a while I’ll send a good morning text with a meme or something, but it’s like, it’s just boring. I don’t want my relationship to become dull and boring and robotic and routine.

I only want you sending me a good morning, or good evening or good afternoon text. If you just are feeling great and you want to light me up out of the blue and it’s unexpected, we’ll both appreciate that a hell of a lot more. I don’t want to feel like being in a relationship with you is a job. And good morning and good evening texts is, that’s like one of the first steps into it becoming a job. Neither one of us will appreciate it.

If I didn’t text first, we would simply not talk.

Well, dating is like tennis, and that tells me you were putting too much effort and she was not reciprocating. And instead of matching and mirroring her lack of effort, you made more of an effort. Women like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. And so you over communicated your interest and we’re just happy to be there. You are a people pleaser. You did whatever she asked. You probably were never willing to tell her no or stand up to her. And that’s why you didn’t get no Puswa.

And when I reached out she would be cold and angry. So I wanted things to work out.

Yeah, she’s cold and angry to you because she doesn’t respect you and she’s not attracted to you and you’re being too soft and squishy.

So I wanted things to work out. That’s why we texted throughout the day.

Again, the phone is for setting dates, but I assume you’re new here. This is what happens. You basically become a texting, a digital pen pal, a text buddy, gay male girlfriend, the Harry Honda, in this case, the butler. But you ain’t get no Puswa.

There were some concerning remarks from her side. She made fun of me for not earning as much on my main job as she does and suggested I get a second job.

If a woman doesn’t support your purpose and what you do, especially if she’s, you know, ripping into you like that she’s the wrong woman. Now, it’s nice if she encourages you to do more, to do better, but when she’s laughing at you in a condescending way, when you’re fucking driving two hours round trip for her for blue balls, it’s like, I don’t think so. So if she’s doing that, it’s like, don’t talk to me like that. That’s rude. You need to apologize. And if she says, I’m not apologizing. I was like, well, I’m going to go. Then when you’re ready to apologize, hit me up. Bye bye.

Whenever I shared something, I was proud of. Like owning property or having passive income. I actually have more money than her, she downplayed it.

Well, that’s typically what a narcissist does. Makes you question yourself and doubt yourself. And so I would definitely look up “Love bombing”, and “Narcissistic abuse”. You can Google it. There’s tons of information. Lots of Psychiatrists and Therapists have written extensively on it. You should be aware of it so you can spot this behavior. Because if you don’t stand up to a woman like this, it gets worse. They gaslight you. And you have to understand that. There are women out there that will fuck your shit up if you don’t know what’s going on.

She openly told me she wouldn’t give “100%” to a relationship until she was officially with someone.

That’s like blah blah blah. Womp womp womp womp womp womp wah wah. She’ll give 100% to a guy she’s really into. So one of the reasons why she’s saying that is she’s basically saying, there’s no way I’m giving you 100% unless I was official with you, which obviously you’re clearly not getting there, at least not with the way you’re behaving.

But to me, relationships are built step by step, not by holding back until some imaginary threshold is crossed.

Well, again, the reason she’s telling you this is she’s basically saying, I’m not feeling it and I’m not going to give you 100% because I’m not feeling it. So that’s the takeaway from that.

She put in 0% effort, I put in effort in order to make her feel more comfortable in the future, because she said she would do anything for her future boyfriend, and promised me a lot.

There was a video I did years ago called, “The Promises Of More Later”. It was a guy. It was all, you know, women will dangle the carrot, and if that’s all it takes to get you to comply and jump through your butt for her, she’s going to totally lose respect. You’re going to dry her up, and you can do favors for her and be your butler like this guy has done. So when you hear those things again, that’s like, kind of gaslighting, love bombing. Oh, I’ll do this, I’ll do that. But you look at what a woman does, not what she says. What she does is a true reflection of how she feels about you in the moment. It’s like the weather report. It’s only good for that day.

Dogs are playing. I wonder, can you guys hear the dogs? “Argh”. It’s funny watching them play and how they, “Grr” at each other. So that’s a little Elon. He’s like the little boy, like little man syndrome. He’s the smallest of the five in the litter. And, uh, when the rest of the dogs are sleeping, he’ll go over and start doing that shit, to rile them up and nip at them. So they get up and they start playing with him. It’s kind of funny to watch.

She would keep bringing up how guys at work are hitting on her. She really is attractive, I would never act jealous though and just said that it’s her responsibility to set some boundaries with them. 

Well, again, this is not your girlfriend and it doesn’t sound like you’re fucking her, so, it really doesn’t matter. But that’s basically her way of saying that, hey, other men want to date and fuck me.

Arguments started to happen more often.

Well men who understand women do not argue with them. So gotta read the book, dude.

One of the breaking points for me was when my car had to go on maintenance for a week, and I suggested that she could drive to me for once. She didn’t, saying she’d do it “after the holidays”. That meant not seeing each other for 3 weeks which made me feel like I was always the one making the effort and she didn’t care at all.

Well that’s correct. She didn’t give a fuck. That’s why she’s willing to wait. So if a woman’s like, oh yeah, I’m fine with not seeing you for three weeks, then guess what? Match and mirror that. Say you’re fine with it too. Indifference is a difference that makes a difference. But more than likely, you were like. No, I can’t stay away from you that long. Okay, I’ll drive to you. This is when you don’t match and mirror her lack of effort and interest, that’s why she’s okay with not seeing you for three weeks, because she just doesn’t miss you that much. So you have to pay attention to that.

See, this is what happens when you only pay attention to your interest in her, and you ignore the fact that you’re way more into her, that she’s into you. You only care about your feelings and how much you like her than you completely ignore that. She’s totally, oh yeah, we’ll do it after the holidays. You’re driving all his two hours, almost 100% of the time. I guess she’s only come to your place once. And this is the difference, is that instead of just saying. All right, no problem.

Well, I guess I’ll see you after the holidays. That’s what I would have said. You’re okay? Was like, well, you’re obviously okay with it. It’s like, I’ve driven 100% of the time, two hours round trip to you, and you’re not willing to do it once. It’s like, well, obviously, you know, we’re not on the same page. So when you miss me, hit me up, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.

Right before my vacation, I told her that I am ending this and continuing only if she meets me halfway, either come to my place or at least show more effort in general. She took this as “manipulation”.

Again, this is typically what a narcissist says. “Oh, you’re just being manipulative.” It’s like, no, you got to make a mutual effort. And I’ve done all the traveling and you’re telling me you don’t care about me enough to travel, so there’s nothing else to talk about. I’m gonna date and see other girls, especially girls that live near me. So, you know, you date who you want. I’m gonna date who I want. And if you want to come see me, hit me up.

Which honestly shocked me, she said I am probably going to whore myself on vacation where me and my lads went. To me, it was a clear boundary. She didn’t respond to my last message, and that was the end of the conversation.

So if she’s talking to you like that, it’d be like. And she didn’t respond to your last message, that’s it. You don’t ever reach out to her again as long as you live. Dating is like tennis. But did he do that? Nope. See, this is, again, this is where you give your power away because you don’t have the balls to disappear. If a woman treats you properly, she gets a gift of your time. And if she doesn’t like, in this case, she gets a gift of missing you and it will be permanent if she doesn’t hit the ball back over the net. But he didn’t do that. So three days, he waited three whole days.

Three days later, I sent her a lighthearted TikTok video as a way to open the door for her to reach out. She viewed it but never replied. Since then, we’ve had complete No Contact. During the relationship.

Uh, you were not in a relationship, you were just kind of seeing her. It sounds like you were seeing her at first, but after she came to see you and you fooled around that one time after that, you’re just a guy doing favors and you’re begging and pleading for her time and her attention. And when she can blow you off and treat you like dirt, insult you about how much you make. It’s like you don’t reward a woman who treats you that way with more of your time and your attention. You give her the gift of missing you permanently unless she apologizes and reaches out and makes more effort.

During the relationship, we had also talked about serious topics, possible future travel, even adoption if we couldn’t have kids.

This is way too much, way too serious, too soon.

Choosing names for potential children.

Dude, you’re not even fucking this girl and you’re already picking out the names for your kids. This is all. But this is what all beta males do, they don’t know any better. If you get, “Oh, I’ll talk about the future. And that’ll make her like me. Then she’ll know I’m serious.” It’s like women don’t care that you want to have kids or you’re willing to adopt. All they care about is how they feel about you. And she clearly doesn’t really care for you. That’s why she wasn’t willing to drive an hour to see you and then an hour back, because it’s not worth her time. You have to pay attention to that. You have to pay attention to a woman who is not reciprocating, and then match and mirror that behavior.

She said she loved me.

Well, I think she was love bombing you.

And I said it back. But despite the big words, her actions never matched them.

Again. She kind of sounds like a narcissist. Again, you got to look up what a narcissist does. Narcissistic abuse, love bombing, gaslighting, elevation, the whole nine yards. You have to understand that because these women are out there in society.

Now it’s been two weeks since the so-called breakup.

Well, again, you were never together. You’re just in no contact because she’s like, yeah, I don’t care to see you until after the holidays.

And 11 days since the TikTok. She still views my stories almost instantly. Often the first one to watch, but she hasn’t posted much on her own social media since the breakup, just one short story I didn’t watch.

Don’t watch her stories because it gives her a receipt and she knows that you’re creeping her media. You want her to think, “what happened to this guy?” Like you dropped off the face of the earth, and then when a couple of weeks go by, if interest creeps back up on her, she’ll say, “what happened to Bob? He disappeared. He was such a great guy. I was kind of a bitch to him.”

To make matters worse, on our last date she revealed she had HPV, which she never told me before our intimate experience.

Usually that means when someone says “intimate experience”, it usually sounds like just a little oral sex.

I learned this from other sources, and when I kind of manipulated her into telling me she said if it bothers me, I can leave. As if it was my mistake.

Well, it’s just she has all the power because you gave it to her. She has all the leverage. She knows it. That’s why she could just be dismissive of you. And you’d come running back like a little puppy dog. I got three of them out in the living room right now.

This means I now have to spend around $400 for vaccination out of my own pocket and a betrayal I will never forget. I’m confused because: Part of me feels like I lost my cool and pressured her, which I know you say is bad.

Well, the problem was, is that you were too fucking nice, Dude. If you’re an hour away from a girl and you say you meet her online, well, first couple times you should travel to her. But after that, she needs to reciprocate and drive to you. And if she’s not willing to do that, then she doesn’t care about you enough, or doesn’t feel safe and comfortable enough with you to come to your place.

But part of me also feels I had every right to expect more effort from her.

You do.

Since we had been dating for almost 2 months.

Well, again, it was kind of more of a situationship, and it looks like she was just using you to do her chores. Again, it’s a bad way to go.

She labeled my boundary as “manipulation”.

Probably because she was actually the one manipulating you. Remember, people project what’s inside. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. One big one over the last 7 or 8 years is fascist. He’s a fascist. Fascism. Everybody that was calling Trump a fascist. Guess what? They were behaving as a fascist. What is fascism? As Mussolini said, “it’s the perfect merger of state and corporate interest.” It means the politicians are in bed with the corporations. That’s what’s happening.

So when whenever you see anybody constantly accusing somebody like, oh, this is the fascist, the authoritarian, the ones that are accusing are they’re projecting. Just remember, that all human beings do this. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So pay attention to that. If somebody labels you as a manipulator or you’re this or you’re all, you’re gaslighting me.

It’s like, no, they’re gaslighting you. They’re just projecting. Just be aware of it. So when you notice these kinds of things and you be you’re accused of these kinds of things, you have to go, whoa, wait a minute. You just accuse me of being a manipulator. That’s typically what a narcissist does, so pay attention to that.

She labeled my boundary as “manipulation”, which makes me question her emotional intelligence, and I did call her out on that & and said she doesn’t know how to function in healthy relationships. 

That’s probably true.

My question is: Did I truly mess this up by losing my cool once, or was this doomed because she wasn’t showing up in the first place?

Well, the problem was, is that you had no game. You don’t understand how attraction works. This is why you’ve got to read the book, dude, and take this shit seriously. And you may have had a narcissist on your hands, but when you’re soft and you’re compliant and you always do what the girl asks. Like the good morning text and all, and then she and you completely ignore. You’re sending good morning text every day and she doesn’t send you anything. You’re always driving to her, but she won’t drive to see you. You’re jumping through your butt, trying to make plans.

And she’s like, yeah, you go all the way there to go on a date and she’s like, hey, here’s a list of shit to do. And then you don’t actually have a date and you don’t get the barrels blown out, and you just go home with a sad case of blue balls and maybe a peck on the cheek for your trouble. And all the gas and tolls and everything, and the wear and tear in your car and everything else that you do. So don’t do this. I know the thirst is real, but you can’t behave this way with a woman. They will treat you like a fucking doormat and feel like you deserve it.

And do you think she’s likely to reach out given the current No Contact situation?

She might. More than likely, most guys don’t have the balls to walk away, but I would never, ever contact her again for any reason as long as you live. Unless she reaches out and unless she’s apologetic, unless she comes to you for the next few dates, at least the next three dates, then you’re not going to see her. And it’s got to be three dates in a row. And I would just have dinner dates at your place to make dinner and hang out, have fun, and hook up.

If she’s not willing to do that, follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but she has to come to you for the next three dates. And if she hangs out and has fun, and you hook up and you fuck, I would practice safe sex because she’s got HPV. But, um, if she comes over and she won’t have sex. Oh, and she’s giving you the cheek, then she can keep coming over and making dinner. But if she comes over like two times in a row and nothing happens, then after that, I wouldn’t ask her out again, ever.

Also she was what you call a structured woman, no kiss on first date, and sex is timed etc. everything is time related.

Well, she’s telling you that because it sounds logical and it’s quite possible. She’s definitely a structured woman, but I don’t know that because you were so soft and so beta and so compliant with her. This is why she wouldn’t sleep with you. She gives you the excuse, you’re like, okay, well, okay. We haven’t spent enough time together. Makes sense. But she doesn’t have any problem with you doing favors for her. And the most important thing is she won’t travel to see you. Why? Because she doesn’t care about you. She doesn’t think you’re worth it. But she doesn’t mind you driving all the way to there with your tools and everything to do all of her chores for her. Her attitude is, well, he’s willing to do it. So who am I to say no.

Should have just ended after the first date when she moved her face away when I tried to kiss her?

Well, as I say in the book, if you go to kiss her and you get the cheek, you never call her again for any reason after that. And now she reaches out and brings up getting together or reaches out to you, then I’d give her one more chance. But if you get the cheek again, it’s like I would never go out with again unless she brings it up first and then she’s got to come to your place. But me personally, it’s like if a girl is giving you the cheek, I’ve never gone. When I was younger, I would entertain those girls.

And you just take them out a bunch and spend a bunch of money, and you get fucking nowhere and you just get blue balls. So as I got into my early 30s, I realized it was a waste of time and a waste of money. If I ever go to kiss a girl and I get the cheek. I never called her again. And I don’t think I ever heard from a girl that gave me the cheek ever when I dipped like that. It’s just we both realize there’s nothing there, and I was moving on. When I was younger I would have kept trying, thinking, oh, okay, I’ll just be patient.

I broke a lot of rules in the book willingly because I thought it’s the way to make her happy.

Well, so you went, you did read the book, so you went against the rules, knowing what they were. And the book told you what was going to happen, and you did it anyways. See, this is, you got a people pleaser mentality. You really like the girl. And so therefore you were willing to break all these rules and jump through your butt for. And where’d you get? You got blue balls. You got frustration. You pissed away a lot of money on gas and tolls and taking around and everything else that you did for.

So she’s got to come to you for at least the next three dates. And as long as you hook up all three times, then after that you can meet her out and pick her up and go on dates. But it’s got to be give and take after that, she’s got to come to you, you go to her, the next time she comes to you, and if she’s not willing to do that and she’s like, oh, it’s going to be a few weeks. Hey, no problem. Well, hit me up in a few weeks when your schedule frees up. I’d love to see you. Make her make the effort or you’re just not going to travel, because no pussy’s worth that.

And I did make her happy but I made myself miserable & and now I still miss her.

Well, that’s because you’re in love with the fantasy of who you want her to be. And you completely ignore the reality that she’s a fucking insufferable loony cunt to you. I don’t know about loony, but she’s just a cunt. The juice is not worth the squeeze, my man.

We were never in a relationship but acted as if we were in one I never asked her to be my girlfriend. 

Thanks & best regards,

Bob

Ah, you acted like you were in a relationship. She acted like she was happy to have you do things for her. Fill her belly full of food, somebody to spend time with. But other than that, you got nothing for all your time and all of your effort. You got to pay attention to the level of effort, or lack thereof, when you’re dating somebody. Otherwise, you get treated like a doormat. And then, like I said, just like this guy said here, “I made her happy, but I made myself miserable.”

And now he misses the fantasy of what he wanted. And despite the fact he completely ignores it, she didn’t act out his fantasy. You’re projecting your fantasy onto her and you’re completely ignoring reality. And as Ayn Rand said, “you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.