How To Get The Sex & Romance Back In Your Relationship

How to get the sex and romance back in your relationship when it feels like it’s over.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been cherry picking information from my videos for years, but has been lazy and still has not read 3% Man. He recently got married to his girlfriend of five years, even though their sex life has been wanting. He even suggested an open relationship, she agreed, then he tried hooking up with another woman and it blew up in his face.

Now his wife is unsure she wants to stay married and he wants to get the spark back and asks what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who has been following me for several years. He was turned on to my work from a friend of his, but he still has not read 3% Man. I say it all the time, you’ll get some attainable success, but if you don’t learn the book backwards and forwards, you’re going to have a real hard time maintaining it and make it sustainable success.

This guy has been with his girlfriend for five years, and he recently got married. Even though their sex life has kind of been wanting, it’s not at the level that he wanted it to be. Oftentimes, he feels like she’s throwing him a mercy fuck instead of actually fucking his brains out because she loves him. So they got married and he’s like, “Hey, let’s have an open relationship,” and she was like, “All right, I’m down.” Then he hits on, tries to seduce a woman, I think, who had a boyfriend or whatever. So this woman tells his wife what had happened and she got all upset. She’s like, “Well, I don’t really want an open relationship.” On top of that, she’s like, “I don’t know if I want to stay married to you at this point.” Now he’s unsure what to do. He wants to stay married, but he’s like, “How do we get the spark back?” Because the sex is just not there. Man, you’ve been following me for all these years and you still won’t read the book, you’re half-assing it, you’re lazy and you wonder why your wife doesn’t want to fuck you. That’s terrible dude.

Come on man, you got to participate in your own rescue. You’re not going to be successful long term if you just cherry pick videos. That is just half-assing it. Especially when you look at how expensive it is to get divorced, how unpleasant it is, especially if you live in a state like California. It’s a bad way to go. I mean, to go ahead and get married when things are not ideal in your relationship? That’s just dumb. That’s just stupid, but that’s your karma. You did it to yourself. Let’s see what we can do to help you re-establish the spark. You’re going to have to read 3% Man. If you’re not going to read that, you may as well call a divorce attorney and get your ducks in a row because it’s not going to last.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

I hope this message finds you well. I was referred to your work by a friend and, although I haven’t read your book, I’ve watched several of your videos over the years.

That’s not going to cut it, dude. It’s not going to work. I say it all the time. You cannot cherry pick and be successful sustainably long term and you don’t listen. If I was talking to your wife, she’d probably be like, “He never listens to me.”

I’m writing to you because I need advice on a recent issue in my relationship.

I’m a 24-year-old pilot and just got married a month ago. My wife and I have been together for over five years and, while we’ve had minimal issues, most of our problems have stemmed from intimacy. For about a year, we’ve been struggling with our sex life.

Well, why would you get married? Marriage is not going to fix a dead bedroom. Women want to be in a love story. You must always date and court your girlfriend or wife, or eventually somebody else will. If you’re not being consistently masculine and dating and courting her properly and making her feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close.

There was a video that I did with the girls probably a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about that. I actually know it’s probably been a month or two ago, because there was a video that went viral on the internet, and it was a woman, I think she was a psychologist or a therapist, if I’m not mistaken, and she was just being blunt and brutally honest. It was a video, two men saying, “Here’s why we don’t want to sleep with you. Here’s why your wives don’t want to sleep with you anymore. Here’s why your girlfriends don’t want to sleep with you anymore. It’s because we don’t feel safe.” If a man is not leading, he’s not being the rock, the mound, he’s not being the head of the household, if he’s not dating and courting his girl properly, she’s not going to feel safe having sex and the legs are going to close. That’s the problem.

This is what I do for a living, and I’ve been doing it for multiple decades now, over 20 years at this point. Guys are calling me when they got problems and they are in long term relationships, whether they’re married or they live with their girlfriend or whatever happens to be, it’s the same two problems over and over again. The guys get into a relationship, and then at some point they get lazy or they’re trying to save money, and then they don’t take the girl out anymore. They stop dating her, so the courtship ends.

Women get into it in the first place because they want to be in a love story. That’s how you got her to fall in love with you. That’s also how you keep her in love. You got to continue to date her, because if you don’t date and court your girlfriend or wife, eventually some other guy will. Depending on her character, if she has high character, she’ll leave you, be alone for a while, then start dating when she’s ready. If you’re dealing with a low character woman, she’ll start monkey-branching and lining up your replacement when you’re still together, and she’ll dick you down really bad and break up with you in the nastiest, meanest way possible.

That’s where vetting properly comes in. If you did a good job vetting, the breakup won’t be as bad. If you did a shitty job vetting, she’s going to screw you over really bad and it’s really going to sting. It’s going to be embarrassing and you’re not going to feel good about it. All I can do as a coach is suggest and gently lead, but you have to participate in your own rescue. The guy who sent this in, you’re not participating in your rescue at all. You’re half-assing it. You’re being lazy. If that’s how you’re going to continue to function your relationship, eventually your wife is going to leave you. It’s inevitable. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. It’s just the way it is.

I’m not here to blow sunshine up your ass. I’m just telling you what you’re doing. You’re fucking up big time. You didn’t follow me for years, and you still ain’t read the book yet. Then you wonder why you’re struggling in your relationship and your wife doesn’t want to fuck you. It’s because you’re not being a man in a relationship. Simple as that. She’s lost respect for you, and she’s lost attraction for you because you’re not doing the things that you need to do. Simple as that.

I feel it may be because I’m gone most of the time because of my job.

Again, here’s his rash: “Oh, it’s the job. It’s not anything I’m doing. It’s because the job and I’m not here.” That’s nonsense! Again, that’s his story. That’s his rationalization. “It’s not anything I did. It’s just my job. It’s my job’s fault because I’m gone a lot, because I’m a pilot.” Now, your wife doesn’t feel like you care because you don’t take the time to show her that you care. You probably aren’t dating and courting her very often. You guys don’t have any kids, you should at least have one date night a week when you’re like this. Obviously when you have kids, at least two, three, maybe four times a month, you want to have a date night for you and your wife with no kids, get a babysitter, handle all these things.

The other thing is, does she feel heard and understood? Are you taking time, like when you come home for your trip is like, “Hey babe, how you been? What did I miss the last few days?” And get her to open up, get her to talk. “Hey babe, how was your day?” As a man, that should be one of the first things you say when you come home from a long day at work and your girl is there. If you don’t ask, eventually she’s going to feel like, “Well, he doesn’t ask. So obviously he doesn’t care because if he did care, he would ask.”

When I’m around her, I often feel that she’s not very interested in being intimate and it feels more like a chore for her, lacking the love and connection I desire.

Because again, she doesn’t feel safe with you. Simple as that. She don’t feel safe and you’re drying her pussy up.

We have tried to address this by spicing up our sex life, including experimenting with threesomes, but those attempts were unsuccessful.

So instead of meeting each other’s needs, instead of doing the work and learning what’s in the book, you’re like, “Hey, let’s go outside the relationship and bring other sexual partners in, because that’ll really fix it.” That’s just stupid.

Fast forward to our marriage, about a week after our honeymoon, I brought up the possibility of an open marriage. Surprisingly, she agreed, although she had opposed it in the past.

If you want to have an open relationship with somebody, why are you getting married? Come on, dude!

A few days later, I took an old college friend flying, and one thing led to another. Unfortunately, this friend had a boyfriend and, after our encounter, she blocked me and told my wife everything I had shared with her, which included personal issues I should not have disclosed.

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, dude. Geez…

My wife was very upset and now claims she never truly agreed to an open marriage and only said so because she was upset. She also says she’s not sure if she can continue in our relationship.

The reason she’s going to say that is because your marriage is not getting better. It’s getting worse. Now you’re going out and trying to fuck other women openly, and it’s blowing up in your face and you’re going, “Gee Coach, I don’t know why my wife does it when I have sex with me. It’s such a mystery. I just have no idea. I could have had a V8.”

In response, she disappeared for two days with our neighbor and his son, staying in a cabin. She insists they stayed in separate rooms and nothing happened, but I’m struggling to believe her.

Hey, you said you wanted an open marriage, dude. What the fuck do you think is going to happen?

Now, I’m at a crossroads. I want to fix our relationship, but I’m afraid of returning to the lack of intimacy and connection.

“Fear and hurt imprison the heart. Speak from the heart and don’t hold anything back,” as The Ten Disciplines of Love from the book discusses.

On the other hand, I wonder if I might be happier if we separated. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her, but I’m not sure what to do.

Read the book and actually apply it, because once you start reading the book and going through it, the light bulbs start going off. If I were you, you got a date and court your wife. So what you guys should do is go away for a weekend or a couple of days to a bed and breakfast and hang out, have fun and hook up.

You got to get her to talk. You got to get her to open up. You got to get back to having fun together, because quite frankly, your marriage doesn’t sound like it’s a lot of fun. You probably come home for your long trip and you’re like, “I want to bust a nut. Hey babe, spread the legs, let me bust a nut,” and she just feels that you’re using her for sex, you don’t really care about her, so she doesn’t feel safe. She doesn’t feel that you’re there. On top of that, you just got married and you’re already trying to fuck other women? It’s like, what the hell are you thinking? Your head is so far up your fucking ass, it’s just sad. That’s just sad and pathetic.

You’ve been following for years. You still ain’t read the book yet, and you’re just going, “I don’t know why my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me. It’s a mystery.” Come on, man. Should have had my mug here. Teespring.com, if you guys want to get some of my mugs. “Come on, man!” That should have been the one I should have had here.

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and advice on this situation.

Thank You,

Bob

Again, what caused her to fall in love and want to be with you is what you do to keep her. The courtship never ends. Women want to be in a love story. You always have to date and court her. That’s what you need to get back to doing. Go and have some fun together and make sure she does most of the talking and have her talk about whatever she’s thinking, whatever she’s feeling. Tell her, “I don’t want to separate. I don’t want to split up. I want to stay together. I’m willing to do what it takes to make our relationship work. What would it take to make you happy? What would it take? What would we need to change in our marriage in order for you to feel like, ‘Man, I really got an amazing husband. I’m really glad that I picked the guy that I picked.'” Ask her to tell you what does that look like.

You’re going to have to start dating and courting her and spend a lot of time just getting her to talk and get her to open up. You’re obviously going to have to do some apologizing like, “I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry if what I did and said hurt your feelings. It was not my intent. I’ve been kind of selfish.” The way you’ve reacted is basically, “Oh, if you’re not going to give it up willingly, I’ll just go get it somewhere else.” You’re willing to go and court other women to have sex with them, but you’re not willing to court your own wife, so she willingly tears your clothes off and fucks your brains out.

This is a completely avoidable situation. The couple that plays together, stays together, and it really doesn’t sound like you guys are having a lot of fun together. It sounds like you’re butt-hurt and mad that she’s not excited about having sex with you, and you blame your job and then that’s the excuse, you don’t have to read the book. “Hey, it’s not the book‘s fault. It’s the job’s fault. It’s not my fault for not dating my wife properly. It’s the job.” So if it’s the job, then there’s, “Well, I need to earn a living. I’m a pilot. Nothing to fix if it’s not your fault, right?” That’s how we absolve ourselves from any personal responsibility for fixing our situation. You did this. You’re the head of the household. Are you satisfied with the standard that you’re setting for your family? Would you want to have kids or raise children in an environment like this? What do you think will happen raising kids where dad’s trying to fuck other women? What the fuck, dude?

This is one of the most pathetic emails I’ve seen in a while. You need to pull your head out of your ass, apologize to your wife, start dating and courting her properly, make her feel heard and understood and commit to her. Stop trying to fuck other women. Make it so your wife loves being around you again. You make her laugh, you make her feel safe, you make her feel comfortable and you have a good time together. Again, the family that plays together, stays together.

Love is playful and fun. This shit that you got going on, doesn’t sound fun for either one of you at all. That’s your fault because you’re the one with the penis. You’re supposed to be the guy that’s leading. Despite everything that was going on, you still married her, so you need to put in the effort. You need to read the book. You need to stop half-assing it because otherwise it’s like your marriage is going to end. I mean, it looks like she got back at you by hanging out with some other dude and his son, and you don’t really know if she cheated or not. The only way you’ll find out if she actually slept with that guy or had sex with him, is if she falls back in love with you, head over heels in love with you, because then she’ll feel guilty, she’ll have a breakdown, start crying and then she’ll tell you what really happened between the two, if there was anything going on. Trying to badger her, it’s just best not to talk about it.

It’s best to get back to hanging out, having fun while you’re hanging out and then hooking up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced. If things aren’t good between the two of you, you don’t just come home, grab her by her boobs, pull her pants down and beat up her pelvis. You can do that when things are great in your relationship, and she’s happy to get it on and have a quickie in the kitchen or the bedroom or whatever happens to be. When your wife is shut down to you like this, you got to go through the process, hang out, have fun and hook up. The hookup always comes at the end. It’s a process.

If you ever saw the old Ford Model T engines, they didn’t have auto start. They had a crank. You had to get out front, you had to crank it to get the engine started. Women are like that. You got to get out there and you got to crank. You got to crank it for a while and then it starts up and starts running.

There’s a process. Take your wife through the process, just like you did in the beginning of your relationship so she falls back in love. Just like the process that you started with this other woman that you took out flying, and he said, “One thing led to another,” I don’t know, does that mean that you hooked up with this pilot or this other woman? Because whatever happened, she obviously told your wife everything, so why wouldn’t she go out and fuck somebody else? If you’re doing it, you said you wanted an open marriage, and then she goes and potentially hooks up with somebody else? You shouldn’t be shocked. It’s absurd, dude.

Pull your head out of your ass, participate in your own rescue and take your life and your success seriously, because ain’t nobody going to fix this except you. Nobody’s coming to save you. You must do that yourself.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.