How to get women you are dating to trust and submit to you when they are hesitant or holding back.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is dating a girl he really likes who has a son from a previous relationship. Recently she had to cancel a date but rescheduled immediately. He is concerned that she is holding back and not trusting him and being fully in her feminine energy. It’s clear he’s frustrated that she is more of a priority to him than he is to her. Without realizing it, he is trying to force her to like him quicker than she is emotionally ready for.
It’s the difference between using the power of attraction, versus trying to force the chaos of feminine energy and mother nature to bend to your wishes. I point out what his mindset change needs to be that will lead to her chasing him and trying to convince him to spend more time with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular email, this guy is dating a girl that he really likes and she’s got a son from a previous relationship. So he said recently she had to cancel a date but immediately brought up, “Hey, let’s reschedule,” and she rescheduled it, but he said he’s concerned that she’s holding back and not trusting him fully and to he notices that she’s not totally in her feminine energy.
So he’s frustrated because you can tell he’s bothered by the fact that. She’s more of a priority to him than he is to her. So he’s got an issue of attraction because he cares too much. If you’re the prize, if you’re the catch, if you’re the guy that is the 1 in 1,000,000 dude that’s doing well and he’s successful, he’s fit, he’s in shape, lots of girls want to date him. He’s got lots of choices and lots of options. So he’s not going to be in a rush to settle down or become exclusive with anybody. He’s going to kind of resist it.
The reality is not every guy is going to want to co-parent somebody else’s kids. Lots of guys do. If the average guy, if he’s not good with children or he doesn’t like kids, then he shouldn’t. Yeah, he should not date women that have children because there’s nothing worse than seeing a guy who’s really weird and really awkward around kids. Women take notice of that. Kids will tell you a lot about adults and if somebody brings their children around certain people and the kids like, “Stay away from him,” then that tells you something.
If somebody brings their kids around, the kids are climbing all over them like jungle gyms and having a good time, then that that tells tells you something as well that the kid’s trust. Kids know they can sense danger and they could sense what somebody’s good and they can sense when something’s off with somebody. I’ve dated plenty of women that have had children over the course of my life, and what’s interesting is one of the first things that always comes up in conversation when you first meet them, the very first night is like, “Oh, I have a son,” or “I have a daughter. I’ve got three kids from a marriage,” or “I’m a widower and I have two kids,” or whatever it happens to be. They know a lot of guys, as soon as they hear that, they’re not going to be interested, and that’s fine.
If you’re going to date somebody and they have kids, you should only date them if you like children, because if you don’t like children, then you’re wasting her time and yours. So the fact that he’s worried about that she’s not ultra feminine, that tells me that she’s not trusting his masculine core. She doesn’t trust him completely in order to submit to him and follow his lead. So he’s focused on things that he really shouldn’t be focused on, mindset wise.
I can tell he’s a little too concerned about her. The idea is this is subtle, but you’re trying to go slightly slower than the woman is, so it becomes her idea. This guy seems bothered and perturbed that she’s not available or the kid gets in the way, kind of. It’s kind of like the vibe or the mindset that I get from them. You got to understand that it is going to be her number one priority until you become super serious and you’re living together, you’re married or you’re a serious couple and you’re co-parenting together. You can’t expect a woman just to blow her kid off because you want a booty call or whatever.
So it’s much better if it’s her idea. It’s much better if she thinks that she likes you more than you like her. This guy’s obviously communicating he’s way more into her than she is into him. When women feel that, when they sense that they pull away and they become unsure of themselves and they become less interested in guys that are not completely centered and not comfortable within themselves, they get butt-hurt and they take it as a rejection and they start looking for something to fix. That usually comes up and them trying to find out where they stand constantly. They call too much, they text too much, they get upset that they don’t spend enough time with her or when they are spending time with her, they want to spend more time with her and the right way, because love is allowing.
You want to allow women to come into your life or to leave, to come closer, to go away. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” In this case, I can tell that the woman doesn’t feel completely free. He smothers her a little bit, he’s pushing a little too much, and he needs to back off enough and find the sweet spot. If he does things right, if he does what’s in the book, then the girl is going to be chasing him all the time. Girls are chasing you. You don’t have to worry about getting dumped. That’s what’s beautiful when you apply the things that I teach. You can read women like a book and they make it easy for you.
I want to give you general thanks in my journey. I’ve been divorced several years and I’ve had some long-distance relationships amongst other dating.
I noted some general weaknesses in masculinity in the failure on my past marriage, but also saw some of the things I did absolutely right in a woman walking away.
I took my time to processes and see that time as it was. I’m currently casual dating a girl that I like.
Well, obviously because you wrote her and wrote about her.
She has been sweet and made things easy. I’ve noted from your work her attraction level is high.
Well, it’s always better to underrate her interest and when your emotions get involved, y’all we all do it. We delude ourselves and we think things are better than they are. We start fudging things.
That’s why it really helps to have read the book 10 to 15 times. When you’re in the middle of a situation like this, because that helps you stay on point, if you don’t know the material well enough, you’re going to be slipping up here, slipping up there a little bit here, a little bit there, and it just gets in the way of her falling completely head over heels in love with you and submitting to you. If you do the things that are in my book and you do it right, women are going to be stuck on you like white on rice. They’re not going to leave your side.
What happens is as you start to date, it gets to the point where you go out one day a week, then two days a week, three days a week, four days a week. Then pretty much she’s at your house every night or you’re at hers, or she’s mostly at your house. You’re waking up together, you’re spending the weekends together, you’re traveling together. Then next thing you know, your kitchen is her kitchen, your bathroom countertop is completely taken over with all of her stuff. That’s what happens. If she’s got kids and the kids are over, the kid’s got toys at your house, kid’s got stuff, and one of the spare bedrooms, it becomes like a family.
Women are nesters when they love you, they trust you and they’re chasing you. Eventually they’ll make all this stuff happen. You don’t have to push it. In this case, this guy is. He cares too much. Instead of letting her come to him, letting her choose him, he’s supposed to be the prize. He’s supposed to be the guy, just like I’ve often mentioned the Jimmy Stewart movie from the 40s, It’s A Wonderful Life. The last thing he wants is to settle down, get married and have a family. Donna Reed, who’s absolutely stunning, she got other plans. She’s got the whole life picked out. She got the house picked out. She wants her babies to look like him. She even tells him that in the movie, and eventually he can’t help but say yes. She wears him down and they live happily ever after. It’s A Wonderful Life is the movie.
Movie says he acts masculine mostly. There’s a few parts where he’s a little squishy in the movie, but overall he’s a man’s man. He handles shit and he’s the guy that all the hot eligible female bachelors in town or bachelorettes want to date and always are trying to get his attention, including the one he ultimately marries.
If you’re doing things right, that is your experience. It’s the women that hear about you, that seek you out, that come find you. Especially when other women know that you’re sleeping with other women or hot women. It makes you more attractive to all women in general, and they’ll work harder for you.
She has a young son and had to slip up on a date we recently made but worked out rescheduling with her attempt immediately.
When somebody doesn’t want to see you, I did a video about this just recently in the last few days, but if a woman’s canceling a date but she’s bringing up reschedule, “I’m so sorry. I’m going to make it up to you. Let’s get together Friday,” or in this case, it seems like on the same phone call or text exchange, she worked out the reschedule. So that shows that she really wants to see him. If she didn’t want to see him, she would just say, “Hey sorry, I’m not going to be able to make it,” and her response is real flat and short and she doesn’t really care, “Don’t hate me. Sorry.”
Her attraction is high. 7-8 area.
Occasionally, it’s always better to underrate it because then you get cocky and then you let things slide that you shouldn’t, or you see little red flags and you ignore them because you really want to see her. So you see her too much, you call her too much, you text her too much.
What happens is that you notice that you’re writing paragraphs and she’s sending short sentences back and the replies are getting longer. It’s like, you got to pay attention to stuff like that. It’s like show business. You always leave them wanting a little bit more. It’s always better if she thinks she likes you more than you like her. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. That’s just the way they are. I didn’t make them that way. If you don’t like it, talk to the big man upstairs.
She texts with definitely looking forward to curling up on the couch and missing half a movie type stuff.
I’ve noticed she has general reserves in letting her feminine out.
That tells me she doesn’t feel completely safe and comfortable with you, and that’s because she can tell you’re a little perturbed that things aren’t moving as fast as you want them to.
Like I said, when you do things right as they’re in the book, it’s going to get to the point where she’s all over you and you’re the one that’s going to be wanting space. You’re the one that’s going to want to go have some beers with your guy friends, or go see your mom or whatever, because she’s always there. So when she can’t meet you or she’s got other things to do, instead of getting mad or butt-hurt or taking it as a rejection, be excited about it. Be excited that you get the time alone, because it’s better to be alone than in bad company, and you’ve got to be able to enjoy your own time first.
If you can’t be alone without thinking of her or obsessing over her and you just can’t be in a room by yourself or a house by yourself or your apartment by yourself, you need to get to a place where you really enjoy your own company and you really have a blast hanging out by yourself. The more you enjoy your time alone, the less you’ll be bothered when the people that you want to spend time with either can’t or don’t want to spend time with you, you’ll be actually glad that you get the opportunity to have some free time, some alone time.
The bubbly happy OMG I’m wanting to have time with you. She hints enough to know it’s there. I just want to help her know it’s OK.
You don’t have to do anything. When she feels it, she’ll do it, and obviously she ain’t feeling it. You’re trying like, “What can I do to make her feel it?” You got to let her come to you at her pace.
General advice on encouraging it in a woman who maybe has some fear of letting go.
Well, you’re assuming that the reason she’s not doing it is she has a fear of letting it go. Human beings do things based on emotions. If she’s not doing it, it’s because she’s not feeling it. That’s a fact. So you got to give her the time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you.
Pay attention to your text exchanges, pay attention to how quickly you respond to her versus how quickly she responds to you. Ideally, she should always have the longer text and yours should be a little shorter. It’s just better that way. When you notice that you’re sending paragraphs and she’s sending two or three words back, you’ll notice that it’s just hard to get her to want to spend time with you because she’s not feeling it.
Scarcity creates value. You’re too abundant in her life and you care too much. You shouldn’t be bothered when the woman you’re dating is busy, got to do something with her kid or whatever. You should be glad you get the time alone and go do something else. Get a life, bro.
The feminine is in her, but she may have had some past rejection there in letting go. At this time, I’m unsure.
It’s probably because you don’t know the book that well, and if you’re unsure of her interest, tells me you’re a little too focused on her interest. You’re overrating her interest in you. You just need to back off and let her come to you.
I like her and I want to see her blossom. I love real feminine energy. She holds a bit of a tomboy type mindset. She is 34 and I’m 44. Sex is not my focus, but her blossoming into being feminine is.
Well, I don’t know if that means you’re not even having sex with her. In that case, it’s a whole other ball game. Maybe you’re ultra religious, no sex till marriage, I don’t know, but typically, if you’re hanging out with a girl that much and you’re not trying to sleep with her or seduce her, you’re kind of becoming her gay male girlfriend or her therapist. Then once she puts junior to bed at night, Chad Thunder Cock is coming over, rearranging her insides, and then you get to be her emotional tampon and take her out on on dates and stuff and hug her goodbye. I mean, guys do that too.
That last line there, that looks like you’re not even trying to seduce. Or maybe it’s a religious thing, I don’t know, but the fact that, “Sex is not my focus, but her blossoming into being feminine is,” tells me you’re probably not having any sex with her. Like I said, it sounds like you’re just a friend.
So if I were in that case, the purpose of it and again, just assuming that you’re not ultra religious or whatever, if you’re a normal Western guy, most women are going to sleep with the dude by the second or the third date. That’s a fact of life.
If you date a normal woman and she could tell you like her, but you’re very prudish, you don’t try to kiss her or do anything, eventually she’s going to either think you’re gay or you don’t have the confidence and she’s just going to friend-zone you. Then when you want to take things to the next level, get serious or try to seduce her, she’s going to reject you and go, “Oh, he was a friend,” then you find out she’s dating somebody else, or she’s sleeping with Chad Thunder Cock. You don’t want that to be you. You don’t want to be that guy that hears that.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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