How To Go From Being Her Romantic Rebound To Her Next Relationship

How to become her next relationship instead of just being a romantic rebound.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s new to my work after becoming a romantic rebound with a girl he’d known for several years. She recently broke up with her boyfriend of 16 years. He had too much to drink and admits he acted a little dopey. She pulled back, broke things off and admitted she wasn’t over her ex.

He wonders if she will come back. They dated for about a month. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who’s new to my work after becoming a romantic rebound with a girl that he had known for several years. She recently broke up with her boyfriend, who she’d been together with for 16 years. So they were hanging out, having fun, and hooking up for about a month. Then I guess about three-and-a-half, four weeks into it, he had a little too much to drink one night, admits he acted a little dopey, got all up in his feelings, and talked about how much he liked her. Immediately after that, he noticed a complete attitude change. She pulled back, she broke things off, saying she was still hooked on her ex, admitted she wasn’t over it. Now he’s wondering if she’ll come back because they dated for about a month.

This is important because I talk about this in 3% Man. If you’re going to date somebody that’s in the middle or fresh out of a divorce, fresh out of a breakup, you got to expect hot and cold behavior. The one thing that is absolutely critical is you do not over-pursue. You let her come to you at her pace. If you start talking about your feelings, your emotions, and getting into a relationship or being in a relationship and it’s only a few weeks, especially in this case, she was with this guy for 16 years, it usually takes most people at least a year-and-a-half to get over something like this. So she was literally weeks out of a relationship when they got involved. When you take into account that 75% of the time women are doing the dumping, more than likely she dumped him and he’s not happy about it. He still wants another chance. She was with him a long time, probably since she was 19, 20 years old. So there’s a lot of emotional investment there. She’s emotionally anchored to this guy and this dude has no time. He was just kind of a rebound.

So the best thing you can do, because if he’s still in the picture and you’re in the picture, she’s going to pull back and see whoever the most masculine and stoic one is. If you start getting dopey and all up in your feelings, thinking that telling her how much you like her is going to have an effect on her interest in you, you’re going to find out, just like this guy did, it’s going to actually drive her back into the arms of the ex, and she’ll probably give the ex another chance. It could be a matter of months, it could be a matter of years before she finally breaks up with the guy for good. So you have to let women like this come to you at their pace and you got to be a good poker player. Again, as soon as you get all up in your feelings like this guy did, just like that, it can change because she doesn’t want any drama. She doesn’t want any pressure. She wants no strings attached.

At the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. Especially in a rebound situation like this, your game has got to be tight. You got to be going slower or slightly slower than she is in the romance.

Viewer Email:

Hi, Coach

I am new to your work and am on my fourth read of your book after the following happened (I will try to keep this short, but there is a lot of nuance to it).

I was recently dumped via text by a girl that I’d know for several years that I was dating for about four weeks. I was a rebound after a 16-year long relationship with her ex (Not married to or had kids with), which she was in the process of getting over and selling a house they mutually owned.

So they’re still trying to sell a piece of real estate in a shitty market. So there’s going to be a lot of interactions and a lot of contact between her and the ex, especially if he’s wanting her back. So that’s a tough situation there. That’s why in this case, I’d be letting her do all the reaching out and you just simply make dates. As soon as you start pursuing a woman like this, she’s going to back away and dip on you.

She is 35 and I am 39. 

Things got hot and heavy very quickly. She was initiating 100% of the dates after reaching out to me randomly on Instagram very early this year.

So she started out doing 100% of the pursuing, and probably at some point when he got hooked, he started pursuing her. It went from being totally her idea and him being a challenge that she was trying to win over, to him trying to win her over. As soon as that happened, she lost interest. The kitty cat got bored and looks like she probably went back to the ex. I mean, she pretty much said as much.

She was coming over to my house 3-4 nights a week for about four weeks. The sex was incredible and the chemistry I felt was very high. She was very sweet to me and would always compliment me and say how much she liked me and spending time with me, that I was handsome, etc. I was on the take it or leave it side until about week three…

So he was stoic. He was masculine. She was chasing him. He was a challenge. As soon as he got up in his feelings, he started reciprocating and pursuing her, and then poof!

…When one night we both got drunk and exhibited a little bit of dopey behavior. I told her that I liked her and I liked spending time with her while we were in bed one night after sex. Other than that, I was relatively stoic and indifferent though this time period. Just hanging out, having fun and hooking up, mirroring her pace and energy.

I mean, basically you revealed to her that you were getting hooked. At the end of the day, dude, from a leverage perspective, you’re so far upside down in this situation just because 16 years between her and the ex. Plus, they got a piece of real estate together, so there’s not a lot that you can do about that.

The next day, we parted ways and she gave me a kiss. I didn’t hear from her the day after that so I texted her…

I wouldn’t have texted her at all. That was kind of where you screwed up. She’d been doing all the pursuing, and then you stopped pursuing.

…And the next day she sends me a text saying, “We moved too fast. I’m still attached to my ex. You’re a really fucking sweet guy,” and I responded with, “I totally get it. Life is complicated.” I kept it short and did not ask why or get butt-hurt. I failed to say, “Get in touch with me if you change your mind…”

Well, you don’t need to do that. Doesn’t matter at this point.

…But I don’t think it was really a total fuck-up not mentioning it. I was calm, casual and understanding. 

At the end of the day, she basically said, “Hey, I’m going to give my ex another chance.” That’s what she’s basically saying. “We moved too fast.” What happened was as soon as you start talking about your feelings, she realized that you’re going to get hooked and hung up on her, and she didn’t want that to happen. If you hadn’t have said that, you probably would have kept hooking up. At the end of the day, as soon as she decides to give the ex another chance, especially when she says, “I’m still attached to my ex,” it’s pretty obvious what happened. She went back to him and quite frankly, there is more than a 50%, 60% chance she was going to go back to this guy anyways. I mean, 16 years, that’s a long time. That’s half her life basically, that she spent with this dude. Well, almost half her life. A big portion of it, like 40% of it. That’s still a lot. So all you can do is what you’ve done, which is nothing. You just got to let it be.

The other thing you got to pay attention to is she’s saying these things to you, how much she liked you, was she talking about the future and those things, this is why it’s important to pay attention to the effort and the things that they’re saying to you. When a guy just focuses on how much he likes her and doesn’t pay attention to the fact she’s not doing and saying the same things, that’s where you kind of get in the danger zone. At the end of the day, you don’t get any credit for how much you like a girl. As a matter of fact, when the girl thinks you like her more than she likes you, you’re going to get a pullback, and that’s basically what happened. I mean it was kind of like on the edge anyways.

So again, you got to let a woman do the pursuing when she’s in the rebound like this, because it doesn’t take much for boom! It just flips like that and her go back the other way.

I didn’t text her again…

I wouldn’t have done that. Again, where you’re starting to go really sideways is, she basically said she’s not over her ex, and now you’re re-engaging pursuit again, because when you get rejected like this, you’re already hung up and you’re hooked and you’re thinking, “Well, I gotta be nice about her birthday,” but the girl blew you off. So I wouldn’t have texted her for her birthday. I would have done nothing because she blew you off to go hook up with the ex again.

…Until about 10 days later and wished her a happy birthday and told her to let me know the next time she was free to hang out. I didn’t get a response until the next day with some very vague thank you and her being busy kind of BS and I didn’t respond.

If you’re one of those guys that can’t control yourself and you tend to do diarrhea of the mouth, it’s a bad way to go, because anything you share with your mutual friends is going to get back to her. So you got to stop this. It’s not helpful to your situation. Just the fact you wish you’re a happy birthday and she waits full 24 hours to reach back out, that just shows she doesn’t care. So you’re thinking, “Oh, I got to be nice. It’s her birthday,” and despite the month together, she waits a full day to respond to you.

I did run into her friend out of pure chance while drinking and asked her what was going on with her and that I thought we had great chemistry, etc. Her friend told me she said the sex was amazing and that she did not know what was really going on with her. Probably covering her ass and honestly I probably shouldn’t have said much of anything to her.

Yep. Operational security. “If tribe not to know, keep mouth shut,” as the old Indian proverb goes.

I trust her friend (mostly) because her and her husband have always liked me/been friends with me for a number of years. The girl I was dating even told me that they were really happy to hear that she was with a great guy like me about two weeks into us hanging out. 

Since then, I did not hear from her and did not reach out to her. I noticed she was always watching my Instagram stories, but I muted her as to not be tempted to watch hers. She eventually responded to one of my Instagram stories the other day. At that point I gave her a smart ass/funny remark about her response, followed with a, “Nice to hear from you. I’d love to see you. When is the next time you’re free to get together?” She responds with, “Life is even crazier than it was last we spoke. She’s busy moving and selling this house, etc.”

At the end of the day, what she’s really saying is, “Hey, I’m fucking my ex-boyfriend again.” That’s what’s going on,

And I told her, “Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate and I wish you peace of mind. Get in touch with me when you get it sorted out and have a free night.” She responded with, “Yeah, moving is super annoying. I will!” That was it, and that’s where I intend to leave it.

Yeah, even if she if she comments on your Instagram posts or on your story, she’s not really addressing you directly, she’s like, “Great picture. Looks like you’re having fun!” I would just heart those kind of messages. I wouldn’t respond to them. If she really wants to see you, she’s going to text you, call you, FaceTime you, or send you a DM on social media. Unless that happens, no calling, no texting. No-contact means no-contact. You made the mistake at the end of continuing to reach out after she blew you off, and you ignored the fact you’re reaching out to her on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday and she doesn’t even respond for a full day. So that just shows she don’t give a fuck. She’s with the ex again. What you should be doing is moving on and dating other girls.

I am pretty torn up because it turns out that I really started liking this girl.

We know. We’ve all been there.

I am going to give her space and never contact her again for any reason unless she reaches out to me first. I am starting to feel better after about the third week post being dumped and plan on writing a thesis paper about your book for my own benefit. I want to start planning dates with some new girls ASAP. 

That would be the best thing.

My question is, do you think she’ll come back or reach out based on my behavior?

Well, it’s not so much your behavior that was so egregious, again, I wouldn’t have kept pursuing, which was a mistake on your part, but at the end of the day, you got an ex who she was with for 16 years, and she owns a house that she supposedly is trying to sell in a market that it’s like the worst real estate market on record. I’m assuming that you’re in the States. Maybe he’s in Europe, but I think there real estate market is not much better.

Did I do OK, or is this fucked up beyond all repair? I was never needy or begged, only the momentary lapse of judgement on being dopey once and speaking with her friend about it.

Well, also the multiple calls and texts where she just kind of blew you off.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond to this.

Bob

So at this point, I wouldn’t do anything. If she ever reaches out and is saying something other than just commenting on your social media, if she addresses you directly, then I would invite her over to make dinner. Again, if she gives you the, “Oh, I’m work’s crazy, this or that,” then just say “Hey, no problem. Reach out when you figure out your schedule.” Then at that point, just because you’ve already asked her multiple times, I wouldn’t bring up getting together unless she brings it up first. If she breaks up with the boyfriend again, you’ll probably be the first phone call or text that she makes, and then you’ll just pick right back up where you left off.

Even then, even if she does come back, I’d let her do 100% of the reaching out. Then you just make dates. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If she comes over three dates in a row and you hang out, have fun, and hook up to make dinner at your place all three times, then you can meet her, pick her up and take her out on dates. She’s got to do all the contact initiation, because as you saw, you really didn’t have to move forward too much to where she bounced on you. Then again, it was kind of a foregone conclusion she was going to give this guy another chance because they got the real estate. Again, in this market, they’re going to have a hard time selling it unless they’re willing to take a significant loss. More than likely, I mean, in the state of Florida alone, property values dropped 5% last year.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.