How To Gradually Back Off After Over Pursuing

How to gradually back off after over pursuing to re-attract her, so she pursues you instead.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has read my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” four times. He made the mistake of over-pursuing during the lockdown by talking on the phone too much and causing a woman he just started dating to lose interest. He said they also started running out of topics to talk about on the phone. He asks how he should gradually back off from calling her every day, so she doesn’t feel like he is ignoring her.

It’s a great email to discuss the mindset my book teaches, so you naturally keep women attracted instead of trying to game out every move you make with them and acting like a robot. I also discuss a customer review for the audiobook from a guy who read it the recommended ten to fifteen times. He shares the epiphanies and paradigm shifts it has made in his life to explain why reading it ten to fifteen times is essential to get the best results. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

This particular topic is probably one of the biggest topics I think. Most guys, how they find out about my work is, they hear from their girlfriend “I need space,” “there’s no spark anymore,” “there’s something missing,” “the chemistry’s not there,” “I don’t feel the same way as I used to,” “I need time.” Those are the kinds of things you hear when you’ve been calling too much, texting too much and pursuing too much. Not because you miss her, you care about her and you want to see her, but because you’re fearful you’re going to lose her, you’re fearful you’re not worthy, and you’re trying to find out where you stand, if she still likes you.

Most guys start to recognize that a woman’s attraction for them kind of goes up and down, oftentimes without any rhyme or reason that makes sense to them. I’ve got a great email here where a guy did this. He had just met her right before all the lockdowns started. Then, he made the mistake of talking and texting too much, to the point where she really started losing interest.

This is tricky for a guy that’s never actually done the opposite of what he feels compelled to do. He feels he has to do something, because as men, masculine energy is about drive, purpose, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers and achieving goals. And so naturally, as men we are looking for something “to do” to make her like us more. The problem is, we do too much.

You’ll see as I go through this guy’s email, the problem is he’s sitting around with nothing to do. That’s why I make such a big emphasis in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man” about focusing on your mission and purpose in life. If you don’t have a mission and purpose that’s lighting you up and putting fire in your belly, women are going to sense that. They’re going to sense a guy that doesn’t have direction, doesn’t know what he wants, doesn’t go for the things that he’s passionate about. And if you’re struggling in that area, I wrote my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” to help you align your life with your true calling.

The first book is essential, especially if you’re struggling in your personal life. You can read it at UnderstandingRelationships.com for free by subscribing to the email newsletter.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

First of all, thank you so much for the book and all the videos on your channel. I’ve read the book 4 times, and I’m on my way to read it once again. I’ve been following all the techniques,

Well, that’s part of your problem. You might get some short-term attainable success, but it’s not going to be long-term sustainable.

but I fucked up due to lockdown. I met this girl online and we started hitting off well. We met once before the lockdown started and had a great time, but due to lockdown, we started talking a lot on phone, almost an hour or two every day. 

That’s definitely part of your problem, because think about it. If you’re forced to work from home, you should be working. If you’re furloughed and you’re not able to work, what should you be doing? Sitting around with your thumb up your butt and wasting time? No, you should be utilizing it to grow your reserve of knowledge and work on developing your skills, your gifts and your talents.

You want to be utilizing this time to become a better man, not some guy that’s trying to distract himself with fucking video games, wasting his time on the internet, or watching Netflix all the time. If you’re watching movies, ideally you want to be watching documentaries, educational, where you can learn from some of the most successful people in the past as well as the present, so you can grow your reserve of knowledge and become a better man.

Does this guy sound like he’s doing that? He sounds like, “Oh hey, I don’t have to work. Let me just fuck around and waste my time.” Guys that don’t have a mission and purpose, when they’ve got spare time, they’re wasting it. Instead of watching TV and wasting time, I’d be reading a book, maybe a biography on somebody who is very successful, to glean what you can from their mindset, the way they approach problems and how they solve things. That’s what successful men do.

Not that you don’t want to enjoy your life, but if you’re on lockdown and stuck in your house, if you’re just looking for ways to distract yourself instead of ways to better yourself, your priorities are fucked up. You’re not going to reach your full potential when you’ve got all this time on your hands and you just piss it away and waste it.

It almost killed the mystery element, and we ran out of topics. Then it hit me that I fucked up here. 

Yeah, you’ve been out on one date, and you spent all this time getting to know each other digitally. There’s no mystery. You probably started getting attached to this girl thinking about all the great things you’re going to do together once the quarantine is over. And instead, you’re talking this girl out of liking you.

There’s no mystery, you’re not busy… “I’m just sitting at home. We’re all quarantined,” instead of, “I’m reading a book,” or “I’m participating in a webinar,” or “I’m taking classes online,” or “I’m studying.” You’ve got to be busy trying to build a better life for yourself. That’s a big part of the problem.

You’ve got time on your hands, and what do you do? Do you spend it productively, or are you just wasting it? The goal is, you want to be productive, because being productive is what moves you forward, closer to your goals.

My question is, how do you back off from calling every day to once a week gradually and not come off as ignoring her? Because I really like the girl, and that’s the reason I want to get the relationship balance back again, but do not want to come off as a jerk for completely shutting her down suddenly. 

Again, thank you for the invaluable knowledge. God bless you!

Bob 

Dude, you don’t have a relationship with this girl. You went out on one date. And you spent all this time getting to know this girl, and she’s already bored. Your only real goal is to set a second date at this point. Obviously, you recognize that you weren’t following the fundamentals in the book, because as you mentioned in the beginning of your email, you’re trying to “technique” this girl into liking you.

If you find yourself in this situation, where you’re calling and texting every day, she’s getting bored and you’re running out of things to talk about, what does a woman typically do when she gets bored or too familiar? She doesn’t call you. She doesn’t text you. Most guys take that shit personally. They think, “Oh, there’s something wrong with me. Let me fix it,” instead of just saying, “Hey, I’ve got some time. I’ve got some peace. Now I can read a book, I can study, I can work on some things that are important to me, that will help me become a better, more successful, more attractive man.” That’s what you should be doing.

You also want to match and mirror what she’s doing. Usually in this situation, guys are doing most of the pursuing, so if you’re reaching out seven or eight times for every two times that she reaches out, then I would dramatically cut that back to matching and mirroring what she’s doing. And you may find that a day or two goes by, maybe even three or four, and you haven’t heard from her. That’s just indicative of that fact that her attraction has dropped that low to the point where it takes three or four days to build back up to where she misses you. Then she wants to reach out to see what you’re doing.

As the book teaches, it’s a process. The guy just starts out asking the girl out once a week, and as they get familiar, they start dating more, they start hooking up, usually after the third week or so, she starts calling and texting him every couple of days. That leads to a simple conversation, and you use that as an opportunity to make the next date.

Like the video I did talking about what to do when you’re quarantined or you’re distanced, you’re going to do a video date. So it would have been much more effective, instead of chit-chatting 24/7 on the phone to actually plan a date in front of your video camera, preferably using your laptop or your desktop computer. You can eat, you can have drinks together, it can almost be like a date. It’s something planned, it’s something you look forward to.

Because when you’re available 24/7, you turn into her gay male girlfriend and her therapist. You’re her emotional tampon at that point. Meanwhile, any of the other guys that she met before the quarantine or met on a dating app are not texting her and calling her all the time like you are. And she’s wondering, “Why isn’t this guy calling me?”

She knows where she stands with you, because you’re just blowing up her phone. But she’s going to be more curious about the other guys that aren’t so eager. “Are they dating other girls? Does he not like me?” These are the things that go through a woman’s mind and pushes her buttons emotionally, so she reaches out to you to try to find out where she stands. But if you never give them the time and the space, they’re just not going to get to that point.

So again, match and mirror what she’s doing. Initially, I would just match. I would wait to hear from her, and then if you’re calling and texting every day, and you just stop, you recognize that maybe you’re doing almost 100% of the pursuing. Once you get past 50%, it’s just a matter of time before you get friendzoned if you keep that up. And that’s what you’re seeing here.

You’re starting to lose this girl, you can feel it, you don’t know what to do, and you think you need to do more. When in reality, you need to just let her be, wait to hear from her, and then do a video date if you’re still under lockdown and you can’t actually get together.

I know it’s going to be hard. A guy is not going to instantly go from calling or texting two or three times a day to all of a sudden not calling or texting her, because that’s just going to freak them out. Most guys won’t be able to handle that. So just wait to hear from her next. And then after you hang up, give it two or three days without hearing from her, and then reach out, “Hey babe. Hope you’re having a great day. I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.” Then leave it at that and see what she does with it.

But you want to get to the point where you at least match and mirror where she’s at right now. Slowly back off and see what happens. At some point she’s going to notice that you’re not as enthusiastic, and then she’s going to start to doubt herself. She’ll be like, “Hey I haven’t heard from you much. Have you been missing me? Maybe we should get together.” Then get to a physical date as soon as possible.

See how long she’ll hold out, because if you’re the one initiating every day, and then all of a sudden you don’t initiate any contact until you hear from her again, don’t be surprised if five days go by. The more her attraction has dropped, the longer it’s going to be before you hear from her. If you are able to hold out, and she does reach out to you, you’re going to notice that she’s going to be a lot more excited to talk to you.

The hardest thing for guys in this position is doing nothing. That’s going to be shocking to them, because the ego’s going to reject that. The ego is going to go, “No, she really likes me. We really have something.” And yet, you still haven’t heard from her for days. So what’s going on is that you’re projecting your fantasy onto her, and you’re ignoring the fact that she just wasn’t into it.

Review from Audible:

This isn’t a textbook, it’s a mindset:

I found Corey on YouTube like many others do. It’s surprisingly difficult to find content on the internet that delves into how a woman feels emotionally rather than thinks logically. Sadly, so many writers parrot the typical “woo her!” “be a good boy!” way of thinking.

In other words, “You’ve got to chase women. You’ve got to be a stalker, and you’ve got to chase them down and convince them that you like them. That doesn’t work too well in the #metoo era. You’re going to turn into a stalker acting like that, even though the movies still show that bullshit.

These are simple solutions that 1) make men feel good quickly without having to tackle deep emotional responses, and 2) misinterpret PC culture as being submissive to society, rather than presenting an idea in a respectful manner.

Corey, like a good coach, will drill you. The book reflects mostly on his life, as he drills himself and shows how he learned from his mistakes. His videos compliment this by drilling others and helping them (and the audience) learn from their mistakes. After all, there is NO way to learn other than by a person’s (yours or others’) mistakes.

“How To Be A 3% Man” gives and reinforces fundamentals. This book is the foundation to your dream house. If you’re lucky, your land may already be solid enough that you could get away with building a small hut without a foundation.

So in other words, depending on how much of the stuff you naturally know or you already know will determine how much you really have to drill down into it. But when I do phone sessions with guys, it’s usually the dudes that are lazy or they didn’t follow instructions, or maybe they’re new to my work and things were pretty fucked up by the time they came to me, so they’re trying to turn it around.

If you’re fine with that, great! My land is wet sand, and I want to build a high-rise. If your reaction to this is, “oh I don’t need fundamentals. I want to get into the advanced stuff now,” YOU NEED FUNDAMENTALS!

I see it all the time in the comments and in the emails I get. You saw it with that first email. The guy is obviously in the mindset of, “I need the technique that’s going to fix this, the quick fix. I don’t have time for fundamentals.” Even though he’s reading the book, he’s still thinking like a guy who’s cherry-picking tips from my book. It’s not going to give you sustainable success.

Too many times have I refused fundamentals and tried to go advanced first. Eventually, I did learn the fundamentals, but I had to learn them from my own mistakes, the “hard way.”

In other words, he didn’t follow instructions initially either. He kept doing it the hard way. He kept looking for the right technique, “I need the right line, the right phrase, the right comeback, and then it will solve everything.”

Now if you’ve read all of this, here’s the SECRET to this book: it is not a textbook, it is a MINDSET.

The first time you read it, you laugh your f***ing head off. You’ll know what I mean the first time you read it.

Yeah, guys read it and go, “I literally did the exact same thing that Corey did, and the girl said the exact same thing.”

After 2-5 times, it becomes pretty annoying, repetitive, and difficult to listen to. But, if anything is ever difficult, or gets harder and harder, that means there is a huge reward if you push past it.

Yeah, if you keep listening to the annoying, shaved-head, pasty white guy, good things are going to happen.

The harder something gets, the better the reward. It’s called a barrier to entry. Nothing is done in vain.

Again, read “How To Be A 3% Man” because most guys are too much of a bitch to do what’s necessary. And that’s harsh, that’s reality, but for those that are willing to do what’s required to become a 3% Man, you’re going to get the results that everybody else is going to dream about. That’s the beauty of high achievement and studying personal growth and personal development. Even though a lot of people might study it, very few actually apply it.

6-10 times, you start to realize you’ve been reading this book wrong the whole time. You’ve been reading it as a textbook, “if A happens, do B.” It’s not that, and it never was. It’s a MINDSET. You start to realize that Corey thinks a completely different way than you. You start to “reconfigure” your brain to process things like Corey’s brain does. This is the feeling that things just “click,” like many authors talk about.

11-15 times, you CRAVE reading this book. You crave reading more material (from Corey and others) and getting over emotional/psychological barriers put in place by societal conditioning. You’ve accomplished something great. You’ve finally finished laying down a concrete foundation. Now you can build your dream house.

I thought that was a great review to add in there just for the guys that are going, “I don’t want to read the book 10-15 times. I’m busy. I don’t have time for that.” Because if you’re not, you’re reading it trying to cherry-pick. Even though you might say you’re not, or you want to talk about how great your memory is, you’ve got to understand the philosophy and the mindset.

Just like he says, I don’t look at the world the way most people do, especially if you’ve read “Mastering Yourself.” The way I look at everything, I’m all about building the individual up. Why? It’s simple. Love is freedom. God is love, God is freedom. Therefore, God is all about the individual being a self-reliant human being.

When people go, “Corey, why do you talk about politics?” I say, what does the quote on the back of my book say?

“Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

Me, as a person who is self-reliant, and believes in the liberty and the supremacy of the individual — because at the end of the day, we’re all divine beings having a human experience, and us being here is the Lord’s will — you don’t have the right any more than I have the right to interfere with anybody else’s freedom or ability to live their lives and have the kind of personal and professional lives that they want to.

It’s our job as fellow divine beings to help each other reach their full potential, not order people around. One thing these lockdowns have brought out is all the little fucking tyrants that we have in government and law enforcement. All you have to do is go online and look at all the videos, and people don’t like being told what to do.

The reason I get involved in things politically sometimes in “Mastering Yourself” is, anything that I see that’s tyrannical to the mindset or the beliefs or the body of the individual, I’m going to fucking say something about it. Because I’ve got people that live in these countries that are under oppressive religious laws or regimes, and they can’t reach their full potential if the society inhibits them. So, I’m going to kick and buck against that system, because it is anathema to God’s will.

This is my whole purpose. This is why I do what I do. Therefore, sometimes I’m going to get into politics, even if it makes people feel uncomfortable. Because if you see something that’s infringing on somebody’s individual liberty, their ability to reach their full potential, you better believe I’m not going to be supportive of that.

I’m going to be all about opening things up. Open is a superior way to go. Just like Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

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“Women are naturally more attracted to and curious about men who are mysterious, unpredictable and a challenge to figure out and gain the attention of. Men, who are obsessed with their mission and purpose and building a great life and lifestyle for themselves, don’t have time to waste on nonsense. They are used to dealing with other high achievers who are direct, decisive and get right to the point. Men who have no direction or purpose have nothing going on in their lives other than trying to get through the day and finding ways to keep themselves amused and distracted. Women have to work harder for men who have their act together than guys who don’t. If you build yourself into a man who’s a catch, women will always be trying to get your attention, validation and love. Become a man of value and you will always be a man of interest to women.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne