How To Handle Aggressive Men Trying To Derail Your Date

How to handle aggressive men trying to derail your date when you’re making progress.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who went to a bar and restaurant after class with a cute classmate who was a sheriff’s deputy. An aggressive half drunk cop says he’s buying her a drink when they arrive. 20 minutes later nobody came to take their order so he went to the bar to resolve it. The guy is in his seat when he gets back. He’s furious and the date quickly derails after that. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How To Handle Aggressive Men Trying To Derail Your Date”.

So this particular email is from a viewer who doesn’t really sound like he had the logistics lined up of like where to take this girl. So he met a girl in class and apparently she’s a sheriff’s deputy, but says she doesn’t really like the job and wants to do something else. And so they go to this bar after class. It’s like a bar and restaurant, and they get in there and it’s just absolutely packed.

Which is, again, if you’re going to take a girl somewhere, you should have some idea of what the place is like when it’s busy. I mean, even on the Google app, when you look at Google Maps, if you put a restaurant in there, you can scroll down and it’ll show you how busy it is when the peak hours are. And it has those little blue bars and then the red bar. That’ll show you that if it’s busier than normal. Not as busy as it usually is, that kind of thing.

And so you should understand these things. You should definitely have some go to places where you’re going to go, so you know the environment, you know the ambience, instead of just showing up blind to some place like this. Because I guess apparently she’s got a bracelet on, for, I assume, from an officer that lost his life in Line of Duty or something. And so this drunk, aggressive cop comes over and says, I’m buying her a drink.

But the place is so packed, he’s having a hard time finding a seat. And he’s like, “oh, I’m going to go to the bar and get us drinks.” And then so he’s, you know, waiting for like 20, 30 minutes, which he shouldn’t have done. Nobody comes over for their food. And so he goes to the bar to try to order some food there. And he says he can’t do it. Then when he gets back, this dude is like in his seat having a conversation with his date, and he just totally loses control of the date. And he’s just furious and pissed off that this dude is in his seat.

And instead of being playful and having a jovial kind of attitude, he’s really angry and butt hurt and pissed off. And typically, somebody in law enforcement can kind of feel that they kind of know when you’re calm and they know when you’re pissed off. That’s what they do there. You know, especially like domestic violence calls and things of that nature. It’s the good cops will bring a lot of calmness there to that environment, because that sets the tone. If you show up and you’re angry and you’re mad, it’s going to be all over your face and she can see it.

And so the date, like quickly derails after this. And I think he texted her to ask her out again like a week later, and she just totally ghosted him and ignored him. And then a few days after that, the next time they were in class, she sits right behind him and he just gets up and and like, books it out of there, acting like he doesn’t see her. And he’s like, did I do the right thing? So it’s interesting, if you date enough, you’re gonna have this kind of an issue.

And it’s always better to go with the flow, diffuse with humor, use self-deprecating humor, especially if you’re with a female police officer on a date. Because masculinity is calm. And if you’re just boiling with anger and you want to punch the guy, she knows. She’s not stupid. And so, unfortunately, he allowed this drunk cop to derail his date and center him, and it quickly turned off this cute girl to the point where she just blew him off the next time he reached out to her.

Because he had suggested going to another place, and she just was like, “oh, I just want to go.” So pretty much the date was over then because he lost control. He’s supposed to be the leader and lead her to where he wants to go, and he allowed a chaotic environment and a drunk police officer basically to derail his date.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

I’m 36, living in Southern California, currently in IT and going to school for cyber security. Since December, I’ve read 3% Man eight times, Mastering Yourself once, Quotes Volume 1 once, and I never miss a video and Live Stream. I’m writing you this letter to see if I handled a situation correctly. I must attend 1 class at my college. The first day I spotted a 4’11 Latina with tattoos on her right arm with video game characters, she’s attractive and fit. I started a conversation with her after class. She’s a sheriff and wants to leave the force because she’s tired of it.

Well, just as a caveat, I have a lot of friends and family in law enforcement and I’ve got a lot of clients. One thing I will say is, out of the top five careers where women cheat, being a sheriff’s deputy, being in law enforcement is one of the top five. Along with nurses, doctors, people in the military, female bartenders, that kind of thing. So that doesn’t mean that they’re all lying, cheating whores, but there is a high incidence of them, because I’ve done countless of phone sessions over the years where guys are cheating on their wives with a woman who’s cheating on her husband or her boyfriend. They all work in the same department. It’s like you guys like to live dangerously.

She’s my age and has a 13-year-old. I made the conversation interesting and filled with laughter, plus I named off all the characters on her arm. I told her farewell, and she said, “Here have my number in case we have questions about class.” I drew my phone like a colt 45. Later I texted her and created more rapport.

Well, the phone is for setting dates, not creating rapport and getting to know somebody.

She said, “Hey Bob, it’s good to hear from you with a smiley face.” I told her, “Let’s go get some food off campus after class.” She was complaining about the food on campus, it took her about 8 hours to reply but she agreed.

So it took her eight hours. She’s going “eh, I really don’t want to go out with this guy.” She’s not like, “hell yeah. Finally he asked me out.” She’s like, “uh, should I reply? Do I like him enough? Is he good for me? Uh, I don’t know.” She waited eight hours. Unless maybe she was on a shift, but maybe she wasn’t. It’s usually not a good sign. Especially if he was in the middle of texting her. So if they’re texting and he says, “hey, let’s go grab some food off campus after class”, and then she waits eight hours to reply.

She did it on purpose because she wasn’t super excited about going out with you, and she may have been doing it on purpose just to troll you to see if you would lose your shit. Because women understand that the needy, insecure guys get really mad, they get really butthurt, and they get angry right off the bat if they don’t comply or reply within a certain period of time. What are you gremlins doing coming in here and messing with your mom? She’s going to growl and snap at you. Just watch. Oh, see? There it is, first growl. So this is the problem with having four puppies.

They love you. They want to be with you all the time. They want to play. They want to annoy their mother who’s tired of their bullshit. But this is what happens. This is kind of like. What I like about dogs is they’re kind of chaotic. They bark, they’re obnoxious, goes right along with drilling on the slab and people pounding hammers, like in the middle of it, or fucking horns or trains. You know, we got older videos when I lived downtown or fucking trains constantly are firing. So, hey, it’s just part of life, you know? Masculinity’s calm even when the dogs annoy mom.

And she growls and snarls at them, and then they jump up in my lap in the middle of a video, or they start barking or playing. Jade just had her baby the other day. So when she’s ready, she’ll be back filming and the baby will be on set and I’m sure we’re going to hear it going wah, crying and all that stuff. And there’ll probably be some dudes getting real upset. Hey, it’s not professional having a crying baby. It’s like, this is life, man. This is family. This is what happens. You gotta let things roll like water rolls off the back of a duck. So just when shit happens that you don’t expect, you gotta be calm, cool, collected. Not super angry and mad and stewing. Like what you’ll see happens with this guy.

I stayed off the phone, it was not until 2 weeks later we attended class because of Labor Day.

So you stayed off the phone like, what does that mean? She replied and agreed. But you didn’t make a definite date. You just kind of left it up in the air. Maybe he said, hey, next time I see you in class, we’ll go eat afterwards. And she says, sounds good. So I guess two weeks later he had class because one one week they didn’t because it was Labor Day.

After class we talked as we walked to her car, and she drove me to mine. I picked a bar and grill in the area with good reviews, she said she’d been there before as we were talking. We drove separately to the place. We get to the bar, and this half-drunk guy says,” I got her drink.” I say to myself, “what the fuck.”

When he says, I got a drink, I would be like, well, what about mine? It’s the gentlemanly thing to do to buy a drink for a kind, gentlemanly stranger like myself and my cute date. It’s like, come on, bro. It’s like, what about me? That’s how I was like, why don’t I get a drink? Just because I got a pair of tits? I don’t get a free drink. It’s like, come on, that’s not fair. Always go with the flow, diffuse with humor, crack a joke. But instead, right away, he’s like, what the fuck? Why isn’t this guy buying my drink? Bad way to go. Masculinity is calm. Always have a better, more playful comeback. It’s right out of the book.

He was supposedly a cop too; he recognized a bracelet she had on for a fallen officer. I didn’t let it bother me.

Oh, sure you didn’t. Yeah you did.

We sat down and after about 20 minutes they still haven’t taken our order.

Well, this is part of being a leader on a date. If I sit down, I ain’t waiting for fucking 20 minutes. I’ll wait for about 5 or 7 minutes. I’m gonna flag somebody down. Hey, can you send our waiter over? That’d be great. Thank you. But if you walk in and the place is jammed and it’s chaotic, you’re like, you should have a second place in mind. Hey, you know what? Let’s go over here or wherever. But, you know, it just looks like he went to a place. He just read the reviews. But like I said, Google Maps is your friend. If you scroll down, you it has these little bars. It’s like a little bar chart that tells you when it’s busiest.

And if you’re going to go and it has like a red bar that’s like higher than normal, you’re like, oh wow, this place is busier than normal. Let’s not go there. But you didn’t do that. So that’s on you. Again, you’re the leader. You’re supposed to plan these things, hang out, have fun, hook up. What happens if things go well at this place? Where’s the second place you’re going to take it to? Where’s the third place? And is it close to your apartment? So if you’re making out and you’re all over each other, you can say, hey, let’s get out here and go back to my place. But he wasn’t prepared.

We sat down and after about 20 minutes they still haven’t taken our order. I ask her what she wants and go to the bar to order it. They were too busy to take my order, so I decided I wanted to go somewhere else.

Yeah, that’s part of being a man. When you’re in a bar, you got to be able to flag down a bartender, write it down on a piece of paper. Hey, can you put this order in for us? We’re sitting right over there. That’d be awesome. Here’s 20 bucks. Whatever you got to do, grease the bartender, the waitress. Go talk to somebody. Flag down a manager. Fucking figure it out Dude. Don’t sit there with your thumb up your butt in a booth for 20 minutes.

Where the hell are these people? Where’s the waitress? Where’s the waiter? What’s going on? It just makes you look like you’re not able to be in control of the situation. Now, keep in mind you’re dating a sheriff’s deputy. So you walk in and you’re just sitting there. You’re very passive. It’s not good to be passive on a date like that, especially if your date is hungry. Don’t want her stomach growling. You want her going, what is with this guy? Why doesn’t he take charge and do something?

What do you know when I get back that cop is sitting in my chair talking to her, exchanging cop stories. 

Well, you know what? If he’s sitting there, he’s like, bro, you still didn’t get me a drink. What kind of service is this? I haven’t even been able to get my order. It’s like, you got a drink for her. But what about me? I guess at some point he got a drink somehow. Maybe he got a drink for the bar, but they wouldn’t take his order. Or they were just so busy trying to flag him down, they ignored him, I don’t know. It’s like you got to kind of be a pest. Money talks in that situation. It’s like, dude, here’s 20 bucks.

Can you please take our order and put it in because I don’t know where the fuck our waitress is and we’re really hungry. I would love it if you could help me out. That would be awesome. Got a cute date over there. She’s a little hungry. Don’t want her getting cranky. So if you could help me out, it’d be amazing. That’d be a solid. Here’s 20 spot. They’ll usually appreciate that. And if you got it written down on paper, it’s like makes it easy.

I sit down in a different chair so pissed off inside.

You can’t do that. I would have just pulled my chair. It’s like, say he’s in your seat and they’re facing each other. I would grab another chair and just pull it up at the end of the table. So you’re kind of in between them. It’s like, well, what’d I miss? Hi, I’m Corey. What’s your name? Oh, my name is Bob. Are you in law enforcement, too? Oh, cool. Thanks for your service, man. Thanks for keeping us safe. Don’t drink and drive. Have fun. Hang out, have fun, hook up. But instead, he was hanging out. He was getting angry, and there was no hook up. I sit down at a different chair, so pissed off inside.

But I control myself.

I don’t think so.

At the same time I’m cursing up a storm to myself.  

This motherfucker. God damn it! Cock blocking me.

I’m thinking,” how do I get rid of this guy? “I tell her what happened at the bar and say let’s finish our drinks and go somewhere else. The cop wants us to stay so I proceed to say, “You just want us to stay here, don’t you?” And laugh.

I was like, he says you guys should stay here. He’s like, so you’re buying us food and drink? It’s like, you’re fucking awesome, dude. I like this guy already. It’s like, where’d you find him? It’s like, this is great. You know, why don’t we order a bottle of champagne? How about some Dom Pérignon? We’ll put it on your tab. It’s like I’m totally down. That’s what you should do. You should be making light of it. Not getting upset. Because if you get this guy on your side and you’re joking around and if you start talking, well, how do you guys know each other? He’s like, well, this is you know, we met in class and I invited her on a date, and here we are. Where’s your date? What’s going on? It’s like, where’s your girl? Maybe we can be your wing-man and wing-woman. Maybe we’ll hook you up. Hey, there’s a cute girl. Why don’t you go talk to her?

“I tell her what happened at the bar and say let’s finish our drinks and go somewhere else. The cop wants us to stay so I proceed to say, “You just want us to stay here, don’t you?” And laugh. I would have stuck up for myself.

You don’t need to stick up for yourself. It’s like these things are going to happen. The dude’s drunk. He’s a cop. It’s like if he’s there, it’s like being angry is not going to help. He’s a police officer. So if you come at a police officer with anger. Don’t challenge the bull. Don’t do that. You should know better. Maybe you don’t know anybody in law enforcement. You never had friends or family or people that served in the military, special Forces guys, you don’t jack up on a guy like that. You just don’t do it.

But do I want to get into a verbal altercation with a half-drunk cop and his buddies? No.

Yeah, you shouldn’t have been thinking like this. This is the wrong mindset. You should have been like, what’s good about this? Let’s have some fun. Maybe at his expense a little bit. But if he’s like, oh, you want to stay? He’s like, so you’re buying. This is awesome. This is the best date ever. It’s like, I don’t even have to pay, I love it.

She finally finishes the drink, and we get up and leave. I suggested somewhere else, but she said she wanted to go.

Yeah, because she could tell you were fucking mad and stewing.

She had an hour drive and had other things to do.

Yeah. She was just like, fuck this guy. He’s getting pissed off. He’s losing his shit. He’s getting mad.

Four days later, I passed a very important test I need for AWS Cloud Engineering.

I assume that’s Amazon Web Services.

I felt so good, I decided to call her and ask her out on a proper evening date. It rang but I got the voicemail, and all I said was, “Hey it’s Bob, just seeing what’s up, hit me up, peace out.”

I would have said, hey, it’s Bob. I’d love to get together for a drink or I’d love to get together for dinner. I know we didn’t get to eat the last time, but, you know, let me know what your schedule availability is. I’d love to see you. I wouldn’t have said, “hit me up. Peace out.”

Nothing, ghosted. Monday comes; she arrives late and sits right behind me. Visually, I’m cool but I pretty much ignored her, didn’t say hi. Once class was over, I high tallied it out of there.  In hindsight, I should have waved and/or said hi, but I didn’t.

It’s like you’re just like running out with your tail between your legs. It’s a bad way to go, dude. You shouldn’t have done that. I would have not handled it that way.

Coach, Did I handle the situation with the cock blocker correctly?

Survey says no, you did not. Cause the cock blocker was successful at cock blocking you.

Did she ghost me because she thought I handled this situation wrong?

Yep.

Or am I over analyzing this?

Uh, I wouldn’t say you’re overanalyzing it, but you thought you passed with flying colors and if you’d have created a rapport with this guy and had him laughing and had been a group of you guys, he might have said, oh, well, you know, I don’t wanna interrupt your guys date. Y’all have a good night. It was really nice meeting you. You’re great. You’re awesome. Whatever. This is a great guy. You should be nice to him. As he says to the girl, you could have got him on your side.

He probably could have put in a good word for you if he really liked you. But instead you walked away kind of enemies, and she saw that you were not good under pressure. And so that’s why she ghosts you. Remember she took eight hours to reply to your offer of a date because she was already like eh. Her interest was a five on a scale of 1 to 10, I would say she was willing to give you a shot, but when she goes to you, she was like a survey says.

Maybe she wasn’t interested after all and it really was for class?

Eh, I’d say she was open to being seduced, potentially. But again, it didn’t go well. And you can’t make too many mistakes when the girl’s interest is low like that.

Going forward, do I greet her when I see her but don’t start a conversation?

What would be the opportunity for me to ask her out again?

See you on the Live Stream, Coach.

Thank you for everything.

I was like, hey you! If you see her and you make eye contact, maybe you’re sitting down waiting for the door to open and go into class, smile, wave, then go back to talking to whoever you were talking to. If she sits down next to you, I was like, hey you, how you been? And just don’t even bring up the phone call. Just have the attitude. Well, she’s not interested. And then after class you’re like, hey, you know, I guess I’ll see you next week. Have a great week and just roll off into the sunset. She might say, well, wait, wait, wait. Hey. Sorry didn’t get back to you. Oh, work’s been crazy. I’m really sorry.

He’s like, oh, so are you ready to make it up to me? He’s like, well, make a date on a spot. Just say I got a great place we should go for dinner. We can go on a proper date. What’s your schedule like and just make it in person. But I would wait for her to either reach out or to bring it up. When you see her in class. Don’t be a cold fish. I mean, you made it obvious that you were butthurt. You made it obvious you were butthurt when you were sitting there on your date. You made it obvious when you were butthurt and just walked right by her and ignored her.

And I just imagine you’re walking really fast and she’s thinking, oh, this guy’s like, scared of me now is bad, dude. It’s just not the way to handle things. When shit like this happens, you can’t get angry because that’s going to make you look like a bitch. But if you embrace it and you’re like, fuck! Well, now there’s three of us. We got a party. Maybe I can get a couple other girls to come over to the table and talk to this guy and maybe say, hey, well, why don’t you ask these fine, beautiful ladies to go dance is like, why don’t you ladies dance with him?

Take him out on the dance floor, dance with two girls. Maybe you guys can all go home together, and then they go off and they do their thing, and now you’re on the date and she’ll be like, man, that was really smooth. How you de-escalated that. But it didn’t happen. But it’s a good email to learn from and how to properly handle these things, because you’re going to have drunk dudes coming up if it’s your girlfriend and some guys kind of hitting on her just it’s so much fun to walk over and just kiss her on the lips and embrace her and just step right in there. What’s he gonna say?

He’s like, this is my girlfriend, bro. This is my girl. Maybe we’ll maybe we can be your wingman and wing-woman and help you meet a cute lady. What kind of girls do you like? Pick one out and we’ll go approach her with you, and we’ll introduce you. And then we’ll slyly move away once the conversation starts going well, if you crash and burn, that’s on you. But at least we’ll hook you up. So you got to embrace it. You got to have fun, have the attitude of, well, when you get lemons, you make lemonade, right? As the old saying goes.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our Exclusive Premium Members Only Content in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there and you can do a seven day free trial. Check out what content you get for your money. And if you do choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab. Sign up for a Premium Membership trial today. Support the channel and all the great videos you get. And until next time, I will talk to you soon.