How To Have Effortless Relationships

How to have easy and effortless relationships.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman he knew in high school for about three months. She comes from a broken home with an alcoholic mother and abusive father. She’s a single mom. Everyone who knows her and his own mother says she is a good woman.

He’s obviously concerned it can work because of her background and asks the best way to have an effortless relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer. When you see, as I go through this email, the woman that he’s dating, she had an alcoholic mother, she had an abusive father. I guess the mother had to basically escape the physical abuse of the father when she was young. So it doesn’t look like dad was involved. So she came from a broken home and it statistically, you would think everything is stacked, the deck is stacked against her. Plus, she’s got a kid from another relationship, and he admits in previous relationships he’s kind of cheated, and his mom just passed away about a month ago, and his mother knew the girl that he’s dating and said she’s a really good woman, good person, and everybody that knows her because he went to high school with this girl. Everybody knows her has nothing but good things to say about her.

So he’s been kind of casually dating, but obviously he’s been following my work, and he’s concerned about her background and worries that having an effortless relationship with somebody like that and that kind of background is just statistically not in their favor. The chances of it working out and them having an effortless relationship, because you can see he’s got a little bit of Captain Save-A-Hoe in him. He wants to take care of her, he wants to help her, that kind of thing. So they’re exclusive now. They’ve been dating about, I think you said about 10 weeks, 11 weeks. So it’s about two-and-a-half months or so that they’ve been dating. It’s just a good email.

You got to vet the people. Character is destiny. That’s not just the women that you’re going to date, it’s the friends you’re going to have, it’s people you potentially go into business with. Maybe if you’re raising money, investors that invest in your business, character is important, and you got to vet people on a case-by-case basis. Now, statistically, somebody with her background, the chances of being able to have an easy and effortless relationship with her are just not good, but there are people that go through traumatic things and they say, “You know what? Because of what I went through, I’m going to be a better person. I’m not going to be like my parents. I don’t want to raise my kids or have a family in that kind of environment that I grew up from, and I’m going to do the work on myself. I’m going to do self-help, self-improvement.” People will go to therapy and things of that nature to work through their issues so they can be a good teammate and a good partner for somebody.

As Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me.” The reality is, most people won’t do that, but the ones that are willing to do that, then based on their actions and how they treat us men, if they treat us right, then we can give them the benefit of the doubt. Again, you got to look at what they do, not what they say.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I have been following your work for a few years and I have heard you say quite a number of times that it’s important that the girl you are with comes from a stable family upbringing and had a solid father figure in their lives?

Ideally, girls that love their fathers, that have a really good relationship with their dad. They admire their dad. They respect their dad. They look up to their dad. He’s kind of their rock, their mountain. He provided a very masculine, very stable environment. He didn’t tolerate bullshit. He put her in her place when she got out of line. He instilled her with a sense of values, a sense of goals and self-respect. Taught her to be self-reliant and to basically be a good human being with a code of honor. Statistically, most guys just don’t do that.

So if you want to have a long-term, healthy, monogamous relationship, it’s important that you understand and learn what kind of environment the woman that you want to date or potentially be in a relationship with that she came from, because whatever is modeled at home is what they’re going to tend to emulate. Now, it doesn’t mean that it’s set in stone and people can’t grow beyond that, become better people. I mean, when you look at the world’s billionaires, most of them are first generation. They were all self-made and they usually grew up in very traumatic environments, often were poor, and it instilled something in themselves to where they wanted to grow beyond that. They didn’t ever want to have to suffer not having money or being broke.

What’s his name? Kevin O’Leary, I think, Mr. Wonderful. He says he’s got an account because his assertion is you only need about $5 million in assets and paying 6% a year over $300,000 a year. So he’s got an account with $5 million into it, I think he says in treasuries. So he just earns his interest, and if something was to happen, he lost all his wealth, at least he would have, I mean, he doesn’t need to, but he sets his money aside in case he lost everything. At least he’d be able to survive, live, put a roof over his head and make enough money to where he wouldn’t have to struggle. So it’s like an insurance policy, and that’s the kind of thing that reveals, like all high achievers, we’re driven by fear. Fear of being mediocre, fear of not reaching our full potential, fear of being poor, fear of not having love, whatever happens to be. We’re driven with a lot of pain to move away from the bad environment that we grew up in, or the chaos or whatever it happened to be.

So it’s important to understand what matters is the meanings that we give to the circumstances of our lives, and people that typically come from broken homes, more often than not, are going to repeat that. When you look at who’s in prison, 80% of the dudes, I think they’re in prison, all come from broken homes. There’s no dad or raised by a single mom. You need both parents. You need a strong, stable, masculine influence, even if it’s not the dad. It could be an uncle, a grandfather or stepdad that provides that role and instills that good set of values. If they’re not taught that it’s like, women are not going through osmosis, absorb it through the air or the TV or the internet. If somebody’s not instilling it in them and holding them accountable and then they grow up, they’re typically just going to repeat the patterns of their childhood, unless they make a conscious effort and a conscious decision that no matter what happens in life, they’re not going to be like their family. They’re going to be so much more, so much better, and they’re going to do the little things that are necessary to enable them to have success.

So back to his email.

The girl I have recently got into a relationship with had a hard upbringing with seeing abuse from her dad hurting her mother and her siblings and also verbally got abused by her father herself. The father left them and her mum…

I assume he’s from probably the UK, Australia and New Zealand, maybe.

…Had to seek women’s refuge to get away from the father. So there was a very dysfunctional upbringing and maybe fear and scars from her past in dating the wrong men and her relationship choices. 

Well, if she wanted love from her father but didn’t get it and got abused, she’s just naturally going to be attracted to guys that she can play that out with. You’ll see, when she talks about the fact that she’s been dicked over in other relationships, is because what was modeled for her, that’s her strategy. That’s her attraction strategy. That’s how she goes and she’s most attracted to the kind of guys that are probably going to provide a similar type of relationship to the father. So you can tell she’s kind of gun shy, maybe a little jaded after what’s happened to her.

The girl I am with I actually went to high school with her and from what I saw and knew she always very caring and kind towards everyone and, in fact, everyone has a good word to say about her that knows her and says to me that I have chose well. 

Well I mean, quite frankly, that’s called the minimum level of competence that a man is supposed to be able to do anyways, but unfortunately, most people major in minor things. So those kind of guys are rare as well.

She desires a man who can give her stability, love and care. She has stated that I have been an absolute gentleman and actually cried when I took her out for her 30th birthday because she was afraid that she wouldn’t find another man like me who treats her so well. In her words, “I am afraid that it will go pear shaped like all the other relationships. You treat me so well and I am afraid to catch more feelings for you as I don’t want to get hurt again and fucked over again as I can’t deal with that if it happens to me again. I haven’t met anyone like you who cares for me and treats me so well and I am afraid of losing you or for it to be too good to be true.”

So it’s understandable that she would feel that way. She obviously has some abandonment or fear. Natural fear of abandonment. I mean, who wouldn’t if you grew up in an environment like she did? So if she’s dating a guy that’s chaotic and emotionally unavailable or not there, that’s going to feel normal to her whether she realizes it or not.

That’s when I reassured her that I wasn’t going anywhere and that I am not in this to hurt anyone. I just want to take things slowly…

Which is the right approach.

…And to get to know her piece-by-piece before I jump into a relationship as she brought up us being together a few times. Ten weeks in now and recently I just asked her to be exclusive as she brought it up in a PG way that how she isn’t anyone’s girl because I haven’t asked LOL. That’s when I said, “Do you want to be solely mine and exclusive with me?” And she smiled and said maybe and then yes LOL. She has a two-year-old son and is a single parent with not much help as her mum is an alcoholic and minds the wee one when she works in the evening and calls her to get home in the middle of her shift, making excuses that the child isn’t asleep or isn’t well and that she needs to get home now. A lot of the time she minds him.

So mom’s a little bit of a drama queen. Basically, she gets too drunk and doesn’t want to deal with her grandson. She’s like, “Come get your kid! He’s wearing me out! I’m about to pass out!”

When she arrives home in stress and disorder she finds alcohol bottles empty and a “can’t be bothered” attitude and everything usually is OK with the child in bed sleeping. Making chaos for the sake of it and causing unnecessary drama for my girlfriend of recent.

Well again, that’s what was modeled. Mom doesn’t have her shit together. She drinks the blues away,

The child’s father doesn’t drive and doesn’t take much to do with the wee one and my girl travels hours with the child on the weekly if the lazy so-called father could be bothered seeing his own child. 

Well, it’s not your responsibility to ensure the kid’s dad wants to spend time with his own kid, because if he doesn’t, well that’s on him. It’s not your job to fix that guy or be Captain Save-A-Hoe, step in there and just solve the family’s problems. It’s nice that your mom said nice things about this girl, all your friends said nice things about her and everybody else that knows her, but at the end of the day, they know her in a different way. You know her intimately because you’re the one in a relationship with her.

So you need to vet her based upon her character and her actions, not what other people say. You can’t just take what other people say to the bank and just assume that’s the way it is because again, you have a different type of relationship with her than the people that are friends and acquaintances, and even your own mother.

So her stress and life is a lot and I only see the good in her and how good of a person she is. I am not a dumb fuck as I have been in a solid well to do three long-term relationships before with women who all have had solid father figures in their lives and were in good careers such as a podiatrist…

I think that’s a foot doctor.

…A high school teacher and a girl who was training in her PhD to become a teacher. The girl I am in a relationship with now is a professional performer, actor and singer, being given jobs all around the country and abroad at bars, clubs and hotels and professional high end events for business people and parties so late nights are always on the agenda.

Well, that’s something that you got to consider. Do you really want to date a woman that’s going to be traveling, going around the country, going around the world, staying in hotels? Especially if you got a normal job, it’s not like you’re going to be able to travel with her. That’s something you got to consider long-term. Is that what you really want for your teammates? Somebody that’s always on the road and gone? Because again, if somebody’s always on the road and gone, I mean, things happen. Affairs happen on the road. So you got to consider is that something that you want to deal with? Do you want to be sleeping in bed at night? Maybe if you guys have kids together as well, and then you’re wondering what she’s doing, who she’s with, where she’s at.

Again, that’s something that you need to look at. You need to consider that. Then when she is gone, what is she doing? Who’s she spending her time with? Is she going and hanging out one-on-one with guys that are single or guys that are part of the crew or other singers that she meets? You’re looking for actions that reveal she has good character, makes good decisions and has good judgment.

Typically women that grow up without the father, they don’t trust men, they don’t know which men to trust. They usually, more often than not, will invite lots of attention from other guys just because dad was never there. So they like it when men are interested in them, even when they’re supposedly just friends, they like the attention.

Getting to spend time with her usually entails calling over late at night once she finishes work or when she isn’t working, I call over when the wee one is in bed as she doesn’t want me to meet him until she is sure that I am the one, committed and serious which I find respectable.

Well dude, you agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with her and you haven’t met the kid yet, so you committed to her, but the child is still not a part of your life. That’s something you want to see. Is he well behaved? Was he taught properly? Or is he like, what’s his name? Damien, in the onion field or something like that? Children Of The Corn! You ever saw that? I think it was a Stephen King horror movie from the 80s. Children Of The Corn. Is the kid one of the children of the corn? So these are things you got to know.

So you’re giving her a commitment, and it’s like you’re kind of sneaking in for a booty call. Do you guys even go out on dates? The fact that you’re calling her, I mean, part of the thing is, after having read this, I wonder if this guy has actually even read the book, or he’s just trying to cherry-pick videos. You’re not going to be successful long-term unless you read and learn the book, because if you haven’t read the book, and the only time you see her is when you call her to find out if she’s put her kid to bed and then you go over for a booty call, basically. It doesn’t really sound like you have a girlfriend. It sounds more like you have an actual booty call that you’re exclusive with.

If you’re following what’s in the book, she should be doing 95% of the calling, texting, pursuing and reaching out to you, but it kind of seems like you’re doing most of the pursuing. If she’s available, she’ll hang out with you and sneak you in, but you got to be up before her two-year-old gets up in the morning. So that’s not what I would really call a real relationship. I wrote about this and I speak from experience dating women that have kids. It’s like they’re part of the family and they go everywhere with you. If you’ve been dating a woman for almost three months and now you’ve agreed to be exclusive, but you haven’t met the kid yet, you’re sneaking into her house, then leaving in the morning and not actually going out on dates, well then that’s just a booty call. That’s not an actual relationship. Plus, if she’s on the road a lot, it’s like when she’s in town, you got a booty call when she’s traveling and working or whatever, what are you going to do with yourself then?

So you’ve locked yourself up personally to a woman who you know, from your email, seems like she’s largely unavailable and, again, just doesn’t seem like you really know or understand the book or have actually read it. So you got to take this seriously. You got to read this 10 to 15 times so you know what the hell you’re doing.

She works, plus is a full-time mum who inspires me to do better and to step up as a man for her.

Well again, she’s keeping you at arm’s length. If you’re just sneaking in at night and that’s the only time you see her, then you’re a booty call. You’re not really her boyfriend. You agreed to be sexually exclusive, but it’s not a real relationship because her kid doesn’t know you and you don’t know her family, she doesn’t know yours. Well, I guess your mom knows her, and everybody knows her, but you don’t really know her. You don’t know her life. So that’s kind of concerning. That tells me that you’re not really aware of interest, you’re focused more on your interest in her and how much you like her, and you’re really unable to tell how much she’s actually interested in you.

I know and realize the job and life ahead won’t be easy for me with everything she has going on, but as a man, I also know what it’s like to be an only child with my own belated mother having me at 17 years old as a single mum would went over and beyond for me with little to her own name. She put me first and even at 32 still put me first and treated me like I was still her baby boy. My own mum, who lately just over a month ago died at 49 years old suddenly, with so much love to give and loved child minding and had a heart for the poor and unfortunate, my mum would give her last penny and bite out of her mouth to feed and cloth someone, which she did and it had long lasting positive effects on me and many others by actually having the biggest ever church funeral at 260 people attending showing their love and support to my mum, myself and the family. 

Well, that’s pretty nice. Sounds like your mom was an awesome person. So good on you for having a good mother.

At the end of the day, just that whole long diatribe that you just went on tells me that you got a little bit of the Captain Save-A-Hoe, “I’m going to fix her. I’m going to save her. I’m going to sweep in and rescue her from her life and her shitty baby daddy who doesn’t do anything,” yet you don’t know the kid, you’re exclusive and you’re only sneaking in at night when it’s available. So it sounds like you’re doing most of the pursuing. If she’s available, she lets you come over, but after the sex, she kicks you out. I mean again, just from what you wrote, that’s what it sounds like is going on here.

Anyways, my mum stated two weeks before she died that, “Son, don’t let it put you off that your girl-to-be has a child as I had you at 17,” and went and was I just to sit on the shelf and not find happiness? 

That kind of doesn’t make sense, but probably Australian or UK talk.

My mum knew of the girl I am just recently with now and had only great things to say about her. My mum met her many times when she was in a relationship with one of my childhood friends years ago…

So one of his buddies, I guess, dated her at some point and so his mom got to know her.

…So they passed each other a few times with my mum only having positive and good things to say about her. 

Well, just because she met her a handful of times doesn’t mean that your mom had the time to really assess her character.

Can you give me some advice Coach, on your thoughts on my just new relationship and how I can be the best man for her and to ultimately make my mum proud of the son that she raised as she taught me to always respect women and not use women like my father did who cheated with every women he got with including my mum?

Have you tried reading the book, dude? You gotta read this because you’re saying, “Hey, coach, what do I do?” I can’t teach you a 250-page book in a 20-minute video. You got to participate in your own rescue. You got to take the time to fill in your knowledge gap. You’re not going to be able to successfully learn the book if you’re just cherry-picking videos. The videos are based on the assumption that you’ve read the baseline fundamentals in the book, and the videos are real world situations of emails like yours, where I go through and say, “Hey, this is how you apply the book to this situation.” So again, what jumps out at me is it doesn’t look like you’re able to read her interest in you, and it looks like you’re mostly focused on how much you like her, and you’re concerned about her liking you and accepting you, and you’re not even looking at the fact at how much she likes you or how much she’s trying to win you over.

The thing that’s concerning for me is you’re almost three months in and you’re kind of sneaking into her house at night. You’re the one calling her. Other than that, you don’t really see her very often. So just from that perspective, it just looks like it’s a booty call, not really a real relationship, because when I’ve dated women, I get exclusive with them, we’re going to lunch, we’re going to dinner on the weekends, they’re staying over and their kids are always with us. We’re a family and we do things together as a family, but you’re three months down the road and you’re still sneaking in at night?

I also have had a past with women and long-term relationships and have also cheated in my past where regret and conviction later happened, so I am trying to learn not to make the same mistakes ever again.

So his father was a liar and a cheater, and he admits that he’s basically been guilty of that in his previous relationships. So we have a girl that’s been dicked around and lied and cheated to by the guy she was with. She watched her father abuse the mother. So now she’s dating the guy that wrote the email who has a history of lying and cheating with his exes.

So typically, once a cheater, always a cheater. So if he’s always cheated on everybody he’s been with, well as Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.” However, it’s possible that if he’s really seriously committed to it, that he’ll be loyal and faithful to her. Again, we don’t really know because his history is he’s not capable of it until he is. Maybe he’s ready to grow up and he’ll never do that again, but the odds of him changing are statistically not in his favor. It is possible, but the chances are very slim.

I grew up in a family of women myself with my amazing Christian nana and mum raising me with the little they had for themselves, but always put me first and poured out their cup to fill mine. I had an amazing childhood with great memories of mum hosting Christmas and Halloween parties for my friends and family. In fact, I was a spoiled, rotten as a child, and as a man, I am ever so grateful for the childhood that my mum gave me. 

Bob

So again, the baseline fundamentals is like what you do to get her is what you do to keep her. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. Long-term relationships go well when you’re with somebody who’s easy-going, easy to get along with, who’s nice to you, and she communicates like an adult. Typically, women that love their dads and respect their dads are pretty easy and effortless to be with. So the question is, is she nice to you? Does she communicate like an adult? Is she a hot head?

Again, if you’re just sneaking it at night a couple times a week for a booty call, it’s not really a real relationship. You’re not really spending much time with her. You’re just sexually exclusive. Are you going out on dates and doing fun things together or doing for the weekend? Well, probably not. If she’s got an alcoholic mom, that kind of sounds like she does a half-assed job of watching her grandchild, I mean, how are you going to go away for the weekend to a bed and breakfast just you and her? If the alcoholic mother just decides that she’s ready to pass out and calling her daughter and saying, “Hey, you need to come home and get your kid because I’m ready to pass out,” or she’s drunk or whatever, it just doesn’t sound like she’s got a stable house.

Again, it doesn’t really sound like he’s in kind of a real relationship. That’s why you need to read the book, because it doesn’t look like you’ve actually read the book. You probably cherry-picked enough from the videos to be getting laid, but you’re ignoring the fact that it looks like based on what you said, maybe I’m wrong, maybe you left it out, but what you wrote in here was that you’re calling to her after she gets home from work and wants the kids in bed, then you’re allowed to come over, hook up, but then you got to dip out so the kid doesn’t see you.

So if that’s all you’re doing, then it’s a booty call. I personally wouldn’t have committed. If that’s all the time that she can give you, I would have just been like, “Hey well, when you’re available, we can be a booty call. Hit me up when you’re in town and we’ll get together,” and then you treat it as such. The fact that you’re exclusive and she’s still hiding the kid from you tells me that’s what happens when you over-pursue. That tells me from her actions that even though you’re exclusive, where she hasn’t really committed to you, she’s keeping you at arm’s length. Again, quite frankly, just treating you like a booty call that she’s sexually exclusive with. So if you guys are raw dogging it, she doesn’t have to worry about getting the gift that keeps on giving.

So again, the basics of how to have easy and effortless relationships, typically in most cases, you want a girl that loves her dad, she was raised properly and instilled a good sense of goals and values in her. She’s got to be easy-going, easy to get along with, and she’s got to communicate like an adult. No passive aggressive behavior. She’s got to be nice to you. Most importantly, was she raised right? If you butt heads on things, are you able to talk it out?

Again, you got to learn the baseline fundamentals of what’s in the book. There’s no shortcuts to success. So put the time in with it because it just looks like you learned enough of the pickup and seduction material from the videos to get into this situationship, but when it comes to a real relationship and dating and courting her properly, it doesn’t seem like you know any of that stuff. Plus, it doesn’t look like you can read her interest. You’re just mostly focused on how much you like her and how much you can be a good guy for her. It’s like, what is she doing to be a good girlfriend to you other than sneaking in at night for a booty call? Something to think about, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.