How To Keep Your Relationship Passionate, Sexual, Exciting & Fun

How to keep your relationship passionate, sexual, exciting & fun.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email success story from a viewer who has been following me for several years. He says his relationship is great. She is beautiful, funny, respectful, honest and treats him right. They never fight and communicate well. They’re engaged and trying to have a baby.

He asks how to avoid becoming complacent so the relationship stays great. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is a success story from a guy who’s been following me for several years. He says his relationship is great. His fiance is beautiful, funny, respectful, honest and treats him right. They never fight, they communicate really well and they’re in the process of trying to have a baby, so they’re both trying to, or she’s trying to get pregnant. He’s trying to impregnate her, if you will.

He says, “Things are going so well. I don’t have any problems, but what do I need to do to avoid becoming complacent long term?” Well, the first thing I would say about that is, one of the things that Jocko Willink says that so powerful is, he says, “Discipline equals freedom.” So there’s going to be times where you’re just going to be caught up in life, you’re going to get busy, you’re not going to feel like dating and courting your girl, maybe you’re trying to save money, so you’re thinking, “Oh, we’re saving money by not going out and doing things.”

Women want to be in a love story. As the book says, the courtship never ends. Most of the time when I’m doing phone sessions with guys, they’re calling me about women that they are having problems with. Guys, whether they’re married and in a long term relationship, or they got a live-in girlfriend that’s long term relationship, or somebody they’ve been dating a long time, it always goes sideways for two main reasons: The first one is the guy stopped dating and courting her, so the love story ended. Women know that if you care, you’ll continue to date them. If you don’t care, you’ll make excuses and say, “Hey, we’re trying to save money. I got to pay these bills,” and all she hears is, “You’re not important enough for me to go out and do dates with you.” Money is more important, if you will. It’s not that you got to spend a ton of money doing an expensive date. I mean, you can go to a picnic at the beach with some bud lights and a picnic basket. You could do something simple like that, or go around a lake, go for a walk, go for a hike, or go camping on a weekend together. There’s plenty of things that you can do together as a couple that are not expensive.

When I see guys that struggle in their long term relationships, like I was talking to a guy a couple of weeks ago, he’s been with his girlfriend 10 years. They got a couple kids together, they’re married and things are amazing, and the last year and a half, two years, they had bought a house. So they spent a lot of money renovating it to make it like they wanted. They spent more money than they were expecting to spend. So this guy was working a lot more to make up the money so he could pay down the bills and all the expenses of renovating the house. What he did was he paused his courtship because he’s trying to save money. His wife would complain, “We never go out. We never do anything.” He’s like, “Babe, we’re trying to save money. We got to pay all these debts off,” and all she heard was, “Nothing’s going to change. I’m not going to date you until the debts are paid off,” which is going to take a year or so more. She brought it up a number of times, and he kept giving the same excuses. He wouldn’t really listen. He wouldn’t change his approach because he was just focused, “I got to pay all these bills off.”

What ended up happening was he got in touch with me after he found out that his wife was fucking some dude from work. So it wasn’t just the dating that stopped. Because he was so busy with work, he comes home stressed out, he’s not taking the time to open her up, “Hey babe, how was your day? What’s going on with the kids?” He just wasn’t doing those things. He was like in his own little world and kind of regressed, but it’s not something that happened overnight or in a few weeks or a few months or even a few years. It was something that happened over the decade that they were together. Unfortunately, because he was in a relationship with a low character woman, because he was focused on how much he liked her, he didn’t really vet for her character. He found out that she was fucking a guy from the office for six to eight months, whatever it was when he found out, and she’s basically leaving him because she doesn’t feel anything. So he’s devastated because he’s like, “This is the mother of my children, and for the better part of the last year, she’s been fucking a guy from the office behind my back,” and he had no idea until she admitted it, and then told him she didn’t want to be married to him anymore.

You typically get six to 12 months. What I’ve seen, you’d be with a girl 30 years, and if you’re fucking up, you’re flailing around, you’re depressed, you’re not taking care of yourself or doing what you need to do as a man, most women will give you about six to 12 months on average to get your shit together and do something about it and turn yourself and your life around. If you don’t, they start looking for the exits. A high character woman is going to maybe go stay with her parents, she may just break up, get her own place, take some time to heal, get reconnected with their friends again and her hobbies, get back in the gym. Then when she’s ready and she feels she’s healed enough, she’ll start dating. Low character girls are going to be fucking the guy from the office, your next door neighbor, your business partner or some random dude that she met on a girls night out at the club with her single girlfriends. That’s just typically how those things are going to go.

A low character woman is going to burn your ass in a really savage, nasty way typically, just like my client from a few weeks ago. He’s like, “I spent 10 years with this woman,” but he stopped dating her and courting her, and he stopped making her feel heard and understood. She’d be complaining. Most of the relationship was really good, except the last couple of years when they when they got the house and they did all the renovations and stuff. As soon as they got the house, the courtship ended, the love story ended, and she complained about it and told him about it, and he just would rationalize and use logic and reason to explain it away and why they needed to wait, and she didn’t like that. Because she had low character, the guy at the office took the time to listen to her and open her up, because the husband was no longer doing that, because he was so focused on work and the extra jobs that he had and trying to earn enough money to pay back all the money that they had put into the house. So the guy from the office did all the things that he used to do. He didn’t know it, but she was having sex with the guy from the office and then coming home and having sex with him at night. He had no idea until she admitted it and then told him that she was basically going to leave him. I’ve seen countless stories over the last 20 years that I’ve been doing it. It’s just the same thing over and over and over again.

Again, as Jocko says, “Discipline equals freedom.” Even when you don’t feel like it or you’re trying to save money, you still got to date and court your wife or your girlfriend, or eventually somebody else will. You have to, even when you don’t feel like it or maybe you’re pissed off at your girlfriend or wife, you still got to open her up, you still got to talk, you still got to bond, you still got to connect. Also, you got to have the intimacy. You got to have the sexual intimacy. Statistically, healthy couples that go the distance are having sex at least two to three times a week, even after many years of being together. Most people, when you talk to them that have been in a relationship for years, they’re having sex one or two times a month, maybe. Usually like every other week, typically. Usually the husband is upset that it’s not enough and the wife doesn’t feel like it because she doesn’t feel safe, because the man’s not taking care of things like he once used to.

Again, high character women are going to leave you, and the low character women are either going to cheat on you, or they will line up the new guy and then dump you or tell you after the fact that, “Oops, it just kind of happened. He ended up inside me.” That’s the downside. If you don’t date and court your girl, eventually some other guy will. Depending on her character level, it will determine how mature, pleasant and loving the breakup is, or how nasty, vindictive and evil a low character woman can be. She won’t care about screwing you over.

With that in mind, let’s go through his email. This is a success story, but we’re trying to prevent him from having a horror story. So those are two big things: The courtship ends, and the woman stops being heard and understood. I just see the same pattern over and over again.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for all the knowledge you have provided me over the last few years since I’ve started following your work. I have read your book at least eight times over the last few years, and it has helped me Immensely. I was in a very toxic relationship for five years. I stayed longer than I should have ended things with her.

Most people tend to linger and stay too long or stay longer than they should, so it’s pretty common. What women tend to often do is they make things so miserable for the guy that eventually he leaves, or they hope the guy will get the hint and end the relationship. If they don’t, which typically most guys won’t, 70%-75% of the time, women are the ones that are initiating the divorce, and most of the time, the guys are like, “I didn’t think she meant it. I didn’t think she was serious. I didn’t see it coming.”

I took some time to work on myself, get back in the gym, work on my business, etc. I went on countless dates and had a lot of fun, I wrote out my ideal relationship like you talk about in your book, and I promised myself I would not settle down until I found that person I eventually met and I couldn’t be happier. She is literally everything I want in a partner. she’s beautiful, funny very respectful, honest and treats me right. I’ve never met anybody like her. we are now engaged, live together and we are trying for a baby.

My question to you is this how do I maintain a healthy level of attraction from her? We are on great terms, we never fight, we get along great, communication is on point.

Like I said, the two biggest reasons why relationships end is the guy stops dating and courting his girlfriend or his wife. The second one is he just doesn’t take the time to make her feel heard and understood. If a woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs close and then the guy gets pissed off because he’s not getting any pussy, then he stops dating and courting her because he doesn’t feel like taking her out because he’s like, “What’s the point?” The family that plays together stays together.

Love is playful and fun. There’s going to be times, especially if you’re following what’s in the book, your biggest problem as a guy is your girl is typically going to be complaining that you’re not having enough sex with her, you don’t have sex with her enough. She’s going to want it more from you than you do from her. That’s the best place to be as a man, because most men are suffering from a pussy embargo in their relationships. Then to fix that, they want to complain about it, and then complaining about it instead of fixing and getting back to the basics of what they did originally to get the woman to fall in love is what most of them never do. They complain, they’re mad. It’s hard to want to have sex with somebody when you’re mad at each other, or you don’t like each other, or you feel like the other person doesn’t listen or they don’t consider you. It’s like a lot of little things build up over time.

The healthier relationships that go the distance, again two to three times a week you’re having sex. That’s the bear. That’s typically what you see. When it’s less than once a week or it’s bi-weekly or once a month, those relationships typically end in divorce or they end in a breakup. So there’s going to be times as a man, if you’re really applying the book where your girl is going to be horny, you’re going to be tired and you’re not going to feel like having sex, but you’re going to need to perform as a man to give her the happy finishes, because that shows her that you care. That is one of the best things that keep your girl with a good attitude, is to be fucking her properly and fucking her continuously.

Again, that’s part of the courtship, that’s part of the romance. If the communication is open, you’re dating and having fun together, you’re having good sex, you’re making sure she’s fulfilled in the bedroom, she’s going to love having sex with you. She’s going to want it more from you than you do from her. If you don’t date and court her or you don’t make her feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close and it’s going to feel like pulling teeth. That’s really hard for a lot of guys to pull themselves out of those situations, especially if you’re in a relationship with a low character woman. When her needs aren’t being met, she’s just going to start giving other men the green light to try to seduce her because her needs aren’t being met.

I don’t have much to complain about, but I’m just trying to be proactive. This girl is awesome and I just don’t want to get complacent and mess it up. I would rather write this email now and get your two cents before complacency kicks in and I start to get sloppy.

Well, the longer you’re together, the more you’ll be inclined to get sloppy. It’s like I said, the big problems really start when, like I said, when they bought a house, or maybe they just had the first kid or they got a couple of kids. It’s typically not something that happens in the first year or two. Like I said, that one client. They were together almost 10 years, but the last year and a half, two years since they got the house, because he was spending way more money than they should have on renovating the house and making it right, he figured he could just pause the courtship, even though he knew that was a no no from the book. He did it anyways. He just didn’t think, “We got kids together. We got a 30-year mortgage. What’s the worst can happen? We won’t go out and do as much,” and he just hadn’t gone out with her taking her out on a date in months. They were still having sex, but she was complaining a lot and she wasn’t happy. On top of that, she was fucking somebody else from the office. If she didn’t keep sleeping with her husband and refused to sleep with him, but she’s fucking some guy at the office, then the husband would have picked up on that something’s there. So it just shows how manipulative that particular ex-wife to be was because, again, he didn’t do a good job of vetting her character when they were dating because he was so focused on landing her.

I must admit, I have been slacking bit in the gym and I know I have to pick back up with that.

It’s like what you do to get her to fall in love is what you do to keep her and love. This is typically what happens. If you saw any of the videos I did with Kuong, who owns a CrossFit gym, some of the ones I did with him and Dominic, he sees a cycle. Guys come in like, “Oh, I just had a breakup.” They got to lose weight, they got to get fit, they got to get in shape. Usually 90 days, six months, they get fit, they get in shape, they look good. Then they typically meet somebody else from the gym and they start dating. Then in six months, neither him nor the girl are coming to the gym anymore. Then a year, year and a half later, both of them are rejoining the gym. They’re both overweight, they’re both out of shape, they had a breakup. It’s like guys are disciplined until they get what they want, and then they want to coast. Then they stop doing all the things that made them successful.

When I was in real estate, I used to see that with my sales people. I’d have guys that were just killing it, just selling clients left and right, bringing in money left and right, and all of a sudden their pipeline dries up and they got nothing. Nothing happening, nothing coming in, and they’re going, “I don’t understand what’s going on. Nobody’s buying, I’m not making any offers.” Then when I would sit down with him, I said, “OK, well tell me what you did with the last five clients. How much time did you spend in your buyer’s consultation?” What you would see every single time was, normally they would spend an hour, hour and a half just shooting the shit when the clients came in to do a buyer’s consultation, and that was an essential part of creating rapport with the clients, getting them to like you, to trust you because then you they feel like they’re working with a friend, but if they just would come in and they would sit down and he starts showing them properties and go out and show them properties, there wasn’t real rapport between him and his clients. So he felt like a salesperson. They didn’t have any loyalty or any attachment to him one way or another. Whereas if he had taken time to get to know him, they would have liked him and they would have looked past, maybe he was a little short with them one time, or maybe he didn’t listen. The guy gets busy, he gets focused, and he just cuts the amount of time down that he would spend with the clients, and they would stop doing the little things that made them successful. I would get him refocused on that, go through the process of the buyer’s consultation again with them, reiterate all the basics and the fundamentals, and within a few weeks, they would start filling their pipeline up again.

That’s what happens. When you get busy, when life happens, when you get kids, you’re going to soccer practice and all these different things, you’re pressed for time. You start cutting corners. It starts, “OK, I’ll go to the gym tomorrow night,” or “I’ll go this weekend.” Then next thing you know, you haven’t been in the gym in six months, your pants are getting tight, your neck’s getting a little bigger, you’re starting to have a couple extra chins. It just happens slowly. Then you stop dating and courting her because you’re trying to save money or you’re too busy, you’re trying to land some other big clients so you can make money, you can put a pool in the house or whatever, or make some extra money to send your kids to a private school. Little by little, what happens over the months and years is you just stop doing the little things that made you successful.

Just like he said, he was slacking in the gym. That’s what happens. You get into a relationship like, “Yeah, that’s good, I’ll do it tomorrow.” The next thing you know, you haven’t been in the gym in six months and your muscles are like, “Pfft,” you shrink and your skin gets a little wrinkly because you’re shrinking. You just have to be disciplined. Even when you don’t feel like it, you got to force yourself to do it. Especially if you take care of your body, you always look attractive, you always look good. Especially when you go out with your girl, other women notice, and your wife, your girlfriend, is going to be more attracted to you if they notice that other women are staring at you, checking you out or sometimes coming up to you and trying to talk to you. If you just turn into a fat slob, then no other women pay attention to you anymore, then your wife or your girlfriend is going to not feel that she needs to be on her toes, and she won’t be worried about potentially losing you to another woman.

What you do to get her is what you do to keep her. You got to remain the same guy that you were that she fell in love with originally. Like I said, the longer people are together, life happens. It’s going to happen. You’re going to get complacent at some point. It happens to me. It happens to everybody. No matter how good you are or how much you know this stuff, everybody screws up with it. The key is to recognize when you’ve screwed up, apologize to your partner when you haven’t been paying attention or dating or courting her like you should, or taking the time to open her up and then get back to the basics. Get back to the fundamentals. Again, it’s something you have to discipline yourself to do. Maybe you write a to-do list of things that you have to do every week to maintain your relationship, and no matter what, those things have to get done week in and week out. That’s what you have to do, but it requires you to participate in your own rescue. Nobody’s going to do it for you.

I know the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever, but like I said, I just want to be proactive so I’m not in a position where I have to dig myself out of a hole. Any suggestions to keep the spark alive?

Love is playful and fun. The family that plays together, stays together.

Again, thanks for all of your content. Don’t think I’d be here without your help.

Bob

Well, thanks for this success story.

This is the the way you want to be. You want to be proactive, but like I said, the more years you’re together, the harder it is because it’s like we kind of go to sleep slowly in the relationship, and the next thing you know, you wake up like one of my clients. Been together 10 years, you hadn’t been on a date with your girlfriend or your wife in six months, a year, whatever it is, because you’re trying to save money. You notice she’s kind of distant. Then you see her on her phone, she’s always turning it over. Every time you walk in the room, she’s walking out of the room. When she gets phone calls, doesn’t tell you who it is. Then you go through her phone, then you find out she’s talking to some dude from the office and sending them nudes. Then you keep reading, and then you realize it looks like they’re fucking. That’s just not something that you want to find out. If you don’t date and court your wife or girlfriend, eventually some other guy will. Low character women will fuck another guy, even when you’re in a relationship with them. High character women will end the relationship, take some time to heal, and then when they’re ready, they’ll start dating again. Like I said, it’s all on you. Discipline really truly does equal freedom, like Jocko Willink says. So be like Jocko.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.