How to know if you’re coming on too strong if she starts backing away.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has only been following my work for about two weeks. He was dating a woman he met on Bumble for about three and a half weeks, but then she started backing away, told him she was not over her ex and tried to friendzone him. He declined and told her to get in touch if she changed her mind.
He says, if he doesn’t hear from her in a few months that he will reach out to her again and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What I liked about this email is this is exactly the type of thing that a lot of guys experience when they meet a girl they really like. They start texting 24/7, they start spending a bunch of time together, and then usually by the second, third or fourth week, the woman starts backing away. And by that point, they’re already heavily invested in or they’re overpursuing, they don’t realize it, and they’re literally chasing the woman right out of their lives and turning her off.
It takes time for women to fall in love. They fall in love slowly over time. And if you’re following what’s in How To Be A 3% Man, usually by about week seven, is typically where they start to fall in love, feel the feelings of being in love, and start asking questions like, “Where is this going? Where do you see this going? What are you looking for?” bringing up the relationship and the commitment. But until they feel that inside, it’s better if the guy just takes measured steps, and as she starts to reach out and starts to pursue more, then he sets more dates.
This guy obviously did the opposite of that, and you can see the effects are predictable. She even tried to friendzone him, but he politely declined. And now he’s wondering what’s going to happen next or what he should do. Because even though he told her to get in touch if she changed her mind, he’s thinking, “Oh, I’ll wait a month or two, and then I’ll reach out.” The important thing is, you’ve got to be congruent with what you say. You can’t say one thing and then do another if you want a woman to trust your masculine core. In other words, if you want her to trust that your word actually means something, your words and your actions have to be congruent.
Oftentimes, what you’ll see is guys start to overpursue, because deep down, what’s typically happened is they didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. So, they don’t really believe in themselves. They don’t really believe in what they bring to the table. And they don’t understand that women are kind of like cats. They might be really hot for you one day, and the next day they’re lukewarm. And you can’t take that personally. You’ve just got to understand their emotions are always in flux and be patient and take your time.
If you know anything about cats, when cats get bored, they tend to take off and they go roam the neighborhood. And when you do nothing and you just let them be, they come back when they feel like coming back. Women kind of operate that way, based upon their emotions, which are always changing, and men shouldn’t get wrapped up in that and take it personally or think it has something to do with them.
When guys are already predisposed to think they’re not good enough and they don’t deserve to have what they want, then they start trying to force things. When the woman starts to back away, they start trying to contact her more, text or more, spend more time together, ask questions like “What’s going on? Where do we stand?” This just communicates a lack of confidence in yourself, and it’s unattractive. And then the women start backing away even more, because instead of the guy acting masculine and sure of himself, now he’s acting like a needy little boy that needs more strokes.
I just found your material about 2 weeks ago and love your work. I have read your book twice and am working on the third time now. I have also seen a bunch of your videos as well.
This is typically what people do, who are serious students, but you can understand this guy is obviously probably experiencing a lot of emotional pain, because he really liked this girl. And so, he’s trying to turn things around and he’s doing everything he can to prepare himself. At least right now, he is.
Where a lot of guys go wrong in this situation is they start reading the book a bunch, they start dating other women. They let the girl go when she’s backed away, and then she starts reaching back out, and they basically go right back to the same overpursuing behavior. Then the same thing happens all over again.
The idea is we want you to be consistent, so if she does start to come back, you’ll allow her to come at her own pace. Because love is allowing, after all. You’re allowing her to come and go as she pleases. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. If they feel free to come and go, over time, they’ll actually want to spend more time with you, because you’re not trying to control them. You’re just letting them be.
You’re unperturbed, either way. You’re happy if they’re with you, but if they’re not with you, you’re just as happy and you just look at them being in your life as a bonus – not as something that has to happen, or else it’s the end of the world.
I was dating this girl that I met on Bumble where everything was going great and was completely effortless for about 3 – 3.5 weeks. This was before I found your work and became familiar with the fundamentals, etc. She was texting me 24/7 and we hung out about 6-7 times between dinner dates and hanging at her place. We were hooking up and all was good. She checks all of the boxes on my list. Needless to say she knocks my socks off!
So, the thing to understand about this is it really doesn’t matter how much she knocks your socks off or how much you really, really super duper like her. That has no effect on her attraction. What women care about is how they feel about you, and they have to have time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, to become a little unsure of themselves, wondering if you feel the same way.
Where guys get themselves into trouble, they can tell that she’s not as into them as they are into her, and then they try to force things. They try to force interactions, they try to spend more time, instead of just not taking it personally and just letting her be. That’s why I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” you want to start out with one date per week. Seeing each other several times a week, that’s fine if she’s doing all of the pursuing.
Say you had a date on Monday, things went great, and then Tuesday she reaches out to tell you how great the date was or how much fun she had. Then you use that as an opportunity to set the next date, because she’s reaching out to you. And so, you have two or three dates that week just because she reached out a day or two after the date and you set the next one. She was excited to see you.
But what happens in those cases, say you see each other three times in a week, and then the next week you’re thinking, “Oh, I’ll probably see a repeat of that. We’ll talk on Monday, we’ll go out on Tuesday.” And then what happens is you don’t hear from her Monday or Tuesday, and then maybe Wednesday, late in the day, she sends you a text. Well, most guys don’t wait until she reaches out, because in that case, you’re really just going to fall back, just like the book says, to the once-a-week principle.
You’re never going to try to initiate more than one date when you’re doing all of the reaching out, which is what typically happens in the very beginning. But as the woman starts to become more attracted, she starts to put more effort in to see you, and contact you, and spend time with you. And what happens is, when you’re available 24/7, then she expects it all the time. Now, you’ve kind of trained her to expect it. You’re at her beck and call, and that’s not a good way to go. Guys that are at her beck and call become the butler and the gay male girlfriend, not the guy that she sleeps with.
The other thing is, he’s like ,”she already checks all my boxes.” Well, you’ve known her for three, three and a half weeks. You don’t really know that. Right now, you see the fantasy of what you believe she is. You’re projecting your high interest onto her, and you’re not really being objective. You should have the attitude of, “Is this girl good for me? Does she have her act together? Is she emotionally stable? Is she healthy? Is she ready, willing, able and open to dating and having a relationship? Or is she an emotional mess?” These are things you don’t know when you first start dating someone, because people can hide who they are for about the first ninety days.
She was showing an extremely high level of interest as well, so that definitely made things easier, but I was certainly too available for her and doing some beta things that I wasn’t aware of until I read your book.
All of a sudden around the 3 – 3.5 week mark, we hung out on a Monday night at her place after I took her to dinner. The entire evening went great per usual, and she texted me later that night after I left to make sure I got home okay. We also made plans in person that night for me to stay over her place on the following Saturday.
So, keep in mind, he’s on a date, and yet he’s making future dates. That’s a no-no. That’s what a needy guy does. The needy guy does that, because he’s afraid if he doesn’t make a date when he’s with her and get her to commit to it, that a few days go by and she won’t want to see him. Whereas, somebody that has a healthy self-esteem is like, “Oh yeah, of course she’ll want to see me Saturday. And if she doesn’t, hey, I’ll go hang out with somebody else.”
After that, I did not hear from her for a couple days, which was out of the ordinary since she usually texts me non-stop every day. I waited until Thursday night to send her a text and see how she was doing.
He wasn’t reaching out to see how she was doing. He was reaching out to find out if she was still interested, because obviously he doubts himself. And this is part of his problem.
She was very slow to respond, (again unlike her).
Well, it just shows her interest has dropped, because now you’re no longer a priority to her. And you’ve got to pay attention to these things, but not take it personally. But if he had a definite date set, he should not have been reaching out. Especially if she’s squirrelly and she’s backed away, this is where you’ve got to give her the time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you and also to show that you’re unperturbed. You’re not bothered by it.
You’re busy, focused on your mission and your purpose, and in your mind, you’re looking forward to seeing her Saturday. And besides, you’ve only known her three, three and a half weeks. She’s not your girlfriend. You don’t treat her like your wife.
But we had a few normal messages back and forth until later that night she said that she is sorry, but she can’t get together on Saturday anymore.
So, he’s overpursuing. Again, he had a definite date, so there’s no reason to reach out to her, but he’s reaching out because he needs validation. He needs an “atta boy,” he needs an “I still like you. I still care about you.” And women can feel that. They can sense when a guy has confidence, because confident men don’t need reassurance that she’s still interested, especially after three and a half weeks of hooking up and seeing each other several times a week.
The guy that gets worried is the guy that this kind of thing never happens to. And women like you more if they have the impression or get the feeling that other women are really into you.
I responded, “No problem, we can just hang some other time. Is everything okay?”
Which again, is another statement of “Do you still like me?”
She then told me that she had found out that her ex of 9 years, (they broke up about a year ago), was already dating and living with a new girl. She thought that she was completely over him and didn’t expect to feel this way when she found out, but she clearly still has feelings for him.
So, something like that, if she’s feeling upset, I would crack a joke. You could say, “Well, you can always tell him that you upgraded and you found a better, more handsome, sexier guy in myself, of course. That should make you feel better.” Say something like that to her. Communicate in a playful way that, hey, she upgraded with you. Versus, “Oh, why don’t you want to hang out with me?” That’s the kind of vibe that you end up giving off otherwise.
She also told me that she deals a lot with depression and anxiety, that the news really messed her up emotionally, and that she didn’t want to drag me down with her negative energy.
You could just say, “Well, we’re going to have to turn that frown upside down and go out and have some fun. Get your mind off of things, and get you laughing and saying, “Oh, oh…” obviously in your name, joking around, being playful. Because whatever you make her feel when she’s talking to you or interacting with you is what she’s going to feel.
But if you turn into the emotional tampon or her therapist and go, “Oh, I’m really sorry that you’re feeling that way. Oh darn, that’s just really sad to hear that your ex boyfriend of nine years you broke up with a whole year ago is with another girl. Oh, that’s really sad. Oh, poor thing. What else?” Then you turn into her therapist and her gay male girlfriend, and then she stops sleeping with you.
Instead of having this conversation over text, I asked her to get together, so we got coffee that following Tuesday.
Coffee is a platonic thing. Your job as a man is just simply create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and hook up.
We got together, and she did not look well. I could tell that she hadn’t been sleeping much, and I also noticed that she deleted her Bumble and Tinder accounts over the weekend.
The other thing you’ve got to look at and be honest about is that she did say she’s been suffering from depression. I mean, maybe she’s got mental health issues that she should be dealing with. What you’re looking for is a woman who is ready, willing, able and open to dating. And what she’s basically telling you is that “I’m kind of screwed up right now.” So, instead of going, “I’m going to save her, I’m going to be a white knight. I’m going to fix all of her problems,” you should be like, “I don’t know if this girl is really in the same place that I am, so I’m going to keep my options open.”
“As much as I like her, I don’t want to become her therapist. I’m not trying to fix somebody. I want somebody that’s already got their shit together. If she was with a guy for nine years and broke up a year ago, that she’s over it and she’s looking forward to something new.”
She told me that she really likes me and enjoys being with me, but that she doesn’t want to lead me or anyone else on because she is still fighting feelings for her ex.
Because obviously this guy’s been coming on way too strong, texting her too much, looking for validation, and she can feel the pressure that he’s expecting a relationship. He’s already treating her like his girlfriend, at this point.
She was literally choking up and holding back tears, so I could tell she was genuine. I asked her if she wanted to continue hanging out and having a good time together.
So, in other words, “Do you still like me, at least? “Not a good way to go.
But she wanted to hang as friends.
Again, if she’s upset, you hold her, you console her, it’s like, “Well, the good news is you like seeing me naked!” Go have fun with her, make her laugh, make her giggle. It’s called a pattern interrupt. You interrupt her pattern when she’s upset like that, and it makes her laugh and makes her giggle. It makes her feel good. That’s the important thing. You want her to feel good when she’s with you.
My response was that I adore her and love spending time with her, but I am not going to be her male-girlfriend, and that if I was going to hang with her, I wanted to maintain our intimacy and to let me know if she changes her mind. She respected that and we ended on a good note.
Again, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and hook up. He made the mistake of, “Hey, let’s go get coffee and let’s do something platonic.” So, he cockblocked himself there. It’s a bad way to go.
The reality is, if you’re on a date in the evening and say she starts crying about the boyfriend, you can get her to talk about it, and listen to her and get her to open up. But after she expresses herself and shares her feelings, then you’re going to seduce her, because you were being a good listener. Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close.
That was 2 weeks ago, and I have not contacted her at all or heard from her since. My question is, do you think she is simply emotionally unavailable right now, or that she just isn’t interested anymore?
Well, she’s definitely emotionally unavailable, but you overpursued and her interest has dropped dramatically. And instead of just being playful and fun and listening to her and opening her up, you’re basically, “Do you still like me? Oh, you don’t like me? Okay. Well, have a nice life then.”
Weird how things were going, even after we got together that Monday night, and then all a sudden went cold turkey. I do feel like the news about her ex is the driver, but I could also be blinded by my attraction for her.
You’re definitely blinded by your attraction for her, because there’s some red flags here that communicate she may be a mess. She might not be good girlfriend material at this point in her life, or ever. You don’t really know her yet. You’ve only known her for three and a half weeks and you’ve already assumed that she’s the perfect girl, the woman you’re going to have your children with, basically, from what you’ve been talking about and the tone of your email. But you barely know this girl.
I plan to keep the no contact rule until at least after the new year.
Dude, you told her to get in touch with you. As a man who is comfortable and confident in himself, if you tell a woman to get in touch, you’re giving her the opportunity to choose you as well, to make you a priority. When you tell her to get in touch and then you only can hold out for a few weeks, and then after the new year you start chasing her again, that’s a bad way to go. Now, you’re not congruent with your words. You said one thing, and now you’re doing another. That’s just not attractive. Women don’t like it.
But might reach out after that to see how she is doing. I am dating a few other women in the meantime, but I cannot stop thinking about her, because she is one of those 3-5 year girls!
Would love your thoughts and feedback.
Again, you don’t know her well enough to make that decision. You’re projecting your high interest, because you’re desperate for a relationship, onto her, and you’re ignoring the fact that there’s a good chance this girl’s a fruit loop, and she’s an emotional mess, and just not good girlfriend material.
You’ve got to see things as they are, not better than they are or worse than they are, but as they are. And consistently, since you’ve spent time with this girl, you only see the good. You are ignoring all the red flags that are starting to pop up, and you’re like, “Oh, she’s perfect. If I could just fix her, it’ll solve everything.” Versus just going out with a girl that’s got her act together. And that’s what you’re looking for, easygoing, easy to get along with. She’s ready, willing, able and open to dating and having a relationship.
Based on this girl’s actions in what she’s told you, she should go a little further back in your bench. She shouldn’t be your first string. She should be maybe your third string. Maybe put her on the practice squad, if you will. Because when you’re on the practice squad, you’re not good enough for game day. Since she’s on the practice squad, she can develop herself and work on herself. You told her to get in touch, and when she gets her shit together, if she likes you, and she hasn’t completely lost attraction, and she’s normal, she’ll reach out. And if not, you might not hear from her.
I would never call her or text her again for any reason, because that’s what you told her. You have to be congruent with that. That’s what a man does. He’s comfortable with it, because he’s got the attitude of “I want to spend my time with somebody that’s got their shit together, not somebody that’s a mess. Because I’ve got my act together. I want a girl that’s on the same level.” Otherwise you’re always going to be dealing with her problems and her issues, instead of just having something normal between you.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“You should only spend your time with people who are excited to see you. If you love and value yourself, you won’t want to spend your time with people who make you feel like an option. If you have a low opinion of yourself, you’ll make excuses for somebody’s low interest in you and stick around hoping to change their mind. Why? We act consistently with how we view ourselves to be. Life is about setup. Create a social life revolving around your passions, hobbies and interests and people who like the same things. Like attracts like. People who like the same things tend to like each other. You attract how you act.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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