How To Know When Touching Is Or Isn’t Ok On A Date

How to know when it’s ok to start touching a woman while on a date.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who thinks he has a good grasp on being a 3% Man. However, he shares how 3 of his recent Hinge dates have gone. It’s clear he is touching women and showing affection when it’s not ok and he doesn’t realize this. I explain what to look for and when to escalate physical touch. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How To Know When Touching Is Or Isn’t Ok On A Date”.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who seems to think he’s got a pretty good grasp on 3% Man. However, he shares three different dates that he’s been on with three different; in other words, he went out with three different women from Hinge. So it kind of gives a play by play, and it’s pretty obvious he’s touching women and showing affection when it’s not okay, and he doesn’t realize this. He says he’s been through the book 12 times. But when I see somebody doing this, because everything in the book is designed to. And if you’re new and you haven’t read it yet, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com.

Just subscribe to the Email Newsletter, put your email address, your first name and create a password, and then just hit submit. And the book will open up right in your web browser, and so you can read it for free. And so the book is designed to create the conditions where, right from the very beginning, when you start talking to her, interacting with her, before you even start talking to her, the conditions get created to where she pursues you. Because if a woman is always chasing you, you don’t have to worry about getting dumped. And women are natural chasers, even though they say, “well, I want a man to pursue me.”

It’s true. In the beginning the man has to initiate dates. He’s got to meet her. He’s got to approach her if it’s in public, if it’s online, he’s got a text a few times back and forth, and then get on a phone call for a few minutes, or even better, a FaceTime chat if you can manage that to pre-screen women so you don’t waste your time and then you just you got to create the conditions when you’re with her, where you’re taking measured steps. Again, this book lays it out step by step for you how to do that. How often to go out on dates, how often to call in the beginning, all those kinds of things. And so the man starts the courtship.

But as a woman’s interest grows, and typically in the West, most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date when they’re into him, and he’s not talking them out of dating and sleeping with them. And so usually after that happens, but sometimes before the woman will then start reaching out and texting every couple of days. Even if it’s just something simple like, “Hey, I had a great time the other night. You know, it was really great meeting you. Look forward to seeing you again.” Or something like that.

And then you just make the next date when you hear from her. “Hey, awesome hearing from you. I had a great time too. I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule like?” And then you just make the next date. And as the weeks go by, usually the third or fourth week in, the woman’s reaching out 2 or 3 times a week. At that point, you don’t really need to initiate contact anymore because she’s already reaching out every couple of days.

And by the time you get into a relationship, about two months later if you’re following what’s in the book, she’s going to be calling, texting you, FaceTiming you, usually multiple times throughout the day, and she’s either going to be at your house or you’re going to be at hers every night. That’s just typically how it naturally evolves when you put what’s in the book. And so that also includes physical touch, because the book lays out when a woman is attracted to you, what does she do? She plays with her hair. She exposes her neck. She reaches over, touches your arm.

If you’re walking down the street together, she’s kind of bumping into you occasionally. If you’re walking side by side and as your arms are swinging, her hands start to bump yours. In other words, the woman initiates physical touch and physical contact when she feels open to you. And then when that happens, then you can slowly reciprocate. If you want to kiss her but you’re not sure she’s ready, you can always use “The Kiss Test” (Page 164), which is laid out in the book. And if the response is positive, then you just go for the kiss and you don’t ever have to worry about getting rejected.

But this guy is clearly either bullshitting us about how many times he’s read the book, or maybe he’s just listening to it as background noise and not really taking it seriously and paying attention to it. Because, like, if you’re working out and you’re getting interrupted or you’re daydreaming and you’re doing other things there, your mind is going, you’re not really 100% focused on it. The best way to learn the material that’s in the book is to sit at home, or in your office, or even in your car, and listen to the audiobook on 2X while you follow along in a digital or physical copy.

So your eyes are looking at the words as they’re being spoken and you’re hearing them. That forces your brain to 100% concentrate on the task at hand, which is the words being spoken and seeing them as they’re being spoken. That way there’s no distractions. You know, you’re not driving in your car and honking at the assholes that drive slow in the left lane, or the people that cut you off, or the feral humans that just do all kinds of crazy shit on the road. And so again, you’ve got to really, maybe that’s what happened. Maybe he’s just listening to it.

And there’s always doing other things and not really focused on the material. And so he’s missing some really key things here, because it’s pretty clear from how these women are responding that he’s touching and initiating and escalating way too soon before he got the invitation. And again, the reason why you wait for her to bump into you and it doesn’t mean you have to, but it’s better if you let her start bumping and initiating contact, especially if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Or you’re new to my work and you haven’t really learned the ebb and flow of how women operate when touching is okay and they want to be close to you, they’ll literally physically touch you and bump into you, or stand extra close to where they’re bumping into you. And if they’re standing at a distance and their arms are crossed in front of them, their legs are turned away. They’re not open to you. So you’ve got to pay attention to those things. And again, I lay that stuff out in the book. Plus, I did a Video years ago, “Body Language That Attracts Women”, which is probably 15 years old, but 150 years from now, that will still be legit. So let’s go through his e-mail.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’d love if I could get your advice on this. You did a video on a couple of my previous emails about the Iranian girl, who although I thought was a good match at first, I just didn’t develop any feelings for so moved on. I have been learning your material for years and feel like I have a good grasp of how to act like a 3% Man. I have listened to the audiobook 12 times now. I’m sure I make some mistakes, but I definitely do a lot more right than wrong. Anyway, since her I have been on three dates all through Hinge. First one, really attractive Indian girl. We had a couple drinks, lots of laughs but I think I made a couple errors. I hugged her when we were sat next to each other and she said, “Oh that forward for a first date. But it’s fine.”

When a woman says, “it’s fine”, it’s not fine. So, you just, you read that and you’re like, that looks awkward. It looks like he’s bending over, leaning into her and touching her and pulling her in. When he like just met her. So it’s like some women are open and receptive and want to give you a hug, and others are kind of standoffish. And so she was clearly standoffish. And he did. He misread her body language.

I said, “I think you’re over thinking things”, but I obviously gave some mystery away.

“I think you’re overthinking things.” So now he’s using logic and reason to basically argue with her.

I teased her mercilessly about a couple of things she said as well.

Well, as the book says, 90% of the time you’re the charming James Bond. You’re a good listener. You’re asking questions that are open ended, that are not going to end with a yes or no answer. It’s, “Tell me about the things you love to do.” Or, “What do you love to do for fun or stuff like that?” Something where she has to emote and tell and share things that she’s into, or something that may be going on in her life or whatever. And you do most of the listening that helps you remain a mystery.

And the more she talks, because this is basic, anybody that’s being been in sales and you know, guys that are in sales always do really well with my book because they already understand a lot of this stuff because they’re used to opening people up. So what creates rapport? What causes somebody that’s a total stranger to like you? Well, it’s really just taking a sincere, authentic interest in who they are and asking them questions. Being curious where they grew up, what they do for a living, what they love to do for fun. Just basic things.

Maybe something interesting that’s going on in the world or her life, or something funny that happened, or whatever, or a funny meme that was on Twitter, or whatever it happens to be. You let her do most of the talking, and you look in the eyes and you listen and every few minutes you repeat a little bit of it back to her. Maybe every 10, 15 minutes you repeat a little bit just to let her know that’s how you communicate that you’re actually listening to what she said. That makes her feel like you like her, you care. You’re actually interested in who she is as a woman and a human being, and you’re not just trying to get into her pants.

It’s very disarming. And then if she initially starts out with arms crossed, and then you notice that the arms go down, her knees maybe crossed and pointed away from you, and then they flip around and then they’re pointed towards you. So those are all just simple, subtle things. Again, they’re laid out in the book. But I mean, this guy claims to have read/listened to it 12 times and follow me for years and seems to think he’s got a real good grasp of the material, but it’s surprising that he’s going on a first date and giving a girl a hug, and she’s calling him out on it, saying basically she doesn’t feel comfortable, even though she said it’s fine. When a woman says, “it’s fine.” It’s not fine.

She didn’t like that, and he did not have the sensory acuity or a good enough understanding of body language to recognize that she wasn’t open to him yet. So it’s premature touching there. And the other thing is, you know, if he says, “I teased her mercilessly”, if you’re cracking a joke about every single thing she says, or making fun of her about it, that’s going to make you look insecure and weird, and that’s not going to create rapport.

It’s the 90% charming James Bond, 10% teasing her, being the bad boy kind of thing. Making fun of her a little bit. Not in a mean way, but in a playful way, treating her like the bratty little sister occasionally. But if you’re constantly harping on things over and over, it’s going to come off as like, you’re weird and awkward and you’re nervous and you’re trying to make up for something, and the woman’s just not going to feel safe or comfortable with you.

I walked her home and kissed her. The next morning I got a message saying she wasn’t getting long term relationship vibes from me. I drank a little too much and was evidently a little to unrestrained. 

Another guy that drank too much. If you’re a drinker, and especially if you drink wine or liquor, it’s like, I like the act of drinking. It’s like if I got something in my hand, it’s just naturally going to be doing this. And so to keep from getting shitfaced, don’t be drinking craft beers or IPAs because the alcohol content is really high in those. Drink light beer. Watered down light beer with something like a Miller Lite is typically what I’m going to be drinking if I’m out with friends or whatever.

And then every two glasses or so suck down an 8 or 10 ounce glass of water just to help your body flush it out so you don’t get too drunk. And especially on a date. But he didn’t do that. He didn’t exercise self control. He was a little drunk. So he’s probably too touchy feely paying attention to his interest in her. And she was just probably like, this guy was handsy, weird and creepy, and had his hands all over her, and he just had no clue that she wasn’t open to it. And probably he said and did things that were just unattractive. So the next day she’s like, I’m out.

Next a very attractive girl who was a Surgeon. We were completely different people, she played Dungeons and Dragons. I am not into anything nerdy really. I held back with my level of teasing due to the feedback from the other date.

Okay, so yeah, what was another thing he didn’t really kind of mention. But the fact he says, “I teased her mercilessly”, that means it’s like the teasing was just so over the top and ripping on her constantly, that it just made him come across as weird and awkward and something was off with him, because that’s not normal. The ratio that’s in the book, 90% James Bond, 10% of the time you’re the bad boy. You treat her like a bratty little sister, that kind of thing.

I wanted to take her to play mini golf, and she said she had work early.

So she’s already basically saying, hey, look at the time, I’m gonna have to dip soon.

Although I believe I acted like an attractive man but there was no click.

So if you’re on a date with a girl and she’s talking about ending it early, “Oh, I got to get home. I got to get up early in the morning”, and she’s just not having a good time. She’s not feeling it, and she wants to leave. So I mean, that’s going to happen to you. And especially if you’re doing online dating. He didn’t meet her in person. He met her online. If you met her in person, you’ll know right away if you click or not, because the conversation will flow. If the conversation doesn’t flow when you meet in person, she doesn’t seem excited to talk to you.

Say, “Hey, it was nice chatting with you. Have a great night, have a great day”, whatever. And then move on. But you can’t really do that with online dating unless you talk on the phone, or even better, if you FaceTime before you agree to make a date or meet. Because then you can screen out these kinds of instances. Because again, if you can’t have a good conversation on the phone, you should meet.

I messaged her five days later, I didn’t care about seeing her again because I wasn’t feeling it. I was just curious what her response would be more than anything. She didn’t want to meet again. I said, “No worries, all the best.”

That’s pretty obvious when she’s wanting to leave early, it’s over.

The third was yesterday. I set a plan to meet at a coffee shop in a park. It was due to rain, she suggested somewhere else, as I’ve never been to this town I agreed. We have a lot in common, similar values, see the world the same way, spirituality. There was fun and banter. She joked, touched me and seemed to be really enjoying the conversation. It stopped raining, she said let’s go for a walk around the park. I said no because I wanted to take the lead back. So I took her to the mini gold round the corner. I love golf. She was making loads of innuendos and seemed to be having a good time.

So her attitude seems completely different than the first two girls. So she seems, at least at this point in the email, more interested than the other two. Second was clearly not. First one was turned off because he basically got too drunk and sounded like he made an ass of himself.

I may have been a liberal with the hugs and stuff again. She didn’t seem to want to leave as she asked could play this basketball game. So we did and then we left because I wanted to miss the rush hour traffic. 

Are you doing a day date? Sounds like he probably had to drive for a long distance to go meet her.

We both parked in the same car park. She said ok have a nice drive home. I went to hug her, she said, “Okay a hug”. I could feel from that response that she wasn’t going to kiss me so said, “How about a kiss goodbye?” She said, “I don’t do that and turned her cheek.”

It’s like you don’t ask for a kiss. Again, you said you’ve been following me for years, and you’ve been through the book 12 times, and you think you know it pretty well. It’s like when I read that kind of display, no sensory acuity, no self-awareness. You sound like a guy that hasn’t even picked up the book yet. Again, if you really have listened to it 12 times, you’re not focused on it. It was background noise. That’s why I said it’s like, man, you look like you just started following me.

I just said, “Really? Okay.” And then said, “Okay. Cya later.” She messaged saying, she had a great time but was getting more friendship vibes.

So it kind of looks like you talked her out of liking you. Again if you’re touching a girl before she’s ready to be touched, it’s not going to go well. You’re going to get rejected. And so this guy clearly does not know the book because I can just look at how he behaves on dates. And quite frankly, he looks kind of like an amateur. But just being honest, dude.

I didn’t like that she used that term, I associate friendship with “beta male”. So I’m wondering if it was because I messed up.

Yep, you messed up.

Or because of the following reasons. Her profile said looking a life partner. I told her I split up with my ex a couple of months ago, she said oh wow that’s recent and said I should still be grieving.

I was like, why would you say that? It’s something simple. And what does the book say? Keep it positive, keep it light. And if he’s like, “Oh yeah, you know, I just got out of a relationship several months ago.” She says, “oh, that’s soon.” I was like, “yeah, the relationship ran its course. She’s a great girl. We parted with love and she’s just an awesome human being. But just our goals and values weren’t aligned. But it was you know, we had a lot of fun together. What about you?” And then change the subject?

I told her I just processed it quickly and moved on and perhaps I actually didn’t like her that much when pressed, she asked me about this three times. Secondly, when I saw her in person she didn’t meet my physical attractiveness requirements for a relationship and I found myself not being totally present, and she lives an hour away, I said I don’t like long distance, but wouldn’t say an hour was long. lastly, I may have come across a bit judgmental, that her lifestyle didn’t sound particularly interesting.

Yeah, it’s like, it seems like the girl might have had some interest, but you clearly did and said things that turned her off.

I certainly didn’t give of relationship vibes as I try and stay out of relationships more often than not. But that friendship vibe made me question myself.

Thanks again Corey.

Bob

It’s like, yeah, dude, you don’t have a good grasp of the book. You think you do. You’re a little bit in your ego and in your head about how awesome you are, and clearly your behavior on these dates is inappropriate. And like I said, the last one looked like she was into you, but you talked her out of liking you, and that’s a you problem. Again, when you tell me that you’ve read the book 12 times, it doesn’t look like you’ve actually read it 12 times. You may have thumbed through it once, or if you’re listening to it as background noise, that shit’s not going to work, dude. You’re not going to have sustainable success if you do that.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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