How To Let Her Come To You At Her Pace & Win You Over

How to let a woman come to you at her pace and win you over to become exclusive.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s been following my work for two years and read 3% Man 10 times. About a month ago, he met a beautiful woman on Instagram that followed him first. She was fresh out of a breakup after living with a guy. She seems a little hot and cold as other women fresh out of breakups have been in the past.

He’s a little perturbed that she takes longer than women who are not fresh out of a breakup to call and text, but she is starting to pursue more and asks me how to proceed. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he’s been following my work for two years and he’s read 3% Man 10 times. About a month ago, he met a beautiful woman on Instagram that followed him. First, she’s fresh out of a breakup and apparently I guess she was living with the guy. So he said she’s a little hot and cold and because he’s been following me for a while, he’s dated other women that were kind of fresh out of breakups, and it didn’t go too well. He noticed a lot of hot and cold behavior, and you could tell he really likes this girl and he’s kind of perturbed that she’s taking longer to text and to reply.

I’ve talked about this in the past. You never know who you’re going to meet. You meet a girl and she knocks your socks off and then you find out three months ago, four months ago that she broke up with her boyfriend of two years and they were really close. Maybe they were engaged or whatever, but you’re really hot for her, she seems to be really hot for you. You got to understand that she’s going to be hot and cold at times, and you can’t get butt-hurt or you can’t get perturbed because 70%, 75% of the time it’s usually the women dumping the guy. More often than not, you have, in essence, a 75% chance that the dude she dumped is not happy about being dumped and still wants her back, so he’s probably still going to be in the background.

What you got to understand about those situations is she is emotionally bonded to that guy because of all the time they had. If you just met her and you’ve been out a handful of times, I don’t think this guy’s even had sex with this girl yet. They fooled around, but I don’t think they’ve gone all the way. You should expect to see hot and cold behavior. You should expect the ex-boyfriend still in the background. Maybe they got pets. Maybe they got kids. Maybe they got a house that they got to figure out how they’re going to get rid of. Maybe they were renting a property and they’re both on the hook for it until the lease is over. Or they got furniture to exchange. It’s never a totally clean situation versus a girl that’s been single for a year or two without having a boyfriend, and she took time to heal and now she’s ready to start dating.

In a perfect world, it would be nice if all the women are all like that, but it’s not. Life is messy. Relationships are messy. There are no perfect situations. When you meet somebody you click with and she knocks your socks off, you’re going to have to be really super patient, because what you have to understand is, if you’re in her life and you’re doing everything right and being attractive and the ex is coming back into the picture, you have to assume that when she starts to get real close to you, just because her whole identity was wrapped up in the relationship she had with the other guy, you have to assume there’s going to be pullbacks and you can’t get butt-hurt, you can’t get perturbed, you can’t get uncentered. You have to be calm. Masculinity is calm, feminine energy is chaos.

So you can tell he’s perturbed. He’s kind of irritated that things are not progressing as fast as he wants, because probably he really likes the girl and that can be very frustrating. If she senses you’re frustrated or you’re upset at that, she’s going to pull back, probably talk to the ex more, especially if he’s acting more attractive, or especially if she was the one that got dumped by him. He may decide, since he hadn’t found anybody else, that he may want to take another trip down Lover’s Lane with her. If you really like the girl and you really click, you’re just going to have to be infinitely patient and understand that if you’re going to get involved, you’re going to date somebody like that, trying to be forceful, trying to get them to comply with your wishes, trying to have a talk, none of that stuff is going to help. You just have to give her the time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you. Women love guys that are mysterious guys. They can’t figure out guys that are different or, “You’re not like every other guy I’ve dated. I can’t figure you out.” That’s what you want to hear.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you’re all in her face and you’re getting upset that she’s not as into you as you want her to be, especially if you communicate that you’re way more into her than she’s into you, she’s going to pull away and you can’t get upset, you can’t get butt-hurt. You just have to be totally indifferent to it. You have to let women come to you at their pace. As I teach in the book, it’s one thing to read it 10 or 15 times, but it’s something else to really apply it. When you don’t have much practice with other women or women that you really like, then it gets infinitely harder to follow what’s in the book, because your emotions are going to override your logic and make it really difficult to do the right things consistently.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Thanks as always for all you do. I’ve been following your work for two years now, read the book 10-15 times in that time and give it a re-listen about once every month or two on plane rides. Safe to say it’s been a game changer for my personal, professional and dating life. Thanks for all you do.

About a month and a half ago, I got a random follow on Instagram by a super attractive girl in my city.

Typically, if a hot girl follows you, it’s probably because she likes what she sees, she likes what you have to say, she likes what you post, she likes your pictures. Whatever it is you’re posting, she’s digging it. Instagram is one of the best dating apps. I met a lot of girls over the years that just start following me, slid into my DMs and it’s nice, makes it easy and it’s always better if she slides into your DMs because then she likes you and she’s pursuing you.

I naturally followed back, hit her up, and very easily set up the first date.

That’s basically her way of just imagining the real world. Some cute girl taps you on the shoulder to talk to you, she came over to talk to you because she likes you and hopes that you know what you’re doing and you’ll click and have a great conversation, you’ll sweep her off her feet, take her home, make mad, passionate love to her, ravish her, give her lots of happy finishes and she’ll be coming back for more and more and more.

Again, life is messy. Everything is not perfect, and especially if you’ve got some weakness that you haven’t really completely overcome yet, then you should expect that when you attract a girl into your life who you really like, you’re going to be tested because you got some weaknesses that you need to overcome, and the hot girl is going to exploit it. They’re just designed to do that. They’re designed to make us better. They’re designed to help us become more confident, more centered, more masculine than we’ve ever been before, because that’s what’s required to attract and keep them in our lives, or to eventually grow beyond that relationship so you can attract somebody else that you’re even more into, and he’s even more into you and your emotions get involved, because as the late, great Doc Love used to say, “A beautiful woman is like Kryptonite to the average guy. She has the power to make him fall apart.” In other words, to totally come unglued and lose his shit. You got to be calm, cool and collected.

First date went well, kissy-poo throughout. Second date was a few weeks later as she was out of town traveling. Went well. However, it came up on that date that she recently had gotten out of a year-long relationship with a guy who she also lived with for the past several months.

You’re three dates in and you find this out. It’s easy to say, “Oh, just dump her and move on.” What if this is the hottest girl that you’ve met and you clicked with the best in five years? If you’re in that situation, you’re going to go, “Man, I think I can work with this,” and you’re going to have to be patient. It’s easy for the people in the comments, “Oh, dump her! Blow her off! Pump and dump. Move on,” but when you meet a girl and you haven’t met anybody that you liked as much and who seemed to liked you as much, you have as much in common with, you click with and you got sexual chemistry with, because in the back of your mind you’re like, “OK well, if I blow this girl off, it’s going to be another four or five years before I meet somebody that we just jive like this.” It’s easier said than done. It’s easy to be in the comments and say these things. It’s another thing to be involved.

Having dated girls who have been fresh off a relationship before, that raised a flag for me and has been in the back of my mind since.

Nevertheless, the third date was this past weekend. Went well ending with some fun at my place (No sex, but oral sex on both our ends).

The reason I write in is because I’m starting to get a sense that the ex is still in the picture here.

I would assume he is in the picture. She lived with this guy up until just a few months ago, and when you spend that much time living with somebody, sleeping with them, waking up together, going to bed together, showering together, doing family functions together, hanging out with your mutual friends together, eating at the same restaurants where you walk in and you’re known as a couple together, then all of a sudden that ends and then you’re going there by yourself, “Oh, where’s your girl? You broke up? What happened?” Her whole life, her whole world revolved around that, so it takes some time to get back to being who she was. Again, when you really like a girl, it’s a lot harder to walk away from that, so you’re going to have to be infinitely patient.

She’s extremely flirty, complimentary, and physically engaging in person (Getting more and more comfortable as time progresses on) however, her time in between texts/calls is generally pretty extended and I notice some hot and cold behavior.

Yeah, because she’s got you, she’s got the ex and she needs to have space and time away from you to think about her feelings. If you slip up, if you get upset and the other guy is in the picture, she’s going to pull away from you and gravitate more towards him. If he screws up and acts unattractive, she’s going to test and pull away from him and probably spend more time with you, so she’s got the ex and she’s got you.

Women don’t care about what a great dude you are. Ultimately, in the end, it doesn’t really matter how much time she spent with the other guy. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you. Therefore, if you’re in a situation like this and you’re acting needy or you’re insecure, you slip up just once, you’re going to pay for it and she’s going to pull back pretty good and either spend time with him or maybe there’s another guy, or maybe there’s a third guy you don’t know about. So you have to be the most patient, the most mysterious and the guy with the tightest game. If you want her to choose you and convince you to be her boyfriend, in these cases, you definitely should not be focused on locking her down to a commitment.

Again, these are the principles right out of the 3% Man. You’re not supposed to do that. That’s the woman’s department. When she’s ready to lock you down and she’s ready to be in a relationship, that means she feels it. If she’s feeling it, she’s going to hint at it. She’s going to bring it up. She’s going to say, “Where is this going? Where do you see us? Where do you see yourself in a year? What are you looking for?” Ultimately, she’s going to be hinting at those things, trying to figure out where you’re at because you’ve done a good job of being mysterious and interesting and fascinating

That’s par for the course, man. That’s what you signed up for. It’s in the book. You’ve been through it 10 to 15 times. It’s one thing to read it, and now you’re in a situation where the girl you really like and there’s an ex, so you’re going to be worried, you’re going to be a little fearful. That’s understandable, because he’s got more time with her than you do. That’s why your game has got to be really tight. You can’t be sloppy. You can’t half ass it. You can’t just flip through the book once and say, “I got this,” or listen to the audio-book once while you’re working out or driving in a car and distracted by other things and think that your game is going to be tight. That’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times so you know instinctively what to do.

All and all, I’m still dating other women (Few 1st dates this week) and just want to hear how best to proceed with this specific situation. I’ve allowed her to do most of the pursuing and slowly warm up to me however, I don’t necessarily want to be the rebound guy and would rather be with someone who is open and ready to date.

Any advice on how to continue to be a 3% man would be greatly appreciated.

Bob

Well, you can just decide to not date her then. You can either handle it or you can’t, but if you really like the girl, I mean, you took the time to write this email. In other words, the other girls that you’re seeing or talking to you don’t like as much as this one. So it’s easy just for somebody like me or anybody else in the comments go, “Oh yeah, blow her off. Go date somebody else.” That’s the easy thing to do, but when your emotions are engaged, it’s not so easy.

This is why I tell you guys you got to practice this stuff, because you never know when you’re going to meet a girl like this. It’s not a clean situation, but if you do everything right and she is a good woman, eventually she’s going to choose you because you’re the most attractive and masculine man in her life. Then she’s going to blow all the other guys off. That’s what you want. I mean, most attractive women have multiple guys, have male orbiters, the dude from the office who has always liked her or the guy friend that she grew up with that’s part of her friend group and her social circle who’s hoping to get his chance. You have to always assume that you’re not the only one, and by being mysterious and her not knowing what you’re up to, it kind of levels the playing field a little bit, because then she’s kind of worried about potentially losing you to another girl, especially if your game is super tight and the ex’s game is kind of sloppy and he continues to act unattractive. He’ll literally talk, text and chase her into your arms.

So you got to be patient. You have to go slower than she is. That’s the key, because when women get frustrated, they can’t see you enough or that you’re sometimes difficult to get ahold of when she really wants to talk to you because you’re in a meeting or you’re with clients or whatever, those are the kinds of things that really build sexual anticipation and desire. I mean, who wouldn’t want to meet somebody that has no dude in their life, no ex or no guy from the office that’s trying to get into her pants? In most cases, it’s just not going to be like that. So this is something you’re going to have to overcome. It’s like playing golf. You’re really just playing against yourself. Can you deal with your emotions or not? Are you going to flip out and freak out and go, “We need to have a talk. I’ve noticed that you’ve been kind of distant lately, and it’s been difficult to get you out on a date. What’s going on? Is there something wrong? Did I do something?” Don’t say those things. Don’t act that way. That’s going to turn her off.

Remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” She’s got to feel free. You got to let her come to you at her pace. This is why you let her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing. If you can get away with it, 95%, 99% of the pursuing done by her, you’re not going to get dumped when a girl is doing all the chasing, all the calling, all the texting, all the pursuing because you’re acting super masculine. Eventually as their emotions get involved and her interest goes up, she’ll eventually become stuck to you like a sucker fish, and she’ll be around you all the time. She’ll make that choice. She’ll make things so good for you that you just kind of naturally become her boyfriend just because she’s with you all the time. Especially if you’ve done things right, she’ll get mad that you haven’t told anybody that you guys are dating. Yet she’s telling everybody about this great guy she’s dating, and nobody really knows that you’re even dating somebody, or that you’re even dating this particular girl. Why? Because you keep your cards close to your vest. Because you don’t want to go tell everybody, “Oh, I met this great girl, and we’re gonna live happily ever after.” Then a few weeks later, “Oh, what happened to that girl?” “It didn’t work out. She went back to her ex.” You’re just not going to say any of those things.

Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. You keep it to yourself and where things work the best and women get the most emotionally anchored to you is when they get frustrated that when they talk to people that know you, it’s like nobody knows about her. Then she wonders, “Why haven’t you told anybody?” “Well, we’re not official yet. I’m just seeing how things go and I’m not in a rush.” If you’re going slower than she is, she’s going to be the one to try to speed it up. That’s what you want, because you can tell this guy is impatient and he’s frustrated that she’s not advancing the ball quicker down the field, matriculating the ball down the field as, what was his name? Hank Stram, I think, who was the coach of the Kansas City Chiefs back in the 70s? I think Hank Stram was his name. “That’s it, boys! Keep matriculating the ball down the field!” That’s what you got to do. You got to let her matriculate the ball down the field, and you kind of slowly are going along with it to where she’s pulling you along. That’s what you want.

That’s what women do. They’re designed to do that. That’s why they’re so beautiful. They put so much time in their hair, their makeup, getting their nails done and picking out the right outfit, the right shoes, the right blush and all that stuff. Mascara, everything. Everything is, “What can I do to be the hottest looking girl that I can be so he only pays attention to me?” If you think about it from that perspective, it makes it pretty easy. That’s what you want to do, and you’re going to have to have to deal with your insecurities, your fears, your doubts and suppress the urge to try to constantly find out where you stand with her.

You got to just let her be. If you’re the most attractive man in her life, even if she’s only known you for a few weeks and she’s had a breakup from somebody else that she was with for years, eventually, slowly, because of how you stimulate her emotions and her feelings, you’re going to be the obvious choice. Then she’s going to put the full court press on to try to convince you to be her boyfriend and want to tell everybody and post it all over social media. That’s what you want to do. You got to be patient, dude.

So what’s going on? This guy is kind of found a woman that’s like his unicorn, if you will, super into her, but if you try to smother her or you get upset at her, all you’re going to do is drive her right back into the arms of the ex or any other guy that she’s talking to who’s acting more masculine than you are. So when it comes to women, less really is more. The turtle wins the race with the ladies. The ladies are the rabbits. The men are the strong, stoic turtles that are just slowly moving forward, deliberately, slowly and effortlessly. That’s what you want.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.