How To Maintain Attraction & Respect When She Tests You

How to maintain a woman’s attraction & respect when she tests your strength.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 31-year-old viewer who recently started dating a hot successful woman who has biological clock pressures. She’s frozen some of her eggs because she has a fertility crisis and low egg count. He likes her and is already contemplating living in her world instead of her living in his because he’s worried about her approval.

I tell him what to focus on instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who is 31 and he recently started seeing a hot, successful woman, I think she’s an attorney as well, who’s got kind of unusual biological clock pressures. She’s 30 years old, but she’s got a fertility crisis going on because she’s got a low egg count and she’s frozen a bunch of her eggs already. So they’re already talking and she’s like in baby mode looking for a dude that wants babies. He just started seeing her. They haven’t even had sex yet because she wants him to get tested for an STD, which I mean, it’s a good idea to do before they have sex because she says if she somehow gets an STD, because already the problem she’s got, she won’t be able to have kids at all.

So you can tell he’s like, already kind of rearranging his life and the vetting process is almost like starting to go out the window because it’s like he’s adopted this mindset of, “I gotta win her approval. I gotta get her to like me. I gotta get her to choose me instead of, ‘Do I like this girl? Do I want to get involved with somebody that’s already pressuring me and got these problems? Do I want to deal with that? Is she a good person?'” I mean, we know she’s hot and beautiful and she’s successful. She’s a lawyer, obviously, but is she too masculine? Is she easy-going, easy to get along with? Does she keep her word? I mean, these are things you need to know before you’re going to, and also you need to date somebody really, ideally for at least two, three years before you’re going to get married. So the potential of getting married would probably be around 32, 33.

Say in a perfect world, they get together and start to live happily ever after, as a man, you can’t allow a woman’s issues or things she’s got going on in her life pressure you into making rash decisions, especially out of fear that you may lose her. It’s really her job to convince you why you should put all your eggs in the same basket and live happily ever after, but she’s got to demonstrate that she’s a worthy partner because most guys, they see a girl, she’s hot, they like her, she’s good in bed. That’s it for them. They’re like, “She won,” and don’t really look at her character. Does she keep her word? Does she love her dad? Does she have a good relationship with her parents? They don’t look at all those things. They just look at how hot she is. So you got to keep your wits about you because if you don’t, you’re going to get burned.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m a 31-year-old guy in finance. I’ve followed your work for six years and read the book 10 times. Three weeks ago…

I mean, it’s only three weeks in, dude. It’s early. People are gonna hide who they are for the first 90 days.

…I met a highly successful, incredibly hot 30-year-old lawyer. She mentioned she works with my insecure ex (who I left two years ago and she badmouthed).

So I assume she’s badmouthing his ex-girlfriend. Maybe she didn’t like her, or women kind of look at that as competition. Maybe he’s going to go back to her.

I saw the test and only said good things.

At the end of the day, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. “Hey, we had a great run. It’s just we weren’t really compatible. Wish her all the best. Cool chick. We had a lot of good times.”

She tested me constantly, asking serious questions early on about family, career, and kids. She said guys think she’s masculine (she’s confident, from a good family), but she prefers being in her feminine.

Well, if she has kids, is she gonna want to be a stay-at-home mom? It just doesn’t make much sense for a woman to go to work, to earn enough money to pay a babysitter so she could stay at work and have other people raise the child. It’s much better if the woman, the mother is there, especially until the kids start going to school and stuff.

I stayed centered, kept my answers fun and short, and set weekly dates, plus one extra when she reached out before the last one. On date two, she raved about my confidence, and that she knew I had tons of options. She also listed what she wants in a relationship and it literally sounded like quotes from your book.

Well, I’m psychic like that.

On our fourth date, after I focused on hanging out, having fun, hooking up, and not getting butt-hurt when she stopped the indoor Olympics previously, we picked up a wine bottle and went to her place after dinner. Later that evening, as things got hot and heavy, she broke down crying and admitted she wanted me, but revealed she is facing a severe fertility crisis with a low egg count.

Remember, hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up. Something like this, it’s kind of a serious issue, can totally derail the romantic vibes. You go from being her lover, the escape from her difficult life, to now becoming her therapist, her emotional tampon, and letting her vent. It just kills the mood. So you let her share these things, and then you focus on getting her to laugh and have a good time. Because whatever she’s feeling when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So she’s dwelling on her health problems and her severe fertility crisis. Those are not eliciting good feelings. Those are eliciting negative feelings. Besides, you’ve only been out with her a handful of times. You haven’t had sex yet. You don’t know what you don’t know. So her problems that she has cannot become your problems at this stage.

I mean obviously, if you stay with her long-term, her problems will become your problems, especially around this, but when you’ve only been out a couple times, you’re not even sleeping together yet, you don’t know what kind of a person she is. You don’t know she’s a person of high character, or she’s a terrible person and makes terrible decisions. We don’t know. We don’t know yet. That’s why you need to remain objective and not get hypnotized by her body and her looks, and get all dopey, because then you’ll just put up with any red flag you see after that, you’ll be like, “I can work with this. I got this blue book.” You can’t fix a broken woman with the blue book. It’ll bring out the best in the best and the worst in the worst. At the end of the day, it’s not your job to fix her, to save her, or to rescue her from her egg problem.

She’s freezing eggs and (I would guess non-exclusive) intercourse out of medical fear. An STD right now would ruin her last chances of having kids. She gave me an “out,” suggesting I focus on the other women I’m dating…

Which you should do anyways. It’s her job to win you over.

…Noting guys usually run away or try to “fix” her.

So in other words, guys are like, “Yeah, I hit it and quit it. I’m not interested,” or they go full white knight mode and get super serious really fast. Want to get involved in her fertility issues like they’re going to be the future baby daddy, and then they over-pursue and smother her and she ditches them because she’s not feeling it. “There’s no chemistry, there’s no spark.”

She’s evaluated donor solutions and met guys who’d jump at the chance just to access her body and lifestyle (money)…

Well, that’s when, as a man, you got to let her know that you’re selective and you’re going to take your time. It’s like, “I appreciate you sharing that with me, but I wouldn’t be ready to have kids for at least two or three years. I’d want to date and enjoy each other, being single, and I’ll understand, if you like, need to find somebody within six months to get married and have a kid. I’m probably not the right guy for you, but I like you a lot and I’d like to see where it goes. In the long run, I’d want to date for at least two or three years before I get real serious, get married, have kids, that kind of thing. That’s where I’m coming from. I want to take my time,” because at the end of the day, you got to choose very carefully the person that you choose to spend your life with, because 95% of your happiness or your misery are going to come from that one decision.

The reality is statistically, the chances are more than likely that it’s not going to work out than it does work out between the two of you. That’s why haste makes waste. You got to take your time, and you got to let her know when she dumps all this stuff on you, it’s like, “Hey, thanks for sharing. Here’s where I’m coming from. I’d want to date for at least two to three years before we got to that point. I’ll understand if you’re just under the gun and you’re desperate to find a guy in the next 12 months to have kids with him, or maybe find a guy that’s a sperm donor and have kids.” It seems like that’s what he was talking about here. When he’s talking about a donor, she’s evaluated donor solutions. So that I assume that means that she goes, because you have guys that are medical doctors, high IQ, and they donate their sperm, or they get paid a lot of money for it, and the women get to pick and choose which guy sperm they want. So she’s at that point where she sounds like whether she’s got a man or not, she’s gonna want to have a kid.

So again, you gotta ask yourself, “Is that something you really want to get involved in? Are you at a stage in your life at 31 where you’re ready to have kids?” I mean, us guys, we can pretty much have kids until we croak. I mean, look at Al Pacino. Just had a baby last year with his 29-year-old younger girlfriend. They were friends for a few years, and they started hooking up, he slipped one past the goalie. Happens a lot. So as a man, you got time, but for her, her time is clearly running out. I mean, it sounds like it’s desperate enough to where she’s already thinking about getting a sperm donor because she doesn’t have a guy in her life. So because of this stuff, as a man, you can’t just take ownership of that and say, “Oh OK, well, now I’m going to go at her pace and be having kids in six months with her.”

Again, I would be taking my time with this. As hot as she is, it’s great, but at the end of the day, the right person, you’ll know inside, you won’t be like, “Uh, well,” and you’ll notice as I get to the end of the email, he’s not like 100% sure that he wants to date her, but he also doesn’t like, want to deal with the pressure of what she’s got going on with needing to have kids soon.

…But she’s still hoping for real love.

I just listened, held the space, and used your questioning techniques to let her vent. She asked me to stay over, and we ended up naked, hooking up heavily (high school style).

So that means it didn’t go all the way.

She was incredibly turned on, but I held off on going all the way out of respect for her situation.

Well, if you’re that naked, I mean, she’s ready to get it on. So that’s a little bit of a white knight type of thing. Unless you didn’t have a raincoat with you.

I told her to reach out after her upcoming trip, adding that while I want to keep seeing her, I needed to process this. I’m taking an STD test, keeping my options open, and dating others (as is she).

My question is: How do I navigate the collision between her extreme biological timeline and the natural emotional timeline required for a woman to fall in love?

Um, you’re the one with a penis. So that means your job is to lead. You drive the fun bus. What you’re basically saying is, “Hey Corey, she’s got some extenuating circumstances. So can I get up out of the driver’s seat of the fun bus and put her in charge? What do you think?” Come on. No way. Absolutely not.

So you’re going to go at your own pace. Like Frank Sinatra said, “I did it my way.” So you should not feel pressured in any way, shape or form. Your attitude should be like, “I still need to vet this girl. I like her, it sucks what she’s having to deal with, but I’m not going to get pressured. If she’s of the mindset that within the next six to 12 months, if it’s me, not me, or some other guy that she’s just going to go buy some donor sperm and start having kids, do I want to get involved with that?” Doesn’t sound like he’s super, he wasn’t like a “hell yeah,” and quite frankly, nobody should be. You don’t know her well enough. That’s a minimum 20-year commitment. If you have kids with her, financially it’s like, how do you know you can get get along with her? What’s she like once she’s out of the honeymoon period?

So at the end of the day, the book teaches you the process. So you take her through the process. You vet her. See if she’s going to be easy-going, easy to get along with. Your timeline does not get moved up because of her issue. You’re willing to give her a chance and willing to give her a shot, but at the end of the day, when it comes to being a dad and having kids, I would imagine you’re probably not ready right now. Under normal circumstances, you’re going to want to date somebody for two or three years before you get married, before you start having kids. That’s just the bottom line. If that timeline doesn’t work for her, then let the chips fall where they may.

I want a family eventually and think she’s amazing, but I don’t want to be a savior or waste her time. How do I apply your principles without stringing her along given her ticking clock? 

Thanks for all your great work,

Bob

Well, I would just go and tell her the diatribe that I just went through the last few minutes here in this video. Tell her where you’re at. “I want a family, eventually. I think you’re awesome so far, but I don’t know you well enough. I want to date somebody for at least two to three years before we have kids or anything like that or get married. I understand you’re under extreme duress here, and you need to either find a guy to wife you up or you’re going to go get a donor sperm, but I can’t move any faster than I’m gonna move. It just would be prudent,” because again, statistically if you rush into something or not, even if you take your time, statistically there’s more of a chance that the marriage and the relationship’s not going to work out than it is.

Those are just the numbers, man. So if she’s not cool with that, you can’t let a woman back you into a corner or pressure you. Again, like I said earlier, she’s got two types of guys: You got guys that find out they’re like, “Yeah, I don’t want to get involved in this.” Then the other guys really like her because of her body and her looks and they’re already, “Oh, I’m the guy. I’m the baby daddy. Here I am.” Then they start acting like a husband and a baby daddy right away, they over-pursue, they turn her off, and then she kicks them to the curb telling them, “It’s not you, it’s me. There’s something missing. There’s no chemistry. There’s no spark. I should feel something different than I do after all the time we spent together,” that kind of stuff.

So you’re going to take your time and you’re going to move at your pace. If that schedule doesn’t work for her, you can wish her the best and then go on about your life. You don’t owe her a commitment. You don’t owe her your sperm. You don’t owe her any babies. You don’t owe her a commitment. You don’t owe her nothing. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. Your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. So if you go on your little diatribe and you tell her where you’re at and she’s still down to hang out, have fun, and hook up, then the chips are going to fall where they may, but don’t let her pressure you or cause you to make a decision to please her or that you’re worried about losing her. If you really want her as your baby mama, you’ll know. It’ll light you up on the inside. It’ll be like, “Hell yeah, this is perfect!” But you’re clearly apprehensive and you don’t know her well enough yet.

So take your time, dude. You’re driving the fun bus. Just because a woman’s got some issue going on in her life, doesn’t mean that you make her the man and put her in the driver’s seat, because all she’s going to do is drive it right off the fucking cliff and crash your little love bus.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

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