How To Maintain Her Respect, Interest & Effort Long Term

How to maintain your woman’s respect, interest & effort in a long term relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 35-year-old viewer from Germany who is in his first long-term relationship for about two years. He’s clearly lost the power in his relationship, cares more about her than she does him and he’s constantly seeking her attention and validation.

He’s frustrated that she’s not more into him than she is. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy. He’s 35, he’s from Germany, and he’s in his first long-term relationship for about two years now, and he’s clearly lost the power. He cares more about her than she does about him, and he’s constantly seeking her attention and validation. A big part of his problem is he’s frustrated that she’s not more into him than she is, doesn’t want to see him more than she does and he’s clearly gotten away from the book because he’s trying to use logic and reason in talking her into seeing him and spending more time with him. The reality is, she’s just not motivated because he’s not acting like a man consistently enough. So he’s turning her off, she’s losing attraction, respect and wanting to stay away from him longer. He’s just not not applying what’s in the book.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

Thank you so much for your insights on your videos. I can not get enough of them. I just ordered your book and it’s still on the way (I am in Germany) and maybe you can help me, even though I have a hard time with the short paragraphs.

So he hasn’t read the book yet. I don’t know how long he’s been following me for. Maybe he’s new or not, but if you want to be successful, you got to read the book. You’re cherry-picking videos, and you’re not going to be able to sustain this if that’s what you’re trying to do, because you don’t understand how attraction works. So when you complain that a woman doesn’t want to spend enough time with you, you’re like a little boy demanding attention and an attaboy from mommy. It’s very unattractive. It should be the other way around. She should be seeking your attention and validation, and when you’re doing it, you’re acting like a girl, which ruins the sexual polarity and drives her away.

I am reaching out to you for advice for my first girlfriend at age of 33 (Now both 35). Together one year, nine months. Average five times sex a month. First months, seeing two times a week. As a teacher, she has holiday six weeks free in summer. In this time, we were together maybe six times, even though she had plenty of time.

So you could tell he’s focused on the amount of time she has available, but he’s clearly bothered that she’s choosing not to spend more with him. So you’re not going to talk her into it. It’s got to be her idea.

By now, we see each other at least once a week, sometimes twice. I try making dates the day we see each other, sometimes it won’t work and usually she reaches out via text. She never had a long relationship (Longest six months) and most of her life single (As she said). So this is her longest relationship by now and I am probably the first guy she introduced to her family.

In the beginning, I organized some dates, like cinema, going to this town event, doing that, having diner at a restaurant/cooking together.

Well, movies are not a good date when you’re trying to get to know somebody. It’s OK once you’re boyfriend/girlfriend, but if you’re on a first or first handful of dates, you go and you sit in a movie theater, you’re just staring at a screen for two or three hours and you’re not talking. You’re not interacting, for the most part. You’re just watching the movie. So it delays the two of you having rapport together.

In the first months, we usually spend the Friday to Saturday or Saturday to Sunday at her place, where we watched a movie and had sex. And in the morning I left. She often takes me with her friend group to parties (She rarely organized a “date” in all the time without someone else in it besides in the beginning like “Want to come over on Friday?”).

So it sounds like she’s always bringing other people on your dates. If your girlfriend is always bringing a friend of hers on your dates, well she’s bringing a cock-blocker with her basically because she doesn’t want to sleep with you. In other words, it helps her avoid that, “Oh hey, my friend’s here.”

When I don’t suggest cooking together (Should I do this always at my place?)…

Again, you got to read the book to learn the baseline fundamentals of what I teach because again, the cherry-picking is not working for you.

…Or having a movie evening or going to cinema, we would never ever do that. That always comes from me by now. When I would not suggest those things she would come to me under the week for two to four hours and we watch a series and have sex. That’s it.

We went on holiday two times. One week and two weeks (Second year). Since this is my first relationship I try to enjoy it as much as possible (Since I am working on myself I finally got the relationship). I have interesting hobby (Something with being on stage).

So I am trying to text her like only when I have to. In the beginning, she sends me pictures and stuff, but by now she may eventually send me one information a day of like “Do you want to come with my social group to this party in one month?” (Without hi or something, or “Enjoy your evening,” when I have something going on then, but that is not guaranteed). I usually don’t do that since she may reply a dry “thanks” or something. It’s so odd when I send her a picture from my rehearsal, she does not react to it and the conversation ends. That is super annoying.

In the beginning, I send her also some pictures or she reacted to my pictures (Usually theater related, that’s my hobby) from my WhatsApp story, but today she never ever does that anymore. The messages are on a surface. When I don’t text her for two, three days, she is going to send me an voice message of how her day was and how she was so busy not texting me.

So if you notice, like when you’re backing off, instead of constantly talking and texting to her, she reaches out more, she’s warmer, she’s more open, she’s more flexible. You’re just over-pursuing this girl, but again, you don’t know that because you haven’t read the book yet. It’s free to read the Members Area of the website. All you got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.

Partly this is correct, since she is 100% an avoidant person who has a lot of stuff going on for a women (Work and then nearly every evening something like horse, other hobbies. She is a people pleaser). BUT when we are together, the sex is awesome and better and the chemistry feels more intense than ever. 

And that by now creates a strange distance between us. For example, she has been at my place Monday (I suggested cooking together. She precooked her part at her place!) and she came over, awesome sex. Then, from Monday to Saturday (Where I suggested, “Let’s drive to that city,” xyz), I never initiated conversation by text. Only she wrote me everyday a short text of like, “Wanna come to that event in a month?” Or “My mother has this problem. Can you help with the PC?”

There’s a lot of BS information in this email.

Like super surface or on the third day a voice message of how her day was and apologized for texting so less. So, when I picked her up at her place, she told me in detail her full week and what she did everyday, and I’m like, “Why don’t you tell me this via text or voice message? Why don’t you want to share this experience in the evening in your bed cuddling?” I mean, we are together for nearly TWO years and between the ‘dates,’ I don’t get this information. I did not tell her that, just what I thought in that moment. I recommended months her that she gets something for her cats (Since they are always inside) and she bought that, and she used that already, but she did that without me and told me on Saturday. Like, why don’t you invite me over?

We use that thing together on her cat (To take the cat outside, what I suggested). She just did that by herself and told first on the weekend. So we have a lot to share and I don’t do that so much via text since I think that looks not attracting, texting so much and sharing so much during the week (But after nearly two years?). I feel like I am single to be honest.

She rarely initiates physicality when we go outside (I usually get physical, putting my hand on her thigh and what not). She may eventually take my hand while walking, but she lets go after some minutes.

Well, that’s normal. Again, this is detailed in the book. Women are like cats. So you’ll be walking down the street, she’s holding your hand and then she’ll let go. You got to let her go. If you’re going and grabbing her hand back, that’s how you come off as being needy and clingy. What that will actually do is will turn her off and she’ll stay away longer.

So as the book says, it’s better if you let her initiate physical contact, because then it’s her idea. When a woman’s attracted, she plays with her hair, she touches your arm, she bumps into you as you’re walking down the street together, but if you’re always grabbing her and touching her first, you’re coming off as needy and clingy and you’re actually driving her attraction, her interest and her respect down. That’s part of the problem here.

So what I was going to ask for: Since we are together, we see each other every week, the only contact is this short messages maybe every two days and then seeing each other for maybe six hours a week, usually a date after work (When sleepover more). Sometimes we go to a party. I insisted to see each other more often after 1 ½ year  (Like one sleepover a week at most, like standards)…

So again, the point is, like I was talking about in the beginning of the video, you’re making these demands that she spends time with you, and what you’re ignoring is she’s not doing this willingly. If you were applying what the book teaches, she’d be stuck to you like a sucker-fish and she’d want to be around you all the time, but that’s not what’s actually happening here because again, you’re just you’re coming off as needy and clingy and then you’re complaining she doesn’t want to spend much time with you.

The reality is, the reason she doesn’t want to spend so much time with you is her interest is low, and you’re only paying attention to how much you like her, you want her to spend more time with you, and you’re using logic and reason to talk her into that instead of acting like an attractive man consistently to the point where she would be wanting to seek your attention and validation. She’ll be calling you more, texting you more, wanting to see you more, but she’s OK with once a week because her interest is low.

As the book says, you shouldn’t be doing more than 20% to 30% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and that’s really only in the beginning. If you’re applying what’s in the book, then the woman should be doing 95% of it, and that’s just not happening here.

…But that always comes from me. It does not progress. Of course it does happen from her, but super rarely and noticeable when I am pulling away (When her anxiety of losing kicks in from my point of view).

So what he’s basically noticing is that when he backs off a little bit and kind of matches and mirrors her lack of effort, she becomes warmer and pursues more. Then as soon as he starts to pursue her more, she’ll start to back off. Then he backs off, she comes forward a little bit, and then he starts pursuing more. The idea is, when she comes back is to let her do most of the calling, texting, pursuing and reaching out. That includes physical contact. When you’re together in person, you’re just doing too much. You’re too focused on your feelings and attraction to her, and you’re not really paying attention to the fact that her interest and attraction to you is lower. You’re thinking if you just tell her to spend more time with you, that she’s going to actually want to do that.

The only reason she would do it is because she feels guilty, because she doesn’t want you to get upset at her, but you’re getting upset and butt-hurt about it. It’s not very attractive. Not very masculine. You’re not acting like a guy who perceives him as a catch. You’re acting like a guy who didn’t get enough strokes from mommy and daddy. You’re very needy. This is a turnoff to women.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you’re constantly complaining about her lack of interest, her lack of wanting to spend time together, she doesn’t stay over at your house enough, or that you’re not having enough sex, she’s not initiating it enough, well you’re the one really driving the whole relationship. You’re not letting her come to you at her pace. You’re clearly not following the book, but that’s understandable because you haven’t even read it yet.

Like I said before, we met on Monday for a short diner at my place, had sex and I made a new date on Saturday. At no point she ever suggested “Wanna stay at my place?” Or “We should be together more often,” or whatever. When I don’t suggest that she should stay at my place the night, it will not happen. It will not happen. Is that normal?

Well it happened. It doesn’t happen because her interest is low, and the fact that you’re constantly focusing on this just constantly communicates that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. The fact of the matter is, the way women operate and the way they’re attracted, they will like you a hell of a lot more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. The problem is, you’re communicating the opposite. You’re communicating that you’re more into her than she’s into you, and that’s why she’s behaving this way, because her interest is low.

It’s so strange since I am such a big part of her family by now and her social circle that I can’t wrap my head around this.

Her family knows me. We have holiday planned for next month and paid already (She insisted of paying half of it), but the time between is so “cold.” Texting with her feels difficult (I have a female platonic friends living with a guy who is 30 years older and I can text with her easily, we are in the same theater ensemble, with emoticons but with my girlfriend, I don’t even get an “hi”). Probably since I am emotionally attached to her, I try to keep it “safe” and don’t text too much.

When my girlfriend comes over or when I sleep at her place, I always sense in the morning that she wants me out of her place with her body language. Super hot the night and super cold the morning. When I cuddle in the morning to have some physician touch (Just “cuddling,” not necessarily with sex in mind), she does not reciprocate. Sometimes a bit, but 98% comes from me. Like I know 100% that she does not have another guy, I read a lot about attachment styles (She is avoidant),  because of that and this behavior “hot and cold” makes me feel crazy throughout the week. It does not feel natural. 

From your experience, should there be more time together after this long time (Nearly two years relationship)?

Well, yeah! If you were applying what’s in the book, but again, you’re not. She should be stuck to you like white on rice. I just tell you, you’re obsessing over what she’s doing and not doing and getting upset that she doesn’t, she’s not excited to see you and have sex with you as you are with her. So until you start actually reading the book, learning it, applying it and backing off, I mean, just wait to hear from her. Then when you do make the next date, hang out, have fun, hook up.

The problem is, you’re making it too easy for her. She knows exactly where she stands with you, and you don’t know where the hell you stand with her. So the roles are reversed. The sexual polarity is reversed. You act more like a girl than she does. That’s why she stays away longer, because getting together with you, there’s no sexual polarity, because you act too much like a chick, and you’re not realizing the things you’re doing and saying. Especially when you’re complaining about a lack of sex, lack of intimacy, complaining she doesn’t want to stay the night, those kinds of things.

Should this come from me (I read that this should be on the schedule of the women). Two female friends of mine got a boyfriend like the same time I got my girlfriend, and they have seen each other drastically more often even from the beginning and both are moved in already after 1 ½ years, but I don’t know if I am just not masculine or attractive enough for her (I mean she insist i come to all her important events. She is some kind of a big person in her hobby area), or if she is just not into that and I can wait my whole life that she wants to see me more often. And of course, then I really get frustrated and sometimes even thought about having sex with other women since this short time seeing her after this time feels off. I had a big rehearsal week last week with rehearsal everyday until 10 p.m., but in my mind, it could be totally possible to see each other after 10 p.m., or I come to her and I stay the night, but those things doesn’t even cross her mind. Those moments are the times when I think of talking to other women because that frustrated me so much.

Like I do not only want to have sex with her, I just want to spend a weekend (NEVER done that in all the time) with her at her place or my place, reading a book, whatever. Going to have diner, taking a walk, just doing “lazy” things, but that never happens and I am the only one wanting that. Or should I still only go for sex? We had now sex for surely 150 times since I met her and that is awesome, but that can’t be enough. I want the full relationship experience, not just the fuck part (Crazy saying that. I would never had said that at the beginning of the relationship).

First, I thought she does not have interest in me as a person, like no “love” feelings, but there were some incidents where she definitely gaslighted me (Even though she may not do that on purpose). I called her out one time on text that she did that and I was so hurt that I cancelled a date for the first time and she blew my phone like she never done before and send me voice messages that she is so sorry and was nearly crying and super emotional (Which she normally isn’t).

The next day, since we had a invitation to a party, I went to her and she was totally destroyed emotionally (Since I cancelled the date the evening before because of the gaslightning and did not stayed the night at her place). She was so quiet and you could see that her heart was broken that night and that she could not sleep, only because I called her out on gaslighting me. And she has my picture as her smartphone background, so she must like me, but her actions don’t show that. So is that just inexperience in relationships from her side? 

One last thing: I went with her to dinner some day and asked her on the train if she ever thought about breaking up (Since some friends broke up lately). She went quiet, but then she said that since she always was single her whole life, considering everything with me is sometimes a burden (e.g., When she gets invited to birthday parties and she has to ask the inviter if she can bring her partner). Maybe spending more time together is uncomfortable for her, and she is going to get used to it sometime, or will this never change? What actions can you suggest me (Set up dates for fun and sex or talking to her about my wants from a relationship)? Is that normal that the guy is doing 99% of coming up with date ideas? That honestly feels stressful to me. Or am I just impatient?

Thanks a lot!

Bob

All that’s going to do is turn her off, because you’re constantly communicating that you’re an incompetent man, that you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t understand how attraction works. Again, this would be really easy to clean up if you would just participate in your own rescue and read the book. I mean, it’s free to read and the Members Area of the website, but you know, it’s obvious you think you’re going to be different and you’re going to be able to successfully cherry-pick from videos when you don’t really understand the philosophy and the book. That’s why you’re getting undesirable results. On top of that, you’re getting butt-hurt and you’re complaining to her, and all that does is turn her off because you act like a big man-gina and then she gets even more distant from you.

Ideally, what you should be doing at this point is just wait to hear from her every week. When you do make a date, don’t be making future dates when you’re still on a current date. It looks like there’s something else that you’re doing because you mentioned that when you’re with her, you’re making a date for the following weekend, and that’s usually because you’re scared. If you don’t, she won’t want to see you. Probably the reason she doesn’t want to see you is because she’s turned off, and a lot of times she gets together with you just because she doesn’t want to listen to you bitch or complain.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. As Thich Nhat Hanh used to say: “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” and you’re smothering this girl and driving her away instead of letting her come to you at her pace. This is a really easy situation to fix. Just read the book and apply it. It’s very simple. You got to stop obsessing over this girl and pursuing so much. That includes all the physical touching. When you’re with her in person, you should let you should hang back a little bit. The idea is you should go slightly slower than she is, and you’re just not doing that. So if you clean up that behavior, she’ll be stuck to you like white on rice to the point where you’ll be annoyed that she wants to spend so much time with you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.