How To Maintain No Contact When You’re In The Same Friend Group

How to maintain no contact when you’re in the same friend group.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer from Finland. He’s read 3% Man four times already. He recently moved on campus at the college he attends and met a new circle of friends. He noticed a girl in his group that he thought was romantically interested in him. He asked her out and she said yes. However, the next day she said they needed to talk. She complemented him on his confidence in asking her out so directly, but said she only wanted to be friends.

He said he understood and told her to let him know if she changed her mind. Since she’s part of his new circle of friends he sees her often and she is kind of awkward around him now. He asks what he should do to lighten the mood and act when he sees her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, thanks to all you guys for being paying members. I want to really thank you for that and appreciate you guys. It’s really nice and it’s an honor that you think highly enough of myself, Chunky and the rest of the girls that you would want to subscribe to our members content. Hopefully we can live up to your expectations.

This email is from a guy from Finland and he says he’s read 3% Man four times already. He’s a college. I think he’s like 22, if I’m not mistaken, probably early 20s. So he moved on campus and he says shortly after that he’s like, “I made a whole new circle of friends.” Over the weeks he’s been hanging out, there was a girl in his group that he really didn’t think anything of, but the more he spent time with her and talked with her, he’s like, “She’s kind of cute. I think I’d like to go out with her.”

So he asked her out on a date. He’s very direct, very decisive, gets right to the point, makes a date, she says yes. You can tell she was a little like my English girlfriend Katie, who I wrote about in the book, what she said was like, “I couldn’t say no to you.” So this girl was like, “I couldn’t say no. I was scared to say no.” Then the next day, she’s like, “Hey, we need to talk.” He’s like, “Hey, what’s up?” She’s like, “I was so shocked and overwhelmed. You’re so direct. Nobody’s ever asked me out like that before. I couldn’t say no, but I only think of you as a friend.” He’s like, “Hey, no problem.” So they cancel the date and didn’t go on it. Now, because they’re in the same friend group, she’s kind of weird and awkward around him a little bit, so he’s like, “What the hell do I do?” Because he told her, “Hey, let me know if you change your mind.”

Viewer’s Email:

Hello from Finland, Corey!

I’ve read your book four times already, and I’m currently enjoying my fifth read.

Recently, about four to six weeks ago, I started a new chapter of my academic journey at a school where residents live on campus. It didn’t take long for me to find a circle of new friends there. Initially, I hadn’t thought much about a certain girl within our group, but over time, she began exhibiting qualities from my top 10 traits list, as discussed in your book. She’s intelligent, shares my passion for ice hockey…

Go Panthers!

…Engages effortlessly in conversation, appreciates my sense of humor, even the silly jokes, and displays a competitive spirit, among other things. 

Feeling a newfound interest in her, I mustered the courage to ask her out last week. I discreetly pulled her aside from our friends, mentioning that I had something to show her. That “something” was a, “I would you like to go on a date with you?” Question. Her surprise was written all over her face, clear as day even from the moon. 

She was shocked. Shocked, I tell you!

Despite her initial agreement to the date, scheduled for two weeks later due to prior commitments on my end, the next day, she approached me, saying, “We need to talk.”

It’s not a good sign when a woman says, “We need to talk.” She’s about to give you information that you don’t want.

Instantly, I understood the situation. She confessed that she had agreed out of panic, seeing me solely as a friend. Yet, she commended my direct approach, noting that it was a rarity, “No one does that.” (Except those who’ve read your book, thank you!) I accepted her explanation, assuring her that I understood and told her to inform me if she changed her mind in the future. It seems I may have overestimated her level of interest on me, but such is life.

It is what it is, but she is a woman and it is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.

I must listen that part of the book even better this time. 

Now, the challenge lies in navigating our interactions within our shared friend group. She seems noticeably awkward and withdrawn in my presence, even though I never intended to take on the role of her, “gay male girlfriend,” and I don’t believe I exhibited those qualities before or after asking her out. While I’ve decided not to chase her romantically any further, she is still a great person to hang around and have fun with. We’ve had fun by playing card games, engaging in conversations, and simply hanging out. Of course, I’m still keen on the idea of dating her. But if she’s not feeling it, then that’s just the way it is. (Or am I missing something?)

At this point, I’m debating whether to revert to treating her as I did before I asked her out. However, it feels somewhat unnatural due to her avoidance of eye contact and reluctance to initiate conversations. I’m torn between two options: Should I withdraw from her presence to see if things change (a.k.a., she would like to date me), or should I directly ask her if something’s on her mind to save our friendship? 


Take care!

Bob

Well, you should treat all women the same. That’s right out of the book. The other caveat to think of, how would you treat her if you’re already bored of her and tired of fucking her, but yet you had to see her all the time in your friend group? You’d be nice. You’d be respectful. You wouldn’t be doing anything to try to give her the impression that you’re trying to get get in her pants because you don’t want her coming on to you because you’re already tired of fucking her, right? So you’d be nice. You’d be respectful. If you see her, you wave and then you just go about your business. You’re not going to go out of your way to talk to her. If you see her, if she comes over, you’re going to be polite, you’ll tease her, you’ll be playful with her.

Your attention should be focused on other women, should be on new women. You should be going up and talking to either other women in your group, or women that are out when you are with your friend group, because your mission and your purpose, as a man, is you want a great girl, a great teammate. This chick said, “I’m out,” so no problem. Maybe she’ll change your mind, maybe she won’t. At the end of the day, a man must fulfill his purpose and his destiny. You’re looking for a fair maiden, a snow queen, if you will, because it’s cold in Finland, to be a good teammate. She just basically said she’s not interested, so that’s fine. She may change her mind, she may not.

Again, how would you treat her if you were tired of fucking her? How would you treat her if you were bored of her? You wouldn’t be rude to her. You wouldn’t ignore her if you saw her and you made eye contact, you’d smile and you’d wave, and then you’d go about your business. Again, if you’re tired of fucking her and you’re the one that pushed her away, you’re not going to do anything to give her the impression that you’re interested, or that you want to get back in her pants. You’re going to be focusing on what you want. Then it’s possible that when she sees you talking to other girls or flirting with other girls, or hears through the grapevine that you went out with this really pretty girl, she might come over and go, “Dee, dee, dee,” and tap you on the shoulder one day and go, “Hey, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I was just a little nervous,” or, “I was going through a tough time,” or, “There was this other guy I really liked that I didn’t tell you about, but it didn’t work out with him. I really like your confidence. If you’re still interested, I would like to go out on that date.” It’s possible.

It’s amazing how women that seemingly don’t give a shit about you and aren’t interested all of a sudden seem to care when they know that you’re fucking somebody that’s hot, or another girl in the friend group, or they see a girl that they know that you’re fucking. I wrote about that in 3% Man. There was a girl that I totally screwed up with and she had blown me off. Then when I started six, eight months later, whatever, started dating a woman who became my girlfriend and later my future ex-wife. I remember being out with her and seeing this girl who just blow me off, and she was always staring at me and checking me out. Then when my girlfriend would walk away, she’d come over and start talking to me. I didn’t understand at the time because I was still a little bamboozled. I was mid 20s, but it was confusing to me because this girl had ghosted me and blown me off and acted like I was a second class citizen. Then as soon as I got a girlfriend, she was over talking to me and asked and she seemed interested in me.

Women are competitive. If the perception is, “No woman wants to fuck you. No one wants to date you and sleep with you,” then the women that know this are going to stay away. If they know you’re pretty much fucking everybody in the friend group, or you have fucked everybody, even though they go, “Oh, it’s gross. I never go out with them,” they’ll still go out with you. It’s amazing the effect it has.

What you really need to do is just focus on your outcome. What you want is you want a good girlfriend. You want a woman who wants to keep you. You want a woman who’s elated, excited and enthusiastic and is like, “Hell yeah, I’d love to go out with you.” That’s what you want. You don’t want girl that’s like, “I just think of you as a friend.” “OK.” You’re not interested in blue balls, so you’re not going to give her any attention. You’ll be nice and respectful to her if she comes over to you, you’ll tease her, you’ll be playful with just like you are with all women, but if you’re bored and you’re tired of fucking her, you’re going to be looking for the exits. You’re going to be, “Hey, I need a minute. I got to talk to so-and-so,” or whatever, and excuse yourself from the conversation. “Hey, I got to go talk to Bob real quick,” and then go talk to Bob and just don’t go back to her.

Go give your attention to other people. You’re not going to be rude to her. You’re just not going to sit there and hang out and give her attention when there’s other pretty girls around because she’s already told you, “Hey, how about some blue balls and be my gay male girlfriend?” You’re going to vote with your feet. You’re going to go where women are excited and enthusiastic to talk to you. When she sees that you’re nice, you’re respectful, but you’re just really not giving her attention, especially if she sees that or finds out that you’re fucking somebody else, you’re fucking a really pretty girl, it might change her attitude. She may let you know that she’s open to date. I mean, it definitely happens. There’s a 50/50 shot in this chance that she or, in this case, that she changes her mind. That’s what I would do if I were you.

This is a simple case, but give your attention to women who are excited and appreciative. In other words, you withdraw your attention from her. You’ll give it to her if she comes over and requests it, you’ll acknowledge her if you see her across the room, but you’re not going to go to her, you’re only going to go to women you’re interested in and women that are open to you and open to talking to you and potentially being seduced because you reward interest in romantic interests with your time and attention. When somebody says they don’t want it, then you don’t give her any attention because it’s a waste. It’s a waste to talk to a girl who’s trying to friend zone you, versus a girl that’s still open to dating and sleeping with you until or unless the girl says she’s had a change of heart, which again, she’s a woman. It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. There’s a 50/50 shot she changes her mind and lets you know down the road that she changed her mind.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.